Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A beautiful blonde goes into a ……

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's so dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bubba had shingles. Those of...

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen.

 

He was a dork but had a huge crush on Jen.

 

Dan wanted to tell her about his crush on her but didn't know how to.

 

So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: In a dark and hazy room, peering …..

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What’s My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer Vacancy

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mom, when I was on the bus...

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden,..

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. 

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

 

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. 

The second guy says, "What are you doing?" 

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." 

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." 

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Walking economy....

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First hand job

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The passengers were leaving the...

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drafted

I didn't enlist in the Army - I was drafted.
So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.
During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.
"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy Scouts

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip.

 

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

 

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling into the crowded parking ...

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air.

 

She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

 

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. 
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' 
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.

So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

 

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. 

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

 

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

"They're Carol's." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” he instructs her:

 

“The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

"No, from skipping."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Calorie distribution

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi.

 

Veronica opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass.

 

Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pulling into the crowded parking lot...

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air.

 

She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

 

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!
Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two vampire bats...

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.

"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"

"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.

"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"

"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".

"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man was sitting on a bench ...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

 

The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

 

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Charlie took his girlfriend to...

Charlie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout.

 

At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said.

 

"I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!"

 

Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter.

 

Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Christmas Cop

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[worldangel]

Joke: Price Check on Tampax

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

 

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A college student picked up his ...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

 

Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, 

"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach ...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, "I want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, "I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A little girl is sitting on her...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did the Heaven make you?" 
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. 

"Well, did the Heaven make me?" asks the little girl. 
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. 
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Complicated family

Robert and Sam had become friends recently. They were sitting in a coffee shop and trying to get to know each other.
Robert: “Tell me something about your family.”

Sam: “Sure thing. I have two brothers and two sisters. What about you?”
Robert: “No siblings. But I have three moms because of my first dad and three dads because of my first mom.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Chopping more than wood....

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: On the Job

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

 

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

 Joke: History repeats itself

Bobby's five year old received a water gun from his grandfather. The kid was mighty pleased and instantly ran to the tap to fill it up. Bobby was a little anxious.

Bobby: “Dad, I wonder what made you buy that gift, don't you remember how I used to harass you and drive you crazy?”

Dad (with a twinkle in his eyes): “Sure, I do. I do.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There once was an old man who ...

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man.

 

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flat Tyre

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.

"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.

He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

 

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts.

 

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

 

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fxxk with this kind of weather!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Holidays around the precinct a...

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas. 

One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began: 
"911, what is your emergency?" 
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."

"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."

"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in. 

"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"

"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken man

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.

The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the reply.

'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'

'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.

'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! 

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Doctor was addressing a large...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa..

 

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining..

 

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $200 breasts

A guy stops over his friend’s house and only the wife is home.

 

She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts.

 

She agrees and shows him one.

He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.

She agrees and shows him the other one.

He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.

He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."