Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Your kid has been kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Check-up

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Judge Has Some Fun


A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

[worldangel]

Joke: Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.

 

She got out of bed and checked around the house.

 

She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

 

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

 

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. 

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." 
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. 

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." 

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!" 
"Simple", replied the Priest... 

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old woman was rocking away ...

An old woman was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch and reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted 3 wishes!

"Well, now," said the old lady, "I've always wanted to be rich!" *POOF* Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman.

"And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch.

"Ooooh! Can you turn him into a handsome prince?" She asked. *POOF* There stood a young man, more handsome then anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and leaned over close to her.

Then he whispered in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An amazing dog...

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"

The dog said "Meow!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man wanted to celebrate his ...

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake.

 

The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said "put you are getting older but you! are getting better".

 

The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?" The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.' 

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were agape at the message on the cake. It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clocks in Heaven

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."

As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."

By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"

St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Researcher

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.

 

He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'.

 

Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Doctor at a health conference...

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboys secret...

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reason For Running

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien Sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?"

exclaims the woman.

"Why?"

he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.

"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After just a few years of marriage ...

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Goat

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. 

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 

"Goat," the little boy replied. 

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer goes out one day and ...

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month." 

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde. She had never ...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience.

 

So, the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well.

 

When all of a sudden, she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick!

 

So, she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

 

She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Picture menu....

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old drunks

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Upon retiring from the service...

Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about it. 

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture." 

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly. 

"Then bring us a better face!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks up to a cashier in...

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o", not "ho-lo-peen-yo". 

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please." The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven and Hell

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

 

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Did I say he was dead?

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A first-grade teacher was over...

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers.

 

One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.

The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

 

In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

 

So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. 

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" 

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." 

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The bad news...

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember.

 

The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results.

 

After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

[worldangel]

Joke: The patient went to his doctor

The patient went to his doctor for a check-up, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.

Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.
He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.

One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

[worldangel]

Joke:  Lightning Just Struck

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. 

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, the Heaven, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" 
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recognize you." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mommy, look at this....

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A FARMER and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare.

 

 The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth.

 

After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is giving a speech at his

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he's done and says, "I didn't realize I talked so long because I left my watch at home. Can someone tell me the time?"

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three nurses went to heaven, and ….

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts.

 

At first, she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

[worldangel]

Joke: To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor and a lawyer were attending ...

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

 

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, 'I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?'

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Visiting a clinic one day, Joe...

Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?" 
"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." 

"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. 
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. 

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. 
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. 

On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" 
"It's swollen," Joe replied.

[worldangel]

 Joke: This duck walks into a convenience ...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.

 

They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.

 

After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A schoolgirl approaches her mo...

A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!" 

"And where is that?" her mother asks. 

"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains. 

"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man is walking along the ...

A man is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. 
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." 

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" 

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lost credit card

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A father walks into a restaurant ...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary was discussing the various

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. 

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."