Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man just had his first...

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir?

 

The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place”

 

The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights.

 

The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mark the spot...

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Behind the wheel...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A male frog went to a psychic....

A male frog went to a psychic. 

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" 

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Superman

This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.
He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.

He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."

The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.

"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.

"How did you do that?"

"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"

"Alright, get out of the way!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT

The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!

[worldangel]

 Joke: I walked in to our house to find ...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman. 

"Hello, all," I announced. 

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'. 

"The census bureau?" I asked. 

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly. 

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper. 

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Caribbean and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked. 

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me. 

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Foreign Irish'." 

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me. 

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump." 

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy goes into a doctor's ...

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

 

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

 

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

 

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half . . . You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.

You BECOME 21 . . . Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED! We had to throw him out. What's wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . .

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . .

In the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After shopping for most of the ………

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall...

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”

Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: During a terrible storm, all the ...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

 

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Outrageous flattering

 At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man awoke one evening to discover ...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. 

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. 

The operator at the other end said, "Are they in your house?" 

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. 

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. 

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" 

Within seconds, there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. 

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" 

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A vampire bat came flapping in...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $5 for a Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back seat...

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: About 3:30 in the morning, a wife ...

About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen.

 

As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.

 

He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."

 

He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Poker pro

A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.

"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"

"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."

The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. 

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" 
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." 

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. 
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" 

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy comes down for breakfast ...

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. 

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. 
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. 

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.” 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman came to her doctor in a panic....

A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A dentist was getting ready to...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A farm boy accidentally overturned ...

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. 
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." 
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." 
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. 

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." 
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." 

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile.

"By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised his ...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lumberyard

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After a while he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Physicist, chemist, and statistician

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: After she woke up, a woman told...

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Painting job

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

 

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer ...

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. 

The surgeon said, "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure." 

The engineer replied, "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." 

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once there was a man with an extremely ...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. 

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. 

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My neighbors were screaming ...

1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 

2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 

1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes." 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A brilliant young boy was applying ...

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "

Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

 

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

 

The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

Joke: A grocer delivery man was sick...

A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him. "Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny. Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."

"Okay," says his mate, "got it."

So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."

Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."

The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Great Sex Coupon

A man was talking to his buddy.

"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So, the first guy did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A foreign man in bar

A foreign man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the foreign  guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the foreign guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the foreign guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Red faced judge

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.

 

The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man woke up in a hospital after ...

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Launderette reunion...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two women were at a bar. One l

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Tell-Tale Sign

A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. 'I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing.'

'Why do you think that?' asked the colleague.

'The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Tell-Tale Sign

A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. 'I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing.'

'Why do you think that?' asked the colleague.

'The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A man went to his doctor to have ...

A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting.

 

After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

"The good news," said the doctor, "is that we won't have to cut it off."

"Thank Goodness," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

"It'll fall off by itself in a few days" replied the doctor.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A husband, proving to his wife

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"