Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Efficiency expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes”, replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: These two little boys are sitting ...

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?".

The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks
into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach ...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney.

[worldangel]

Joke: Does that hurt?

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story…

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, “Does this hurt or does that hurt?” After each probe, he replied, “No.” When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, “That hurts!”

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, “You're kneeling on my fingers!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Attending a wedding for the first time ...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"

 

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

 

The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Year’s Resolutions

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into a sporting goods ...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. 

"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. 

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. 

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two golden-agers were discussion ...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement ...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,

I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diagnosis

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.”

“He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

“How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

“Didn't you say he was 13?”

[worldangel]

Joke: An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

 

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

 

Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

 

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The husband was not home at his ...

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.

Finally, at about 3:00 a.m., she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

"A round of drinks!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cliff side accident

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.

Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.

After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.

They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.

Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.

Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.

To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.

She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.

After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad advice

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

 

"What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Garbage day....

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

 

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer pulls over a ...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The penny....

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Leaning slightly

 

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

 

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused … told me I was crazy.

 

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

 

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

 

“So,” I said, “You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

 

He just looked at me and said, … “I stand corrected.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three sisters, ages 92, 94, an...

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. 

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure.

 

Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[worldangel]

Joke: The mirror...

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Doctor, before you...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chiropractor

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.

 

He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. 

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" 

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." 

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Are We Lost?

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" 

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" 

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" 

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. 

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" 

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The young mother skeptically examined ...

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. 

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. 

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day a little girl was sitting ...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lemonade

 

My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner.

 

Noting that the bottle said that it was “not made from concentrate” she asked me what that meant.

 

I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.

 

While my wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, “That must be why they got caught.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Six guys were playing poker when ...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

 

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

 

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

 

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher at age ...

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Like son like father....

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do you recall the time...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M. 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time? 

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Doctor was addressing a large...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa..

 

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining..

 

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: No ID

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, “I suppose you will want some identification.”

He replied, without hesitation, “No ma'am, that won't be necessary.”

“How come?” asked the woman.

“Crooks don't buy peat moss,” answered the clerk.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A new way to diet...

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Date

 

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move. "I`m a hooker". 

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

 

After they finish, the guy says, "Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town". 

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: There was this guy who went to...

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After a while he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A traveler wandering on an island ...

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

The sign in the shop read:

Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot dog

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bats are hanging in their ...

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

[worldangel]

Joke: You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Scavenger hunt...

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

[worldangel]

Joke: Reading glasses

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed “to help him read and be able to see the computer better”.

When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.

I asked him what was the problem and he said, “I still can't read.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two robins were sitting in a tree

Two robins were sitting in a tree. 
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." 

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. 
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. 

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. 
"OK," said the first. 
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. 

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... 
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An employment interviewer for a big …..

An employment interviewer for a big company in London was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. 

Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work, as she lived outside the city.

"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her. 

"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."