Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Quite a Beauty

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: 

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him. 

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is he dead?

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lady is walking down the street ...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: All expenses paid...

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A boy just started going out ...

A boy just started going out with a girl that he really liked. the girl said he was going to meet her parents. And if all went well, he would get lucky (if u know wat i mean. *winkwink*.... so the boy thought "if I’m gonna get lucky, I should get some condoms."

 

So he went to a pharmacy to get a pack. When he was at the girls house that night, they bowed there heads in prayer and even when they are done, the boy kept his head down the girl said: I didn’t know you were so religious..

The boy responded: I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist...
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Complete coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What was the first ...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It was a blonde’s first day at ...

It was a blonde’s first day at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. 
Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop. 

She held up the thermos so that the counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" 
The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me." 

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The great detective

The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.

At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch.

“Aha, Watson,” said Holmes, “the plot thickens.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: During my earlier career days,...

During my earlier career days, offices recorded attendance in book registers and we had pay cuts for being late more than 4 times a month and the update was under control of the receptionist.

 

On one occasion, our boss appreciated & commended a colleague of mine for drastic improvement for on time attendance, surprisingly just after he moved to a far away home location.

 

My colleague’s instant reaction to my boss was “Sir the receptionist is coming late to the office"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. 

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. 

The old farmer told him he had buried them. 
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" 

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Soap and water...

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.

 

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Question and answer

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.

She sells C shells by the seashore.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?

A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?

A: You get a short circut.

Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was driving down the ...

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.

The tree is still in front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.

When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her. The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The children had all been photographed ...        

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late – again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

 

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, “Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde couple was delighted ...

A blonde couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

 

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bachelors...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde, brunette and redhead...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."

The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."

Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. 

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" 
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." 

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. 

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" 
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. 

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. 
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. 
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. 

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. 
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.. 

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.. 
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. 
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' 

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' 
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' 

Don't ever underestimate old Guys .

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cash, check or charge?" I asked ...

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

 

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young lady came home from a date ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is driving up a steep, narrow ...

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Another Drink

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." 

"Why is that," the host asked? 

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: "Say," began Lucille...

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?" 

"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea. 

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly. 

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..." 

"Oh, really?" 

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a boy standing on a ...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

 

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A plus

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good Heaven, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple trying to live up …

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not speaking...

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Old maid

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Read this question, come up with ….

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my list! 

[worldangel]

 Joke:  Free Drinks For Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A honeymooning couple had purchased

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. 

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop. 

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." 
That didn't work. 

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. 

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try." 
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Drunk test...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man went to the doctor's …

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."

"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."

"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Geography Class

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: During the local match, a spectator ….

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

[worldangel]

 Joke:  A Very Happy Psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like.

 

The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.

 

I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose.

 

You can probably guess the rest.

 

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the wise company president...

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: 

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid. 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband, proving to his wife

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

 

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne? 
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"