Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"

 

The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer saw a car speeding...

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

 

He started chasing after the speeder. When he got close he saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

 

The cop yelled, Pull over! The blonde shouted back, No! It’s a sweater!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Belated Guardian Angel

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you. 

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. 

The voice shouted, Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die. 

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. 

Where are you? the man asked. Who are you? 

I am your guardian angel, the voice answered. 

Oh yeah? the man asked. Where the hell were you when I got married last week?

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diamond Ring

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three visitors to ...

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest.

 

They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. 

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash.

 

The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. 

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.

 

"How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. 

"My watch is 30 minutes slow." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bread

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 

He said, "I want 5 loaves." 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?" 

He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A grade school teacher was asking ...

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: An Extremely Loyal Football Fan

There was a Packers fan with a really terrible seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.

 

Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" 

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." 

The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor got a phone call from...

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues.

 

We need a fourth for poker, the voice on the phone said.

 

I’ll be right over, replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, Is it serious?

 

Oh yes, quite serious, he said gravely. They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Millionaire Gift

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. 

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?' 

'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly. 

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?' 

Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

[worldangel]

Joke: No worries...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

 

Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

 

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Blonde walks into a Restaurant ...

A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back.

 

The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that said "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper.

 

She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars.

 

The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconscious.

 

When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea.

 

When she sees one of her friends (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

[worldangel]

Joke: A businessman finds that his neighbor ...

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round.

 

The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

 

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

[worldangel]

Joke: Student exams...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Newest Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Brewery accident...

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.

"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."

"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.

"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."

"Oh, my Goodness NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."

"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."

Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Heaven! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"

Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."

"NO?"

"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.

 

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. 

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' 

The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.

So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.

The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. 

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

"They're Carol's." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are ...

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob; "How about Viagra"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good News/Bad News

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." 

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on. 
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." 

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" 
"Barb, it's me, Rose." 
"You're not Rose. Rose just died." 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. 
"Rose! Where are you?" 

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." 
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb. 
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired." 

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" 
"You're pitching Tuesday." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fighter pilot walks into a bar ...

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[worldangel]

Joke: White hairs...

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Five Surgeons

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

 

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A big-rig operator stopped to ...

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A part in the play...

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Does He Work?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" 

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" 

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." 

"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" 

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "Nothing. He's an economist." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john. He does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A college student picked up his...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally, he asked her, 
 

"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 
 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

[worldangel]

Joke: A little girl is sitting on he...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

 

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally, the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did the Heaven make you?" 

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. 

"Well, did the Heaven make me?" asks the little girl. 

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. 

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..." 

[worldangel]

Joke: There where two snakes talking...

There where two snakes talking. 

The first one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?" 

Then the second Snake says, "Why do you ask?" 

The first one replies, "I just bit my lip." 

[worldangel]

Joke: By the time the soldier pulled...

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"
She replies, "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The vet...

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Sunday school class studying...

A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: The robbery

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[worldangel]

Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

 

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

 

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep.

 

A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

 

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taylor was desperate for business...

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

 

The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

 

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hundred Dollar a Night

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My Goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door taking tickets "