Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Into Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. 
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. 

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!" 
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" 
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. 
"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." 
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven. 

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. 
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" 
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" 
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 
"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cannibal invited a cannibal ...

A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".

The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Traffic lights camera
 

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.

AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

[worldangel]

 Joke: White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

 

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man goes into his doctor ..

A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical.

 

After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly, Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lobsters

One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?" 

"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter. 

"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.

"Absolutely," said the waiter. 

The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission. 

Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant. 

Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There Was Just A Dog Fight

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women who were friends in ...

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked o

ut and saw a jogger running in place. 

"Yes?" 
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. 
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" 
"8:25!" 

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. 
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The factory foreman inspected ...

The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, 

“Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’”

“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blondes at the River

A blonde, out for a walk, comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

 

"Yoo hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: Repairing The Phone

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[worldangel]

 Joke: When I was 16, I got a boyfriend ...

When I was 16, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a boy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.

I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man just had his first...

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights.

 

The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.

 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, I think he's in the wrong place. The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him.

 

The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three men were sitting on a park bench ...

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.

“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”

“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

[worldangel]

Joke: A beggar walked up to a well-dressed ...

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "Heaven, I wish I had your willpower."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man and his dog...

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Act of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." 

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. 
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. 

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. 
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. 

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ? 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a party, a guy approached a girl ...

At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: “Doctor, you told me I have a ...

“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you have six months to live.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: The telephone rings in the principal’s office ...

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice. "I hope it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cuckoo Clock

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[worldangel]

Joke: While Bill waited at the airport ...

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded.

Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man.

Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.

[worldangel]

Joke: The elevator...

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.

The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...

The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Not me!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also shit in your pants."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Strongest Man

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I get no respect

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

[worldangel]

Joke: After gunning his BMW the wrong ...

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.

“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The captain’s shirt...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Pill Allows You To Fly

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. 

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: $20 to clean suit

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"

"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"

"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back,

"He shit in my pants, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is walking along the ...

A man is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. 

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." 

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So, he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" 

The man looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was walking along a ...

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish." 
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunters Must Keep Quiet

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.

An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. I thought I told you to be quiet! says Joe.

Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me, says Steve, and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, should we eat them now or take them with us?

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man had been crossing a street ...

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.

“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”

Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old timers, Arthur and Doris ...

Two old timers, Arthur and Doris, have been going out for about five years. Arthur and Doris are a shy couple and find it hard to hold hands.

One day Doris says to Arthur, "Arthur, we've been going out for a while now, don't you think we can get a bit more intimate? All we do is hold each other's hand."

Arthur then stops to think. "Ah... O.K. Doris, you're right, we need to get more intimate. Here's what we can do. From now on when we're together you can hold my penis."

Doris is excited because now she can take their relationship to the next level. So from then on Doris would be holding Arthur's penis in her hand wherever they would be. This went on for another five years. One day Doris saw Arthur with another woman sitting on a park bench, her hand was holding Arthur's penis. Doris was distraught.

She went to Arthur and cried, "What has she got that I haven't got?"

Arthur replied, "Parkinson's Disease".

[worldangel]

Joke: Arrived safely...

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Technology Problems

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. 

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. 

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. 
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. 
"She leaves her name," was the reply. 

After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on. 
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. 

"L-O-W C-E-L-L" 
Another problem solved. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man is at work one day when ...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an Earring. 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion  sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A school teacher injured his back ...

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

 

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Panic at the hotel...

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Few Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." 

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"