Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Eight men have been at a mental...

Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution.

 

The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of them to try and open the door for him as part of the tests. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall.

 

The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man sits down at a bar and orders ...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another.

 

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini.

 

The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

 

The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dogs allowed!

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:” I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

 

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Raise

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Larry was startled to see the ...

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man.

“You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked Larry

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jody and Sara live in the swamps of ...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana. 

One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

 

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 
"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do. Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just to establish some parameters...

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."

"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman goes into a dentist...

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

[worldangel]

Joke: The will to live...

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of to...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A deaf mute walks into pharmacy...

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bob was in trouble. He forgot ...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Bob has been missing since Friday. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bragging about girlfriend

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good.

 

Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 
"Sixteen," the boy responded. 

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" 
"Easy," the little boy said. 

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Traffic lights camera

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Updates on Facebook

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma'am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma'am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife's cooking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: How much for the cow?

Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her. The woman told him that before they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer. So, the next day the man went to the farmer and said, "Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage."

 

The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, "I will let you marry her, but first you must complete a test." Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man agreed. The farmer said, "first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn." The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it. When he got finished he asked the farmer, "Ok now can I marry your daughter?"

 

The farmer couldn't believe that the man had actually done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again! So, the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked "Now may I marry your daughter?"

 

By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said, "Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter." So, the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and screwed the cow. When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter." The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I was in Lowe's the other...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Working?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother and her young inquisitive ...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young bride tells her friend...

A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. 

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" 
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." 

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Problem

My wife and I decided to start a family soon after we got to my first regular duty station in Hawaii.

 

When months went by without success, we decided to consult a physician at the huge hospital down by Pearl Harbor.

When the doctor came in, he chose to examine her right then and there.

"Please disrobe," he told my wife.

"With him in the room??" she blushed, pointing at me.

Turning to me, the doctor said, "Lieutenant, I think I found the problem."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The teacher was telling the class...

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

 

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A pair of animals

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 95th birthday

“Look at ME!” boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. “Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!”

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, “And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!”

“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One day in the great forest a ...

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish this bear was gay..."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The millionaire...

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, Sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Producing A New Gum

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Arthur is 90 years old

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That's it,” he tells his wife. “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That's no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don't remember.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Stolen stock

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.

Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"

And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar and orders ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says "had a tough day?"

The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says "another bad day?"

The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man then replied "yeah, My wife"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change for a $15 bill

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phone money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet. 

My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 

Well, says the vet, let’s take a look at him. 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 

Finally, he says, I’m going to have to put him down.

What? Because he is cross-eyed?

No, because he’s really heavy.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: No sound

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.

The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted
'Okay, who's got the remote control?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Non-seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally, in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A widower who never paid any a...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

 

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

 

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband."

 

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."