Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Temperature

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, “Time to take your temperature, sir.”

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

“Sorry, sir,” said the nurse, “but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, “Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you.”

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, “What's going on here?”

The guy barks, “Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

“Not with a daffodil.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Uses of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man and his girlfriend were ...

A man and his girl friend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Imagine the scene is sometime

Imagine the scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:  We Need To Help These People

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer was on vacation in a small town

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A counsellor was helping his kids

A counsellor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The boy replied, "Apparently, you never had a mother."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Struggling actor

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighbourhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”

“Well,” one of the officer's says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief, “My agent came to my house?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly couples were enjoying ...

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 


"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." 


"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 


Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 


"You mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's it!" 

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An elderly couple was sitting ...

An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favourite Saturday night TV program.

During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:

"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:

"You know, I don't really know... I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where I turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blind date....

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I feel like my body has gotten...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Money saved by not smoking

Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly ladies are sitting...

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking girl-talk.

Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. How many years was that anyway?

Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.

Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?

Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde. She had never ...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience.

 

So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse.

 

The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip!

 

She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

 

She was at the mercy of the horse’s feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of Wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whiskey no worms

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Falling down drunk...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."

The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A couple of blonde men in a pick-up truck...

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Child Custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 
'Fred,' he replies. 
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 
'Just Fred,' the man responds. 

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' 
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. 
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. 

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' 
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day a boy asked his Grandpa...

One day a boy asked his Grandpa, "Grandpa, make a frog sound." 

The grandfather asked why? 

The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii.” 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Funny joke

There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the Sergeant reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"

"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Do I Look Like?

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, “Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?”

“Who do I look like? Michelangelo?” the man replies.

“I guess not”, says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. “Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up.”

The man says, “Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?”

“Well, maybe not,” says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. “Honey…..How did you do this? It looks great!” he says. “Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him” says the wife.

“Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?”

The wife replies, “Who do I look like, Sara Lee?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled Muscle

One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.

"Hey Dick! How's it going?"

asked Michael.

"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.

"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?"

Michael asked.

"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"

Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A passenger in a taxi leaned over ...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

 

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Green vegetables

Sandy said to his friend Ron, 'My wife sent me to the greengrocer's to buy some green vegetables."

'So were you able to find some?" asked Ron.

'Well, when I reached the shop, I asked the manager, 'My wife wants some green vegetables. Have they been sprayed with any harmful chemicals?'' 

Sandy continued, 'The shopkeeper told me, 'No, why don't you do it yourself.'
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sitting on the side of the...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?

 

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four high school boys afflicted...

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. 

After lunch, they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. 

Much to their relief she smiled, and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." 

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. 

Then she said, "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a competition to cross ...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny learns to count...

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh No!

The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"

"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

 

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

 

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It's worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.”

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They'll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where I turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

Edited July 19, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: A traveler wandering on an island ...

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: After shopping for most of the day

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old ladies are sitting in ...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. 

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" 

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: While sports fishing off the Florida...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Very cold

An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman: “I don't think so. We haven't slept together for ages.”

[worldangel]

Joke: School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6-foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Preparation

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.

 

Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.

 

The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

 

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sleep in the barn

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.

 

The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.

 

The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

 

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

[worldangel]

 Joke: After trying a new shampoo for...

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. 

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer. 

"Well, what do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth. 

"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."