Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Off To Dinner

 

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don't go out with married women.

Her: But I'm your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

[worldangel]

Joke: Fertility Clinic

 

Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?

It will be called "Hoosier Daddy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job Interview

 

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

[worldangel]

Joke: How Did You Get Here

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Jimmy: “How did you get here?”

Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?"

Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of infidelity and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so bad about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”

Johnny: “Oh, man, if you had check the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive.”

[worldangel]

Joke: More Olives

 

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.

 

Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Read the Fine Print

 

Little Johnny's mother: "Johnny, your teacher mailed me a permission slip so she could offer you the part of a marionette in the school play and I signed it."

Little Johnny: "I know and she offered me the part but I turned it down. You never want to play a part that has that many strings attached."

[worldangel]

Joke: Show Must Go On

 

One morning over breakfast, a husband was complaining to his wife. “I’ve been with the circus for over 25 years, and every performance I follow behind the elephants and clean up their poop. Twenty-five years, ‘Scoop the poop! Scoop the poop!’ I’m tired of it.”

His wife calmly said, “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you quit?”

“What! And leave show business?!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Home In 10 Minutes

 

I got a phone call when I was in the pub,

"If you don't get home in ten minutes I'm giving the dog your dinner!"

So I went home.

I love that dog.

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing the Guitar

 

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly.

And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar... badly.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Only Woman There

 

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest.

After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.”

Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell Her Yourself

 

A lady went to the salon to get a new hair style. While getting her hair done, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the waiting area.

She turns to the man and begins flirting with him. The man replies, “I’m married.”

The woman continues to flirt, “Just tell her you’re going to visit a friend in the hospital.”

The man replies, “Tell her yourself. She’s the one doing your hair.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Choir

 

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor."

"You mean right next to the baritones?" I asked.

"No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir."

[worldangel]

Joke: Outstanding Comedian

 

What is the opposite of stand-up comedy?

A Sitcom.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Was Kidnapped

 

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

[worldangel]

Joke: Some Poor Dumb Beast

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Susan said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The woman gave her daughter an angry look. “Susan, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Mother Is Better

Little Johnny and Little Bobby and in a verbal battle...

“My father is better than your father!” said Bobby.

“No, he’s not!” said Johnny.

“My brother is better than your brother!” said Bobby.

“No, he’s not!” said Johnny.

“My mother is better than your mother!” said Bobby.

Little Johnny paused for a moment and said, “Well you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Due To Recent Cutbacks

 

Due to recent cutbacks...

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Woman Want

 

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

[worldangel]

Joke: Average Things

 

Where are average things manufactured?

At Satisfactory.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mine Worker

 

Joe, a lifetime miner, was working in the depths of the mine, as he usually did. Suddenly he started to feel confused and babbled nonsensically.

His fellow miners sent a message to a nearby hospital to send an ambulance to check on the confused worker.

When Joe reached the exit and stumbled out of his workplace, an ambulance driver confirmed Joe’s problem when he cried out: "Look, Joe’s out of his mine!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

 

Dear Customer Service,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Physical

 

Upon returning rather late from an annual physical my wife was wondering how it went. I replied, ”Very routine. He asked if I am continuing to exercise regularly. I replied, ‘yes.’ And am I watching my diet and eating healthy foods to which I replied, ‘of course.’ And are you limiting your alcohol consumption to 1-2 drinks per week I responded ‘absolutely.‘"

My wife then asked, “Then why are you so late?”

“I had to stop at church and go to confession.”

[worldangel]

Joke: She Called Me Pretentious

 

My wife just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Feel Like A New Man

Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said out loud in the crowded waiting room, “I feel like a new man!”

“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sarcasm Rarely Works

 

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome.

"Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "If you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Didn't You?

 

Police officer: Sir, I pulled you over because I have been following you for a while and you went through a stop sign without stopping, went through a red light AND you didn’t yield for the pedestrians on a crosswalk. So let me ask you, did you see the red light?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police Officer: Did you see the stop sign?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: Did you see the pedestrians?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: SO WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP???

Driver: Because… I didn’t see YOU.

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Open This Door

Two men are sitting on an airplane when one turns to the other and says, "If I open this door, will we fall out?"

The other man replies, "Oh no, we'll still be friends."

[worldangel]

Joke: His Level of Maturity

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.

That is why he dates someone half his age.

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Difference?

What’s the difference between your wife and your mistress?

About 45lbs.

What’s the difference between your husband and your lover?

About 45 minutes!

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blonde from First Class

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Fair, Your Honour

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Dry Tonight

A couple is in the living room.

He says, “You’re dry tonight.”

She says, “You are licking the rug.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Are You Naked?

An old woman goes to visit her daughter and finds her naked, waiting for her husband. “Why are you naked?” the mother asks.

“This is the dress of love.”

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband in the rocking chair. When he arrives, he is startled and asks, “Why on earth are you naked, woman?” “This is the dress of love,” she coos.

“Hmmm,” he says. “I think you need to break out the iron.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Why All the Attention?

A handsome guy goes into the hospital for some minor surgery and, the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to see how he is doing.

The friend is amazed at the number of nurses who come by the room with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give him back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asks. “You look fine to me.”

“I know!” grins the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him 'Head and Shoulders'."

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Implants and Viagra

In recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra that on Alzheimer’s disease research.

Which leads one to wonder... By the year 2035, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can’t remember what to do with them?

[worldangel]

Joke: He Who Stands On Toilet

Man who stands on toilet…

Is high on pot!

[worldangel]

Joke: You've Had It

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. The surprised madam looks at the ancient man and asks, "How old are you?"

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

[worldangel]

Joke: No Thanks, Officer

A man is driving along and a police man stops him and says, "Alcohol, drugs?"

And the man says, "No thanks officer, I've got everything."

Then he drives off.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dog for Christmas

"Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?"

"Of course not, son! No will have turkey just like everyone else."

[worldangel]

Joke: For Next Christmas

A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.”

To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?”

“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Unattractive Ladies Man

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender and says, “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive, in fact he’s ugly as sin, and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?”

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bend It In Half

Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Meet A Beautiful Young Woman

A frog called the Psychic hotline and was told, You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in biology class."

[worldangel]

Joke: Okay To Marry Joe

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed. He tells his wife that after the passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe?”

“I do,” the man, answers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Will This Take Care of It?

A cab driver sees a woman hailing him down a busy street. He pulls over and is surprised when she gets in and sits down besides him on the front seat. She gives him an address and they drive off.

When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be $10.50, please.”

The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money, but..." she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “maybe this will take care of it?”

The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Can Always Use Hot Water

Two blondes are sitting together having a great time and drinking tea. One says to the other after some time, "Oh, I have so much hot water left over and I do not want to waste it. What should I do?"

The other blonde quickly replies, "Oh, that's easy, you can always use hot water. Just freeze it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Couple Shuffle

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says...

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lucky So Far

Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married. She thinks this is absolutely adorable and asks, "Well Johnny, where are the two of you going to live?"

He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds.

"Well what will you do if you have a baby?"

Johnny look at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far."