Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see an urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." 
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." 

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. 
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." 

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was driving when a policeman

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

 He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
 The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

 The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Milk the cow...

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn't our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Picture menu....

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
 

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap Mistress

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!”

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked 

"What are you sellin' here?" 
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three sons left home, went out...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" 
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man was sitting on a bench ...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

 

The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

 

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[worldangel]

Joke: Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  

 

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It's open!”

 

To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work. The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes, when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him out.

 

The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says, “That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. 

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

[worldangel]

Joke: Raising the mast

At the yacth club, a guy leered at a girl. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." 
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was walking down the beach...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: In Bed With Two Women

Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly, “I had a dream I was on vacation. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." 

“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.” 

His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?" 

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.” 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Are the Blinds Drawn?

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" 

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Garbage In the Ditch

The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. 

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?" 

“Yep," the guy replied. “That’s why I'm dumping it here, it says ‘fine for dumping garbage.'" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lower My Sex Drive

A 97 year old man visits his doctor and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” 

“Sir," replied the doctor, “you are 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” 

“You are darned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Bet You 50 He Will

A dumb college girl went into a bar. She sat down next to this guy and started watching the news. On the news there was a man getting ready to jump off a bridge. The girl said, “I don’t think that he is going to jump." 

"No, I am pretty sure he will,” said the guy. 

The girl lays down a $50dollar bill and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he won’t." 

The man lays down a 50 too and says, “I bet you $50 dollars he will." They kept watching and sure enough the man jumped. The girl then pushes the 50 towards him. The guy laughs and says, "I can’t take that. I saw this an hour ago." 

She says, “No you take it. I saw it an hour ago too. But I never dreamed he would jump again!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Breast Is Hanging Out

A young dumb woman is walking down the street with her blouse unbuttoned and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" 

She says, "Why, officer?" 

"Because your breast is hanging out." 

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My First One

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Wow, must be a big occasion?" 

The guy says, "Ya, my first blowjob." 

The bartender says, "How about I give you an eighth shot on the house." 

The guy says, "If 7 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Would Want Silicone

The science teacher stands in the front of the class and says, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?” 

Little Peter raises his hand and says, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porch.” 

The teacher nods, and then calls on little Sally, who says, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Maserati.” 

The teacher smiles, and then calls on Little Johnny. Johnny stands up and says, “I would want silicone.” 

“Silicone? Why silicone?” 

“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have Cheated

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 ("knowing my own hidden secrets") and Psalms 52:3-4 ("lies and deceit"), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: 

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00." 

The letter ended with, "If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man has six children and is …..

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was lying in bed with his ...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do. 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" 
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Shredder

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it." 

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. 
"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy."  
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was this guy at a bar, just ……….

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man asks his wife ………

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

 

His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"

 

The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. 

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. 

The husband says: "We've got to give it back". 
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. 
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. 
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 

She says: "No".. 
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him. 
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."      
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were digging a ditch on …..

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, 'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?' 
'I don't know,' responded the other. 'I'll ask him.' So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. 'Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?'
'Intelligence,' the boss said. 

'What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?' 
The boss said, 'Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.' 
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. 

The boss said, 'That's intelligence!' 
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, 'What did he say?' 
'He said we are down here because of intelligence.' 

'What's intelligence?' said the friend. 
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, 'Take your shovel and hit my hand.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Preposition

A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. During his first week on campus, when he's still learning to get around the place, he's trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking man walking by. Figuring that the man is a professor, or otherwise associated with the school, he decides to ask him for directions.

"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"

The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A redneck wanted to learn how

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Burglar

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. 

"You'll get your chance in court" says the desk sergeant. 

"No, no, no!" Says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I've been trying to do that for years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nut Case

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer when suddenly he hears a soft voice: "Hey, that's a nice tie."

The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer when again he hears the soft voice: "Man, you are looking good, have you lost weight?"

The guy looks around, confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the voice says: "I simply love your jacket."

The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.

"Voices, sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.

"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice: "Man, are you smart or what?"

"Oh, that," says the bartender: "it's the nuts. They're complimentary."

[worldangel]

Joke: Raining

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They're waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two antarticans were walking ...

Two antarticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. 

The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks." 

They were still arguing about it when a train hit them. 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Favour

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

[worldangel]

Joke: Excited Father

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Artists' Canvas

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Uh, Scissors?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blarney stone...

A group of tourists was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."