Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Meeting the Parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because hes a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
 

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: College Dormitory

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 
2. An old friend who once saved your life. 
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? 

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. 

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. 
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." 

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Language

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: The wedding ring....

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Labor pains

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. When they got there, the doctor said, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives them to the father."

 

So the married couple decided that they would try the new machine. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50%.

 

The husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing." The doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", but the husband replied "I am ready." The doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband still didn’t fell a thing! They went home happy with a pain free labor! When they got home they were shocked to find the mailman was dead on the front porch!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked.

“My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn't know planes had parents.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy is reading his paper when ...

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Kidding Me...

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. 
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" 

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." 
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". 

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first. 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" 

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" 

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! " 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny came downstairs ...

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.

 

His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

 

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears.

 

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother.

 

“I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?”

 

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rifle range trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What's the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

[worldangel]

Joke:  A guy was driving when a policeman ...

 A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

 He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

 The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

 The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It changed the meaning...

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fish Cost A Fortune

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer died and arrived at the ...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

 

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. 

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. 

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" 

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

[worldangel]

Joke: Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the public pool

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny is passing his ...

Little Johnny is passing his parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dealing With Trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Ali the great boxer too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The stockbroker received notice...

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, and then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Doyle” “why would you say that?” wondered the broker. “Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A husband is advised by a psychiatrist ...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary comes home rather late. ...

Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.” 

“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A newly wed farmer and his wife...

A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. 

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. 

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lost in a balloon

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:

“We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?”

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

“You're in a balloon!”

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

“That man must be a manager.”

“Why?”

“Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The old man had died. A wonder...

The old man had died.

 

A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

 

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. 

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." 

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" 
"The gentleman was your doctor." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How do you expect to get into heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Marked The Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.

 

One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." 

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" 

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." 

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital regulations require a...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

 

However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital.

 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator.

 

On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said.

 

“She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought.

 

As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" 

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Howard is 95 and lives in a senior ...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Goodbye, Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time.”

“That's a shame,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “as I'm leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

[worldangel]

 Joke: During a political debate the ...

During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."

The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and whenever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."

The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."

The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."

The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in the hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. 
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, 
"What is your business in Australia?" 

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. 
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?" 
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wallet reminder

Hubby – You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife – When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby – You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife – Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist, after completing work...

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”

The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”

The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Super Absorbed

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?"

 

Without hesitation, Timmy says, "A box of Tampax." Surprised, the doctor asks why. "Well," Timmy says, "it says on TV that with Tampax, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." 

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. 

The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years." 

She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?" 
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Defective nails...?

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Biology Lesson

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “‘It's because yer feet ain't empty.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Female Hormones

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. 

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." 

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. 
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." 

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. 
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked.

"Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"