Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Your honour, I am 75 years old

Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

 

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" 

That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the F**king Son of a B**ch!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Wisdom...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I was barely sitting down when ……

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hearanother question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just bepolite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busyright now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stallwho keeps answering all my questions.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when...

Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when she suggested they take a cruise.

 

"We could go for a week & make wild love like when we were young." He eagerly agreed, went to the pharmacy & bought a bottle of seasick pills & a tube of lubricant.

 

Joan: "The kids are on their own, why not go for a month?" Bob went back & bought 4 bottles of seasick pills & 4 tubes of lubricant.

 

Joan said, "It's our 50th! Let's cruise around the world!" Bob went back & bought bags of seasick pills & lubricant.

 

Pharmacist finally asked, "If it makes you that sick, why do you do it?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A very young couple exhibiting

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel. 

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" 

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bed wetting problem

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.

The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Spendthrifts

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. 

The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”

"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.”

Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man gets pulled over by the ...

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

 

The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?"

 

The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!"

 

The cop says, “Really! Why is that?

 

The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 
'Fred,' he replies. 
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 
'Just Fred,' the man responds. 

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. 
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. 
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. 

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. 

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' 
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, has anyone ever told you....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

[worldangel]

Joke: In Too Deep

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer and his wife had just...

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman said to her doctor ...

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,' Ow, that hurts.'

 

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'

 

Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'

 

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'

 

'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bee in band class...

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.

 

The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer.

 

He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer defending a man accused ……

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:  "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." 

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." 

The defendant smiled. 

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer responded to a report ……

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. 
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." 

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini." 
The giant nodded. 
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" 

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. 
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled. 
"Are you sure?" the officer asked. 

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." 
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sam has been in business for 25 years ...

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5... 
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n 'likely gonna be some fightin' too." 

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us". 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Liz goes to her first show at ….

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

 

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[worldangel]

Joke: A cowboy, who just moved to ...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the religious group and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: On New Year's Eve, Ann stood ….

On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Of Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you spell that?

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

[worldangel]

Joke: During a recent password audit

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.

The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

 

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

 

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

 

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Raffle prizes...

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog walks into a bank. He goes ...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"
 

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys In A Bar...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
 

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem With Women

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Jemima was taking an afternoon nap …..

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities.

 

After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Use these words in a sentence....

Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient: Doctor, I have a little …

Patient: Doctor, I have a little man in my head, and he's cursing all the time!

Doctor: Well, this problem is really easy to fix! It will cost you $1000.

Patient: Doctor, do you know what the little guy just said?

[worldangel]

Joke: Head hog....

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking ...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is This Place?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. 

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: 
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." 

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A child's honesty...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[worldangel]

Joke: The biology teacher ...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'

And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife went to the police station...

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6-foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." 

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's cheap!

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One Monday morning a postman is walking ...
 

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. 

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments. 

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got  so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'" 

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" 
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." 

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[worldangel]

Joke: A neighbor is talking to his friend ….

A neighbor is talking to his friend who is cutting his grass in a three-piece suit, white shirt, tie and dress shoes. 

"Why are you dress like this cutting your grass?" the neighbor asked. 

His friend replies, "It's a trade-off. The boss gives us 'Casual Friday' if we dress up on the weekend."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"