Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man is walking along the ...

A man is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. 
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." 

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" 

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice cream cravings

Two old men suffering from long-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old folks' home when an ice cream van drove past.

"Gee," said the first old codger: "I'd love an ice cream right now."

"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old man.

"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back: "You'd forget my order straight away."

"No I wouldn't," replied the second."

"All right, then," said his friend: "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top."

The second old man repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies.

 

The first old man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled: "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reading problem

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”

Patient: “Where are they?”

Doctor: “On the board.”

 

Patient: “Where is the board?”

Doctor: “On the wall.”

Patient: “Where is the wall?”
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The meat market

A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are $.99 a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for $.89.

The butcher says: "Well, then, why don't you go over there and buy his?"

The customer replies: "He doesn't have any left."

"Well, that's nothing," the butcher says: "when I don't have any, I sell mine for only $0.79!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fxxk!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if I turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Red truck

A man came home and found his house on fire He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here, muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: No payment for six months

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The chicken or the egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

 

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

 

The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde. She had never...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse.

 

The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well.

 

When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup! She was at the mercy of the horse’s feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of Wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blonde and Psychiatrist

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde and Pizza

A blonde orders a pizza and the clerk asks if he should cut it in six or 12 pieces.

She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Snail

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magical Frog

John went to the doctor one day. " Dr. I don't know what to do. The women are scared of me. My penis is too long. What can I do?" The doctor measured it and it was 24 inches long. "Well, you have 2 choices. One, you can have it surgically downsized. Or two, you can go ask a certain frog to marry you."

 

The man instantly said, "I'm not asking a frog to marry me!" "It's okay, he will say no. But it's a lot easier than cutting it."

So the doctor gave him directions, and he drove to the pond. He saw the frog, and said, "Frog!" The frog said, "what?" John asked, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "no." His penis shrunk 6 inches. He noticed this, and decided that 2 more times would be good. He asked again, and again it shrunk 6 more inches.

 

Then he asked a 3rd time. "Frog!" The frog turned, and disgustedly asked, "what do you want?!" John said, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde on Fire

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes, Carol and Patty...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.

 

She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wish granted

A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their 60th birthdays on the same day.

During the celebration, a fairy godmother appears and says that because they've been such a loving couple all those years, she will give them one wish each.

The wife says she wants to travel around the world. The fairy waves her wand, and boom! The woman has a wad of tickets in her hand.

Next, it is the husband's turn. He pauses for a moment, then says shyly: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger then me."

The fairy picks up her wand, and boom! He's 90.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: "Do you believe in life after ...

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. 

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. 

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The meat market

A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are $.99 a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for $.89.

The butcher says: "Well, then, why don't you go over there and buy his?"

The customer replies: "He doesn't have any left."

"Well, that's nothing," the butcher says: "when I don't have any, I sell mine for only $0.79!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Relatives....

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandmother....Is that you?

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came. 

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress". 

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" 
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked. 
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! 

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three baby unicorns

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."

She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah that’s sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A New Yorker was forced to take...

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Love line

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table.

"For $15, I can read your love line and tell you your romantic future," the mysterious old woman said.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said: "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" the woman asked.

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted: "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from your calluses."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grasshopper

A grasshopper hops into a bar and onto a barstool.

 

The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"

And the grasshopper replies, "Really?! You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Not horny, but have

Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.

Sally's neighbour suggested to Sally that she "spice" up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.

The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.

After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said "Honey, would you like some of this?"

He takes one look, and says "Hell no....I ain't touching that with a ten foot pole....LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Coke Machine

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up.

"Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. 
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" 

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." 
She says, "Why, are you sick?" 

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." 
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. 

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? 
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." 

He says, "Why, what do you need?" 
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three old men were sitting around ...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Brain transplant

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Peter was telling a friend that...

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It was the kindergarten teacher’s bday...

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. 
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. 
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. 
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. 

"No," said the little girl. 
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked. 

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. "Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A brunette who really hated blondes...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.

 

After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch:

 

All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maurice an 82 year-old man went...

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Free meat....

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars.

 

We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway.

 

My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

[worldangel]

Joke: "Honey," said this husband to ...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." 
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" 

"I know all that." 
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?" 

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Disturbed Anthropologist

James, an anthropologist decides to study the natives of a distant tropical island.

 

He goes there, finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote location where he would make his collections.

 

The river takes them downstream, and in the eve of the second day, they hear the distant sound of drums.

 

Being the nervous types, James is disturbed by the sound of the drums and asks the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! James is nervous as hell and he shouts at the guide: "Those Drums have stopped, what now?"

The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman meets a gorgeous man in...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'