Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign the Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The magical frog....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy falls asleep on the beach...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man asks his friend for a cigarette

A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking." 

The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one." 

"What's phase one?" 

"I've quit buying."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

 

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife were in the...

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" 

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. 

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" 

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hi there. I'm a detective...

Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night.

As we were driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left.

We went to her place. A rock broke through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to beat it, so I did, then I left.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Saying prayers...

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers.

 

One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I

wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!"

 

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

 
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Problem With Women

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A school teacher injured his back ...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

 

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

 

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Brain transplant

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Early one morning, a mother went ...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A juggler, driving to his next...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!” 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A sad-faced Doug walked into a...

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. 

 

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. 

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. 
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde, Brunette and Readhead

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their obgyn. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl...
 

The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!"

The two others smile and...

The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!"

The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask...

"Why are you crying?"

"I think I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. 

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? 
"I went to visit my Nana." 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." 
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People' words." 

She then asked little Alex what he had done. 
"I read a book," he replied. 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" 
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Feed the pigs

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A teacher asked little Johnny ...

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well. 

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me... even more than 10." 

"Good. What comes after three?

"Four," answers the boy. 

"What comes after six?" 

"Seven." 

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now... so what comes after... let’s say ten?" 

"A jack!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: During a terrible storm, all the ...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

 

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was driving down the ...

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.

The tree is still in front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.

When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.

 

The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rearview mirror.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Absolutely naked woman enters ...

Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.

Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?

Barman: Well, Yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man walked into a supermarket ...

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: What happened here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop the bus!!

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old bald headed man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Studying Up for the Big Test

"Why do you keep reading the Holy Book every day? " the teenage girl asked her grandfather. 

"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Wife Once Observed

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Note: Actually more than 1 wife has made the same observation!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Doctor said …..

 

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." 

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." 
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" 
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." 

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." 
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" 
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. 
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." 

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." 
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." 
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" 
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. 

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" 
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." 
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." 
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." 

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[worldangel]

Joke: One day the first grade teacher...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, 
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Then there's the woman who ...

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I think...

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An explorer walked into a clearing ...

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

[worldangel]

Joke: But Daddy...

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

 

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.

 

As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.

 

Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I'm just trying to get my gum back.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Talking Dog For Sale

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies." So, what's your story?"

 

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

 

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

 

 Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fxxking liar."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Good news and bad news...

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Crash

I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police patrol cars.

 

The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces.

 

I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Burglar

A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman decided to have her portrait ...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Short Cut

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home. 

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. 

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. 
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time". 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" 
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I was in Lowe's the other...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.

 

After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.

 

The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."