Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: My Dog Did It Eat It

'Johnny, where's your homework?' Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.

'My dog ate it,' was his solemn response.

'Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?'

'It's true, Miss Martin, I swear,' insisted Johnny. 'I had to force him, but he ate it!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sales clerk asked his boss how ….

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Location...Location...Location

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" 
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" 

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." 
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. 
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. 

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[worldangel]

Joke: Was it a ghost?

There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOODNESS! HE'S BACK!"

He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turkey and the Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." 
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. 

"Yes?" 
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. 
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" 
"8:25!" 

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. 

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cookies in Heaven?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife. 
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Special children’s rate...

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you expect to get into heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Warranty

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said.

“That's right, sir,” the salesman answered. “During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding speech

My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down.”

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. 

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" 
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." 
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye.

 

He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate.

 

The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wrong way....

As an older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turn Back Your Car Odometer

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it's at the wrong address.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" 

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." 
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." 

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" 

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." 
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? 
"No," she says. 

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A prosecuting attorney called ...

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.'

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, 'If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it's at the wrong address.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Can I take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. 
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" 
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." 

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" 
The first kid says, "A circumcision." 

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A businessman boarded a flight...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

 

He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

 

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Should have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Princess & a frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my

clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fu#ken think so!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Launderette reunion...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One morning the lion is feeling...

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."

A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."

This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"

With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.

As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother had three daughters a...

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.

The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".

When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"

Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady about 8 months pregnant...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. 

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop Redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fear of alligators ....

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Volkswagen and the Rolls

A man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.” “I got one too… see?” “Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It's right here!” “Uh-huh.”

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here… see?!”

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?” “Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”

“AND YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three guys go in for a job interview ...

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

 

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

 

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

 

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two teachers are talking in the...

Two teachers are talking in the hallway.

"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class"

"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"

"Why not?"

"Too much Saxon Violence"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Question time....

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where are you from?

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was in a cave, looking for ...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

 

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars."

 

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Horse Rider

A blonde decides to learn and try horse-back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny is about to go on...

Little Johnny is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "Johnny, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

Little Johnny picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as Johnny's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Little Johnny thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

Little Johnny then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

 

The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rodeo Sex

The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:

First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.

You then also undress and mount up from behind.

Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.

Your right hand is held waiving in the air.

At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day Little Johnnie came ho...

One day Little Johnnie came home to his mum and said "Mummy I learned a new word today."

"What's that dear" his mother asked

"Masturbation" he replied

Shocked, his mother replied "Ohh, that’s a mouthful"

"No mummy that’s a blowjob" he replied.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"