Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Walking economy

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rolling Her Eyes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"

The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three older ladies...

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down."

The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: They Have No Brains

Do you know why women have no brains?

They have no penis to keep them in!

[worldangel]

Joke: We Eat It

A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light. Bernard said, "We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets."

Gerard said, "It is useful so that we can read in the evening."

Luc said, "We need it for TV and radio etc."

After all kids said what they thought, little timid Isabelle raised her hand. "Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?"

"We eat it," said Isabelle.

"What do you mean, honey?"

"I'm not really sure. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night, 'Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.'”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Last Words

"I'll never forget the last words my wife said to me before she died…"

She asked, "Honey, what are you going to do with that hammer?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Woman and a Cat

What’s the difference between a woman and a cat?

One is a finicky eater who doesn’t care if you live or die.

The other is a house pet

[worldangel]

Joke: Yours or Hers?

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

“I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?

[worldangel]

Joke: Be Gentle this Time

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, "Okay Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"

"That’s not true," she replied, "but the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Do Men Always

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?”

To which the doctor handily responded, “To avoid criticism.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I'd Rather Have A Child

"Oh no, I'd rather have a child!" cries the lady.

"In that case, let me adjust the chair," replies the dentist.

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Ever

Geraldine: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble and vibrate in every fiber of your being?"

Mabel: "Oh, yes, for sure... the dentist."

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Wrong With Them?

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Place or Mine

When Good Pick-Up Lines Go Bad...

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone.

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are the Hangers For?

A redneck opened his toolbox. It had 1 roll of duct tape and 14 coat hangers.

His friend asked, "What are the hangers for?"

The redneck replies, "For everything the duct tape don't fix."

[worldangel]

Joke: Am I the First?

“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “Am I the first man you ever slept with?”

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Help You

A psychiatrist ushered a new patient into his office and began their session. “Now tell me, what is it that you would like to discuss?” he asked.

“I’ve become obsessed with hoarding money, replied the patient.

“Ah… It may take many, many sessions, but I believe I can help you overcome this.”

[worldangel]

Joke: One of the Most Expensive Things

One of the most expensive things in the world…

Is a woman who is free for the evening!

[worldangel]

Joke: Fine by Me

 

Sherry is walking through the zoo when she notices Bill throwing $10 bills in the monkey cage.

Curious, she walks closer and asks, "Bill, what are you doing? Why are you giving the monkeys money?"

"The sign by the gate says it was okay," he replies.

Sherry looks at him quizzically, "It did?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Family Avengers

 

What do you call it when your mother's sisters all gather at a funeral to avenge your death?

Vigil Aunties

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Sweet Potatoes

 

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favourites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

[worldangel]

Joke: At The Restaurant

 

Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?"

Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mobility

 

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Trouser Worm

The teacher was some months pregnant and as she stood in front of her 5th grade class, Betty asks, "Why is your stomach swelled up?"

So she said, "Can anybody tell me why my stomach is swelled up?"

Jane said, "You were bit by a snake!"

Billy said, "You were bit by a spider?"

"No, neither one of those is correct," she said.

Little Johnny then says, "I know why teacher."

"Okay, why Johnny?"

"You were bit by a trouser worm."

[worldangel]

Joke: This Is My Sister

The non-commissioned officer surprised the private in the barracks with a girl.

“Uh-uh, this is my sister, Serge.” the private stuttered.

“That’s okay,” the sergeant soothed. “She used to be mine.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Judge, Whose Coke Is it?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, and the custody of their children created a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should keep custody of them.

Then man also wanted custody and the judge asked him to justify his demand. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Too Little

Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?

It's too little to be let out alone.

[worldangel]

Joke: Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told her to go around the block and come back straight home. When she returned she was alone.

Her dad asks, "Where is Fluffy?"

Little Sally says, "Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home."

[worldangel]

Joke: In Bed With Two Women

Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly, “ I had a dream I was on vacation. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?"

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything You Suggest

One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. The undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergraduate cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

[worldangel]

Joke: Door #3

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replies, "I have a drinking problem."

So the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door. He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there and the guy says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife."

The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door. Then he asks the last guy why he was there and he replies, "I’m a pot smoker.”

So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot. In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again!"

So the devil sends him to heaven. He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says, "I will never look at another woman again!"

So the devil sends him to heaven. Finally, he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, "Hey man you got a light?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Away Fido

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart.

This startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!"

Since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one. Again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!”

Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuck In Her Arse

Two women walking home after a heavy night of booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her knickers and threw them away the other used a ribbon from a wreath.

The next day their husbands were talking. "We'd better keep an eye on our wives," one said. "Mine came home without her knickers."

"You think that is bad," said the other "mine came home with a card stuck in her arse, saying, 'From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'

[worldangel]

Joke: What If I Swallow It

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Responsible Politician

During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate’s train hopped the track and ran roughshod through a farmer’s field.

Several animals were killed and the politician agreed to reimburse him, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit.

[worldangel]

Joke: Group Therapy for Moms

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck Castration

"How do you castrate a redneck?"

"I don't know, how?"

"It's simple, kick his sister in the jaw."

[worldangel]

Joke: She So Nasty

Yo momma so nasty…

She bent over and gave our loaf of bread a yeast infection.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Important People

The ten most important people in a woman’s life...

1.The doctor because he say, “Take off your clothes.”
2.The dentist because he says, “Open wide.”

3.The hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown?”
4.The milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”

5.The interior decorator because he says, “Once you have it in you’ll love it.”
6.The banker because he says, “If you take it out to soon, you’ll lose interest.”

7.The police officer because he says, “Spread ‘em.”
8.The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9.The pilot because he take off fast and then slows down.
10.The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and eats what he shoots.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Got So Wrapped Up

“Doctor,” said the young woman. “I’d prefer being vaccinated where it won’t show.”

“All right,” replied the physician “but you’ll have to pay in advance.”

“And why do I have to pay in advance?” the girl protested.

“Because the last time a patient as pretty as you made that request,” he explained, “I got so wrapped up in what I was doing I forgot to charge her.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That for Sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Drunk Date

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand. The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?”

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ever Since My Wife Found It

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring. He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Clams and Otters

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door, and said "He can work for you, but it will cost you $500."

"That much?" asked the man.

"But you're getting my husband and his otter," said the wife. "They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"But I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350," the man countered.

"Sorry," she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hipsters

 

Hipsters hate rivers...

Too mainstream.

[worldangel]

Joke: On Your Marks

 

Two nudists were discussing politics.

One says, “Have you read Marx?”

The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs."

[worldangel]

Joke: Anyone In the World

 

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.

"All right, maggots, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row, "My recruiter!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Such a Deal

 

A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. "But the arms and legs don't match," he says. "One arm and one leg is shorter than the other."

"That's why it's such a bargain," the salesperson replies. "But don't worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice."

"Well.....okay."

The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.

"Good Heavens," the first lady says. "That poor man looks like he's in a lot of pain!"

"Yes," the second lady says. "But his suit certainly fits well."

[worldangel]

Joke: The New Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baited Breath

 

What did the dyslexic worm say to the voracious largemouth bass???

“Oh carp!”