Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke:  Gift For A Birthday

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

[worldangel]

Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a pretty nurse named

There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.

"Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents?"

"Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions.

 

One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere?

 

He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room.

 

Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming into the bar and ordering ….

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." 
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." 
"Yes I do!" 
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" 

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down." 
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" 
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down." 
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" 

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him." 
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" 
"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." 

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" 
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: True

Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"

Defendant: "Yes, it's true."

Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"

Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny's class were on ...

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.

 

On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man went out behind his barn...

A man went out behind his barn and caught his son playing with his manhood. The father said, "Son, get a girl. She'd be twice as good as what you're doing there."

The son replied, "Dad, if she'd twice as good as this, I don't think I could stand it."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lover's Lane

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"

The lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wrong number...

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rest Area

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

[worldangel]

Joke: You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

 

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

 

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Show business

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The photographer for a national...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire.

 

Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" 

The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air. 

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. 

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Upon hearing that her elderly ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Windsor castle

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport.

 

While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three buddies die in a car crash ...

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. 

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? 

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time and a great family man." 

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys were fishing down by ...

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night.

 

Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?" 

Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?" 

"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, you must help me....

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: It's late, the bartender and a guy ...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?"

 

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready"

 

So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two prisoners are talking about...

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice Fishing In Alaska

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,

"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH

The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Poker

A world-renowned heart-surgeon and poker pro and a blonde cocktail waitress are sitting next to each other in a $1-2 NL cash game at the MGM in Las Vegas. The surgeon is upset as the blonde keeps winning big pots from him despite it being the first time she's ever played poker.

He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.

He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.
Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"

He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.

"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"
She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A traveling salesman was held ...

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions." 

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The voice

Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.

He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs... "Oh shit..." the voice says.

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher handed ...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. 
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. 

 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. 

After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Bobby, how many times have you seen a red duck?" 

Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?

"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"

The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It’s pissing down and this midget ...

It’s pissing down and this midget goes to the doctors and says "Every time it rains my fanny gets sore".

He tells her to hop onto the examining couch. He bends over and looks up her skirt. "I see the problem," he says. And taking a pair of scissors shoves them up her skirt. Snip snip snip snip he goes with the scissors. "There that's fixed it" he says. "Your fanny wont be sore any more"

"Did you operate on my fanny doctor?" asks the midget.

"No" said the doctor, "I cut 2 inches off the tops of your wellingtons".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic ...

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. 

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." 

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." 

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. 

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." 

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. 

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What happened here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Reason For Running

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man appeared before St. Peter...

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. 

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!" 

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" 
"Just a couple of minutes ago." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man bought an expensive...

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk.

 

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: At The Bar

I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there...that's going to be us in ten years."

I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walking down the street ...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

 

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a little old lady who...

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. 

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. 

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. 

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! 

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." 

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." 
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trip to Alcatraz...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

 

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

 

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers were walking through ...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny had finished his...

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

 

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

 

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plane reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from an equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, “The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.”

Then she asked, “How much do you weigh, sir?”

Not thinking clearly I answered, “With or without clothes?”

“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lonely stranger went into a ...

A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special.

 

When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked, “How about a kind word?”

 

The waitress leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat.”