Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Name plates

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.

A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.

Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. "See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing 3 knots!

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lumberyard

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. 

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." 
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" 

Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman was waiting in the check-out ...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. 

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" 

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny's dad asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed: "At age 6, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age 7, I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then, at age 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Help doc....

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dentist

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. 

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' 
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' 

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man lived alone in ...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The ticket inspector

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train.

 

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

"No," I admitted.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway. She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who was it?

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Insurance Company

Susan called her insurance company one day after her barn burned down and said: "We had our barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."

The agent replied: "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied: "If that's the case, then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a blonde. She had never...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse.

 

The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

 

She was at the mercy of the horse’s feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of Wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off

[worldangel]

 Joke: A student comes to a young professor’s office ...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."

 

His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 
Don't mess with Old People. 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Captain called the Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Little Quarrel

A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.

"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.

The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A psychiatrist was conducting ...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A widower who never paid any attention ...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

 

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband."

 

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

[worldangel]

Joke: Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" 

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." 
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" 

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." 
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" 

It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Horse race

George said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.',

'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred.

'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lemons Anyone?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fighting for Virginity

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"

The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" 

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." 

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[worldangel]

 Joke: No fish under ice

This happened to Linda Strauss when she decided to go ice fishing. She did a lot of research on the subject, and finally, after getting all the essential equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice." Startled, Linda Strauss moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice." Linda Strauss , now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, "There are no fish under the ice." Linda Strauss, stopped, looked upwards and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man is in bed with his wife ...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[worldangel]

 Joke: How To Save Money!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blondes on a plane

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Coma

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. 

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. 
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" 
"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week.

 

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Broomtown

All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man phones home from his office ...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." 
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dirty Paddy

A wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.

Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week.

 

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon.

 

While checking in the lady behind the desk asks: 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

[worldangel]

 Joke: 50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" 
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." 

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" 

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." 

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cannibals capture three men. ...

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

 

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

 

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork.

 

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. 

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. 

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. 
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." 

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" 
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two penguins...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple were asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy was with a hooker for...

This guy was with a hooker for the first time. She took him into her room and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have any suggestions?"

She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe 69?"

He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."

As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart. "Ooohh! Excuse me," she said with a giggle. They proceeded and a few minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly. "Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"

He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67 more!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. 
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. 

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" 
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. 
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. 

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." 
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[worldangel]

Joke: City boy

Justin, a city kid went on his first camping trip with the scouts. He was eating his lunch under the shade of a tree when an old man came along.

'It smells like rain,' the old man said to the boy.

Justin replied, 'I was told it was lemonade.'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."