Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: You Don't Need to Be a Weather...

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman... 
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. 

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. 
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Died Suddenly

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. 

Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." 
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD." 

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, 
"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." 

Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny's preschool class...

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

 

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life before computers...

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Break in....

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. 

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. 

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" 
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." 

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is driving up a steep, narrow ...

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

 

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

If only men would listen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Behind the wheel...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A rich millionaire throws a massive ...

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Herd of cows...

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

 

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Behind the bush

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower.

Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.

("I need the rake.")

She replies by pointing to her eye ,

grabbing her left breast, slaps her butt, then rubs her crotch.

The man is confused and runs upstairs.

"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe the lawyer died suddenly, ...

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

[Guest Hummingbird]

how can I be happy if I just got fired? =(

[worldangel]

Joke: Living at Home

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. 

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..." 
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired. 
"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Only Reason You Married Me

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.

'Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied. 'I don't care who left it to you.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk at the bar...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A student comes to a young pro...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."

 

His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Only Reason You Married Me

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.

'Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied. 'I don't care who left it to you.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[worldangel]

 Joke: This guy goes into a doctor's ...

 

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

 

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

 

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

 

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Late Blonde

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. 

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident.

 

A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street.

 

His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank Goodness I took that first-aid course. 

"What did you do?" asked the bartender. 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college physics professor was...

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. 
“Why do we have to learn this stuff? ” one young man blurted out. 
 

“To save lives, ” the professor responded before continuing the lecture. 
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” 
 

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. 
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

[worldangel]

Joke: During a terrible storm, all the ...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.

 

The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

 

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Is It Serious?

A man walks into his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor I have a bit of an embarrassing problem."

The doctor replies, "Okay, let’s see it."

The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a lettuce leaf growing out his backside.

The man asks "Do you think it's serious?"

The doctor replies, "To tell you the truth it looks like just the tip of the iceberg."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Miracle Diet

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. 

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds. 

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An 18-year old girl tells ...

An 18-year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign of the times...

A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: About 3:30 in the morning, a wife ...

About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen.

 

As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.

 

He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."

 

He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.

 

The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

 

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

 

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: The new mother got out of bed ...

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book. 

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed. 
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied. 

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby." 
"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. 

"My baby already has a FIRST name!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elementary, my dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

 

He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there. 
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5... 
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." 
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." 
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too." 

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" 
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man walks into a bar, sits down ...

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago.

 

She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” 

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple were asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. 
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. 

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" 
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't any idea who it was. 
It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog walks into a bank. He goes to ...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager.

 

"Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy comes down for br...

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. 
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. 

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. 

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.” 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: While driving down the road a ...

While driving down the road a motorist passed a fairground and he noticed a fortune teller sitting under a canopy outside, laughing and smiling.

 

The motorist drove on for a couple of miles down the road then spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller.

 

He pulled up next to the woman, jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

 

"What are you doing?" asked the injured woman.

 

The man replied: "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy man"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man and a woman finally decide ...

A man and a woman finally decide to get married. When she's moving her belongings into their new home, the husband sees a big trunk with a padlock on it. He asks his new bride what she keeps in the trunk, and she just says she'll tell him later, when she can trust him more.

30 years of marriage go by, the husband once more asks his wife what is in the trunk. He tells her that since they've been married for so many years now she should be able to trust him. She says ok & unlocks the trunk.

Inside there are 2 ears of corn & $25,000. He asks her why the 2 ears of corn are in the trunk. She replies that every time during their 30 years of marriage that she had cheated on him, she placed an ear of corn inside the trunk. He thought to himself... well, 30 years, 2 ears of corn, she's only cheated on me twice... that's not too-o-o-o... bad.

Ok...he asks...what's with the $25,000???

She says... every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it!

[worldangel]

Joke: Before...

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men are sitting naked in...

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explained.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A student comes to a young professor’s office...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

 

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

 

"I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."

 

His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible News

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' " 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wash the dog...

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"