Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. 
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. 

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) 
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. 

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. 
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. 

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." 
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. 

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. 
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing Your Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, 'What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?'

A man standing next to her suggests, 'I don't know, why don't you play your age?'

He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, 'What happened? Is she all right?'

The operator replies, 'I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Whole Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything. 

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." 

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickup truck full of penguins...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist ..

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" 

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply. 

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc. 

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman went to her doctor ...

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Nice Guy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. 

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." 

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

He does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. 
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!' 
The teacher wet her pants laughing....... 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trying to Take It With You

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep.

 

A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: There once was a lady who was ...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.

 

She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed.

 

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. 

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." 

"Yes, but are you good in bed?" 

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man was walking through ...

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A burglar alarm sent out its piercing ….

A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of night in Brooklyn and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What's an accomplice?" the burglar replied.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"

[worldangel]

Joke: There once was a man who owned

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

 

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

 

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

 

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and outcome sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury duty...

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two guys were riding in a car,...

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville."

 

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant.

 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

 

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Want Me to Stay?

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.'

He turned around and said, 'So, you want me to stay?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bit apprehensive...

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

 

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late one night a mugger wearing...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A quick drink...

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde in a Snow Storm

A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic.

 

Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm.

 

Then follow the plow to safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she followed it.

After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing.

She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three weeks after her wedding ...

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" 

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was walking in the street...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. 

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his dog were walking...

A man and his dog were walking along a road The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde, Brunette and Redhead

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their obgyn. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl...

The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!"

The two others smile and...

The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!"

The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask...

"Why are you crying?"

"I think I'm going to have a puppy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife and I went to the County

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

[worldangel]

Joke: I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”

 

“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”

 

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Tourist

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. 

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." 

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So, he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." 

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose”. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 

She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy in a bar notices a woman ...

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. 

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied. 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A juggler, driving to his next...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!” 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sad-faced Doug walked into a...

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. 
 

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. 

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. 
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. 

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? 
"I went to visit my Nana." 
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." 

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People' words." 
She then asked little Alex what he had done. 
"I read a book," he replied. 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" 
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk was staggering down the ...

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.

 

Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew.

 

He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress.

 

Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.

 

His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally, he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

 

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the night ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

 

 "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Rich old man, who inherited ...

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?". 

His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was driving down the ...

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.

The tree is still in front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.

When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.

 

The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman phones up her husband ...

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat... 

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today" 

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." 

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?" 

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After making love, the woman said ...

After making love, the woman said the man, "So, you're a doctor?" 
"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor." 

"Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist." 
"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy. 

"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, you must help me....

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Driver …….

 

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. 
Always down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer.

 

Then he remembered, "I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.
But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "I've got this problem."

The psychiatrist asks, "What is it?"

"Well, during the day I'm attracted to women, and for some reason at night I'm attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?"

The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says, "This sounds like a classic case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hiney."

[worldangel]

 Joke: What happened here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop the bus!!

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."