Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pecker Knows

 

Two old trees are conversing in the forest when they happen to notice a baby sapling beginning to grow between them. Trying to determine what kind of tree it is, they find themselves in a bit of an argument. One is certain it is a son of a birch tree, while the other is certain it is a son of a beach tree.

The following day, a woodpecker lands on one of the old tree's branches. "Woodpecker! You know every kind of tree there is. Can you tell us, is that baby tree down there a son of a birch or a son of a beach?"

So the woodpecker flies below and pecks here and there on the sapling then flies back up to the old trees. "Well which is it, a son of a birch or son of a beach?"

"Ah, neither," the woodpecker replies. "That is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What Was In Your Hand?

Tony limps into his friend’s bar. He has two black eyes, a bloody lip, and he is on a crutch. His friend asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

Tony says, “The guy next door did this.”

“He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.”

“Yeah, a tire iron.”

“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend.

“Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”

[worldangel]

Just Like the Weather

A vagina is like the weather.

Once it's wet, it's time to go inside.

[worldangel]

The Bird That Brings the Baby

The stork is the bird that brings the baby…

But a swallow's the one to prevent it.

[worldangel]

That's A Lie, Your Honour

"That's a lie, your Honour! It is NOT true that I had NOTHING on!"

"Is that so?"

"That's correct, I had the radio on."

[worldangel]

Now That's Dexterity

Two drunks were sitting on the curb late at night discussing the world events when an old mangy dog sat down right in front of them and started to lick its private area.

The one drunk said, "Look at that, now that’s dexerity! Wish I could do that."

The other drunk looked at him and said, "Well you better get to know him first."

[worldangel]

You Are Invited To A Party

The invitation to the party said: “You are invited to a party for those who cannot have an orgasm."

P.S. Let us know if you can't come!

[worldangel]

Toilet Brushes

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes, “Wow! What a great idea!” he thinks to himself.

So he buys three of them.

Two weeks later he goes back to using toilet paper.

[worldangel]

Saran Wrap As Underwear

A man goes to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran-wrap as underwear.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see you are nuts!"

[worldangel]

Sitting On His Lap

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[worldangel]

Cash or Credit?

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the first guy and performed her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek. It stuck.

Then she proceeded to the second guy. She did her same dance and the guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek. It stuck.

She then went to the third guy and performed her dance. The third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realise that he did not have any cash. So he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.

[worldangel]

The 36,640 posts

 

Prepare Your Chickens

A guy sits down at a restaurant when the waiter comes over to see if he has any questions.

The guy puts down the menu and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”

“Well, sir there’s not much to it. We just flat out tell them they’re going to die.”

[worldangel]

The Whole Finger

A man calls his wife from the Emergency Room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working.

“Oh, my goodness!” cries his wife. “The whole finger?”

“No,” replies the man, “the one next to it.”

[worldangel]

Are You A Pirate

"Are you a pirate?" the boy asked the girl.

"Why do you ask that?" the girl replied.

"Because I treasure your chest."

[worldangel]

So What ?

A freed prisoner walks to a park and starts screaming, "I'm free!" over and over again.

A boy with a lisp goes over to him and says, “So what, I’m five!"

[worldangel]

Grandpa, What Are You Doing?

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[worldangel]

Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” He replies.

[worldangel]

My Drunk Date

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand. The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?”

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

[worldangel]

Ever Since My Wife Found It

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring. He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

[worldangel]

 

In A Pair of Men's Pants

How many animals can you fit in a pair of men's pants?

One cock, two bulls, and as many hares as you like.