Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Two fools are about to go flying

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double."

 

The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2.

 

Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally, he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! 

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We  need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're 
going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me 

when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. 
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray ...

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn. 

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake. 

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do. 

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A little boy went to the bathroom ...

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bravest Troops

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. 

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied. 
Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below. 

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!" 
The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Witch doctor weather...

A film crew is on location in a far land, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Better Both Visit the Doctor

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There were two blondes, and the...

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car.

 

She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second. 

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One day Little Johnnie came home ...

One day Little Johnnie came home to his mum and said "Mummy i learned a new word today."

"What's that dear" his mother asked

"Masturbation" he replied

Shocked, his mother replied "Ohh, that’s a mouthful"

"No mummy that’s a blowjob" he replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: In a moment of passion, farmer...

In a moment of passion, farmer John and his wife, Delores, ripped off their clothes and tumbled into a very muddy cornfield for a little impromptu lovemaking on a rainy Sunday morning. They started to slip and slide around a bit in the mud.

"Say, honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" John asked.

Delores felt around and said, "Why, Johnny boy, it's in the mud!"

"Well, put it back in ya," he said.

After awhile, farmer John asked again, "Honey, is it still in you or in the mud?"

"Ohh, it's in me, dear. It's IN me!!" Delores cooed happily.

"Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A motorist was unknowingly caught...

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

 

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

 

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

 

He immediately mailed in his $40.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical compliment

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blonde yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!''

[worldangel]

Joke: At the airport for a business ...

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

 

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

 

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

 

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

 

She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

 

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Polish immigrant went to the...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

 

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 

"Can you read this?" the optician asked. 

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[worldangel]

Joke: You got the warning

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a father and his little ...

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blonde's Brain

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

 

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette.

"We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde.

"I almost got caught."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man walks into a bar and say...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye."

 

The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.

 

He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."

 

Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!"

 

So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh Goodness, I'm coming!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Present

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". 

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." 

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. 

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Generosity

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum." 

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" 

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The will to live...

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After spending a night at a hotel ...

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. 

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." 

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that." 

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol 
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. 

After one day, these were the results: 
The first worm in alcohol - dead. 
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. 
Third worm in sperm - dead. 
Fourth worm in soil - alive. 

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." 
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

 

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In a grammar lesson in eighth ...

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” 

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The young mother skeptically examined ...

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. 

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. 

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

[worldangel]

Joke: Type what I tell you

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I feel like my body has gotten...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. 

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time, a beautiful,...

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

 

The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

 

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diagnose this patient...

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.

 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The hearing aid...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

 

e went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect.

 

Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Profiting from Mistakes

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.

 

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little David was in his 5th grade ...

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pay for your past bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

 

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Cub Scout trop was half...

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”

“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”

“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”

“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Airplane ride...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.

 

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

 

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' 

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

 

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

 

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

 

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

 

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

 

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

 

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ? 

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Walk on water....

Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"