Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: An obnoxious guy walks into the ….

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage.

 

As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally, he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

[worldangel]

Joke: An obnoxious guy walks into the ……

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage.

 

As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally, he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."

[worldangel]

Joke: Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

 

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing ...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

[worldangel]

Joke: A man took his wife to the rod...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man took his wife to the rod...

 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Facing the Lion

'Yes, I came face to face with a lion once, and as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun.'

'What did you do?'

'What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me.

I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast.”

'How did you get away?'

'I just left him and moved on to the next zoo exhibit.'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke:  Pass Out In Shock

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. 

Someone dialed 911. 

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. 

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was sitting on the train ...

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed." 

She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys are walking through the ….

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a rail road tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The bookie slowly counted out...

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However, did you manage to pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why Isn't the Line Moving? 

 
At a store, a Blonde lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items.

Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all.

She shouted at the cashier, 'Is this line going to take all day long?'

The cashier replied, 'Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[worldangel]

Joke: BETTER THAN EATING THE EVIDENCE...

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring.

 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.

"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy went into a restaurant...

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup.

This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. 

He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy knocks at the door...

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back.

 

The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child.

 

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A salesman telephone a household ...

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ma and Pa

Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"

"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"

"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.

"Ice cream.. with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. 

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. 

When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

[worldangel]

Joke: This young man was elated when...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for an one under seventeen years of age.

 

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m.

 

if he wanted. Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven” His father said.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bee Between Legs

A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So, they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Disappearing diner

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time there was a famous ...

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.

 

He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. 

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: 
Port Left 
Starboard Right

[worldangel]

 Joke: GRATEFUL MARRIAGE

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A barber gave a haircut to ...

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, 'you do Heaven’s work.' The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, saying, 'you protect the public.' The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, 'you serve the justice system.' The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS".

Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

[Guest 含着Lan Pa的女孩]

妹妹我爱吞精，只有满口精液我才快活，请问谁可以让我happy吗

[worldangel]

 Joke: Get Well Soon 
 

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. 

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. 
 

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Love, from the nurse you gave a ticket to, last week!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm ! back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde. She had never ...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior expierience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse.

 

The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well.

 

When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horses mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

 

She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off

[worldangel]

Joke: A white-haired old man walked ...

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. 
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. 

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said. 

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. 

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." 

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A white-haired old man walked ...

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. 
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. 

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said. 

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. 

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." 
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... 
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" 
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." 
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." 

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, 
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " 
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" 
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" 

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." 
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, 
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" 
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, 
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" 
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Hotel Lobby

A man, his wife, and his son from waaaay out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have. One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle.

 

Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, vougly dressed, sachays out, walking by the man and his son who’s eyes and dropped jaws follow her by.

The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Boooyyy", says the man to his son... "Go get your mother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." 
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." 

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

 

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree.

 

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two college seniors had a week...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. 
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. 

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. 
As each sat down, they read the first question. 
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." 

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. 
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two kids were having the standard argument ...

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: When a waitress brought a ...

When a waitress brought a man the soup du jour, the patron was dismayed and asked, "What's this?"

 

"It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what's it's been," he roared. "What is it now?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A student burst into his professor’s office...

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." 

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

[worldangel]

Joke: The caterer was consulting with...

The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband. 

"Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked. 

"Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 72."