Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

 

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man placed some flowers on...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.

 

For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: Traffic lights camera

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.

AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Explaining His Claim

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A brunette who really hated blondes ...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day a man found an odd-looking ...

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. 
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. 

"I want one billion dollars," replies the man. 
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get." 
"I know," replied the man.

The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content. 
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. 
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother and her young inquisitive ...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let him dig...

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Postman’s last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Women pleasing dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. 

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" 

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." 

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannibals capture three men. ...

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

 

Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

 

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork.

 

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

 

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pun of the Day

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" 

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." 

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" 

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. 

"Do you want to try?" 

"No, but thanks anyway." 

"Why not?", asks the barman. 

"The steaks are too high." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with no arms walked up to...

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Home Early

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her
husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Working On The Road

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

 

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

 

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two drunks are sitting elbow to...

Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says.

“Why?” asks Tom

“Because if I knew I would not go there “Paul replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: A pain in the leg...

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation.

 

The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist was getting ready to...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.

 

The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

 

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

 

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

 

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paper shredder...

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple was celebrating ...

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

 

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

 

The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement.

 

I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.

 

And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

[worldangel]

Joke: One of my friends works in the...

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."
He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Indecent Proposal

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. 

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. 

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. 

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. 

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean my house." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Marathon

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" 

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." 
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" 

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. 

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" 
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" 
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog gone!

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.

Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised his ...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.

 

The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem With Women

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicks

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. 
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience.

 

Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN".

 

The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

[worldangel]

Joke: Three couples are at the local ...

Three couples are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on.

Deciding that this was an innovative idea, they went off to the men's restroom. Inside, the first man says "Mine is 6 inches", the second man says "Mine is 4 inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine is 2 inches, so that brings the total to 12".

So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money.

While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%". Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should get it all".

The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything".

[worldangel]

 Joke: Feeling guilty

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter? "For Heaven's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Glory Be Unto the Father

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two rather old retired racehorses ...

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..."

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."

Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."

The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: New secretary

The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.

 

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

 

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.

 

"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marvin had been fishing all day ….

Marvin had been fishing all day without any luck. On the way home he stopped at a fish market and said to the clerk, "Please stand there and throw me a few of your biggest trout."

The clerk was puzzled. "Throw them to you? What for?"

"I may be a poor fisherman," Marvin replied, "but I'm no liar. I want to be able to say I caught them myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old, tired-looking dog wand...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

 

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft.

 

Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

 

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.

 

They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.

 

While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.

 

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

 

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." 

[worldangel]

Joke: He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde who got a fishing rod...

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.

Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

[worldangel]

Joke: A dying man’s wish...

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." 

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?" 

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."