Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A businessman boarded a flight ...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

 

He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

 

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This young man was elated when...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyone under seventeen years of age.

 

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

 

Yes, you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven” His father said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a haircut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

The stylist replied "no" so the blond left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist replied "ok".

After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, "breath in, breath out"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

 

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.

 

A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Super Absorbed

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?"

 

Without hesitation, Timmy says, "A box of Tampax." Surprised, the doctor asks why.

 

"Well," Timmy says, "it says on TV that with Tampax, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh Goodness no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. 
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. 

So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, 
" What would you like to discuss?" 
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. 
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. 

"That could be an interesting topic. 
But let me ask you a question first. 
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. 
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, 
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" 
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." 
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Unusual Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just a smile

An income tax officer entered Andrew's office one morning and asked for his account books. Andrew was hesitant and upset as he was not sure of his accounts.

 

The Income tax officer, an old hand at this game, guessed what was going on in Andrew's mind and tried to sooth him: “Mr. Andrew, you are living in a great democratic country and doing good business without any trouble. In return, your country expects you to pay your taxes with a smile, is it too much?”

Andrew (relieved): “With a smile? Thank god for small mercies, I thought it will have to be cash.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

 

They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Nurses

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, as they simply have a nursing assistant to do it. As many as the doctor orders.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to spend five hours in the waiting room.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Supper

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Home sick...

A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

"Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man awoke one evening to discover ...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

 

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Giving Up Half

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A mechanic was removing a cylinder ...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley 
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. 
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. 

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" 

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" 

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... 
"Try doing it with the engine running." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there's baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You're pitching on Friday.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trip extension

A guy goes to a travel agent to book a three-week cruise for himself and his wife. A few days before the cruise, the travel agent informs the guy that the cruise is canceled, but he can get them on a seven-day cruise instead. The guy agrees & goes to the the drug store to buy seven medicines for motion sickness and seven condoms.

The next day, the agent calls again to inform now he can book them on 10-day cruise. He guy gives his confirmation and goes back to the drug store to buy three more medicines for motion sickness and three more condoms.

Two days later, the travel agent calls once again to inform that he has a 15-day cruise available now & whether the guy would be interested in taking it. The guy again says he is ok with it & goes back to the drug store to buy five more medicines for motion sickness and 5 more condoms.

Finally, the attendant at the drug store asks him, "Man, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The biology teacher...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Computer Movers

Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.
One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"

At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "Thats right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"

[worldangel]

Joke: Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. 
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. 
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'

And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: What is the name of ...?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that's red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Four women were chatting in the...

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. 

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. 

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. 

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." 

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." 

"What's that?" 

"Finishing the job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wanna play house?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man hasn't been feeling well...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" 
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

"Nine..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A new way to diet...

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man calls home to his wife and ...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One day the school principal was ...

One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. 

The principal stops Johnny and asks him, "Why are you running?" 

Little Johnny says, "I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir." 

"Who?" asked the principal. 

"Me and the kid chasing me," and off he went. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Scavenger hunt, and ...

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' 

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' 
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it? 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Nickel

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy.

 

So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman in her eighties made the ...

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. 

The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt like to be married again at that age and asked her to share part of her previous experiences, especially since it was quite unique that her new husband was a funeral director. 

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor, and now in her eighties, a funeral director. 

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. 

With a smile on her face she explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A passerby noticed a couple of...

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Teacher had asked the class...

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." 

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" 

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday." 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Guess That's F

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy.

"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "Iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fxck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Carry a flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

 

"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."