Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Blonds on Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cattle farmer went into town

A cattle farmer went into town on a Saturday night for a sit-down steak dinner. When the waiter brought him his steak it was rare -- very rare. The cow-puncher looked at it and demanded that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked. 

"It is cooked," snapped the waiter. 
"Cooked -- nothing," replied the cow-farmer. "I've seen cows injured worse than this and recover!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Any woman can have the body of ….

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided weget cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy goes to a girl's house for …

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. 

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. 

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. 

He says, "What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." 
 

Edited July 31, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Three boys received their grad...

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

'One day we should get her for this,' said the first boy.'

I agree. We'll grab her...' said the second.

'Yeah,' said the third. 'And then we'll kick her in the nuts!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

 

Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pull over the curb

 

“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”

The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman.

 

The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I was out walking with my 4 year old ...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A vampire bat came flapping in...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. 

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. 

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. 

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Compliment Her

There are these two high school boys at the prom. The first one says to the other..

"My dates really hot and wants to go out to my car, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up"

His friend tells him

"Don't worry! Just compliment her. Girls love compliments."

He says ok and leaves. About 15 minutes later he returns rubbing a black eye.

"What happened! Didn't you say nice things to her?"

"Yea, I did, but it didn't work."

"What did you say?"

"When we first got in the car, we started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, they sure were sweet. She liked that. Then I started feeling her tits. I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She really liked that.

Things were going really good then. I got her skirt up and panties off and told her, for such a large crack, it sure didn't stink much. Then she hit me!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A salesman telephone a household ...

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Erection

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Scientist and the Frog

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mechanic was removing a...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Illness

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

 

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

 

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

 

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

 

I completely lost my memory for a while.

 

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

 

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thigns...

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This farmer had a wife who nag...

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him.

 

While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer.

 

The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”

 

Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men.

 

Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,”

 

Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked.

 

When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The strong young man at the construction...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

 

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

 

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

 

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

 

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

 

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scotch and Water

A elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one's on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you,” to the woman on her right.

“Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you, sir. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What a talent....

A family was visiting an third world country reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men went bear hunting. While ...

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why The Big Fight?

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was at home watching

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise.

 

She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. 

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay - I got the licence plate number!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup.

 

She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!"

 

She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman who died found herself...

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[worldangel]

 Joke: School theatre

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. “I play a man who's been married for twenty years.”

“That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man placed some flowers on...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.

 

For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just like mom...

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there. 

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5... 
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." 

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." 
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too." 
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" 
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us". 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Howard is 95 and lives in a senior ...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welles and Link were lost in the ...

Welles and Link were lost in the desert and hadn't eaten in weeks. Suddenly they stumbled on a dead coyote covered with maggots.

Welles, at the point of starvation, couldn't control himself. He threw himself on the rotting animal and began eating it. Ten minutes later, he threw up all over the place.

At that moment, Link began eating what his friend had just vomited. He stopped for a moment and said, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd have a hot meal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The grandfather clock

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: School theatre

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. “I play a man who's been married for twenty years.”

“That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A brunette who really hated blonde ...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.

 

After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch:

 

All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Today was little Johnny's...

Today was little Johnny's birthday.
He decides to behave in school so he wouldn't get flogged. He gets to St. Marges and goes through his first five classes behaving. All of the nuns were super impressed; even told him so.

He comes to his final class of the day and thinks, 'OK, I've been good all day, now get though this forty minutes and I'm home free.'

Mother Superior, the witch herself, he thought. He stayed alert and answered ever question effectively; even Mother was impressed and told him so.

Five minutes before the class ended Little Johnny's eyes got heavy and he nodded out for a second. 

"Little Johnny" Mother Superior exclaimed. "Time to go to the discipline room"
"No Mother! Please, I really tried to behave."
"I know," she replied; "But rules are rules."

So he follows her to that dreaded room. She then tells him. "You know, you are now twelve years old and at the age of accountability, so your punishment will be different this time trousers down, young man!"

So as he pulls his pants down, and he happens to glance back and passes out because of what he saw.

Little Johnny awoke to his mother's concerned voice in the nurses' office. 

"What happened Little Johnny?"
"Mother Superior was gonna flog me."
"Yes, so why did you pass out?"
"S-- S-- She put a- a- belt on?"
"So!!!" His mother was getting upset with him.
"B-- B-- B-- But, it had a long wee-wee like daddy."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: New hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. “I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed,” she said.

So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15.

After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, “What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken legs...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."

"How do they tasted?" asked the man.

"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You See That?

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wayne

An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the blonde girl.

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions.

 

One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

 

And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room.

 

Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A funeral service is being held...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. 

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady.

 

A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. 

Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then . . .

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then…

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.