Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sales associate

 

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

 

“Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar excuse

 

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.

 

Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!” Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging

 

“Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Son-in-law

 

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.

 

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?” “Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.” “And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

 

“I am sure The Heaven will provide.” answered the young man. “And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?” “The Heaven will provide” answered the young man again. “How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking. “It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Heaven!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Present joke

 

John  gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ”

 

“How cute” exclaimed the sales lady, “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Happy boss

 

My boss called me into his office today.

 

“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loyal secretary

 

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it.

 

When she finally died, her co-worker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer. After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder.

 

After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gathering snails

 

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A union shop

 

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One … Two … and three ….

 

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lay you or Jack off

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.
After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.

One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."

Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a headache
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus stop smell

 A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?"

 

"Fuck off, no you can't smell my c*nt!" the woman yells back at him,

 

"Oh", he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.

 
The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."

She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"

"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A three-year-old had been told

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Close Enough For Government

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

[worldangel]

Joke: Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dollar for Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. 

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said. "But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. 
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. 

In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So the Heaven must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Collar size

Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke. 

The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.

The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing.

Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Prophylactics

I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasn’t that great, you know.

 

So, I’m checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Gynaecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A place for worship

 

A note outside a place of worship where women are not allowed: “it is illegal to enter a woman, even if dressed like a man"!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The diaper

 

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Her age

 

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family pants

 

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary flowers

 

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cheap date

 

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: College degrees

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications
major in college, and I majored in theater ars. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband Calling

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation. 

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked. 

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly. 
"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Pete and Larry had not seen each...

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." 

"Great. Where do you live?" 

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." 

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" 
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny was sitting in class ...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'Cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: In the middle of an argument ...

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, Sissi, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!" 

Sissi responded calmly, "Allow me to explain... the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Giorgio 

Giorgio had been in this country for about 6 months. He walked to work every day and would pass a shoe store on the way. Each day he stopped and looked in the window and admired a certain pair of Justin leather boots. He wanted those boots so badly; it was all he could think about.

After about 2 months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.

Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.

He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?"

Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?"

He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "

Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?"

Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanks to Heaven ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty Paddy

A wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.

Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Signs to Hang in the Office

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 
I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier. 
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

[worldangel]

 Joke: It was the day of the big sale...

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. 

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. 

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Investigating A Terrible Accident

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A mother mouse and a baby mouse...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Damn Parking Enforcement

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. 
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a man a break?" 
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! 
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner...
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An attractive young girl

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. 

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl. 

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." 

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." 

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Peter sat at his dying wife's ...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government."

 

"Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. 

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. 
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. 

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." 
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" 

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ancient Translations

A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

"Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."Many hours passed.

 

Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked.

"I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"