I Feel so Lonely; am I the only gay person who feels Lonely / Sad / Miserable / Less Attractive? (Compiled)

[Steve5380]

3 hours ago, Guest Another guest said:

I am also nervous around new people. Think it's due to a few factors like low self esteem, too little exposure to socialising when growing up and it's a vicious cycle that is not easy to get out unless u are very lucky to meet a very kind friend who keeps encouraging and inviting you for outings.

 

So without a kind friend who invites you to outings you will keep in a vicious cycle of low self esteem?   

Are you already 18 years old to participate in this forum?

You are putting the carriage in front of the horses.

Fix your self esteem and nervousness around new people with clever interaction with normal people in typical social situations and possibly support groups,

and then you will have enough confidence and charm to choose your outings and organize some of your own.

 

[GachiMuchi]

Casual sex, loneliness and the desire for human contact

OPINION: Bathhouses, overworking, alcohol… LGBTI people use many tools to distract themselves from loneliness: some healthier than others

 

 

Men at a gay sauna (Photo: Chariots Spa / Facebook)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A single, gay friend who lives in another part of the country recently told me he had three Amazon Alexa dotted around his home. Three seems a little excessive. I was surprised at how he’d embraced this fairly new technology.

‘I like to be able to speak with someone when I’m home alone,’ he confided. ‘It feels less lonely.’

I was struck by this revelation. It made me think of an old song: The Things The Lonely Do, by 80s British girl group, Amazulu. Written long before technology introduced slightly scary new ways for us to combat loneliness, it’s an underrated and simple paen to how empty life can feel when one feels isolated.

Loneliness is a universal human emotion, and yet it remains taboo.

It’s something most of us don’t want to admit to experiencing. However, despite the wealth of ways in which we can now connect digitally with others, loneliness is something most of us can relate to. In the UK, there are now more people living alone than ever before. Experts believe the figure will rise.

Loneliness doesn’t just accompany physical isolation. Work can feel lonely if you don’t feel you fit in with your colleagues. A relationship can feel lonely if you feel you’re never allowed to voice your opinion.

The ‘lonely old homosexual’

Loneliness and isolation can be particularly suffocating for LGBTI communities. If you’re in a situation where you cannot be your true self, fearful of coming out, the sense of isolation can be acute. It’s why Gay Star News’ Digital Pride festival this year is exploring loneliness and isolation.

Growing up, the trope of the ‘lonely old homosexual’ was a common one. In fact, I think I remember one or both of my own parents, when I came out in the 80s, expressing the fear that I might end up lonely when older.

I can’t blame them for feeling this way. It was a different age: years before same-sex marriage was legalized or long-running same-sex couples featured on TV shows.

However, like many myths and stereotypes around gay men, it had its impact on my psyche.

Quick-fix intimacy

The cure for loneliness is company, companionship and intimacy. We are social creatures who need to find our own tribe – however big or small that tribe may be.

But knowing the cure doesn’t necessarily make it easy to locate. So instead, we sometimes go for the quick fix: The things the lonely do that are not often talked about. Or which distract us from realizing we’re actually lonely in the first place.

‘Casual sex. Lots of it,’ one man on Twitter, Leon Fleming told me when I asked recently about what people do to avoid loneliness: things they might not readily admit to doing.

‘Sometimes because I like it, but often because I’m craving physical human contact. I’ve done lots of things I’m embarrassed about to get it, but have also done the same things and not been embarrassed because it was fun and not because I was lonely.’

He was not putting casual sex down, but acknowledging that sometimes it’s a quick fix for intimacy. And as gay and bisexual men, if you’re not too fussy, finding sex is not that hard in a big city. Bathhouses, backrooms and hookup apps don’t just fulfil sexual needs.

That’s not to say everyone who goes to a sauna is lonely. In fact, some will have loving partners at home. But more may feel lonely than will easily admit.

Human touch, grooming and pampering

Bathhouses not your thing? In an age when physical contact is increasingly fraught with complications, one of my colleagues recently visited a ‘cuddle club’ for gay men in London. I’ve heard of other such initiatives around the world.

Similarly, I’m sure that the reason some people have a massage is not purely to alleviate tired muscles. We just want to feel the touch of another human. A trip to the barbers or a pedicure can offer the same benefits, even if we don’t like to admit that’s part of the pleasure of being pampered.

Anaesthetizing ourselves from loneliness

A less healthy approach is simply to anaesthetize ourselves from loneliness.

‘I engaged in loads of stuff I’d rather forget,’ said another Twitter follower. ‘Self-esteem, long work hours, low wages, language barriers and cultural differences all contribute!’

A recent study in London found that many men who engage in chemsex often report loneliness plays a part in their actions. The problem was particularly acute amongst those from other countries, further highlighting how the aforementioned language barriers can heighten feelings of isolation.

And it doesn’t have to be heavy drugs people opt for.

It’s very easy to ‘eat’ on one’s feelings, turning to snacks and sugar for comfort. It’s also well established that LGBTI people are more likely to have alcohol abuse problems or to smoke. This can be for a multitude of reasons, but loneliness is certainly somewhere in the mix.

Cigarettes and solitude

I used to be a heavy smoker. One of the reasons smoking felt so very hard to give up was that cigarettes felt like my best friend. They were always there for me, ready to take the edge of any feelings I struggled to handle. Cigarettes felt reliable and dependable.

That may make little sense to anyone who has never smoked. How can a drug be your ‘friend’?

Yet, it’s a common feeling. One of the most famous cigarette adverts of the mid-20th century in the UK was titled, ‘You’re never alone with a Strand’. It depicted a man alone on a street at night, taking comfort from the mild hit he got from his cigarette.

Too busy to stop, think and feel

There are other ways we can distract ourselves besides sex and drugs. Another man, 48, wrote to me saying he missed true intimacy in his life. He said friends and family were his ‘saving grace’, yet he remained aware of wanting more but realizing it might not be on the cards for him.

Indeed, a survey last year found that the majority of gay men in the US over 45 are single.

‘I’ve recently realized that I’ve “copped out”,’ he told me. ‘My last relationship ended five years ago, and I’ve not been able to put myself back out there.

‘The odds of meeting someone kind, good, respectful, respectable, with positive morals and values is slim enough. To meet a single gay man who fits that bill seems to be an impossibility. So I’ve copped out.

‘I’ve poured myself into my work, to the tune of an average 60-70 hour work week. That’s essentially been my way of dealing with loneliness.

‘As challenging and stressful as that life has been, it’s easier than dealing with the dynamics, possibilities, and impossibilities of a personal life.’

Owning up to the problem

When I told work colleagues about my friend and his Alexa devices, they were aghast. But in terms of coping mechanisms, if talking to a computer helps slightly alleviate the pain of loneliness, who are we to judge? It’s safer than taking a load of drugs and engaging in risky sex with a bunch of strangers.

And at least my friend was aware that he was being driven by loneliness and wanted to do something about it.

By contrast, making one’s self too busy to ever sit down and realize one is lonely… well, it’s harder to fix an issue if you’re not even aware it exists.

Follow David Hudson on Twitter: @davidhudson_uk

 

[Guest Lonely]

In the midst of covid-19 outbreaks, everyone stays in their home. Want to meetup also worried will get expose. How do you guys deal with this loneliness?

 

 

[Guest Lonely]

Every weekend work work work. I feel so sian have to wake up early for work. But after work, feel so lonely. Like dunno what to do. Watch movie too much will get sian too. Sleep too much also headache. Esp now with the virus outbreak, is even lonelier.

[mate69]

Do some reading, pick up some financial knowledge and literacy

Will serve you well in your old-age, better than whining will

[Guest lonely]

Just now, mate69 said:

Do some reading, pick up some financial knowledge and literacy

Will serve you well in your old-age, better than whining will

I read some financial book before, but really dun understand. like understand on the surface but deep down don't understand. I do pickup some other online things also. but still feel lonely. 

[pusheenpika]

Actually just lead your normal life! Stay home only if you're sick, otherwise you'll need some sunshine and fresh air! 

[passinthenight]

I saw this thread and immediately thought of 'So Lonely' by the police.

 

 Lets cheer up 'Guest Lonely' with some songs.

 

Akon anyone I'd attached some video clips but I don't have the knowhow.

[newlife82]

i feel lonely sometime too. 
Especially during weekend. Want to find someone to hang out but fail to find a suitable when browse through the phonebook list.

 

[Guest guest]

If you are well and healthy, even during this period of covid-19, just live your life as per normal. Avoid crowded places and yet do not simply stay at home whole day, go out do some exercise and go to places not so many people and walk. It is only when you fall sick during this period of covid-19 then will feel lonely and worry. Since when people know that you are sick, no one dare to come near or visit you and you will be left alone at home fighting to recover. Unless you are still living with family member, then still not so lonely.

[Kimochi]

Watch movies , find out more about your personality, disinfect whole house, house clearing . Learn a new skill 

[fab]

26 minutes ago, Kimochi said:

Watch movies , find out more about your personality, disinfect whole house, house clearing . Learn a new skill 

 

Look for kimochi.

[Guest Mary]

On 2/16/2020 at 6:49 PM, Guest Lonely said:

In the midst of covid-19 outbreaks, everyone stays in their home. Want to meetup also worried will get expose. How do you guys deal with this loneliness?

 

 

Dont meet up means lonely ah ???  

We have no life ya, dont meet up w friends , we dont know what to do , stare at the wall and count ants in the kitchen if there is any ?? 

 

U really got no life 

[Guest guest]

1 hour ago, Guest Mary said:

Dont meet up means lonely ah ???  

We have no life ya, dont meet up w friends , we dont know what to do , stare at the wall and count ants in the kitchen if there is any ?? 

 

U really got no life 

I guess some people prefer to have people around them than alone, it is no about whether this person has life or no life. And yet some people can be so independent that even fall sick also no need people to help. 

[Guest Mary]

21 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

I guess some people prefer to have people around them than alone, it is no about whether this person has life or no life. And yet some people can be so independent that even fall sick also no need people to help. 

Fair enuff.  
 

I dont need ppl to be around me all the time, esp those Wu-liao one .  I rather have my me-time, read up , watch tv or clean up my house 

 

But when I am sick, I do need someone to help on simple errand, esp help to buy me porridge 

[Guest guest]

1 hour ago, Guest Mary said:

Fair enuff.  
 

I dont need ppl to be around me all the time, esp those Wu-liao one .  I rather have my me-time, read up , watch tv or clean up my house 

 

But when I am sick, I do need someone to help on simple errand, esp help to buy me porridge 

You can call Grab food even you do not have someone to buy porridge for you, quite easy nowadays. I think no one would be so free to help you when you are sick, if no one is staying with you. This is the reality. This is why it is important to get attached, so that someone is there to share joy and sorrow.

[fab]

Don't pin Hope on your partner to buy food for you when your r sick especially those who don't stay together. 大难临头各自飞。

 

No hope, no disappointment.

 

 

[Guest Fbb]

2 minutes ago, fab said:

Don't pin Hope on your partner to buy food for you when your r sick especially those who don't stay together. 大难临头各自飞。

 

No hope, no disappointment.

 

 

I took care of one of my FB for a few days. Helped him with discharge from hospital, took him back to his home, stayed with him for a few days, buy his food, clean his house, wash his clothes, 

He didn't even tell his family about his minor operation because he's afraid they'll find those gay things in his house.

[Guest Fbb]

5 hours ago, Guest Mary said:

Fair enuff.  
 

I dont need ppl to be around me all the time, esp those Wu-liao one .  I rather have my me-time, read up , watch tv or clean up my house 

 

But when I am sick, I do need someone to help on simple errand, esp help to buy me porridge 

Maybe we should set up a SOS social group for this type of SOS? How someone can pick it up.

[repressednerd]

After going for nude night in the sauna, especially on crowded nights, I don't feel lonely after touching many guys. (Even those that don't like me to touch can't escape in time since it's so crowded)

[Guest Juno]

because of my mistake of losing my family and friends because of that mistake I can never learn anymore and my friends are hard and we have no way to change my past because now I want to die just because I no longer feel the pain because of the turmoil and anxiety I believe in time travel but I can't do it if it is true or time traverses please let me know I want to fix my mistake and our future If time comes travel here pls help me😭😭😭

[Guest guest]

On 2/23/2020 at 7:11 PM, fab said:

Don't pin Hope on your partner to buy food for you when your r sick especially those who don't stay together. 大难临头各自飞。

 

No hope, no disappointment.

 

 

Meaning ultimately better depend on yourself than others, even that person is your partner also cannot pin any hope? If yes then life is really depressing.

[Guest guest]

On 2/23/2020 at 7:20 PM, Guest Fbb said:

I took care of one of my FB for a few days. Helped him with discharge from hospital, took him back to his home, stayed with him for a few days, buy his food, clean his house, wash his clothes, 

He didn't even tell his family about his minor operation because he's afraid they'll find those gay things in his house.

You are so nice. Difficult to find such people now.

[Steve5380]

On 3/1/2020 at 6:01 AM, Guest Juno said:

because of my mistake of losing my family and friends because of that mistake I can never learn anymore and my friends are hard and we have no way to change my past because now I want to die just because I no longer feel the pain because of the turmoil and anxiety I believe in time travel but I can't do it if it is true or time traverses please let me know I want to fix my mistake and our future If time comes travel here pls help me😭😭😭

 

Remember that, in the future,  the day of today will be a day in the past.

 

So you have a way to travel to the past (of your future)  by living today the day of today.

Whatever you did before today, this is unreachable. The same will be true if there is reincarnation.  Any past before today is gone!

 

So do today that what you will wish in the future that you had done today.  

Have some faith that, like things get bad, they get better too. 

 

 

[fab]

9 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Meaning ultimately better depend on yourself than others, even that person is your partner also cannot pin any hope? If yes then life is really depressing.

 

Not really. 

 

Yes, depend on yourself. 

 

No, don't have expectations on anyone includingyour spouse. If he's willing to take care of you, it's a bonus. 

[LeanMature]

On 2/16/2020 at 6:55 PM, Guest Lonely said:

Every weekend work work work. I feel so sian have to wake up early for work. But after work, feel so lonely. Like dunno what to do. Watch movie too much will get sian too. Sleep too much also headache. Esp now with the virus outbreak, is even lonelier.

 

True, really sian if need to work every weekend.  Weekdays off is boring as most activities are held during weekends.

[Guest guest]

14 hours ago, fab said:

 

Not really. 

 

Yes, depend on yourself. 

 

No, don't have expectations on anyone includingyour spouse. If he's willing to take care of you, it's a bonus. 

Will become too independent become anti-social? Then when one day you really need help from people, no one would help you due to you overly depend on yourself too much?

[fab]

38 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

Will become too independent become anti-social? Then when one day you really need help from people, no one would help you due to you overly depend on yourself too much?

 

A person can be Independent and sociable simultaneously.  

 

I mean independent by not over relying on others. Why would your friends not wanna help you if you hardly enlist their help? Wouldn't you be more willing to help a friend who hardly borrow money from you than a frequent borrower?

[hunter]

22 hours ago, fab said:

 

Not really. 

 

Yes, depend on yourself. 

 

No, don't have expectations on anyone includingyour spouse. If he's willing to take care of you, it's a bonus. 

 

You are right. You were alone when you came to this world, and you will be on your own when leaving. Even if your partner holds your hand, the last step will be yours.

 

But: its 

[hunter]

Just now, hunter said:

 

You are right. You were alone when you came to this world, and you will be on your own when leaving. Even if your partner holds your hand, the last step will be yours.

 

But: its 

But its worth trying to build a relation along the way. Be positive.

[fab]

1 hour ago, hunter said:

 

You are right. You were alone when you came to this world, and you will be on your own when leaving. Even if your partner holds your hand, the last step will be yours.

 

But: its 

 

1 hour ago, hunter said:

But its worth trying to build a relation along the way. Be positive.

 

Not negative,  just pragmatic.

 

When there's no expectation, there's no disappointment.  Nor heartache, pain, misery and ultimately no suffering. 

[Zekoneko]

All lonely people should gather together 

[Guest Armpits]

On 5/17/2020 at 10:32 AM, Zekoneko said:

All lonely people should gather together 

Is there a lonely club? Where huh?

[Looking123]

Have not seen this thread before. Will read it to get some comfort and virtual camaraderie.

[Guest Right Here]

3 hours ago, Guest Armpits said:

Is there a lonely club? Where huh?

In this forum. the BW lonely club.  Where else can you find?

[Looking123]

On 12/26/2010 at 8:16 AM, Guest Guest said:

It's a fallacy, nobody will ever belong to someone else entirely.

Nobody will b at ur disposal, for u to call as & when u like it. Maybe at the beginning of the relationship, the other party may oblige.

Being attached doesn't guarantee u will b happier, less lonely, or more fulfilled.

The sooner u realise these facts, the happier u will b in the future.

U should change ur mentality: change ur outlook, appreciate the people & things around u, try to improve on urself (education, self esteem, etc), & develop hobbies.

From there,maybe, u will meet someone to share ur life (both happiness & woes) in future. Becos when a person is positive, he'll meet positive people.

 

I know this is almost 10 years later but it's true, isn't it?

[Guest Lonely]

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me. I know this is abit exaggerated. I feel lonely yet I am anti sociaĺ. Maybe all I want is sex. But sometimes after sex, I feel blank and meaningless too. I dont know where is this loneliness coming from? 

[Why?]

On 11/13/2020 at 6:43 PM, Guest Lonely said:

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me.

Not that I know cat has such weird behaviour.  All cats love to be touched by me.  May be, you are a CATfish.  Yuck!! the fishy smell.  No wonder so lonely.

Edited November 14, 2020 by Why?

[Guest Guest guest]

The loneliness is coming from within yourself, your brain in particular. Thats why many people who are sometimes surrounded by alot of friends etc can still feel lonely.

Life can feel meaningless because there is no concrete meaning on life. Everyone struggles to sort of form their own interpretation/view on whats the meaning of life. 

 

[Guest Derelict]

Maybe like, find something that you really like doing but haven't done so for a long time?

 

Like me, last time I did not do/buy things I like. Because I wanted to fit in, don't want people call me weird blah blah blah.

 

Now I'm totally at ease following my likes. Other people not you, you have to decide what makes you happy.  If it makes you happy, it's meaningful to you.

 

For me, it's not about being lonely but rather I enjoy solitutde. Who gives a shit anymore about fair weathered friends and their social norms?  They can go F themselves.

[Easy_man]

16 hours ago, Guest Lonely said:

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me. I know this is abit exaggerated. I feel lonely yet I am anti sociaĺ. Maybe all I want is sex. But sometimes after sex, I feel blank and meaningless too. I dont know where is this loneliness coming from? 

Actually u need a friend, not sex, I think. 🤔

[imran]

16 hours ago, Guest Derelict said:

Maybe like, find something that you really like doing but haven't done so for a long time?

 

Like me, last time I did not do/buy things I like. Because I wanted to fit in, don't want people call me weird blah blah blah.

 

Now I'm totally at ease following my likes. Other people not you, you have to decide what makes you happy.  If it makes you happy, it's meaningful to you.

 

For me, it's not about being lonely but rather I enjoy solitutde. Who gives a shit anymore about fair weathered friends and their social norms?  They can go F themselves.

yes i can relate to this. my friends dont share my interest, so i have no 1 2 share wif. film fest, art fest, vinyl collecting..i got tired of pple whom i  'need' to explain wats all these about. to them  say 'well, u join the masses..movies downloader, mp3 downloader, dono arts or cinema, only know the avengers films etc'. 

[Seedrick]

17 hours ago, Guest Lonely said:

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me. I know this is abit exaggerated. I feel lonely yet I am anti sociaĺ. Maybe all I want is sex. But sometimes after sex, I feel blank and meaningless too. I dont know where is this loneliness coming from? 

no amount of sex can fill that empty void... you need something more meaningful to fill it up~

[gareth96]

17 hours ago, Guest Lonely said:

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me. I know this is abit exaggerated. I feel lonely yet I am anti sociaĺ. Maybe all I want is sex. But sometimes after sex, I feel blank and meaningless too. I dont know where is this loneliness coming from? 

Same.. I also just don’t like ppl to touch me esp. now got the rona I’m more easily annoyed hahaha. Maybe you can listen to the people above.. reconnect with your friends or family.. go out for a meal or something and get some quality time/company. It works for me because sometimes I tend to overthink a lot when I’m alone.. esp. after quarantine it becomes worse lol. Hope you feel better soon bro 😁

[Guest Karma]

20 hours ago, Guest Lonely said:

I feel so lonely. But I'm like a cat. When ppl want to touch me I will yell dont touch me. I know this is abit exaggerated. I feel lonely yet I am anti sociaĺ. Maybe all I want is sex. But sometimes after sex, I feel blank and meaningless too. I dont know where is this loneliness coming from? 

 

The loneliness comes from the selfish attitude.  You want to receive and not willing to give - traits of narcissistic and self-centred personality.

[FattChoy]

9 hours ago, imran said:

'...only know the avengers films etc'. 

🤮

[blowjobber]

I feel lonely too. Sex does give me release but it’s almost always short lived. I just want someone to just sit and chill. We don’t have to talk if there’s not much stuff to talk to. Just acknowledge each other’s presence and relax. 

[Guest Derelict]

20 hours ago, imran said:

yes i can relate to this. my friends dont share my interest, so i have no 1 2 share wif. film fest, art fest, vinyl collecting..i got tired of pple whom i  'need' to explain wats all these about. to them  say 'well, u join the masses..movies downloader, mp3 downloader, dono arts or cinema, only know the avengers films etc'. 

Forgive me for being inquisitive. If you and you friends did not have the same interests, how did you guys become friends?

 

Because for me, I made frens with people who shared my interests . Boy did this turn out to be a double edged sword later.

[yuquidam]

Never fancy having sex when feeling lonely. I rather look up some friends, str8 or gay, to chill over food or drinks or some activities. So ya, everyone do feel lonely at times, and being with good friends do help. But there are times I like to be alone to do my own stuff.

 

I only fxxk or have sex when horny LOL 

Edited November 15, 2020 by yuquidam

[auscent]

Start by giving. Cultivate being interested in other ppl. Goal is just to listen without prejudice. Rather than hoping they fill the void in you.