Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Now What?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. 

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". 

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

 

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts.

 

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Talking during sex

A young married woman (Blonde) was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend.

 

The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?"

She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A newsboy was standing on the ...

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled!

 

Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”

 

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: $20 Hooker

This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.

He says, "How much?"

She says, "Twenty bucks."

He says, "All right."

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker.

 

They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.

 

When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says, "What the extra five?"

He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Better sex

Who enjoys sex more, males or females?

Females do.

Look at it this way: Think about when your ear itches and you scratch it with your finger. When you pull your finger out, what feels better, your finger or your ear?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why parents go grey...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman and her grandson were ...

A woman and her grandson were sitting in the pew in front of me in church. 

During the service the minister moved to the lectern to read the biblical text. As he opened the large Bible, a small boy's voice rang out. 

“Oh, Granny!” he exclaimed. “He isn't going to read the whole thing, is he?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: A FARMER and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare.

 

The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth.

 

After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks in a bank, pulls o...

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...

Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him!

He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man tutored his s...

A young man tutored his sweetheart maths, he thought of it as his mission, he kissed her once then once again and said "There, that's addition!"

She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action, she kissed once and once again, smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication, they  kissed each other once, then twice, and said "that must be multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young lady's father had this 'lesson' in his vision, he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said "Then that is long division!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach ...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double."

 

The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Old Josh was sat in his garden...

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy goes to the psychiatrist...

A guy goes to the psychiatrist. 

"Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities!"

"Do you think I need help?"

"Can you help me?"

"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. 

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.

The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the standards.

 

 He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes, when all of sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says, “That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

 

The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

 

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clean floor...

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors.

"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."

"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Josh was sat in his garden...

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

 

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh

[worldangel]

 Joke: Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two car salesmen were sitting...

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f**king ass!"

Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f**king car!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The guy says, before we go any...

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well that's ok, now I have something to tell you.

 

This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.

[worldangel]

Joke: Still single...

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Carrot, Tomato, and ...

There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."

The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".

Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whatever you give a woman, she will ...

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.

 

If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

 

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

 

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 

So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.

[worldangel]

Joke: A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A week after their marriage, the ...

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Ed. "My thingy's turnin blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

 

The doctor took a look. Sure enough, Ed's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turned to Wanda and asked, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: On their way to the seashore, ……

On their way to the seashore, a trainer and his talking dog were speeding along in a new sports car. A police car started after them.

"Pull over to the side," said the dog. "And when he gets here, let me do all the talking."

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer pulls over this guy ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sailor And The Pirate

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

[worldangel]

Joke: Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. 

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" 

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[worldangel]

Joke: Finally, the good-natured boss...

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck Dance...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"


 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man took his old duck to the ….

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. 
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. 

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." 

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. 
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. 
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. 

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. 
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

[worldangel]

Joke: Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. 

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" 

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[worldangel]

Joke: Questions for Mommy...

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady noticed her husband standing

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" asks the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Shhhhh....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit ….

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

 

Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke:  Employee Want Ad Translations

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Yesterday I went to the doctor...

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[worldangel]

Joke: The mother and father had just ……

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

[worldangel]

 Joke: We don't stop at Victoria....

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What happened?

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. 

"Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. 

"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." 

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. 
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"