Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Travel Time

 

So, let me get this straight...

You drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill

[worldangel]

Joke: Ceiling Target

 

You know what really makes me throw up?

A dartboard on a ceiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Served Cold

 

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Doctor

 

So, the doctor came in to ask me about my broken arm.

He said: “Will painkillers help?"

I said: “It wouldn't hurt.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Come On Mister

 

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"

[worldangel]

Game Show....

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool.

 

We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show.

 

My mom won the house and car. We're all excited.

 

My dad got some luggage.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.
"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

[worldangel]

Joke: A funeral service is being held...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

 

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

 

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Size?

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Turning to Stone

Little Johnny was very curious, and one day he decided to sneak into a strip club to see what it was like. He waited until the bouncer’s back was turn and scurried quietly to the front of the club, where he watched the strippers dance.

When they had removed nearly all their clothing, he bolted out the door and ran down the street as fast as he could. He was running so fast he smacked right into a man and fell back on his bottom. “What’s wrong young man?” asked the adult. “You look like you just saw a ghost!”

“My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone. Well, I was watching two ladies and all of a sudden I felt something hard!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy, Daddy!

The policeman saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, Daddy, Daddy!”

The policeman pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy asked, “Which one is your father, son?”

“I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck Dance...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""

The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Future value

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So, $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sailor And The Pirate

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

 

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

[worldangel]

Joke: Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again, he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gas Station Fill-up

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

 

Sometime thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is gimmick and he doesn't give away free sex".

 

The buddy replied, "No, it's not gimmick -- my wife won twice last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer was cross-examining

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off-of the license.

 

They arrested the robber two hours later.

[worldangel]

Joke: Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: All I Need is a Miracle

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humour and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Margie received a bill from the...

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist.

 

She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I will seek and find You...

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

[worldangel]

Joke: An angry wife to her husband on ...

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shower

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath, so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"

Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,

"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband is advised by a psychiatrist ...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes.

 

Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing ...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The New Engagement Ring

A very exited mother asked her daughter, "Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?"

Her daughter replied, "Better than that, four of them recognized it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Proudly showing off his new apartment ...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: No room at the inn

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Time Machine

A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.

To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.

After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.

The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.

The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Arresting the Judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise to never book a judge by his cover."
 

[yhtang]

10 hours ago, worldangel said:

Joke: Time Machine

A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.

To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.

After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.

The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.

The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.
 

 

I am getting rusty.  It took me too long to catch the "paradox" pun.

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Matt's dad picked him up from...

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[worldangel]

Joke: Burning Calories

Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes."

Friend: "How?"

Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."

[worldangel]

Joke: Answering Machine Message

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)

 

OK, what would you like me to tell me?

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma's revenge

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pick-up line

A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it." 

[worldangel]

Joke: 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked ...

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

[worldangel]

Joke: Pick-up line

A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my pxnis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it."