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Opinion Of Sharing Of Finances


Behrhunter

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I'm seeking some opinion here and will probably open a can of worms here. I hope that contributors can be debate in a more positive manner rather than mere flaming.

The history in brief-

My bf and I both have our own rented place. Mine is rented from a relative, one of the few reasons he avoids coming over and I have refused to let go of the place for several convenient reasons-

i. Preventing tongues from wagging if i had shifted out totally

ii. Avoiding the need to find a place if the relationship turns sour

iii. Bf's place cannot accomodate my stuff

Therefore I have stayed over at his place most of the time due to convenience. I stay over at his place at around 5 - 6 nights a week.

Since slightly more than a year ago he loss his job and had financial difficulties, since I stayed over at his place a lot I decided to chip in half of the rent.

During the period when he was jobless and up until now that he has found a job but with a salary not as extravagant as what he used to draw, he has been slowly pushing more of his finances over to me mostly the utilities, sometimes leisure activities.

I have voiced out that he is adding financial burden to me since I have my own expenses and family to support (I'm not sure if this is a norm, but a lot of my friends were shocked to hear that I give allowance to my parents) but he doesn't see it and things went on as they were even after telling him twice.

My thoughts aren't really very composed and are bogglling me, I apologise if they are jumbled up:-

- Do gay couples share financial responsibilities ?

- Did I do the right thing by trying to help my bf financially?

- I feel that, I have somewhat 'damaged' this relationship. Me helping in his finances has caused him not to strive in his career. Which was one of the factors that I look up to him when we first dated 3 years ago. I know how its like to be jobless, I was laid of during 9-11 economic crisis and it was not easy, but I don't feel that he is trying. I don't sense that kind of ambition anymore.

- Occasionally when we go out with my friends, I would pay for him 'behind the scenes.' But once in a while I if he thinks its too expensive for him. I suggested for him not to join us. I had done so in an expection to teach him how to manage your lifestyle and live within your own means. Unfortunately this has sparked into several arguments. From relatively harmless calling me an lousy bf till extreme situations like accusing me of having an affair outside.

Any thoughts? Almost everyone who has come to know about this situation has asked me to bail out but I still love him and have not cheated on him before.

I don't believe in breaking a relationship just cause of some hardship. But I this is really taking its toll on me and I would probably not be able to hold on for much longer.

NOTE- My bf is older than me (somehow everyone whom I've spoken with asks this almost immediately.

So why I ask this again since I've spoken to people? Well I don't want someone to give me an answer to my favour just cos they are my friend.

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You are both working adults with spending power, go Dutch when u go for meals, movies etc.

But for shared services like rent and utilities, split half.

Or

If he really loves you too as u said u do, open a shared acc, each of u put in fixed amt monthly of say 500 and deduct your mundane stuffs like rental, utilities, food from there.

Just some suggestions...

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Dont be calculative when it comes to neccesities.

Be calculative when it comes to luxuries.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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it is not only in gay relationship does such thing happens...

Since both of you is working, learn to live within your means and help him by not provoking him to spend outside of his. Like, don't frequent expensive eating places or hobbies that he can't afford. Quality and quantity time can be as expensive as a wine and as cheap as a popcorn with coke. In a relationship, i believe in this premise. Never the two of you will walk in the the same phase, one walks faster leaving the other behind but what matters is knowing that both of you have to adjust, one to slow down and the other to exert more, but more is expected to the one who walks faster.

Apologies if I feel this while reading your post, i just felt that you are not looking at this relationship (even from the start) for keeps - with your word (when it turns sour).... i know i maybe wrong and i hope I am for I am a believer of a happy ever after ending =)

Final note:

When you think you are being taken for granted, there is a bigger % that indeed you are....

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Great .. its really nice to be able to see things from how others see it.

Dip - I am aware that it happens for straight relationships as well but the thing is it should be considered a 'norm' in that sense since they have a common goal that does not or might not exist in the gay community. Eg. children, housing, support for extended family / in-law (unless you are both openly together). I know where you come from and can tell why you see that I don't see this relationship for keeps because what how I described the situation .. while the thought has crossed my mind .. I am still at it for the third year

Fab - I agree with you .. hahah unfortunately .. different people have different definitions of luxury. To someone .. occasional indulgence in Starbuck coffee is indulgence and luxurious thought many people consume it without even a thought.

Roti - I have similar mindset as you do.

Firday - If only things in life had simple equations like that. Most things in life has more than one determinant, but I like your thoughts. ;)

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I think your b/f is happy for you to continue to carry him. He needs to understand that it was only a temporary thing,whilst he gets back on his feet!

He's probably a little tired and lacking confidence and motivation?

As you said, you have already discussed this twice.

Explain that as from( you choose the date) you need to get your own finances back under control and you can no longer assist in helping him financially.

It's called 'tough love'.

He needs a good swift kick up the pants, so he can, again- stand on his own 2 feet.

You have given him an inch and he has taken a yard! It's all about 'give and take' in any relationship. Not take take and take all the time!

I hope it all works out and you both live happily ever after! :thumb:

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Guest Ironrod

Hey Dude,

I am the older guy in my r/s too.

In life there is UPs and DOWNs and this is where the real test of love comes in.

I think you have to sacrifice for him if you really love him.

When I was jobless, my bf and I only does simple stuff swimming, walk in the park, eat hawker, watch FREE TV.

He rejected most of the friends invites giving all sorts of excuses just to save money for me.

For 6 months it was only 2 of us [yes, I got burn out and only start looking for a job after a 6 months break but I continue to provide for my mom/dad and pay my house so he understands I don't have the extra cash] Even after getting a job it took me another 6 months to return to be the man I use to be because previously I only eat 2 meals a day and loses a lot of muscle mass so I wasn't looking really fantastic. That year my bf was very supportive even though I can see he is worry abt me.

My point is this is a real test of love.

You can help him indirectly, like moving in with him so that it justify you helping him offset some of bills. He has to accommodate your "stuff" in return so that you don't feel short-changed. You will have to sacrifice too by doing activities which is "FREE" and eating cheaper food or maybe even cook! If your friends are real, they will understand your situation.

I don't know what kind of MAN your bf is, you will have to be the judge if he is worth it or not.

For me, I am that kind of MAN which remember kindness because of that year my loves sacrifice and patience makes me strive to be a better man :D so now I earn double of him and I bring him to nice places and treat him once in a while. He stays with me now and i only ask him to pay $250 as a token of rental.

I hope both of you will survive this test of love - cheers!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest elgar90

Hmm. I didn't get into much relationships. But one thing I know is that nothing last for a life time. Even if you are married, your spouse will leave you one day (i meant illness). So protect yourself too. Don't spend too much of your finance into it, if you don't feel that the r/s will last. I dunno, perhaps its jus my phobia, after spending so much effort, love and finance, many a times things don't turn out as it should be. Advice: Be on guard even if you love your bf alot=D

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In ANY r/s, things are always rosy when good; everything else will be rotten when bad.

Both are working adults, one must always learn to manage his own finances. No doubt he maybe jobless, necessary adjustment is a must. Houses, cars, lifestyle are personal matters and must be managed personally. Holidays, meals, shopping, may sometimes be a form of luxuries and can be shared or paid for by one party.

I was, hit by hard times before. Even then, i continue to manage my own finances: provide for family, take public transport instead of driving, eat at home or when eat out, only hawker food etc etc.....Fortunately, i have a very caring bf who has been be supportive of me, and that makes me a richer person (emotionally). We are still very much together. :lol:

You must learn to say NO at times. True love doens't comes in the form of monetary, but of feelings, appreciation and understanding. I hope all is well for you and him. :)

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I can understand the history and you are were you are. That said I noticed that you didn't mention if your bf does anything for you, takes you to movies, buys dinner etc. It might not be the case but I thought I should ask because some time in these situations we need to look at things from a singular perspective because we are not happy with the situation. If your bf is sharing within his means then that's good. I guess you just need to draw new boundaries within your relationship. If he isn't and is leaning on you for everything then that's not so good and you need to decide how you are going to put your foot down. The problem is of course when you love the guy that becomes harder. But if it's causing you distress and has the potential to hurt your relationship as a result then it's better out in the open. Sit your bf down an explain the situation to him, remain calm and don't loss your cool when your you are talking to him. Remember from his perspective that he might also not be in a good place, he's come from a good salary to a not so good salary and no doubt is not happy to have to lean on you, he may even be rude about. Communication is the key here, and I guess you both need to talk about both sides of the issue from your individual perspectives to each other. And by talk I mean really talk, from the heart.

Hugs to you both!

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  • 3 months later...

Wow, thanks for all the feedback .. I didn't know that so many had replied.

Ordinary - Glad to know that I am not the only one. I indulge him in luxuries once in a while, maybe an average of once every 2 - 3 weeks .. nice meals. Sometimes buy small stuffs for him when I happen to bump into it. But he has started to demand for things which I didn't really like.

Passinthenight - Yes he is, which was why I felt that sometimes that by helping him I have harmed him. But I believe that supporting someone financially for more than 1.5 years was more than enough for you to get your butt on track again. I have tried to explain the part that i need my own finances back on track but he doesn't believe me when I say that the financial responsibility has increased.

IronRod - I am really glad to hear that your relationship is back on track. The problem is I am the one scaling down my own lifestyle in order to support him but he still wants the life of the 'luxuries.' He doesn't want to do "FREE" STUFF! He still demands for fine dining, and for clubbing and even travelling. I have cut down on my social life so much that I even meet with my friends only like once a month. And all my friends know and totally respect me. Sometimes I give just to pamper him (bought a fully paid trip which he had insisted to fly instead of taking a coach .. which he has insisted to go during peak period .. when i suggested going somewhere further during off peak at the same price- ok fine .. i know this might make me look really stingy like what he called me :P ) but in the end he just asks for more.

Actually just to share, on NYE I prepared champagne at home ... and we got into an argument cos he wanted to dine + clubbing.

Well, I now know what kind of MAN he is now. I have called it off, and he now blames me for his financial status :).

Seeker - He seldom buys me anything but in his defense, I discourage him to buy me anything, even from his toiletries to his handphone its something that I bought for him. Once in a blue moon he buys me dinner, not necessarily expensive one but I'm happy. In general he is leaning on me for not all but almost everything. I have done the sitting down calmly episode the third time already and he blew up again. Which was why I had decided to give it up even though I still love him.

Thank you all for such informative feedback. I think most of us would know that there are many factors that affect one's decisions and this just happens to be one of the many. There's no way possible that I could pen down every single thing that happens through this forum faithfully partially also due to the fact that it may reveal too much of who he is in real world. I may not be an angel myself I have made my decision and am not regretting. Hugs all

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am glad u have finally decided to call it off. If after 3 times of discussing and still doesn't work, then it means you are been taken advantage of. I had this short relationship with tis older guy b4, and into the 2nd month, he already asked me to pay for his credit card bills amounting to 35K. I was shocked cos I only started working at that time and only had 16K and when I told him that, he replied "Huh? So little only? I to u would at least have 20K!". I was dumbfounded ! I left him after that and invested all my money in the stock market. I reaped back many times that amount after 5 years. So go figure which one is a better investment ! :thumb:

Serve my fellow bottom men well !

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