Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Buffalo Theory

 

The "Buffalo Theory" of beer.

 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

 

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental institution

 

A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall.

 

He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through.

 

However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured.

 

He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I left our room key at reception

 

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel.

 

When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order.

 

Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories.

 

So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I hung him up to dry

 

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

 

The hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself."

 

"He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Great friends

 

Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends. One day, they discover a magical fence.

 

You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it. Mary walks off to go to the bathroom. Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman."

 

So he turns into a mailman. Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale."

 

So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends. She decides to go looking for them. Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?"

 

And she turns into hairy dick.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins."

 

The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies.

 

The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At dentist

 

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

 

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

 

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

 

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

 

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

 

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: $10 bills

 

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!”

 

So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?”

 

He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Naked on the porch

 

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

 

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

 

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Edited December 10, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: 85-year old groom

 

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.

After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.'

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Buffalo Theory

 

The "Buffalo Theory" of beer.

 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

 

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before it starts

 

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazy boy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Not hungry

 

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 1 ….2…..3 ….!

 

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $350 room - Nice Hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.

He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Male virgin

 

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old.

 

She finally narrowed her choice to a computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman.

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means…..

Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart — If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Sexy — Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend — He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife — If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half — You complete the set – he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus — See The Wife.

My partner — He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other — He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed — He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better In Bed

Once there's a wealth couple, they have maid, driver and a gardener
The wife suspect that the hubby have a affair with the beautiful maid thus looking for chance to fire her.

One day when the hubby is not at home, the wife ask the maid over. She said, "you cook terrible, leaves now."
Maid reply, "But sir say I cook better then you."

Silence, tell her to go out.
As the maid was walking out to the door, she turn back and say, "By the way I'm better then you in bed"

The wife shout angrily, "SIR TOLD YOU THAT?"
Maid reply, "No mdm, It's the gardener and the driver."

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a little old lady who...

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. 
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. 

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. 
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! 

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." 
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." 

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An engineer, a physicist, and ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, 'How much is two plus two?' Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, 'Four.'

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, 'How much is two plus two?' The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, 'How much do you want it to be?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 

The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came. 

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress". 
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" 

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked. 
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Judi tried to sell her old car...

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.

 

Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just a head

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming

from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning
to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Know you are Addicted to the ...

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... 

· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 

· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball bat...

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man moves into a new flat an...

A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.

He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?"

 

The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you." 

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Competition

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog.

 

Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.

The doctor said, "Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said.

"Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a red head, a brunet...

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde riding in the back of a truck.

 

Suddenly the tire popped and the truck drove off the edge into the water.

The red head and brunette swam up and survived, but the blonde drowned because she couldn't get the tail gate open.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes, Carol and Patty...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.

 

She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

 

Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

[worldangel]

Joke: Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, ...

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. 
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" 
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." 

"What fer?" asked Bubba. 
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. 
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" .... 

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: No room at the inn...

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two roommates came in one nigh...

Two roommates came in one night and told their other roommate they were going to Le Mis. 

The third roommate said, "Really?" 

They replied, "Yeah, do you wanna come?" 

She said, "Sure, let me get my strap-on."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hoss rode into town to buy a bull ...

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word.

 

Hoss said to the telegram man, "OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'."

 

Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man.

 

"Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk at the bar...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two doctors were in a hospital...

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my Goodness!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Judi tried to sell her old car...

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Better In Bed

Once there's a wealth couple, they have maid, driver and a gardener
The wife suspect that the hubby have a affair with the beautiful maid thus looking for chance to fire her.
One day when the hubby is not at home, the wife ask the maid over. She said, "you cook terrible, leaves now."

Maid reply, "But sir say I cook better then you."
Silence, tell her to go out.
As the maid was walking out to the door, she turns back and say, "By the way I'm better then you in bed"

The wife shout angrily, "SIR TOLD YOU THAT?"
Maid reply, "No madam, It's the gardener and the driver."

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynecology and Mechanics

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. 

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. 

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman wants the inside of her house ...

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to get started. They stroll through the house and she points out the colours she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like a nice beige."

The contractor mutters, "Umm, hmm...", pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

Perplexed, the woman lets it slide as they continue into the next room. "Now in the dining room I'd like an off white, bright and airy." The contractor nods, makes another note on his pad of paper, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The homeowner is even more perplexed but she let's it slide. They move into the next room. She says, "Here in the bedroom, I'd like blue; a peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, "Yea, OK, that's fine", writes a note... Yet again, he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

Finally overcome with curiosity, the woman has to ask, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "Oh, that... I've got four blonds laying turf across the street."

[worldangel]

Joke: The annulment...

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice From Lawyers

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A car was driving down the street ...

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving.

 

The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over.

 

A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" 

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The local sheriff was looking ...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Summer was over and the teacher...

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, we went to Iowa."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blonde Lumberjack

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?"

asked the foreman.

"6" she replied.

"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

"How many this time?"

asked the foreman.

"12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A magician was employed by a Shipping Line ...

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve."

 

The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.

One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room.

 

At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For sometime they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally, the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Paging John Edward

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:

Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"
Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"

John: "Yes, it's me."
Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"
John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."

Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"
John: "I'm not in Heaven." 
Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"
John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"