I Feel so Lonely; am I the only gay person who feels Lonely / Sad / Miserable / Less Attractive? (Compiled)

[bearhunt]

Lately, it seems that the more I make up my mind to live a Life that makes sense to me, the more I must isolate myself from certain shared activities. And these decisions sometimes hurt and I ask myself am I being selfish? I sometimes feel obligated participating in what is ment to be leisure, and I find myself getting increasingly angry and resentful. What's going on here?

I enjoy it when I make time for some solitary recreation, yet I fear being seen as unobliging or even stuck-up when I place my own needs foremost. Why?

I admit that I used to enjoy being needed - but lately I am finding it a pain, and I even rationalize away calls for help. Am I so uncharitable?

Perhaps it is the innate call to start focusing on what I want to have and experience in my own Life - I'm afterall turning 30 soon. Is this is simply the inexorable pull of Life calling? I do not know...

All I know is lately I keep asking myself when am I going to stop talking about doing it and start doing it?

Or maybe I am just overloaded and need more than ever to get away from it all...

[reflection]

Dear Bearhunt,

Correct me if I am wrong. When you say shared acticities, are you referring to you and your bf?

If yes, then I would say that you probably feel jaded in two men's world and I believe it has something to do with your own need which are stronger now and threatening your shared life.

If your new found meaning in a solitude life has nothing to do with third party lover, I think such needs must be communicated to your bf to make him understand. Bluntly speaking, you have begun to focus more on self-needs which will rob some or more time from your bf. It depends on how your bf act or react to your request.

This dilemma usually happens if both you and your bf has been sticky all these years and suddenly you feel the need to outgrow yourself.

This is a very sensitive area to be managed delicately; otherwise things will fall apart as you seek more time for your self-actualization.

Hope I am making sense.

Reflection -

There is a way to settle self-needs and shared life

[bearhunt]

Hi Reflection

Thanks for your reply. Hmm I'm not attached Been single for a while now. Well, maybe a relationship is what I need to balance myself because settling down and setting up home is one of my goals as well.

But I know such things cannot be forced or hurried and all things will come in due time. Perhaps I am feeling this way as preparation for my future "married" life?

[Guest leaf]

my bf and I are not sticky. we dont meet up every weekend and we dont demand that we must go out every weekend. i think u guys need to have something else to do, socialise w frens so that both of you wont be so sticky all the time. it can be tiring if i need to accompany my bf everytime and for everything. i was like that when i was in sec sch.

[sam1233]

Correct me if i'm wrong, Leaf, you must be a lucky guy, your bf is very understanding.

I have being chatting with friends on this topic for a while and their responds is be it in a straight or PLU relationship, once you enter into a relationship you can expect the other party to demand more.

There might only be 1 in a 1000 that don't mind their partner meeting up with friends or doing their own thing alone. They demand/expect you to be there every moment or second... Or am i wrong?

Or am i expecting/ demanding too much when i'm looking for a partner that don't expect me to be there every weekend. Yes we can meet up during the week for a meal or dinner and over the weekend for a show or a game but not every day or every weekend. He's allow to have his own friends, can meet up with them anything and all i ask that he is faithful and love me.

Is that too much to ask for? I think i can do that so there must me someone out there that can do that as well.

[Guest Guest_guest]

Hi bearhunt I don't know your age the way I see it you are experiencing mid-life crisis.You need to take control of your life and don't indulge in self-pity emotion.

[Exfoliator]

Hi all,

I am only in my mid 20s, i am somehow experience something like that alrdy.

Lost interest in many things, work for the sake of income. Bcoz of part time study, weekend mostly is revision. Not much friends... Feeling is horrible when i think of no one is beside me... One of my friend mention to me, i am easily in self pitying emotion. hope things changes in the later part of my life.

[thunderer]

Hi all,

I am only in my mid 20s, i am somehow experience something like that alrdy.

Lost interest in many things, work for the sake of income. Bcoz of part time study, weekend mostly is revision. Not much friends... Feeling is horrible when i think of no one is beside me... One of my friend mention to me, i am easily in self pitying emotion. hope things changes in the later part of my life.

Well, u r nt the only person feeling such ways so do cheer up...

[SunDevil]

BH, sounds like you're in a funk right now.

Fret not, it's just a phase that you're going through...one that you'll snap out of pretty soon.

It's probably triggered off by the sheer realization that age is catching up on you. As the big three 0 is looming, you've probably been asking yourself questions about self-actualization...and beginning to feel that you have more things to achieve than time to do it. I wouldn't dwell too deep into it, if I were you. Just be yourself...the more you ask, the more questions you'll have and before you know it, you're overwhelmed by all those question marks in your mind. Take it easy, dude! In time to come, you'll suss them out.

And you're definitely not alone in this...I think most of us, at one time or another, has gone through what you're going through. Some like to call it midlife crisis, but I like the phrase, "another journey of self-discovery" much better.

[sotongball]

Dear BH,

You can choose not to live a life to please others,

[TopChinese]

How can one be ashamed of wanting to be alone?

Stop caving into external pressures and make that space to find yourself.

So many of us pretend to be someone else because people expect that of us.

We face all this people at work. At home. In the bedroom even. Have to put on a fake face. Just look at all the hypocrite handbag queens outside Tabs last Sat who refused to sign the Repeal377a petition.

Don't just think about your life. Go ahead and live it. See where it takes you..

[Guest Still Hiding]

Yes, I agreed with what TC said. There is no shame to want to be alone.

Everyone is wearing a different mask everyday. Sometime, it is good to be alone. Thus, without having to wear a mask & face the world.

For me, asking yourself lots of questions, doubting yourself is a way to know yourself better. What are your needs & wants? What can you offer to the world to make it better? It may sound stressful initially. However, once having those questions answered. There will be a sense of relieve & peace.

So, happy on embarking the "Self-Realisation" journey.

May you find peace, comfort & your true self.

[bearhunt]

Hello all..

I'm amused by me having a "mid-life crisis". Gosh has the pace of living accelerated so much? haha

Thanks for all the insight and advice. Your replies and ideas are both comforting and inspiring and very much appreciated.

I'm looking forward to the end of the year - I'll probably take a week off work or something and do everything that sotongball has listed out.

Hahhahahah

[IkuTube]

You are, probably, going through a 'Journey Home'. Simply, it is about going back to the garden of consciousness to understand the mystery of life. In this process, you are awakened to the realization that you are not only loved, but you are Love itself.

The journey home, often, is a longing subconscious state from the solitude act of 'When Alone'. Just as in "in the midst of winter, I found within me an invincible summer".

It is a natural feeling "it seems that the more I make up my mind to live a Life that makes sense to me, the more I must isolate myself". Generally, it is because we often have lived in our head inventing stories wanting to be who we think, and perceive, we are. We wear ourselves in a chaotic profusion of anxiety, worry, doubt and fear. We stage ourselves to become with the thought and perception of others and losing our highest identity at the same time. Eventually, we found our face turned to the wall and denying the vastness in what Life is to offer.

When you "enjoy it when I make time for some solitary recreation", it's because you are allowing yourself to embrace in the silence of the mind. In silence, all the despair, the loneliness, will gather the momentum towards the search for the truth. The truth to love for just being yourself.

In the journey home, we "finding it a pain" because we, consciously, are going to leave what we used to be, to have, to enjoy. Your past conditioning has made it a little uneasy "to start focusing on what I want to have and experience in my own Life".

The simplest way is to let go all of the cumulative intellect and leaving your mind going back to your child dream. A child is an ingenue to consciousness. If you want to set yourself free, you need to throw the rest of your adult assumptions and keep only what's the best. Doing so, you "start focusing on what I want to have and experience in my own Life'.

When you "stop talking .. and start doing it", you embrace with the silence of the mind. Silence is often said to be the most profound connection of all. In silence, we start to listen to our mind and heart, and importantly, it is the reunion to our real Self.

To sum up "Or maybe I am just overloaded and need more than ever to get away from it all", here is a little excerpt from 'Remember the Gift' by Fawn Moran:

Remembrance of the One True Self is the beginning and end of peace.

The Soul of Healing Begins with You

There are times when you think there is no answer; that help is not available; that freedom from suffering is just not forthcoming - at least not for you.

They say healing is an inside job; indeed self-healing is a matter of connecting the dots and reworking your understanding of who you really are. It

[ExVersNowBtm]

You know, when I read this I thought u were writing about me! haha For awhile, I was behaving exactly like what BH mentioned - "I just want to be alone, goddammit!!"

But I soon learned that moderation is key. Because right now, I can see BH's intuition tilted to one extreme - that of being alone. But trust me BH, if you are not careful, because of this imbalance, you'll soon start to crave for company once more, and because your focus is tilted to the "I want to be alone" side, the "crave for company" aspect will want to overcompensate itself.

I guess its one of those things I contemplated and stumbled upon. It did help that I found my Buddhist beliefs again. And reading about it helped calmed me down and seek that middle path.

[GachiMuchi]

If you feel like you want to be alone, then be alone.

If you feel like you want company, then go out and get some company.

Do what you want. Life is short.

[Buaya]

Mid-life crisis... *sigh*...

Yes, BH, nowadays, everything is accelerated... I am now experiencing my 3rd mid-life crisis liao... And I am not even in my mid-30s!

My first was in my early 20s, second was when I am 30 and now my 3rd... Last time, people hit mid-life crisis only when they are in their 40s-50s!...

But my psychologists would like to think that I am/was experiencing mild depression really... I am/was confused, angry... I wanna be alone, dun wanna socialise, dun wanna meet friends, even though I last time would love to meet them... I have nothing to say, no comments about everything etc... I hide in my room most of the time when I am at home...

But when I am alone, I yearned for company... particularly of the one I love... Sometimes, even complaining that I was not on his mind and he has no time for me etc... But when we eventually go out, I get lonely again and sometimes wonder why I bother to go out with him, get angry with him and dun wanna speak to him...

I dunno if my experiences are the same as yours... But I think finding some stuff (that you like to do, and not just empty, meaningless sex) to occupy your mind is a good start...

[Guest Sian]

It's good that you're realizing changes inside you. Do not hide it, find a professional to help you. This may help http://www.imh.com.sg/patient_education/depression.htm They have specialists to test if you're experiencing a depression or anything else. Even for mid-life crisis, they can help you to cope.

PS: Seeing your massage postings, you seem to be receive good therapetic treatments from the messuers.

[Buaya]

Sian, you referring to me? Those are my long over dued reports...

Anyway, was just sharing my experiences with BH... I was seeing a psychologist and am thinking of goibng back to see her soon...

[Guest Still Hiding]

It seems to me IkuTube & ExVersNowBtm are on the way towards enlightenment. Good for both of you.

Those looking for answers just need to be more patient. Answers do not come that easily. Take every experience as an exploration. You will finally see the truth.

Relax a bit, let go a bit more, and you will find it.

[Guest Excused]

I meet my boyfirend only for sex and then excused myself that i've something else to do. This way, i wasted no time.

[like wind]

I'm alone myself here from my hometown. I do have homesick feeling and lonely sometime. So, I always work till I don't have time to feel lonely, which is a sad thing...

However, I never regret as I learn to be more independent now. I also learn a lot of knowledge and things from working, studying and mixing with poeple here for these years.

When I feel need some company, I will try to look for my friends and go out with them for a drink or etc. Not to stay at home alone as this will worsen the feeling of loneliness. Besides that, I also online to chat with firends or read on BW . That is why I like to mix with people and make friends.

We, people, can't live alone for life. In life, people and every life being on the planet is depend on each other to live on. No one is to be alone. So, open yourself inner and then yourself to others and look around. There is always someone there for you. They maybe are your family, friends, love one or even stranger.

So, try to feel like a wind sometime, feel its freedom, strength and flexible to overcome things.

Feel like wind, roaming free.

[Guest -Loner-]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

Anyone who has came to this stage can advise how to cope with such anxiety?...or is there really no escape to face such reality in life. How I wish I was never born to walk this journey all by myself and it is not my choice to choose this path since I was borned a gay

Now, I try to talk to god in quiet moment and hope he can look after me when all things are dark.

[koolkai]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

Anyone who has came to this stage can advise how to cope with such anxiety?...or is there really no escape to face such reality in life. How I wish I was never born to walk this journey all by myself and it is not my choice to choose this path since I was borned a gay

Now, I try to talk to god in quiet moment and hope he can look after me when all things are dark.

I do empathise with you. Being gay is not easy and many gay people are lonely at hearts. Maybe you can establish a circle of gay friends whom you can keep in contact with and giving one another some form of moral support. Please take care!

[Guest guest]

I do empathise with you. Being gay is not easy and many gay people are lonely at hearts. Maybe you can establish a circle of gay friends whom you can keep in contact with and giving one another some form of moral support. Please take care!

so the gov is right. afraid u might be lonely so encourage u to work till 85 or work till u die.than u wont be imagining many unnessary things.

[maturemedium]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

You don't have to take this journey alone. Widen your circle of friends, gay or straight. Make sure that friend is not just for sexual. I know sincere friends is hard to come by. But they'll come along eventually. Don't lock yourself up. Go out. Make friends

Edited August 19, 2008 by maturemedium

[doncoin]

I think it is important to invest time with friends and people whom you care about while you are young so that you will have these people with you as you get older. Also keep making new friends, get involve in local charity events, volunteer, it helps to ease loneliness and makes you a part of something.

Also make sure you get a good lawyer or someone you trust and respect to be the executor of your estate after you are gone.

[Guest Rockexcel]

Dear Loner,

You Are Not Alone! Everyone here in this forum has gone or is going through the same struggle as you.

Well, at least you have many choices - get over it or live with your wandering mind.

You can get advices everywhere, but the final decision is always your own choice, happy or miserable, it's up to you!

[Guest calm]

Hi Loner,

you are doing alright so far and it is the future that you are worried about? Taking the cue from insurance plans, we have also numerous ways to suit your needs:

1) plenty of pastime activities, for examples, martial arts class, cooking class, playing the exoctic or traditional musical instrument class, dance class, pottery class etc, sure to occupy any free time left after work.

2) plenty of venues to satisfy your "basic" needs, for examples, Internet Personals hookup, some of the "cruisy" spots recommended in this forum, suana, gay tours, etc.

But firstly, you must have the sound mind! i suggest you go more often to the field, to get enough sunshine and fresh air. ...and PLEASE EXERCISE, get enough oxygen to your brain to purge out all negative thoughts! And if you don't succeed, take up another plan and don't worry you have not enough money, because if there is a will, the money will come. GOOD LUCK!

[homelyman]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

Anyone who has came to this stage can advise how to cope with such anxiety?...or is there really no escape to face such reality in life. How I wish I was never born to walk this journey all by myself and it is not my choice to choose this path since I was borned a gay

Now, I try to talk to god in quiet moment and hope he can look after me when all things are dark.

Does it make any difference if you have sibling/s? Your sibling/s will get married (assume they are not gay) and they will have their own families. You will get to meet them only once a year.

To me, your problem is you are over-dependance on your parent and you need someone to look after you. Not sure how old you are, you can rent a place to stay and learn how to be independance.

[jazz]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone... ... ... ... ...

It could be worse if you are old, being alone, with no money and have lots of health issues!

I not not trying to scare you.... but there are 4 issues to deal with and not 1.

1. Growing Old

We cannot control this natural process. So why not age gracefully.

2. Being Alone

Invest time on friends (and they don't have to be in the same circle).

3. Having No Money

While it is not the most important thing in life, you simply cannot live without it.

Start saving and invest early in your life, you would really want to build up your retirement nest.

Remember to be covered adequately, in terms of insurance. The basic insurance for PLUs (in order of pirority) would be medical, accident then comes your life insurance (which covers TPD and Critical Illnesses). The least you should have is Medical and Accident Plans.

4. Having lots of Health Issues

Start taking care of your body and your mind.

Eat right. Don't smoke. Don't drink (however, a little wouldn't hurt).

Sleep well.

Exercise. Work out. Do the minimum for a start.

Take up hobbies. This would widen your circle of friends. This would also keep your wondering mind occupied.

[Guest Guest]

u sld retire from gay life and start fuking pussies...maybe u feel more happy w ur kids around..maybe u realised u r not gay afterall...

[Guest WakeUp]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

Anyone who has came to this stage can advise how to cope with such anxiety?...or is there really no escape to face such reality in life. How I wish I was never born to walk this journey all by myself and it is not my choice to choose this path since I was borned a gay

Now, I try to talk to god in quiet moment and hope he can look after me when all things are dark.

Better stop self-pitying and do something! The problem is not being gay and the only child because there are many straight men who are married also facing the same problem in their golden years.

Seek something meaningful to occupy your life .........

[Baloo]

Being gay and the only child. I am afraid to grow old. I am worried that when all your love ones are gone, you will be left alone in this planet to fend for yourselves and die alone.

Anyone who has came to this stage can advise how to cope with such anxiety?...or is there really no escape to face such reality in life. How I wish I was never born to walk this journey all by myself and it is not my choice to choose this path since I was borned a gay

Now, I try to talk to god in quiet moment and hope he can look after me when all things are dark.

my first question: how old are you? ok round up to the nearest 10.

my reaction to your first para. hallo... not being gay, and have 10 bros and sisters, still can end up having them ALL DIE before you do. And left alone in this planet to fend for yourself and die alone.

what the flying fish??? you dunno how to make friends one ar??? are you some kind of social idiot?

Anyone who come to this stage usually commit suicide. else they start making friends and carry on with life. which side you chose to walk? is you.

you wish you are never born gay bla bla bla and walk by yourself all alone...CRAP... GOD, if you believe in this mental pillar - is always with you. if you see only one set of footprints behind you, GOD is CARRYING YOU numbnuts... your understanding of your faith is SO WEAK!!!

remember this one more thing from GOD. GOD helps those who help themselves. You waiting for someone to help you?? Good luck.

[Guest one lonely soul]

wah lao eh, dunno why also, nowadays like feel so lonely, weather so hot make the feeling worst only. i go out, see people hand in hand i so sian half siah...why i till now still do not have i also dunno. very lonely leh...no body go cinema with me watch show, eat also eat alone, walk also walk alone, i feel so very sad leh. why must be like that one?

[FattChoy88]

Judging from what you wrote, I'd say it's lack of communication skills.

How old are u?

I hope you're over the legal age.

wah lao eh, dunno why also, nowadays like feel so lonely, weather so hot make the feeling worst only. i go out, see people hand in hand i so sian half siah...why i till now still do not have i also dunno. very lonely leh...no body go cinema with me watch show, eat also eat alone, walk also walk alone, i feel so very sad leh. why must be like that one?

[Guest Windros]

Totally know how u feel....lonely is so hard to bear to conceal....and to fight...couples on the street regardless str8 or gay..jux make us feel miserable. We can only smile it over

[abang]

Please find something meaningful to do.. go for a gym workout, swimming and even, read a good book.

Adopt a positive attitude. Embrace each day with a smile. Nothing is impossible so start by asking yourself,

what you ready need? Loneliness is like self-pity. Never let that feeling overwhelm your day.. control it, conquer it.

You can, if you want.

[Guest guest]

i can be feel lonely too sometime even i have my partner with me....

[snowball]

afraid lonely is consider one of the morbid state?

i enjoy alone most time, movie, gym, travel, meal etc,

or i am weird / abnormal.

Edited May 3, 2010 by snowball

[imran]

afraid lonely is consider one of the morbid state?

i enjoy alone most time, movie, travel, meal etc,

or i am weird / abnormal.

sometimes alone is great, i do many things alone bt sometmes lonely

[ICE tank]

I used to enjoy alone also, but sometimes saw people in pair. i will feel very sad also....

[imran]

afraid lonely is consider one of the morbid state?

i enjoy alone most time, movie, gym, travel, meal etc,

or i am weird / abnormal.

sryu alone by choice or no kaki? if by choice then its nt that common. I have no kaki.. thats y.

[Guest Papermonkey]

I totally understand the feeling of being alone but then cheer up! It's still not the end of the world yet as you still have your health right? Sometimes, you still feel lonely even you are not alone...

For me since my ex left me, I went into hibernation. Let myself swallowed by my own despair and put on so much weight... The lonely I get, the more I eat... but then one day I just said to myself enough is enough... Nowadays, I do most thing alone. Shopping, eating, swimming etc. I focus all my energy on my work.

Naturally I do feel lonely and esp when you see couples... Well, I just call my friends out to tea then... and have high tea! Hahaha....

Just put your time into good use. Volunteer your time and go out to gatherings... Who knows you may meet Mr Right some who... I am not giving up... I know I am lonely but not alone... Someday somehow somewhere... I won't be lonely again.

[Guest TwoFacesSoul]

My heart & soul has got two faces..........

Sometimes i just wanna be alone, dont want anyone to disturb my peacefulness....

Sometimes i just desperately needed someone to talk to,crying for someone to company me but to no avail...

Neverthless i am still happy, i find that there are many things in daily life can make you happy!

Sometimes i feel that feeling lonely is also a part of 生活情趣！

[Firday]

like it or not...

we are bound to be feel lonely most of the time.

other who got bf around the house, also can feel lonely

other got plenty of friend, like mahjong kaki...also feel lonely.

i hate to be alone but situation alway stand my way.

Just accept it and focus on whatever you are doing..stop lamenting why am i alone..is sure gonna depresse u further.

[Guest Guest]

1) Buy 1 year sauna pass.

2) Buy 1 year casino levy.

you wont be bored.

[Guest Lonely]

I feel very lonely recently and depress. Just want to talk with somebody. and yesterday I finally cannot hold anymore and talked to my girl colleague abt my orientation through sms. I'm kind of trust her (spent working 2 years) and usually can talk anything including nonsenseness. I dont know how should I react when I see her next monday. Am I a bit impulse to talk to her yesterday?

I realised that life is too short (only recently). Wasted a lot of time doing nothing after finished work or during weekend. Now I'm beginning to take some hobbies like running & playing badminton. Thinking to set new goal-further my study & earn more money by launching my own business (still nothing came out yet). When I have a goal life gets easier.

There are times I will get back to loniless & depress. Like yesterday after swimming I will walk around hoping to met someone either for fun or just anything. But didnt met anyone. Back at home, after releasing myself, I feel that all my horniness for man is all gone and lucky that I didnt met a stranger and do something I might regret after that. loniless still there.

When I am horny my thought are thinking of man but after I release myself I feel nothing for man. To think of starting a family/realtionship with man is totally impossible. I want a normal (by society) kind of realtionship like everyone else, married & having kids. But I can see that although I really hopes for that but I cant envision myself to have such a future. but My eyes/mind just cant take away from man attrativeness.

What should I do. Now ny new goal is to focus on working & money making. make lot lot of money.

[Guest Guest]

Take up a religion. I suggest Buddhism. It is more neutral on the point about your orientation.

[snowball]

is all your mindset, else no matter what you do is useless, cos your heart is incomplete, you will feel lost & helpless esp when alone.

is good to set a Goal to make your life more fruitful.

you bi or pure Gay? if you are Bi, maybe is easier for you to find a gal to settle down, to have normal kind of relationship, married etc, else you are just making yourself more painful when you can't face & accept what you are.

if you are still young, don't think too much, enjoy & do what your age should, try to understand & find the other part of you, cheers & good luck

Edited October 23, 2010 by snowball