Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A girl came skipping home from...

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap perv

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

[worldangel]

Joke: The First Fight

Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bill said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Hillary replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.

 

He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" 

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A curious fellow died one day ...

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven.

Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan.....

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The interested doctor

A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"

"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.

When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.

"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."

"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at an insane asylum decided ...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in the supermarket...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The father of five children had ...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

 

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy"

[worldangel]

Joke: Punished...

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. 
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6-foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A doctor is doing the rounds of...

A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. "And when is Mrs. Smith's baby due?" he asks the nurse. 

"The 5th of September," replies the nurse. 

"I see," says the doctor, "And how about Mrs. Jones?" 

"She's due on the 5th too," replies the nurse. 

"And Mrs.Evans?" says the doctor. 

"She's also due on the 5th," says the nurse. 

"And, don't tell me Mrs. Brown is due on the 5th as well," says the doctor. 

"I don't think so," replies the nurse. "She didn't go to the company picnic." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A pilot landed a plane with a ...

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.

 

He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

[worldangel]

Joke: T.G.I.F.

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house Wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. 

'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' 

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't Realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front' 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A cannibal entered the meat market ...

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. 

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. 

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two guys were hiking in the mountains ...

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground. 

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?" 

"I dunno," said the second. 

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom. 

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft. 

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat. 

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole." 

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Having a Beer

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was on trial for selling...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. 

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" 

"No sir," answered the man. 

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" 

"No sir." 

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?" 

"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." 
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. 
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." 

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. 
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Infamous stud

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind salesman...

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"That’s an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A funeral service is being held ...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. 

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man looking to get mar...

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone whos' just like your mother."

 

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with a pegleg, hook hand and...

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad gums

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."

The boy listened intently to his father's advice.

Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.

Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.

"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.

"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Just Needed To Use Your Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. 

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." 

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck Test

Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" 

The other replies, "He had a farm." 
The first asks, "How do you spell it?" 

To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young girl came home from a ...

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Curtains

What is the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?

A hooker says, "Faster, faster."

A lover says, "Slower, slower."

A housewife says, "Curtains...I think I need new curtains!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer was cross-examining the ...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men were sitting around...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Holes

Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hell.

One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell. Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.

Norris gets pissed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this shit? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there."

The Heaven says, "Look closer, the beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde doesn't."

[worldangel]

Joke: Beware of dog...

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is Harry?

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. 

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter. 

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," 

Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" 

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. 

In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ten Times

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" 
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" 

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." 

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed. 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. 

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. 

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" 

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An engineer was crossing a road ….

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife are sitting...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. 
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence-

HUSBAND: "sh*t."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Clerk Tries To Get It On With A Pretty Girl

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Is A Very Fast Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." 
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."