Should I Get Married? + Will U Bow Down To Family Pressure To Marry + Marriage Of Convenience (Compiled)

[Guest daddy]

I hadn't realized that it was possible for LGBT couples to adopt in Singapore. Or are they from another country where they had already been granted parental rights and are now residing in Singapore?

 

It's great to have your perspective. I wish more people will think out of the box when it comes to relationships and marriage. But we are often constrained by what our social environment permits.

To adopt Singaporean children, the priority is generally given to heterosexual legally married couples that had been wedded 3 years or more.  I have friends who had adopted children from Indonesia and China, that might not discriminate 'single parenting', but not sure if their response to openly declared gay relationships (which is technically not recognized in Singapore). The rules are constantly changing and tightening to curb human trafficking, and has direct link to political bilateral relations between countries, depending on which country's babies you are adopting. The Internet would offer information and stories. Be prepared that it can be an emotional and financially long drawn process.

 

A point to add in response to the thread starter's dilemma. I encourage you to be open minded and not box yourself up. There are wives who openly celebrate their husbands coming out, having gender reassignments, giving blessings to the divorce and even helping them find a gay partner, or the other way around, e.g. after living 20 years of gay lifestyle, one decides to get married at the age of 60 and have kids! Making a decision now does not mean you are destined to stick with that decision for life. We are constantly changing and our feelings, thoughts and behaviours also changes with time, space and life experience, hopefully for the better.  Be true to yourself and your partner, be it your wife or your male partner. He/She deserves to know the real you and be given the right and choice to accept you the way you are, and to celebrate the real you.

[Guest Guest]

Thank you for your sharing.

 

I strongly encourage to talk to a counsellor to work out both sides of the issues for yourself. Each of our stories are unique for our own values and personality. You will need to work out yours, what suits you and your partner best, regardless female or male partner. For example, if you get married, what are the issues you'll need to work through to make it work and satisfying, and not like living a lie. On the other hand, living a gay life, be it closeted or openly gay with parents and friends could be just as challenging and hard too.

 

I was not planning on sharing my story, but since you'd asked. I chose to be married a woman, and if I had to choose again, it will be the same. I chose to be completely honest about my sexuality with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. She and many of my close friends know that I am gay. We have children together, and bringing up children taught us many lessons in life, and also brought up the differences between my wife and I. It was hard. In addition, I had betrayed her trust and had touched another man through cruising. We were considering a divorce then, at least I was. Then we went to a counsellor to work through some of our issues. Now our relationship is much stronger, more honest, more open and our expectations more realistic. I enjoy talking about anything with her, including movies, fashion, man, woman, musicals, work, kids, etc. I'd learned more about myself through being open and honest, that I am quite multifaceted, and not so single dimensional. As I interact with other men, be it gay or straight, married or other wise, I'd realized alot more in common than rigid demarcations of gay and straight. I begin to feel like we all have many common struggles and questions with life that goes beyond sex and romance. Yes, we still enjoy sex and a bit of fun and romance as husband and wife, but our relationship has matured beyond that because we had been through so much together. That's just a snippet of my story. I could write a book but this is not the place. I agree. Getting married or not? Coming out or not? Having a close or open gay relationship? All these are hard decisions for many. That said, these are just beginnings. The rest of the journey is what you make of it. On this forum, I am sure there will be many who will crucify me and call me a lie. Whatever. Hope that helps you or others. Friend, follow your heart. Be authentic. You will enjoy yourself and others more.

NO, you are not a liar. As long as your wife knows, it's all that matters

There's no guilt, lies or manipulation in the beginning of your relationship.

When you strayed, you chose to be honest with your partner than to come up with excuses.

Both of you show us that total acceptance & unconditional love are still very real & possible.

I don't think you need to tell your children(since there's another level) & they do not have the right to know.

Just curious, do they know?

Do you intend to tell them?

Are you still attracted to men?

Do you yearn for physical intimacy or emotional connection?

What's your resolution?

Thanks & much happiness & blessings to your family

[Only4awhile]

As I read the responses here, I am humbled by how respectful most of the writers are, trying to provide more clarity to the thread starter without being judgemental and forceful. This is indeed the true spirit of this forum where everyone can come without fear of being judged.

I also realized that this is a path in life that you Marrrying Man just have to walk.

To borrow from the song again (and no I am not Sylvia),

Let's walk on, for we have to learn to grow. While we may all experience pain inevitably in life, we shall find a home for our heart.

Hope when you share with us again, you have gained some clarity about your situation and have made decisions that you are at peace with.

[Guest Guest]

Thanks for all the replies, I wanted to quote the replies here but that will be too tedious, so instead of that I am breaking my replies in paragraphs.

Guest, I know it is quite selfish leaving her after so long, I did not purposely wait all these years till now to leave. I have blocked myself from the fact that I might be gay all these years until now. I’m at a disadvantage too being older now. I can still have sex with a woman but I know I prefer man, for this I would say no further discussion! I’m gay! But if you prefer, you can consider me a bisexual. Appearance wise, you will not think I am gay.

Only4awhile, I have thought about sharing this with my gf but if you think about it, once I give her the information I will not want to marry her anymore even if she agrees to carry on. I have my pride you know and also she can use this fact against me anytime.

GachiMuchi, that’s right there is no point asking because everyone’s life is different. But I have reached almost the end of this relationship where I am already thinking of leaving. This is my last chance to reconsider and I want to hear as many options as possible. I know many married guys have stayed married like this and I hope to get their feedback, maybe it is not that bad after all or maybe it is even nothing as big a deal since many married couples don’t have much sex some years after marriage anyway. Do I love my gf? Yes, but you know what I mean, doesn’t turn me on but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her but that doesn’t mean I have to marry her.

Daddy, let’s say if I eventually choose marriage, I am not doing it for anyone but myself. This is not about parent’s pressure. In a way I am lucky that I am not married yet and now given a last chance to reconsider. And I am brave enough and ready to face everything that I need to face, even if I need to tell my gf and family the truth why I need to leave, I will.

A bi is someone who's fine with both sexes.

But you said 'You prefer guys', therefore you made a conscious choice that you are definitely gay.

It takes a lot of courage to be different & to be gay.

I know of a married man who was in your situation. He had this 12 yrs relationship with this gal & married out of obligation. The gal requested to be married & he felt he owed her. They married in their mid 30s & had 2 children. He shared with me that he's no interest in sex & that if his wife initiate, he would have to give in. Sex is 'robotic'. He treats his wife more like a family member .

There's no love between them. They are like, siblings.

Secondly, DO YOU HAVE A BF?

If not, do you intend to look for one?

There are some gay people who are single but are not in a committed relationship.

Some might not want a BF, too.

They just love men & have no need for sexual intimacy.

Would you not like to be happy for the rest of your life?

[Guest daddy]

NO, you are not a liar. As long as your wife knows, it's all that matters

There's no guilt, lies or manipulation in the beginning of your relationship.

When you strayed, you chose to be honest with your partner than to come up with excuses.

Both of you show us that total acceptance & unconditional love are still very real & possible.

I don't think you need to tell your children(since there's another level) & they do not have the right to know.

Just curious, do they know?

Do you intend to tell them?

Are you still attracted to men?

Do you yearn for physical intimacy or emotional connection?

What's your resolution?

Thanks & much happiness & blessings to your family

Wow! great questions!

Yes, I intend to tell my children. I have started to introduce to them to the concept of same sex marriages in certain countries, and showed them that that is normal, and nothing to be frowned about. I will tell them eventually about myself, when I think they have the capacity to understand the complex issue of sexuality. Yes, I am attracted to both men and women, more towards men. I don't hide it, but would chat with my wife, and say, "wow! that man/woman very handsome huh?! body very sexy and nice!?" and we talk about it like we are admiring paintings or doing movie critique, nothing sexual about it. My wife and I would also speak up (appropriately) and gently challenge their thinking (without getting into meaningless debates) if our friends or people around us discriminate against the gay community or certain gay individuals.

 

I don't exactly long to be intimate with them physically or emotionally. The yearnings were stronger in the past. For me, I guess as I allow myself to grow psychologically, emotionally and mentally, I become more at peace with myself through self-acceptance and self-love. (*eyes rolling*, what an ego-maniac! hah!) Also, back to commitment and relationships with either sexes. Many of my heterosexual male friends also struggle with common issues that gay relationships struggle with, including upholding fidelity in their marriage. The most common is communication problem. Some struggle more than others, in various areas and degrees. I think that's a human instinctive nature, particularly in males. So don't think you will be free from this struggle to stray just because you got committed to a man. If you were my friend, and I was invited to your wedding with a gay man or a hetero-female, I would definitely be there to celebrate your holy matrimony. You are precious as a person, and deserved to be loved and celebrated!

[Guest 老鸟过客]

只供参考，你的命运由你决定。

只要尽力保护维持彼此间的承诺就没有遗憾。

婚姻有苦有甜，看你如何经营。

为什么有的人可以结了婚又离婚？有的可以白头到老？

婚姻没保障，GAY圈也一样。

做好决定就不要再后悔！

 

 

[Guest Guest]

Wow! great questions!

Yes, I intend to tell my children. I have started to introduce to them to the concept of same sex marriages in certain countries, and showed them that that is normal, and nothing to be frowned about. I will tell them eventually about myself, when I think they have the capacity to understand the complex issue of sexuality. Yes, I am attracted to both men and women, more towards men. I don't hide it, but would chat with my wife, and say, "wow! that man/woman very handsome huh?! body very sexy and nice!?" and we talk about it like we are admiring paintings or doing movie critique, nothing sexual about it. My wife and I would also speak up (appropriately) and gently challenge their thinking (without getting into meaningless debates) if our friends or people around us discriminate against the gay community or certain gay individuals.

 

I don't exactly long to be intimate with them physically or emotionally. The yearnings were stronger in the past. For me, I guess as I allow myself to grow psychologically, emotionally and mentally, I become more at peace with myself through self-acceptance and self-love. (*eyes rolling*, what an ego-maniac! hah!) Also, back to commitment and relationships with either sexes. Many of my heterosexual male friends also struggle with common issues that gay relationships struggle with, including upholding fidelity in their marriage. The most common is communication problem. Some struggle more than others, in various areas and degrees. I think that's a human instinctive nature, particularly in males. So don't think you will be free from this struggle to stray just because you got committed to a man. If you were my friend, and I was invited to your wedding with a gay man or a hetero-female, I would definitely be there to celebrate your holy matrimony. You are precious as a person, and deserved to be loved and celebrated!

what if your children cannot accept that you are gay? instead despise you and disown you as their father? just curious

[Guest daddy]

what if your children cannot accept that you are gay? instead despise you and disown you as their father? just curious

Well, if that happens, that happens. I will be sad and devastated. Then I will do my best to come around and continue living my life. Fact of the matter is, this happens to all sorts of child-parent relationships. Just look around us. So many parents have been disowned, abandoned and forsaken for too many reasons. My life will go on, and live it to the fullest!! Anyhow, my story is just but one perspective. Let's hope more people will share their perspective.

[Guest Guest]

Well, if that happens, that happens. I will be sad and devastated. Then I will do my best to come around and continue living my life. Fact of the matter is, this happens to all sorts of child-parent relationships. Just look around us. So many parents have been disowned, abandoned and forsaken for too many reasons. My life will go on, and live it to the fullest!! Anyhow, my story is just but one perspective. Let's hope more people will share their perspective

that is why i feel guys who have gay tendencies should not get married!!! lucky i am 100% gay

[Guest guest111111]

Dude 1st if u not into gal h0ow come u have been dating this gal for so long. stop asking people for advice, what u want in life decide and move on and face wat ever gonna happen after that. PLU life style if only while u are young when u older and grew more old u have no one for physical and emotion fill up. If u think u can make luv to yr wife and have kids and same time live yr 2nd life then just go for it. take the gamble if u make it

[Guest Guest]

Wow! great questions!

Yes, I intend to tell my children. I have started to introduce to them to the concept of same sex marriages in certain countries, and showed them that that is normal, and nothing to be frowned about. I will tell them eventually about myself, when I think they have the capacity to understand the complex issue of sexuality. Yes, I am attracted to both men and women, more towards men. I don't hide it, but would chat with my wife, and say, "wow! that man/woman very handsome huh?! body very sexy and nice!?" and we talk about it like we are admiring paintings or doing movie critique, nothing sexual about it. My wife and I would also speak up (appropriately) and gently challenge their thinking (without getting into meaningless debates) if our friends or people around us discriminate against the gay community or certain gay individuals.

 

I don't exactly long to be intimate with them physically or emotionally. The yearnings were stronger in the past. For me, I guess as I allow myself to grow psychologically, emotionally and mentally, I become more at peace with myself through self-acceptance and self-love. (*eyes rolling*, what an ego-maniac! hah!) Also, back to commitment and relationships with either sexes. Many of my heterosexual male friends also struggle with common issues that gay relationships struggle with, including upholding fidelity in their marriage. The most common is communication problem. Some struggle more than others, in various areas and degrees. I think that's a human instinctive nature, particularly in males. So don't think you will be free from this struggle to stray just because you got committed to a man. If you were my friend, and I was invited to your wedding with a gay man or a hetero-female, I would definitely be there to celebrate your holy matrimony. You are precious as a person, and deserved to be loved and celebrated!

Now the litmus test.

If there's a handsome man in the gym & he strips naked in front of you before going for his shower,

would you 'rise' to the occasion?

I have straight married men who yearned to be closed to me.

They married out of obligation but they told me if they were given a 2nd chance, they would prefer to be single.

They are very comfortable with me as I listen without judgement & give good advice.

They want to shower with me & see me naked. They are not horny but they want to be truthful & inclusive. But I declined politely.

It's bordering between male bonding & homoeroticism. But not gay.

Are we attracted to each other? Yes, it's more like the brother you never had.

We enjoyed just being with each other, without uttering a word.

I respected their marriage & I was aware of what I wanted in life.

There were delicate moments when they might want to initiate & take the whole bromance up to another level, but the thought of losing my friendship deterred them from touching me, inappropriately.

I chose to isolate myself from them because we are ultimately from 2 different worlds.

I am sure I would not fall in love with them(no physical body contact) but I do not know about them. (they tried to find a reason or excuse to touch me on my chest or my thigh).

I do miss them but I would wish them much love & joy with their family, from a distance.

I am wondering if it's the same for you?

[Guest daddy]

Now the litmus test.

If there's a handsome man in the gym & he strips naked in front of you before going for his shower,

would you 'rise' to the occasion?

I have straight married men who yearned to be closed to me.

They married out of obligation but they told me if they were given a 2nd chance, they would prefer to be single.

They are very comfortable with me as I listen without judgement & give good advice.

They want to shower with me & see me naked. They are not horny but they want to be truthful & inclusive. But I declined politely.

It's bordering between male bonding & homoeroticism. But not gay.

Are we attracted to each other? Yes, it's more like the brother you never had.

We enjoyed just being with each other, without uttering a word.

I respected their marriage & I was aware of what I wanted in life.

There were delicate moments when they might want to initiate & take the whole bromance up to another level, but the thought of losing my friendship deterred them from touching me, inappropriately.

I chose to isolate myself from them because we are ultimately from 2 different worlds.

I am sure I would not fall in love with them(no physical body contact) but I do not know about them. (they tried to find a reason or excuse to touch me on my chest or my thigh).

I do miss them but I would wish them much love & joy with their family, from a distance.

I am wondering if it's the same for you?

I usually am turned on by men who show some kind of attraction towards me. Doesn't even have to be Greek-god-like. (My wife says I have bad taste.) I guess I am drawn in by the perceived attraction, and not so much the person. Well, unless that person is completely revolting. Do I want touch them? If they are attractive, probably yes. Would I? Probably not, but would need a lot of struggle, will power and even external intervention. Same goes for a heterosexual married man. If a hot girl that fits his taste shows interest in him, he might be tempted. Does he want to touch her? Probably yes. Would he? Hard to say...it all depends. Honestly, I had been in similar situations but maybe not as drop dead gorgeous hunky as you. I withdrew from the person for a while to let the heat cool off and clear my head. That said, I am no saint. I am human. I had failed before, and have potential for more failings if I am not careful. So what is the litmus test for? Test for gay/bi readings? Test for fidelity and faithfulness? Test for humanness?

 

 

[ivan558]

Enlightening and interesting sharings there are .....................

 

How about from the angle of achieving a meaningful and enjoyable lifestyle

 

Leading a meaningful life, fulfilling your responsibilities to the best of your ability while enjoying yourself, be happy when there is opportunity.

 

Each of us is different and we live in our own meaningful and enjoyable way, can we ?

[mijsdlog]

To adopt Singaporean children, the priority is generally given to heterosexual legally married couples that had been wedded 3 years or more.  I have friends who had adopted children from Indonesia and China, that might not discriminate 'single parenting', but not sure if their response to openly declared gay relationships (which is technically not recognized in Singapore). The rules are constantly changing and tightening to curb human trafficking, and has direct link to political bilateral relations between countries, depending on which country's babies you are adopting. The Internet would offer information and stories. Be prepared that it can be an emotional and financially long drawn process.

Thanks for the insight. So in the case of an LGBT couple, only one of them is the official legal guardian.

 

Thanks for all the replies, I wanted to quote the replies here but that will be too tedious, so instead of that I am breaking my replies in paragraphs.

...

Marrying Man, I think you already know what you want. Perhaps you can start by coming clean to your gf. You love her but don't see her as the one you want to commit to. Expect her to be upset; she has the right to be. Daddy appears to have found his balance, but he has had to make compromises e.g. not allowing himself to act on any desire for physical intimacy with another man (or woman). Your needs may be different. You may not be ready to make the same compromises. You might not attain the same peace in an arrangement similar to his.

[lean n mean]

I am sad for your current girl friend and future wife. It is all about you. You are scared to be old and alone. Why do you and many people think they will be unhappy leading the single life? There are really others out there who doing okay being single. You are 40. You are old enough to really think things out for yourself. Ask yourself what is the worse that can happen and whether you can live with that. If you are suffering, is it fair to make others suffer with you too? Don't opt for the easy way out. You have already done it and look where it has lead you. 

[Guest frank]

A marriage with someone u REALLY love shd be something wonderful n to be happy for, isnt it?!

Since u r not feeling wonderful n happy abt it, it means u r not ready to do so.

If u yourself r not happy abt this marriage, how do u expect to b able to give happiness to ur future wife n children.

Btw, u r not young anymore, so pls grow up n solve ur own problem. N if u cant, pls dun get married or else ur future wife may need to help u solve many more probs in future.

[Guest Marrying Man]

Daddy- Thanks for sharing your story. One of my problem is I have a one track mind. I learnt from example since a child that the life cycle of a guy is getting married and then bringing up children so that became my desire. I am also the type who put in my best in anything I set my mind on. Which explains why once the relationship between my gf and I was set, all I wanted was the best for her and I wanted to be the best person for her and I refused to acknowledge the slightest hint that I might be gay because I cannot be gay and must not be gay. And after both of us planned together for our future we talked about kids and everything, I was even more set on the mission. I know you must be asking yourself how come I finally submitted to my gay tendency, that is a whole separate story.

Frendlee- Yes I already had sex with men, first time was not too long ago. I became an animal unleashed! 

[GachiMuchi]

Daddy- Thanks for sharing your story. One of my problem is I have a one track mind. I learnt from example since a child that the life cycle of a guy is getting married and then bringing up children so that became my desire. I am also the type who put in my best in anything I set my mind on. Which explains why once the relationship between my gf and I was set, all I wanted was the best for her and I wanted to be the best person for her and I refused to acknowledge the slightest hint that I might be gay because I cannot be gay and must not be gay. And after both of us planned together for our future we talked about kids and everything, I was even more set on the mission. I know you must be asking yourself how come I finally submitted to my gay tendency, that is a whole separate story.

Frendlee- Yes I already had sex with men, first time was not too long ago. I became an animal unleashed! 

 

Good. Since you had said that you "have a one track mind".

 

May I suggest that :

1. Stop having any more sex with men

2. Go get married and stay married.

3. No extramarital affairs with men.

4. Don't register as member or visit any gay forum or use any gay apps, etc.

 

All the best to you and your future.

 

Now get the fuck out of here! (in a nice way)

Edited June 19, 2013 by GachiMuchi

[Guest daddy]

Daddy- Thanks for sharing your story. One of my problem is I have a one track mind. I learnt from example since a child that the life cycle of a guy is getting married and then bringing up children so that became my desire. I am also the type who put in my best in anything I set my mind on. Which explains why once the relationship between my gf and I was set, all I wanted was the best for her and I wanted to be the best person for her and I refused to acknowledge the slightest hint that I might be gay because I cannot be gay and must not be gay. And after both of us planned together for our future we talked about kids and everything, I was even more set on the mission. I know you must be asking yourself how come I finally submitted to my gay tendency, that is a whole separate story.

Frendlee- Yes I already had sex with men, first time was not too long ago. I became an animal unleashed!

 

Sounds like the wedding bells might be ringing sooner than we thought. I am glad you know this marriage relationship is not just about you or her. It is about the both of you and your offspring. I strongly encourage you come clean with her, and see a relationship counsellor and/or a mature mentor-couple to work through (yours and hers) thoughts, feelings and behaviours before tying the knot. Periodic counselling in the course of the relationship after the wedding is good too. Many couples do that, it is like a 'health check-up'. My wife and I have a mentor-couple that we are good friends with, and they know all our relationship issues (including I am gay) and would check-in on us. They also share with us their relationship issues, even after being married for 30 years. We'd just attending their son's wedding. It had become mutual support. Best wishes! Enjoy the adventure!!!

[thaiboyz]

Your first paragraph has revealed what you are and your preference on men instead of women. You have to accept yourself and face the real you. Your gal friend has been kept in the dark all these years, you have actually wasted her time and deprived her opportunity to know her real man. To get married just to avoid your own loneliness and having children are excuses to your own advantage. If u put Urself in her shoe, it would be terrible unfair to marry to someone who isn't himself. If your interest is not in her, very soon you would lose interest in her, your affection to her would not meet her expectation and I am pretty sure she could feel it as women are generally more sensitive in these sorts of things. They have their needs which required her men to fulfill. Since u have declared yourself as a gay, you only can treat her as a good friend, it would be painful and stressful to go beyond that level. Think twice as marriage matter involves 2 parties. She is expecting a real husband. Ask yourself can u fulfill to play the role and refrain from future temptations? You would end up in messy and terrible situation if u mess around with guys once your wife happen to know your true self. The embarrassment not only on you but to her and related families.

However these are my opinions, you have to decide and make your move.

Edited June 20, 2013 by thaiboyz

[dannysuz]

Who said that a gay is not a real man ? Who said that this is a sin to be a gay ? Who said that a gay cannot be a real husband or real dad ? Is she felt the same, terrible unfair if her real husband has mistress after married ? Is she felt the same, terrible unfair if her real husband has many wife ?

 

Why make it so complicated ?  Be a proud gay. My advice is that be honest and tell your wife that you like to f both man and woman. If she accepted you as you are, get marry and have children.. be happy.   To me , some are still think that gay and HIV are 100% related and they cannot accept it. Explain to them and be safe.. Cheer. 

[snowball]

一个人要全面的承认并接受真正的自己并非易事, 内心的挣扎和对未来的未知无名更加的显得彷徨和无助。一般人总以为, 结婚再来生子就是人生的目的, 可笑的是, 养儿真的可以防老吗或是烦恼? 有了老婆就一定可白头偕老? 看看周围, 新的一代还依然会保存着传统的观念吗? 大多都会搬出去住, 儿大有自己的世界, 结婚有自己的孩儿后多少人还会惦记着年老的父母? 他们还不是会说钱不够用。更别把一切寄望托付给妻子, 那是自私和愚蠢的, 为什么要把自己的后半生寄托在别人身上? 人生有几个十年? 忠于自己, 人生才是圆满, 否则人生必定存有遗憾。 别为了结婚而结婚, 婚姻大事岂能儿戏, 婚姻因爱才完美, 切记。

Edited June 20, 2013 by snowball

[Guest Guest]

Evaluate all the points of view here in terms of your own strengths and weaknesses.

 

Being a married homosexual is nothing new in the history of the human race, history of Asian societies. Classifying yourself into a dichotomy of Gay vs Str8 is what is new. We have all probably had thousands of ancestors who have got through it, happy or not.

[Guest Guest]

Daddy- Thanks for sharing your story. One of my problem is I have a one track mind. I learnt from example since a child that the life cycle of a guy is getting married and then bringing up children so that became my desire. I am also the type who put in my best in anything I set my mind on. Which explains why once the relationship between my gf and I was set, all I wanted was the best for her and I wanted to be the best person for her and I refused to acknowledge the slightest hint that I might be gay because I cannot be gay and must not be gay. And after both of us planned together for our future we talked about kids and everything, I was even more set on the mission. I know you must be asking yourself how come I finally submitted to my gay tendency, that is a whole separate story.

Frendlee- Yes I already had sex with men, first time was not too long ago. I became an animal unleashed!

Mindset can be changed.

The best for her is your honesty.

You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with her.

You have tasted the 'forbidden fruit'& the good taste still lingers.

You are not only an animal unleashed(I presumed you are a TOP) but an imprisoned soul, raptured.

If you get married, you get 'locked up' again, together with your wife & your children.

If you care & is still have the capacity to love, free the souls of the living & the unborn.

Please.

[Guest Guest]

Sounds like the wedding bells might be ringing sooner than we thought. I am glad you know this marriage relationship is not just about you or her. It is about the both of you and your offspring. I strongly encourage you come clean with her, and see a relationship counsellor and/or a mature mentor-couple to work through (yours and hers) thoughts, feelings and behaviours before tying the knot. Periodic counselling in the course of the relationship after the wedding is good too. Many couples do that, it is like a 'health check-up'. My wife and I have a mentor-couple that we are good friends with, and they know all our relationship issues (including I am gay) and would check-in on us. They also share with us their relationship issues, even after being married for 30 years. We'd just attending their son's wedding. It had become mutual support. Best wishes! Enjoy the adventure!!!

Are we all invited to his wedding? Just pray that the guy that he had fun with is not a guest at the wedding.

Daddy, does your wife like girls, too?

If both of you are attracted to the same guy/gal, would there be a possibility for some 'menage toire'?

[Guest Guest]

I usually am turned on by men who show some kind of attraction towards me. Doesn't even have to be Greek-god-like. (My wife says I have bad taste.) I guess I am drawn in by the perceived attraction, and not so much the person. Well, unless that person is completely revolting. Do I want touch them? If they are attractive, probably yes. Would I? Probably not, but would need a lot of struggle, will power and even external intervention. Same goes for a heterosexual married man. If a hot girl that fits his taste shows interest in him, he might be tempted. Does he want to touch her? Probably yes. Would he? Hard to say...it all depends. Honestly, I had been in similar situations but maybe not as drop dead gorgeous hunky as you. I withdrew from the person for a while to let the heat cool off and clear my head. That said, I am no saint. I am human. I had failed before, and have potential for more failings if I am not careful. So what is the litmus test for? Test for gay/bi readings? Test for fidelity and faithfulness? Test for humanness?

Your wife is critical but funny, in a wicked way.

She is fascinating & intelligent, too.

What's your faith? Does your wife share the same?

If so, believing in a higher power helps to intervene you tasting the forbidden fruit (in this case, a banana ) ?

Now back to the litmus test.

Well, at least you are fully aware when your preference/loyalty/vulnerability get tempted all at once.

You still have the clarity & will power to know & stop.

Failing is okay, rather than others who could not get out of their 'samsara'.

Like moth to the fire.

[Guest Guest]

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/03/gay_husband_a_wife_wants_to_stay_married_to_her_closeted_mate_.html

[Guest daddy]

Your wife is critical but funny, in a wicked way.

She is fascinating & intelligent, too.

What's your faith? Does your wife share the same?

If so, believing in a higher power helps to intervene you tasting the forbidden fruit (in this case, a banana ) ?

Now back to the litmus test.

Well, at least you are fully aware when your preference/loyalty/vulnerability get tempted all at once.

You still have the clarity & will power to know & stop.

Failing is okay, rather than others who could not get out of their 'samsara'.

Like moth to the fire.

Haha! She is wicked! Thank you for asking about our faith. Yes, we are both Christians. I don't believe being gay is a sin, neither do I believe Christianity can 'cure' gay and make them straight. I do tell my pastors and closer friends that I am gay, even when I was serving in children's church and worship leading, etc.  My wife and I share an honest relationship. I'd always encourage her to speak her mind, and not to go with flow. We encourage each other to be real and authentic, give room to agree to disagree, to express our feelings, to ask questions and still be respectful and considerate towards others. One of our children has autism, and he taught us a deeper dimension of love, respect, embrace, acceptance, forgiveness and celebration. My wife and I share one FB account, have access to each others' email and bank accounts and I even showed her my comments (and yours!) on BW. That's just us. Please don't be like us. Be yourself! Your true self.

[TheVisitors]

I'm really lost. Please give me some advice anyone especially the married guys.

After so many years denial, I have come to the point of admitting to myself that I am gay. I can have sex with women but I prefer men and when comes to feeling I also love men more than women. I have a long term girlfriend. Should I carry on and get married? I know marrying a woman might be a mistake but I'm also not sure if I will regret taking the gay path it seems very tough. All my life I made plans to get married and have kids. It has come to a point for a final decision as my girlfriend as I are not so young anymore, I am 40. If I blew this marriage, that's it, I know I will end up single with no kids. I might meet a suitable gay partner but we will not talk about that now. 

So please tell me what to do. Married guys, I'm sure some of you have are familiar with this type of situation. 

Do you guys regret getting married?

Are you glad that you get married?

What are the problems you are facing now? How do you cope?

Is it worth getting married just to have kids?

Arghhhhhh.... So many things to consider. Please guide me! After this there are more problems for me- explaining to my girlfriend about leaving.

Gays who marry, are merely cheating  and denying themselves from the true happiness of who they really are.

 

You know, the biggest regret people confessed on their death bed, is regretting not leading the life they truly want to live, and being truly who they are.

 

If you can visualize this scenario , you will know what I mean.

 

You may envy guys who are born straight, yet despise yourself for being gay.

 

But let me tell you, the straight married world is not spared from their own matrimonial problems , or inner issues they have yet dare to deal with, before loving themselves and their spouses.

 

Some straight people even married for the wrong reasons, let alone you, being gay.

 

Recently, mixing around with some straight dudes who are going through hell and marriage separation with their spouses after 10 to 20 years together.

 

They know my sexuality and are very comfortable to have me around,  to tell me their problems.

 

And one said..

 

."  You, being gay, so carefree, free spirited and happy, you should be so glad for who you are, and the choices you have made for what you are today. But me, being straight, with a problematic marriage, can never be as happy as you..."

[Guest guest]

There is a new thread on a celebrity chef being charged for sexually abusing an underaged boy. He is MARRIED with three kids.

He may not have cheated on his wife by suppressing his gay orientation n not having fun with other guys after marriage. But see wat happens now. Isnt it more damaging to his loved ones?

But anyway, after following this thread for a while, i have a feeling that this is not a real problem faced by TS, it is just a topic for discussion. Just my feeling, no offence.

[Guest daddy]

There is a new thread on a celebrity chef being charged for sexually abusing an underaged boy. He is MARRIED with three kids.

He may not have cheated on his wife by suppressing his gay orientation n not having fun with other guys after marriage. But see wat happens now. Isnt it more damaging to his loved ones?

But anyway, after following this thread for a while, i have a feeling that this is not a real problem faced by TS, it is just a topic for discussion. Just my feeling, no offence.

He is a pedophile. Whether he is gay or straight is not the issue here. They are not same.

[Guest guest]

He is a pedophile. Whether he is gay or straight is not the issue here. They are not same.

Hi daddy,

My point is... if he had remain single n true to himself, he may not have preyed on innocent minors. I believe he may not neccessary be a paedophile, but at that moment of crime, he may have thot that by preying on a minor, his act may not be discovered cos the minor may not dare spk a word.

And if he had remain single, the wife n children will not have to go thru all this with him.

[mijsdlog]

Hi daddy,

My point is... if he had remain single n true to himself, he may not have preyed on innocent minors. I believe he may not neccessary be a paedophile, but at that moment of crime, he may have thot that by preying on a minor, his act may not be discovered cos the minor may not dare spk a word.

And if he had remain single, the wife n children will not have to go thru all this with him.

Faulty reasoning.

If he has paedophilic tendencies, he would still have paedophilic tendencies had he not gone into a heterosexual marriage. If he is not sexually aroused by minors, he would not have gone for a child.

The only correct statement is that he would not have had a wife and children to embarrass.

[Guest Guest]

He is a pedophile. Whether he is gay or straight is not the issue here. They are not same.

ed

Yes. Pedophile is a coward who pray on the young & innocent.

He derives his power thru this act.

[Guest Guest]

Haha! She is wicked! Thank you for asking about our faith. Yes, we are both Christians. I don't believe being gay is a sin, neither do I believe Christianity can 'cure' gay and make them straight. I do tell my pastors and closer friends that I am gay, even when I was serving in children's church and worship leading, etc.  My wife and I share an honest relationship. I'd always encourage her to speak her mind, and not to go with flow. We encourage each other to be real and authentic, give room to agree to disagree, to express our feelings, to ask questions and still be respectful and considerate towards others. One of our children has autism, and he taught us a deeper dimension of love, respect, embrace, acceptance, forgiveness and celebration. My wife and I share one FB account, have access to each others' email and bank accounts and I even showed her my comments (and yours!) on BW. That's just us. Please don't be like us. Be yourself! Your true self.

I had an NDE many years ago. I remembered that I was a spiritual being without any sexual identification. The only things I heard was "It's not your time yet", not "Are you gay or straight?"

It was beautiful, I experience love, as it should be, unconditionally.

What's your pastor reaction when you told him?

Let me guess? Hellaluah! hehe.

There's nothing wrong with both of you who are making the best of every situation & living each day with honesty & gratitude. Your child is an angel and a teacher. Both of you have been patient students and are very much loved in return.

"Love is Patience; Love is Kind........"

[Guest unmarried]

Hey guys,

Shall we stop commeting on this topic? Cos many have alrdy given their pt of views fr diff perspectives, n most importantly, the TS Marrying Man doesnt seem to be reading n replying anymore. Maybe he has alrdy made up his mind, n got married liao.

[Guest Guest]

Hey guys,

Shall we stop commeting on this topic? Cos many have alrdy given their pt of views fr diff perspectives, n most importantly, the TS Marrying Man doesnt seem to be reading n replying anymore. Maybe he has alrdy made up his mind, n got married liao.

Can't wait to see his face in his wedding pic? ((

His nxt Post - 'I regret not listening to BW mem/gts advice, now how to tell my new wife I want a divorce?' or

'When I was making love to my wife on our honeymoon, I kept thinking of a man below me. Is there something wrong with me?'

[Guest guest]

Can't wait to see his face in his wedding pic? ((

O

His nxt Post - 'I regret not listening to BW mem/gts advice, now how to tell my new wife I want a divorce?' or

'When I was making love to my wife on our honeymoon, I kept thinking of a man below me. Is there something wrong with me?'

I tink ths two topics more interesting leh :P:P

[Guest Marrying Man]

Here to update and after this I am going to fuck off from my nick as the “marrying man” like GachiMuchi asked me to as a joke.

I read through all your opinions and reviewed my thoughts, thanks very much for contributing since there are not many places or people I could turn to for problem like this. Besides this forum, I have spoken to counsellors anonymously, I looked through the internet and books for help, I have very few gay friends or even very few close straight friends and among these friends there is only one that I feel comfortable in sharing this problem with and in fact even with this guy, we started off just as acquaintance whom I see at least once a week but after a few meetings I find him to be someone that I was comfortable opening up to, he is very smart and very wise and he will be reading this because this was his idea that I post the question here after giving me his personal views. No, we never had sex since he didn’t allow me touching him but when he touched me all over I allowed that, he will get mad now reading this.

So anyway, before I placed my question in this forum, I was already 90% set on letting my gf. know about me and then leave. Now, with lots of moments to myself thinking things over, I have decided 100% not getting married.

I will spend the next few days doing some planning so the horrible news will create as little impact as possible to my gf. She will hear it from me by this weekend and I am not surprised our family will also get the news soon after. I cannot feel anything now and I don’t know about the future. So that’s it.

[Guest Really!]

From all the postings, has it never dawned on many of you guys who can swing both ways the feelings of the women and how confident women and men think?

 

Unfortunately there are many women , the immature, needy and self numbing and dumbing ones who will close all 3 eyes and tolerate their knight in shiny armour cavort with another prince charming. Many true cases are around; the latest being a fanatic, putting up a strong facebook posts in defence of her idol, whom everybody at the studio knows will never fall for her except herself. Strange there seems to be a lot of these type of women who are dead set to sacrifice their pride just to be with the man of their dreams/delusion. They even give up their feminity.

 

And this is where realistic guys who want to have fun but also their career and social status maintained play on the insecurities and weaknesses of these desperate spinners/spinsters (for those of you who know the background) by offering them  a relationship.

 

But is it really an honest or decent relationship to begin with. Even if the female is willing, it really takes a heart of stone to make her the object of hushed social ridicule and hypocritical admiration that what a good and understanding wife she is, even if she is the willing party. But as we know some men can sink real low and be real Sholess, or souless.

[MadMan]

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Do not live your live for others' approval.

 

Do not ruined hers and your lives just bcos you want to save hers and your "face".

[GachiMuchi]

Dear Marrying man,

It takes a brave man with courage to face his mistakes. I hope your girl friend and family will get over the initial shock and choose to forgive you for being honest. But I think most family would want what's best for you and would want to help you but maybe the way you want it.

Anyway, good luck and hope you visit us to keep yourself updated with the latest local news and or gossips or even some advice/s.

Till then.

[snowball]

有些事还是一步一步来, 如果要坦白, 就要知道如何切入重点, 还要懂得顾及她的感受。

地点时间都不可忽略, 做好心里准备, 做最坏打算, 说话也是一种艺术,

事情可能不如你想象中那么糟, 祝福你。

[Guest Guest]

Maybe you can ask your girlfriend if she is okay or not marrying a bisexual, and like in porn, you can do it with both man and woman. Who knows, you may be lucky and hit the jackpot. 

 

Life is so full of opportunities, and you never know unless you ask.

[Guest Guest]

Hweee..... One life saved! No, two lives, to be exact.

Time spent in this forum is worthy.

Guys, good job!!!!!!!

[jiang2046]

I believe two matured persons are able to sit down and discuss about it.

At least you give her an impression you are a very responsible and with sense of minds.

Talk to her sincerely and with opened heart.

I used to think that coming out of closet is something impossible for me and result very drastic consequences, but it turned out to be getting more support from family and friends.

Yes, people around us will get shocked when they know about it. Explain to them what is being gay all about, if they really concern about us,they will understand and accept us eventually.

All the best!

[ivan558]

Yes, isn't that a meaningful and enjoyable future to come for Marrying Man ................... :clap:

 

Fulfilling his responsibility to the best of his ability and seeking a happy life  for himself

 

Keep it up, man .............

[Guest daddy]

Here to update and after this I am going to fuck off from my nick as the “marrying man” like GachiMuchi asked me to as a joke.

I read through all your opinions and reviewed my thoughts, thanks very much for contributing since there are not many places or people I could turn to for problem like this. Besides this forum, I have spoken to counsellors anonymously, I looked through the internet and books for help, I have very few gay friends or even very few close straight friends and among these friends there is only one that I feel comfortable in sharing this problem with and in fact even with this guy, we started off just as acquaintance whom I see at least once a week but after a few meetings I find him to be someone that I was comfortable opening up to, he is very smart and very wise and he will be reading this because this was his idea that I post the question here after giving me his personal views. No, we never had sex since he didn’t allow me touching him but when he touched me all over I allowed that, he will get mad now reading this.

So anyway, before I placed my question in this forum, I was already 90% set on letting my gf. know about me and then leave. Now, with lots of moments to myself thinking things over, I have decided 100% not getting married.

I will spend the next few days doing some planning so the horrible news will create as little impact as possible to my gf. She will hear it from me by this weekend and I am not surprised our family will also get the news soon after. I cannot feel anything now and I don’t know about the future. So that’s it.

Happy for you. you sound really clear-headed and that you had given this issue a lot of thought. Best wishes to you and keep us posted on how it went. We are here for you if you need us...

Lots of love

[mijsdlog]

Here to update and after this I am going to fuck off from my nick as the “marrying man” like GachiMuchi asked me to as a joke.

I read through all your opinions and reviewed my thoughts, thanks very much for contributing since there are not many places or people I could turn to for problem like this. Besides this forum, I have spoken to counsellors anonymously, I looked through the internet and books for help, I have very few gay friends or even very few close straight friends and among these friends there is only one that I feel comfortable in sharing this problem with and in fact even with this guy, we started off just as acquaintance whom I see at least once a week but after a few meetings I find him to be someone that I was comfortable opening up to, he is very smart and very wise and he will be reading this because this was his idea that I post the question here after giving me his personal views. No, we never had sex since he didn’t allow me touching him but when he touched me all over I allowed that, he will get mad now reading this.

So anyway, before I placed my question in this forum, I was already 90% set on letting my gf. know about me and then leave. Now, with lots of moments to myself thinking things over, I have decided 100% not getting married.

I will spend the next few days doing some planning so the horrible news will create as little impact as possible to my gf. She will hear it from me by this weekend and I am not surprised our family will also get the news soon after. I cannot feel anything now and I don’t know about the future. So that’s it.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It started a meaningful discussion. We know it is not an easy decision, and I respect your courage. I hope it ultimately goes well for you, your gf, and your families. If you need to come here to discuss, look for advice or moral support, many of us here will respond. Or you might also eventually be willing to give some guidance to other guys in similar situations.

[lean n mean]

I can't empathize enough with the situation you are in. Stay strong. Stay focused. When it's over, and it will be, you will be glad you stay true to your feelings. You'll hurt some people initially but if they really love you, they will take some time to digest and then they will accept you. What's important is that you are learning to accept yourself as you are and beginning to free the shackles you fastened upon yourself. All the very best!