Should I Get Married? + Will U Bow Down To Family Pressure To Marry + Marriage Of Convenience (Compiled)

[Guest bi bi]

no worries for the good or bad english, afterall like wat GM had said, we are not here for english test. at least still got me who can understand what u are trying to say here, ha, u are not the only one who got this kind of thoughts, bro. Me too, hope to get married but the gal must know and can accept that I am gay/bi, best if she is also les/bi then everyone will be fine with this kind of life. But come back to real life, it is not that easy to find one... ....

  On 3/18/2013 at 4:29 PM, idiot71 said:

Sorry for my poor english..but...no matter how ur say i still got strong feeling want to get married,eventhough i myself feel selfish too...so i only can look for lesbian only if they want to marry me,after married she live with her life style n me live with mine,i think she also will feel release after married,no need to feel pressure from his family n relative..tats my thinking only...so if happend ur guy know any lesbian friend same thinking as me,feel free to let me know,thanks a lot..

 

[Guest Gayly Married]

Why can't you marry whoever you like. I'm a 50 yr old Xpat who married his bf of 10 yrs last year. We did the ceremony in Canada. If gays don't start lviing for themselves nothing will change. You need to lead your own life. You can start by worrying less about what others think and more about what will make you happy.If two people (gay and a lesbian) marry out of convenience rather than love, how happy will the two of you be. Moreover, everyone will be putting pressure on you to have kids. Do you see your life including children? Maybe, you would be better migrating to some other place that is better suited to your wishes? If you could migrate, where would that be?

[idiot71]

Thanks to GachiMuchi,all the thing u mention i did considere before,but if happend the lesbian keen to marry with me,we need to come to compromise before married which it is no sex involve n no kids will be involve since she is lesbian n i m gay,i think she won't interest to guy too,n maybe no divorce case happen too,we can act like normal husband n wife...tats all my thinking only,u all think this can be success???i need u all support...thanks...

[slackerj]

Getting married with a lesbian might work, but both of you will have to get along well enough. There always the matter of pressure to have children from your parents. And what will happen if you or ur 'wife' find that special someone??

[GachiMuchi]

  On 3/19/2013 at 3:37 PM, idiot71 said:

Thanks to GachiMuchi,all the thing u mention i did considere before,but if happend the lesbian keen to marry with me,we need to come to compromise before married which it is no sex involve n no kids will be involve since she is lesbian n i m gay,i think she won't interest to guy too,n maybe no divorce case happen too,we can act like normal husband n wife...tats all my thinking only,u all think this can be success???i need u all support...thanks...

Sorry, I personally don't support spending time and money to fabricate a shammed life, nor do I recommend fellow gays or lesbians to live their lives in a lie. Your kind of 孝道 (filial piety) is what we called 愚孝 (foolish filial piety). These kind of ideas looks and sounds good and passable, but many many factors needs to be factored in and it will not be just so simple.

 

Maybe those whom had gone thru such experience as to fabricate a shammed life can talk some sense to TS.

[bonekaz]

I don't know about gays but I'm bisexual and I'm pretty on the fence about all this. Sure I'm still young and I have a long way to go but I sometimes ponder a lot about this.

Sometimes I think it's best to just remain single because you know how big a responsibility marriage is. But other times, I do want to have a family. Though my stand is that if I were to in the end get married to a girl, it will be to someone who knows everything about me and my bisexuality. Lying will just eat you up inside done you think?

Just my 2cents.

[SeannyShortcake]

A lifetime (or at least,what's left) of shit awaits you should you be married to a member of the opposite gender when you're actually homosexual.

 

Find a boyfriend/Get married overseas (to a guy)/Come out to your friends and family

 

Just a few options for consideration.

[dannysuz]

  On 3/18/2013 at 4:29 PM, idiot71 said:

Sorry for my poor english..but...no matter how ur say i still got strong feeling want to get married,eventhough i myself feel selfish too...so i only can look for lesbian only if they want to marry me,after married she live with her life style n me live with mine,i think she also will feel release after married,no need to feel pressure from his family n relative..tats my thinking only...so if happend ur guy know any lesbian friend same thinking as me,feel free to let me know,thanks a lot..

Just get married and be a married gay. There are some married gay in BW and they can do it. Why can't you ?  Just do it !!! Do not make it so complicate. Find a good wife and have kids. If you like to eat duck rice, just go for it and be safe for your family. May be you will forget about the duck rice after you become a wonderful dad. good luck!

[browsing1]

23 chinese undergrad here..

 

just wondering if anyone of you may know other ajs who have gotten married (without the sex and committment)? would like to do this not to remain discreet or anything, but more to make my elderly grandmother happy. where do these people get their wives from anyway?

[Guest Bi-Girl]

Not just abt filial piety but its the Chinese family pride. I read China & Taiwan has this group-help for lgbt to marry for convenience. Maybe one of u here can start tis!

[Guest 红花会总舵主]

  On 3/17/2013 at 3:55 PM, idiot71 said:

I m 40 years old,my parent keep pushing me to married...any suggestion? married to lesbian?any lobang?sad sad sad...

 

I lived in the States for years, I have seen gay married woman.

 

In Singapore, there are gays turned straights. Nothing amazing. 

[loveoldman]

for me it is a big NO-NO but if u want to get married despite being a gay, go ahead but make sure you have lots of money, do u want ur children to suffer, especiallly in this shit world?

[icefox]

Marry is just a term. For homosexual, as long as u have someone to love u truly and deeply. Marry or not marry, seems not different (i mean in term of love only, not for other physical belonging). Just like Leslie cheung, gone for 10 years, the man still there for him.

[darkiedark]

40 years old and your mom still wants you to marry? I was hoping my mom will give up when I turn 35. Haha. Just the right time for me to get a flat and move out too. 

[Sticky&Sweet]

  On 3/19/2013 at 3:37 PM, idiot71 said:

Thanks to GachiMuchi,all the thing u mention i did considere before,but if happend the lesbian keen to marry with me,we need to come to compromise before married which it is no sex involve n no kids will be involve since she is lesbian n i m gay,i think she won't interest to guy too,n maybe no divorce case happen too,we can act like normal husband n wife...tats all my thinking only,u all think this can be success???i need u all support...thanks...

 

Support?? *Snide laughter* I don't think you're gonna get an inch of support here with your simplistic mentality. So you call yourself idiot71? Well, OK...

[doncoin]

  On 3/18/2013 at 7:40 PM, Cube3 said:

Hey luv this video! THANKYOU...This is how I imagine I'd get married. If only can find the right guy!

 

Anytime. I am working to that wedding myself. It's the Plaza Hotel. The ultimate NY wedding.

 

I recently texted my mom the photo of the guy I am seeing. It was a simple photo of just the 2 of us at the ballet taken back in February. Next thing I heard from my sister over the weekend, my mother is showing our photo to all the relatives during a family gathering.

 

I do confess, I do think this man is the one. So if things progress well, I think a walk down the aisle is in order. It is the right thing.

 

Now I just got to figure out the wedding dinner part in Singapore...

[Guest Marrying man]

I'm really lost. Please give me some advice anyone especially the married guys.

After so many years denial, I have come to the point of admitting to myself that I am gay. I can have sex with women but I prefer men and when comes to feeling I also love men more than women. I have a long term girlfriend. Should I carry on and get married? I know marrying a woman might be a mistake but I'm also not sure if I will regret taking the gay path it seems very tough. All my life I made plans to get married and have kids. It has come to a point for a final decision as my girlfriend as I are not so young anymore, I am 40. If I blew this marriage, that's it, I know I will end up single with no kids. I might meet a suitable gay partner but we will not talk about that now. 

So please tell me what to do. Married guys, I'm sure some of you have are familiar with this type of situation. 

Do you guys regret getting married?

Are you glad that you get married?

What are the problems you are facing now? How do you cope?

Is it worth getting married just to have kids?

Arghhhhhh.... So many things to consider. Please guide me! After this there are more problems for me- explaining to my girlfriend about leaving.

[Guest Happy Guy]

Hi fren, I tried to PM you, but I guess you are not a member of bw yet. You may consider creating an account so it's easier for others to PM you to give you personal advice.

[Guest Guest.]

From your girlfriend's point of view , i personally think its quite selfish that you're just going to leave her just like that because its really irresponsible and since you've stated that you're both 'not so young' anymore , its not going to be fair for her to find another one as she could have passed her 'prime' age . Thats something you have to consider .

Secondly , it will definitely be unfair to you too as you've stated a clear line that you're positively gay and not bisexual , living with a woman will be tough and nerve-wrecking for things such as both of your needs and the children wise . At some point in life , this decision might be a regretful one but who knows about future ..

And i want to say this firmly to all the lgbts everywhere in the world to be clear of what you want , like if 'John' is gay , 'John' should be able to understand that starting a relationship with the opposite sex will be something unpromising . like dont ever think of it . it can't work . And although experiencing fatherhood is super commendable , there are a lot of ways to have kids that doesn't require marriage , like adoption(still not available in singapore sadly) or surrogate mother(should be available in singapore) . Gotta think a lot before making the decision .__.

[kee_hsiao]

for almost every questions, my answer is always a "yes" and "no". whether married or not, you will bear some form of regrets... really, choice is yours... but given your age now, you gotta think through thoroughly as this no longer affects just you.

all the best.

[Only4awhile]

Why not share with your gf your dilemma and work this through together to see if you wanna get married?

[GachiMuchi]

  On 6/18/2013 at 6:56 AM, Marrying man said:

I'm really lost. Please give me some advice anyone especially the married guys.

After so many years denial, I have come to the point of admitting to myself that I am gay. I can have sex with women but I prefer men and when comes to feeling I also love men more than women. I have a long term girlfriend. Should I carry on and get married? I know marrying a woman might be a mistake but I'm also not sure if I will regret taking the gay path it seems very tough. All my life I made plans to get married and have kids. It has come to a point for a final decision as my girlfriend as I are not so young anymore, I am 40. If I blew this marriage, that's it, I know I will end up single with no kids. I might meet a suitable gay partner but we will not talk about that now. 

So please tell me what to do. Married guys, I'm sure some of you have are familiar with this type of situation. 

Do you guys regret getting married?

Are you glad that you get married?

What are the problems you are facing now? How do you cope?

Is it worth getting married just to have kids?

Arghhhhhh.... So many things to consider. Please guide me! After this there are more problems for me- explaining to my girlfriend about leaving.

 

There is no point asking people about their lives because your life and theirs will be different.

 

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself.

1. Do you love your girlfriend.

2. Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to a women you might not love.

3. Do you have lots of money to burn going through the charade of your life; wedding dinner, honeymoon, matrimonial home, furniture, etc.

4. What if you are married and few years down the line, you meet the love of your life, a man that could be your bf?

5. Aren't your life already complicated enough, and you are piling up more problems for yourself.

6. Aren't you being selfish to go through the whole charade? It seems you are only thinking of yourself. What about those people you are going to lie to and eventually even hurt.

7. When you are single, you only answer to yourself and your parents, but when you are married, you are answerable to your wife and your in-laws too.

 

Life is simple, but it's people that complicate things.

[Guest daddy]

  On 6/18/2013 at 7:45 AM, kee_hsiao said:

for almost every questions, my answer is always a "yes" and "no". whether married or not, you will bear some form of regrets... really, choice is yours... but given your age now, you gotta think through thoroughly as this no longer affects just you.

all the best.

it is not for anyone to advise you to get married or not. Don't do it for anyone, but do it for yourself, if that's what you want. You need to decide for yourself. At the end of the day, you cannot blame anyone if it does not work out. If you are gay, then have you explore having a relationship with a man? If not, you might want to experiment, although that may mean breaking up with your girlfriend. Regardless if you eventually end up with a man or a woman, the commitment is a long term normally, but in today's context, relationships are quite transient for many reasons. Well, that depends on the two of you.

 

In any long term relationships, things like romantism and wild sex would soon give way to the mundane day-to-day bills, housework, career, travel, child-rearing, etc. Having children in gay relationships is definitely possible but the adoption process could be long and expensive. In any relationships, it is important to establish the love commitment on forgiveness, acceptance, communication, protection, provision and promotion. And if you divorce your wife or break up with a gay partner, it can get quite tricky to work things out responsibly to help yourself and your ex-partner heal and move on in life. It would be even more tricky when the two of you have children, be it adopted or natural. That said, no one knows the future. We all step into relationships with certain degree of risk and faith, but with a commitment to try to make it work for the long haul. What you and your partner would reap would depends on what the two of you sow.  Hope that make sense? Any questions?

[fab]

Marrying man,

 

Pls DONT create more sufferings for:

 

both your parents and her parents;

 

your future wife;

 

your future children;

 

last but not least, yourself.

[Guest Guest]

hey you should create a account and post this at some married men threads in the member sections. i think people there are able to give you better advices as most are married and prob know how you feel instead of random members shooting off one-sided comments (just saying).

[GachiMuchi]

This is a first.

Guest asking another guest to create an account while the Guest himself is not a member.

 

True, If you want people to really help, you. Then you must open up more avenues for people to help you, e.g. sign up with a member account and let those discreet married men PM you.

Edited June 18, 2013 by GachiMuchi

[Guest No]

My ans is NO

btw i m single, not attached n above 40

even though being single n gay can be quite lonely n tough, but since i know very clearly my orietation, i tell myself i shdnt bring misery to a female by having a relationship with her, or worse, marrying her.

To me, i will rather go thru this lonely path by myself than dragging ano innocent party with me

If u wanna consider marriage, make sure it is becos u REALLY love her

[Guest Guest]

  On 6/18/2013 at 10:03 AM, GachiMuchi said:

This is a first.

Guest asking another guest to create an account while the Guest himself is not a member.

 

 

cos only members can post there and there are married men threads there. you are 'experienced' yourself but i have seen how people bash married/going to get married men here w/o knowing their situations.

[joshTWjosh]

If you think having a more stable family life with a wife and children will bring you more life satisfaction at the end of the day, and if you are able to (1) continue hiding your gay tendencies or (2) occasionally satisfy your gay tendencies without your family knowing, then I think it is fine for you to get married, but you must be ready to bear the consequences of being a family man and father in exchange for stability, passing down your genes etc

[Guest MarriedDecent]

Hi

This may sound unconventional. But get married and try to live out your gay life also.

You are bi. You can handle both.

[Guest Guest]

You asked every stranger here except your dick.

Your dick knows the answer.

 

If you got married, you cheating stories will definitely end up in the post 'cheating married men' for the NXT 20 YRS.

And if you have kids, you got to hide from them, too. You might bump into your own son in the sauna maze.

So be single & let your gal move on to a better man, who is more straight than you, to give her marital bliss & eternal orgasm.

 

YOLO

[Only4awhile]

走吧 走吧 人总要学着自己长大

走吧 走吧 人生难免经历苦痛挣扎

走吧 走吧 为自己的心找一个家

也曾伤心流泪

也曾黯然心碎

这是爱的代价

Realized how meaningful the lyrics of this song is when I thought about the dilemma of TS.

Hope you find your strength and solution to overcome it.

[Guest Guest]

  On 6/18/2013 at 2:22 PM, Only4awhile said:

走吧 走吧 人总要学着自己长大

走吧 走吧 人生难免经历苦痛挣扎

走吧 走吧 为自己的心找一个家

也曾伤心流泪

也曾黯然心碎

这是爱的代价

Realized how meaningful the lyrics of this song is when I thought about the dilemma of TS.

Hope you find your strength and solution to overcome it.

BTW, you are not Sylvia?

 

[snowball]

不如自问, 为何你要走向婚姻的道路?

婚姻是你最终想要的归宿。

婚姻是你掩饰身份的最佳手段。

婚姻是你向女友承诺的兑现。

婚姻是你孝顺父母唯一的途径。

。。。

你自己心里最想要的又是什么呢?

走错一步, 可能全盘棋子就会崩溃。

人生无法重来, 可能的话, 为自己活得精彩为自己喝彩。

祝福你。

[Guest Me-ed]

Marry, that is what you want with kids all. I agree with MarriedDecent.

[123ZZZ]

Always easier to tell others then to advise myself

Ask yourself what you want

1. If you can put up with marriage and live together with her for the rest of your life, the result is you can have kids and others will not talk about you being single and probably gay, but live with guilt of cheating a woman into being your wife

2. Be yourself and do what you like but put up with family, friends and colleagues asking you why you don't have a girlfriend or didn't get married

Chose wisely

Of course, there are those who get married, have kids then divorce so at least others will not gossip about you being gay.

Your choice.

Life is about accepting imperfections of life, making a decision then getting on with life with the aim of being truly happy hopefully...

[Guest Marrying Man]

Thanks for all the replies, I wanted to quote the replies here but that will be too tedious, so instead of that I am breaking my replies in paragraphs.

Guest, I know it is quite selfish leaving her after so long, I did not purposely wait all these years till now to leave. I have blocked myself from the fact that I might be gay all these years until now. I’m at a disadvantage too being older now. I can still have sex with a woman but I know I prefer man, for this I would say no further discussion! I’m gay! But if you prefer, you can consider me a bisexual. Appearance wise, you will not think I am gay.

Only4awhile, I have thought about sharing this with my gf but if you think about it, once I give her the information I will not want to marry her anymore even if she agrees to carry on. I have my pride you know and also she can use this fact against me anytime.

GachiMuchi, that’s right there is no point asking because everyone’s life is different. But I have reached almost the end of this relationship where I am already thinking of leaving. This is my last chance to reconsider and I want to hear as many options as possible. I know many married guys have stayed married like this and I hope to get their feedback, maybe it is not that bad after all or maybe it is even nothing as big a deal since many married couples don’t have much sex some years after marriage anyway. Do I love my gf? Yes, but you know what I mean, doesn’t turn me on but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her but that doesn’t mean I have to marry her.

Daddy, let’s say if I eventually choose marriage, I am not doing it for anyone but myself. This is not about parent’s pressure. In a way I am lucky that I am not married yet and now given a last chance to reconsider. And I am brave enough and ready to face everything that I need to face, even if I need to tell my gf and family the truth why I need to leave, I will.

[Guest GUEST]

go marry a man will solve all yr worries

[Guest No]

  On 6/18/2013 at 4:38 PM, Marrying Man said:

Guest, I know it is quite selfish leaving her after so long, I did not purposely wait all these years till now to leave. I have blocked myself from the fact that I might be gay all these years until now. I’m at a disadvantage too being older now. I can still have sex with a woman but I know I prefer man, for this I would say no further discussion! I’m gay! But if you prefer, you can consider me a bisexual. Appearance wise, you will not think I am gay.

Only4awhile, I have thought about sharing this with my gf but if you think about it, once I give her the information I will not want to marry her anymore even if she agrees to carry on. I have my pride you know and also she can use this fact against me anytime.

GachiMuchi, that’s right there is no point asking because everyone’s life is different. But I have reached almost the end of this relationship where I am already thinking of leaving. This is my last chance to reconsider and I want to hear as many options as possible. I know many married guys have stayed married like this and I hope to get their feedback, maybe it is not that bad after all or maybe it is even nothing as big a deal since many married couples don’t have much sex some years after marriage anyway. Do I love my gf? Yes, but you know what I mean, doesn’t turn me on but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her but that doesn’t mean I have to marry her.

Daddy, let’s say if I eventually choose marriage, I am not doing it for anyone but myself. This is not about parent’s pressure. In a way I am lucky that I am not married yet and now given a last chance to reconsider. And I am brave enough and ready to face everything that I need to face, even if I need to tell my gf and family the truth why I need to leave, I will.

Hey, i stil think u shdnt get married, at least for now.

Fr ur reply, can tell that ur state of mind is unstable or in a swirl now.

Ask yourself, do u feel happy having to "block" ur gay tendency all these yrs? If u r not, will u be happy if u r married to a woman n have to keep hiding in the closet for life?

And the fact that u r afraid ur future wife will make use of ur true sexuality against u shows how "deeply" both of u r in love.

And since u already pluck out the courage to step out of the closet, then just do it!!! Many PLU r in a dilemma bcos they lack the courage to do so n u r NOT.

[Guest Guest]

NO!!!

[Guest Ironrod]

  On 6/18/2013 at 4:38 PM, Marrying Man said:

Daddy, let’s say if I eventually choose marriage, I am not doing it for anyone but myself. This is not about parent’s pressure. In a way I am lucky that I am not married yet and now given a last chance to reconsider. And I am brave enough and ready to face everything that I need to face, even if I need to tell my gf and family the truth why I need to leave, I will.

 

Are you brave enough to lose everything when u are in mid-life?? If eventually u need to leave and your wife gets your flat, your money, your kids - is that what u are prepare to face?

 

Don't underestimate the power of woman-charter.

 

GF u can dump anytime, but wife the price you need to pay and the price can be very high and that is why most of those married man in BW are "trapped" by their own makings.

 

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned

[frendlee]

  On 6/18/2013 at 6:56 AM, Marrying man said:

I can have sex with women but I prefer men and when comes to feeling I also love men more than women.

 

When you say you prefer men does that mean you already had sex with men? It is a harder decision to make if you already have.

It is different if haven't since you may only be curious. You may regret calling off your marriage just because your curious.

[Guest daddy]

  On 6/18/2013 at 4:38 PM, Marrying Man said:

Thanks for all the replies, I wanted to quote the replies here but that will be too tedious, so instead of that I am breaking my replies in paragraphs.

Guest, I know it is quite selfish leaving her after so long, I did not purposely wait all these years till now to leave. I have blocked myself from the fact that I might be gay all these years until now. I’m at a disadvantage too being older now. I can still have sex with a woman but I know I prefer man, for this I would say no further discussion! I’m gay! But if you prefer, you can consider me a bisexual. Appearance wise, you will not think I am gay.

Only4awhile, I have thought about sharing this with my gf but if you think about it, once I give her the information I will not want to marry her anymore even if she agrees to carry on. I have my pride you know and also she can use this fact against me anytime.

GachiMuchi, that’s right there is no point asking because everyone’s life is different. But I have reached almost the end of this relationship where I am already thinking of leaving. This is my last chance to reconsider and I want to hear as many options as possible. I know many married guys have stayed married like this and I hope to get their feedback, maybe it is not that bad after all or maybe it is even nothing as big a deal since many married couples don’t have much sex some years after marriage anyway. Do I love my gf? Yes, but you know what I mean, doesn’t turn me on but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her but that doesn’t mean I have to marry her.

Daddy, let’s say if I eventually choose marriage, I am not doing it for anyone but myself. This is not about parent’s pressure. In a way I am lucky that I am not married yet and now given a last chance to reconsider. And I am brave enough and ready to face everything that I need to face, even if I need to tell my gf and family the truth why I need to leave, I will.

Thank you for your sharing.

 

I strongly encourage to talk to a counsellor to work out both sides of the issues for yourself. Each of our stories are unique for our own values and personality. You will need to work out yours, what suits you and your partner best, regardless female or male partner. For example, if you get married, what are the issues you'll need to work through to make it work and satisfying, and not like living a lie. On the other hand, living a gay life, be it closeted or openly gay with parents and friends could be just as challenging and hard too.

 

I was not planning on sharing my story, but since you'd asked. I chose to be married a woman, and if I had to choose again, it will be the same. I chose to be completely honest about my sexuality with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. She and many of my close friends know that I am gay. We have children together, and bringing up children taught us many lessons in life, and also brought up the differences between my wife and I. It was hard. In addition, I had betrayed her trust and had touched another man through cruising. We were considering a divorce then, at least I was. Then we went to a counsellor to work through some of our issues. Now our relationship is much stronger, more honest, more open and our expectations more realistic. I enjoy talking about anything with her, including movies, fashion, man, woman, musicals, work, kids, etc. I'd learned more about myself through being open and honest, that I am quite multifaceted, and not so single dimensional. As I interact with other men, be it gay or straight, married or other wise, I'd realized alot more in common than rigid demarcations of gay and straight. I begin to feel like we all have many common struggles and questions with life that goes beyond sex and romance. Yes, we still enjoy sex and a bit of fun and romance as husband and wife, but our relationship has matured beyond that because we had been through so much together. That's just a snippet of my story. I could write a book but this is not the place. I agree. Getting married or not? Coming out or not? Having a close or open gay relationship? All these are hard decisions for many. That said, these are just beginnings. The rest of the journey is what you make of it. On this forum, I am sure there will be many who will crucify me and call me a lie. Whatever. Hope that helps you or others. Friend, follow your heart. Be authentic. You will enjoy yourself and others more.

[LFM]

excellent, reflective thoughts shared by marriedecent, ironrod, daddy and rest. some of us may know studies tell our sexual orientation is the result of (1) nature (2) nurture or (3) both and the field of counselling have shown change or adaptation is possible, depending on how we 'write our story' of events and experiences which our values and belief system can influence. regardless, we know compatibility matters in any relationship and how we make the most of what we have as daddy said and, if i may add, for the greater benefit of all others (too), can make a difference without regret.

[LFM]

http://advice.friendsandlovers.com/married-homosexual-men.htm

[GachiMuchi]

  On 6/18/2013 at 5:46 PM, daddy said:

Thank you for your sharing.

 

I strongly encourage to talk to a counsellor to work out both sides of the issues for yourself. Each of our stories are unique for our own values and personality. You will need to work out yours, what suits you and your partner best, regardless female or male partner. For example, if you get married, what are the issues you'll need to work through to make it work and satisfying, and not like living a lie. On the other hand, living a gay life, be it closeted or openly gay with parents and friends could be just as challenging and hard too.

 

I was not planning on sharing my story, but since you'd asked. I chose to be married a woman, and if I had to choose again, it will be the same. I chose to be completely honest about my sexuality with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. She and many of my close friends know that I am gay. We have children together, and bringing up children taught us many lessons in life, and also brought up the differences between my wife and I. It was hard. In addition, I had betrayed her trust and had touched another man through cruising. We were considering a divorce then, at least I was. Then we went to a counsellor to work through some of our issues. Now our relationship is much stronger, more honest, more open and our expectations more realistic. I enjoy talking about anything with her, including movies, fashion, man, woman, musicals, work, kids, etc. I'd learned more about myself through being open and honest, that I am quite multifaceted, and not so single dimensional. As I interact with other men, be it gay or straight, married or other wise, I'd realized alot more in common than rigid demarcations of gay and straight. I begin to feel like we all have many common struggles and questions with life that goes beyond sex and romance. Yes, we still enjoy sex and a bit of fun and romance as husband and wife, but our relationship has matured beyond that because we had been through so much together. That's just a snippet of my story. I could write a book but this is not the place. I agree. Getting married or not? Coming out or not? Having a close or open gay relationship? All these are hard decisions for many. That said, these are just beginnings. The rest of the journey is what you make of it. On this forum, I am sure there will be many who will crucify me and call me a lie. Whatever. Hope that helps you or others. Friend, follow your heart. Be authentic. You will enjoy yourself and others more.

 

Out of curiosity, are you and your wife local? Because your IP doesn't really shows that you local. Acceptance level in Asian countries may not be as that in Western country, just so that you know.

[Guest Guest]

You should think about the kind of life you want. No right or wrong answers. 

 

 

To me get marry if you are starting a family if not don't, you will hurt her in the end. If you think about it in perspective, even for straight couple, the divorce rate is much higher if they do not have children. So for you,  you know you are gay, the probability of you ending up in a divorce is even higher without children since you will never be satisfied sexually with her.

 

[abang]

One question:

Are you trying to suppress the "gay" side of your life?

 

Marriage is not masak-masak.

There is so much more complexity than meets the eye.

You are no longer that care-free person anymore.

You are a part of someone's life and unless, you want the wife to be miserable...

 

Go write down a list of pros and cons and evaluate them rationally.

It is your decision ultimately,

Do what is right with your heart and your brain.

**

I am an older gay uncle and I am glad I was not pressurised to get married (to the opposite sex).

Perhaps I was lucky that my mother is open-minded and have seen my previous men-lover.

[Guest daddy]

  On 6/18/2013 at 7:49 PM, GachiMuchi said:

Out of curiosity, are you and your wife local? Because your IP doesn't really shows that you local. Acceptance level in Asian countries may not be as that in Western country, just so that you know.

Yes, we are Singaporeans living overseas in a predominantly westernized environment. gay marriage is still not legalized here but gay people and their relationships are widely accepted and less discriminated here. That said, different states have a slight skew towards the right or left wing, depending. I have friends in Singapore who have open gay relationships and adopted children, and people around them have accepted and come to respect them for their journey. I also have many gay friends in Singapore who are still relatively closeted. Its all a personal choice depending what people are comfortable with at a certain point in life. Each is on a journey of their own. And each journey comes with its own twists, turns, ups, downs, gains, losses, joys and pains.  No one should judge. No journey is exactly the same. Friend, take control of your journey. Enjoy your journey. We will be there when you need us.

[mijsdlog]

  On 6/18/2013 at 11:09 PM, daddy said:

Yes, we are Singaporeans living overseas in a predominantly westernized environment. gay marriage is still not legalized here but gay people and their relationships are widely accepted and less discriminated here. That said, different states have a slight skew towards the right or left wing, depending. I have friends in Singapore who have open gay relationships and adopted children, and people around them have accepted and come to respect them for their journey. I also have many gay friends in Singapore who are still relatively closeted. Its all a personal choice depending what people are comfortable with at a certain point in life. Each is on a journey of their own. And each journey comes with its own twists, turns, ups, downs, gains, losses, joys and pains.  No one should judge. No journey is exactly the same. Friend, take control of your journey. Enjoy your journey. We will be there when you need us.

I hadn't realized that it was possible for LGBT couples to adopt in Singapore. Or are they from another country where they had already been granted parental rights and are now residing in Singapore?

 

It's great to have your perspective. I wish more people will think out of the box when it comes to relationships and marriage. But we are often constrained by what our social environment permits.