Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two words....

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, Sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy fell asleep on the beach

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

 

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

 

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

 

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hand Job

 

A new outlet in town just opened. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND ** JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand**j*bs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f***king good because I want a cheeseburger."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Screw for the Rake?

A woman walks in to a hardware store with the head of a rake that's been broken off. 

She walks up to the counter. The store clerk looks at her, looks at the rake head, then says, "Do you want a screw for that rake?" 

She looks at him, looks at a fancy toaster on the shelf behind him, and then replies, "No, but I’ll blow you for that toaster."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Over the Barbed Wire 

World War 2 prison camp. A male prisoner talking to female prisoner. 

Male: "How long have you been here?" 

Female: "Four years, and I miss having a man." 

Male: "Wow I have been here 3 years without a woman. How about we somehow get together?" 

Female: "I'd love to, but how do you get over this wire fence?" 

Male: "I will trampoline over it!" 

He does as he says and lands on his feet the other side. She is all excited but he is not at all happy. 

Male: "I cant do it." 

Female: "Why not?!?!" 

Male: "Well, lady, that ain't my wash hanging on that wire there!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Made My Throat Fuzzy

While waiting in line to pay for my groceries, a young woman behind me loudly stated, "I only had it once and that was on our honeymoon! Never again, it made my throat fizzy and felt real funny in my belly." 

After a long pause she added, "No more sparkling wine for me, it's just whiskey from now on!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Class of '94

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. 

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?" 

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly. 

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Nice to meet you, Class of '58!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Broke the Case

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. 

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" 

His father responded, "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Still In There?

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday school class. Suddenly one of the children asked the teacher, "Where does God live?" 

The teacher replies, "That's a good question. Does anyone know the answer?" 

Just then Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts out, "I do! I know where God lives!" 

The Sunday school teacher then asks, "OK Johnny, where do you think God lives?" 

"In the bathroom at my house." 

The Sunday school teacher is confused. So he asks Johnny, "And how do you know that?" 

Little Johnny replies, "Because every morning my daddy pounds on the bathroom door and says, 'GOODNESS ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: May I See Your Ticket

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything Else I Can Get You?

A redneck goes into a bar and orders a drink from the waitress. A little while later, she comes back. “Anything else I can get you, handsome?” 

"Well, ma’am, I sure could use a nice piece of ass.” 

The waitress’s eyebrows go up, she nods, and she leads him into the back room where she makes mad love to him. When they’re finished, they get dressed and return to their places. “Now, honey, is there anything else I can get for you?" she asks, smiling. 

“Thank you kindly, ma’am, but I could still use that piece of ass. Mah drink is gettin’ mighty warm.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm A Lightbulb Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad."  He starts up the rafter, lays upside down, and shouts, "I'm a lightbulb! i'm a lightbulb!" Murphy watches in amazement.  The foreman shouts, "Paddy, you're mad, go home!"  Paddy grabs this things and he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.  Murphy replies, "Well, shit, I can't work in the friggin' dark!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That's A Bit Much

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained. 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap and nasty." 

The clerk handed him a mirror.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rectum Stretcher 

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?" 

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work." 

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop. 

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet." 

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired. 

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Married Women vs. Single Women

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? 

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is She Giving You A Hard Time?

A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!” 

The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?” 

“I said,” the woman began, “I want to open a fucking savings account!” 

“You are very rude,” says the teller. “There is no need to use that kind of language." 

With that, the teller goes and gets the bank manager. The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?” 

“Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!” 

The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Insurance Coverage

The gynaecologist examining Mrs. Reed looks up. “I’m sorry, but removing that vibrator will involve a very lengthy and delicate procedure. We’ll have to admit you to the hospital.” 

“I’m sot sure my husband’s insurance will cover it,” Mrs. Reed says. “Why don’t you just replace the batteries and I'll go home?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Can I Have Your Chili?

A young cowboy walks into a seedy café in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead. Have at it." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy slides the bowl over and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking he immediately loses his meal. 

The old cowboy tightens his lips and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Decency and Morals

A key part of a candidate’s reform program was the elimination of X-rated video stores springing up downtown. As she stood campaigning before the crowd, her face grew red with anger at the very thought of this threat to public decency and morals. 

“I actually rented one of these filthy tapes,” she declared bravely, “and was disgusted to witness horrible acts of perversion: oral sex, one man engaging in the sex act with three women, a woman accommodating four men, and even sodomy! Vote for me, ladies and gentlemen, and I guarantee this blight on our community will be eliminated!” Catching her breath, she asked, “Any questions?” 

Twenty hands shot up. “Where’d you get the tape?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Red Hair Baby

The gynaecologist is surprised to see one of his patient’s husbands in his waiting room. “What can I do for you Mr. Doyle?” the doctor asks. 

“I’m worried because our new baby has red hair.” 

“Why is that such a concern?” 

“I have black hair, my wife has black hair and all four of our parents have black hair.” 

“How often do you have sex?” asks the doctor. 

“Oh, I guess about twice a year,” Doyle says, sheepishly. 

“That explains it,” says the doctor. “The red hair is from rust.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flipping a coin

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again.

The teacher says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "Checking my answers."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A police officer pulls over this ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lion tamers

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[worldangel]

 Joke: On the first day of college, the ...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Before going to Europe on business...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. 

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. 

"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. 

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. 

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. 

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. 

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. 

"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" 

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde walks into an empty bar...

A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year's Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.

"Well," starts the bartender, "the rates are pretty high on New Year's. You'll have to leave me a couple of bucks."

"Oh, darn!" she replies, "I don't have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family." The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.

"Why don't you just come back here behind the bar... I'm sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them."

Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his penis. "Okay, honey," he says as he gestures towards his growing organ, "just put your mouth up to this!"

Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she's told.

She brings her mouth up to his crotch and quizzically goes "Hello, Mom?

[worldangel]

 Joke: 5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

[worldangel]

 Joke: Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy was on the side of the...

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One morning a blind bunny was

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!' 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Someone Really Stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

[worldangel]

 Joke: We Need To Help These People

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

 

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This woman is about to board a bus ...

This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.

Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!"

He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper three times."

[worldangel]

Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[worldangel]

Joke: A property manager of single-family ...

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

 

"Professionally employed?" he asked. 

"We're a military family," the wife answered. 

"Children?" 

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. 

"Animals?" 

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Arm rash

A man goes to a doctor for a rash on his arm. "What do you do for a living?" the doctor asks him.

"I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants," the guy says.

"Quit doing that and the rash will clear up," the doctor says.

The guy replies, horrified, "What? And get out of show business?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men went bear hunting. While one ...

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

 

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: His pediatrician asked six-year...

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Twenty dollars for Math test

Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Your father is drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black

And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.

Sooooooo....

You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye,

Daddy's home and I think he's....

Daddy's home and boy is he.......

Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Son of a lawyer...

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[worldangel]

Joke: It's late, the bartender and a guy ...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar.

 

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?"

 

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender says, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spit from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200"

 

The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming.

 

The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it true, Dad? ...

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Worry job

A young accountant, straight out of university, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It doesn't hurt to take a hard...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started: 

During a visit to the mental health institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Art Supply

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A grizzled old man was eating ...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

 

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."