Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Check the E-mail Address

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good News/Bad News

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." 

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on. 
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." 

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" 
"Barb, it's me, Rose." 
"You're not Rose. Rose just died." 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. 
"Rose! Where are you?" 

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." 
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb. 
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired." 

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" 
"You're pitching Tuesday." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A schoolteacher asked her primary 6 ...

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Porch or Lexus?

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

"$50" she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.

"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."

Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cookies in Heaven?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife. 
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ? 
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" 
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" 

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." 

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" 

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." 

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: 
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. 
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While giving a physical the doctor...

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises. 

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" 

"Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Touring South America

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. 

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. 
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. 

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young child walked up to her...

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mom of an eight year old boy...

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies.

 

He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is.

 

The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis.

 

Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Deep Thinkers Men Are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. 
Finally I thought about an age old question: 

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? 
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. 
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." 
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." 

I rest my case. 
Time for another beer.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sally & Brenda

Sally and Brenda (both blondes) exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Sally asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."

"No, that won't work" answered Brenda. "People will think we're trying to break in." 

So Sally suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Brenda. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Sally, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Fertilizer...

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lady was walking down the street...

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman was preparing for...

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" 

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

 

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

 

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A penguin takes his car to the...

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

 

So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream.

 

Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

 

He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him,

 

"Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Language Barrier

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Harry had a bit of a drinking ...

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

 

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.

 

Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.

 

The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in.

 

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Emily was complaining to...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

 

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied,

 

"That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Women with duck

Woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartender says "what'll the pig have."

The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!".

I know says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy wants to become a magician...

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. 

Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. 

Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. 

Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DA!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An old man is met by his attorney...

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

 

The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.

 

The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A sexy lady meet a handsome young man...

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want." 

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it." 

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want." 

Young man said, "OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me." 

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. 

Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning. After a while nothing happen. 

He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again nothing happened. 

The young man soon give up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response." 

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy wants to become a magician..

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. 

Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. 

Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. 

Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DA!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The teenage granddaughter comes...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! 

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. 

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... 

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man at this construction...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tired sperm

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"

The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not so smart friends

 

A young lady stops at the gas station to fill up and realizes she has locked her keys inside the car. When going inside to pay, she asks for a hanger to unlock her car. 

After a few minutes the attendant comes to help. 

The not so bright lady is moving the hanger, while inside the car is her not so bright friend giving directions. "RIGHT, NOW LEFT, JUST A LITTLE MORE RIGHT..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fastest dad

 

Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest. 

One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow." 

The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything." 

The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishy dinner

 

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. 

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?" 

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: First-aid course

 

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. 

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. 

"What did you do?" asked the bartender. 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is in the drink?

 

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked. 

He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?” 

He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.”

 

[worldangel]

 

 

 

Joke: Last wish

 

A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six months to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. 

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. 

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. 

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". 

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the world would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" 

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was my husband

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always fighting. Then one morning as Mrs. Smith was driving around town, running some errands, her car was crashed into by a hit and run driver at a relatively low speed. 

A police officer rushed up and asked her if she'd taken the car's number. 

"I didn't need to," replied Mrs. Smith. "It was my husband in that car." 

"Did you see him?" asked the officer. 

"No," said Mrs. Smith, "but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Fresh flowers

 

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer.

 

"Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?" I asked. 

"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week." 

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hypothetical Hollywood

 

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion... In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. 

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me. 

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "George Clooney." 

"In that case," she said, "I’ll play myself."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Problem Solver

 

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. 

"That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’" he said. 

"What's wrong with that?" I asked. 

"Well, based on that, and considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d probably hand me a bill for $798,000."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rapid train service

 

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. 

"What's going on?" she yells out the window. 

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. 

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who’s paying?

 

A few animals are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night with the check. 

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent." 

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!" 

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders." 

The elephant blurts out, "It's on me, I have enough money in the trunk!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The new SUV

 

Two old friends were chatting. One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV." 

Other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine that, an SUV... what a great gift!" 

"Yup! Socks, Underwear, AND Viagra!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Call 911

 

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. 

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." 

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" 

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aim of disturbance

 

A burglar broke into the home of a good Quaker gentleman. 

From upstairs, the Quaker heard the noises below and realized there was an intruder. 

He took his hunting rifle to the top of the stairs and announced: "Friend, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."