Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman, searching for a job ….

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.

 

The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year’s salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hot and cold...

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Edited Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.'

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, 'Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes.'
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, 'I thought we had a deal.'
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, 'She made me a much better offer.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The first day of bear hunting

The first day of bear hunting season and the hunter is walking down the trail. He comes to a clearing and sees a very large bear in plain sight and takes a shot. When the smoke clears he looks and doesn't see the bear.

Suddenly he feels something tapping him on the shoulder. It is the bear and the bear accuses him of trying to shoot him. The hunter denies this repeatedly but the bear makes the hunter pull down his pants and bend over a log where the bear has his way with the hunter. The bear finishes and goes on his way.

The next morning the hunter is ready for a little payback. He is walking down the same trail and sees the same bear. This time the hunter cleans his sight and takes better aim. When the smoke clears he looks and finds the bear gone again. He throws his rifle down and starts cursing. Then the hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear again accuses the hunter of trying to shoot him. The hunter persistently denies until the bear makes him pull down his pants and bend over the log again. After the bear is finished the hunter hobbles back to his camp.

The third morning the hunter is ready to make the bear pay for the last two days indescressions. He was up all night cleaning his rifle and adjusting his scope. He finds the same bear at the same clearing and takes very careful sight. He slowly squeezes of the shot and when the smoke clears he once again missed the bear. He takes his rifle and throws it into the woods...
At that moment the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde and a brunette are out driving …

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cutting wood...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a fly buzzing around

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate.

 

Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

 

She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Never tell your age...

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Morning Coffee

 

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year old grandson had made her coffee!

 

Similing, she choked dowthe worst cup of her life.

 

When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom.  Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

 

Her grandson answered,"Like it says on TV, Grandma. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in  your cup"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Little Johnny watched, fascinated .....

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

 

"Why are you rubbing that cream on your face, mommy?" he asked

 

"To stay pretty for daddy", said his mother

 

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue

 

"What's the matter Mommy?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

 

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.

 

The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

 

"No, I'm Not, " the guy replies. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend"

 

"Well," asks the bartender"What did you say to your wife?"

 

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore"

 

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

 

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Where can men  over 50 find ......

 

Q: Where can men over 50 find younger sexy woman who are interested in them?

A: Try the bookstore under fiction

 

Q: How can you  increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant!

 

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Unbelievable

 

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming.

 

"You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

 

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If  I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: A man walks into the psychiatrist'clinic

 

A man walks into the psychiatrist'clinic with  zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

 

He says, What is wrong with me?"

 

The psychiatrist replies, 'You are not eating properly"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Street name?

 

'I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the  411 operator.

 

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

 

The young man hestitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: A  woman'prerogative....

 

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the  entire ceremony.

 

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

 

Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"

 

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another man"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bowling ball humor

 

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans these holes.

 

There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers.  I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong.

 

The pins are passing out from the smell.

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Problem

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "I've  got this problem"

 

The psychiatrist asks, "What is it?"

 

"Well, during the day I'm attracted to women, and for some reason at night I'm attracted to men. Do  you know what could it be?"

 

The psychiatrist reflects for  a minute and says, "This sounds like a classic case of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hiney'

 

[lovehandle]

just realised there is a thread on jokes

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Not speaking... .

 

Following an especially angry argument, Mr and Mrs Smith went to bed not speaking to each other Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six"

 

An exasperated Mr Smith awoke atten the  folowing morningn rolled stiffty  out of bed to see a note on his beside table" it's Six, you bum! Get out bed!"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke:: ...... wanted to have sex....

 

Whenever John wanted to have sex, he would say to Mary "Let's do some laundry, honey"

 

Well, one day Mary felt horny, so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

 

John replied "No, thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: ......in love

 

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn't get up enough courage to pop question face to face.

 

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. "Darling! He blurted out, 'Will you marry me?"

 

"Of course, I will, you silly boy,"she replied, "Who's speaking?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Edited Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.'

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, 'Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes.'
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, 'I thought we had a deal.'
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, 'She made me a much better offer.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was telling his neighbour...

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
it cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty,' came the reply.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the grocery store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don't be upset. It won't be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don't cry – only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “I'm Monica – my little girl's name is Tammy.”


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna play house?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Socrates

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" 

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." 
"Three?" 

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" 

"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." 
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" 
"No, on the contrary..." 

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" 
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. 
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" 

"Well it....no, not really..." 
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" 
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. 
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife. 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A mother was working in the kitchen ...

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new Christmas electric train in the living room by the tree. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue...

"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There once was a "smart guy," ...

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy."

 

They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes.

 

The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated.

 

The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A senior citizen said to his eighty-year ...

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man calls home to his wife and ...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy falls asleep on the beach...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It was the kindergarten teacher...

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. 

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". 
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. 
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." 
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. 

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. 

"No," said the little girl. 
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked. 
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An Incredible Inventor

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel.

 

Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted.

 

He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house.

 

One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad.

 

Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: All Night Duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." 

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. 
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" 
"Yeah, so?" said the officer. 

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?" 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Intercom repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was staffing the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, “Is that okay now?”

“Well, no,” the customer replied. “Now you sound like a girl.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mouse Pad

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

 

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

 

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

[worldangel]

Joke: There were three men standing ...

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to meet them and asked, "What would you like to hear your relatives and friends say at your funeral?"

The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor, and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving people's lives and giving them a second chance."

The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I made a difference in some young people's lives."

The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are all really great things, but I guess if I had the chance I would rather hear someone say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: No more nailbiting...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

My Billy used to do the same things," the older woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One day a college professor of...

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. 

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" 

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. 

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. 

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."