Possible To Live A Secret Life? Happily Closeted (Compiled)

[Guest Goering]

hi all,

i'm bi curious, well, mostly leaning gay, and i'm wondering if its possible in living a secret life from my parents?

My parents are extremely homophobic and I just do not want to hurt them at all. I'm considering living single in the eyes of my parents but open for relationships in my personal life.

well, i won't mind having a girlfriend, but simple cuddling is as far as I can go, because, i have this logic that its the mind that people fall in love with when it comes to serious relationships, and that a girl's inner mind is the same as a guy's inner mind, aiyah its all confusing lah...

maybe im in a phase where i just dont know what i want.

[Guest Goering]

ah i see, thanks for the reply! =D

[Manbane]

Just don't tell till you are more sure. Anyway when you are more sure about who you are, things will come naturally.

When i was twenties, i worry about such things. Worrying about what others will think if i am gay and such.

Now at thirties, this kind of issue is no longer that important to me. Life is just too short to be tied down over such things.

I also have friends in their thirties who have not told their parents. Even my partner who has been together with me for

several years are still not out to his parents. Just doesn't seem that important after awhile.

[Clickclock]

Just don't tell till you are more sure. Anyway when you are more sure about who you are, things will come naturally.

When i was twenties, i worry about such things. Worrying about what others will think if i am gay and such.

Now at thirties, this kind of issue is no longer that important to me. Life is just too short to be tied down over such things.

I also have friends in their thirties who have not told their parents. Even my partner who has been together with me for

several years are still not out to his parents. Just doesn't seem that important after awhile.

wow! did not kno its acutally possible.

i'm goering btw

Edited January 17, 2011 by clickclock

[TheVisitors]

If you would rephrase your question - is ist possible to live in a life with a fear about myself - I think you would see a much clearer picture where you are actually heading and leading your life.

Just take some time to look at this question/line and ask yourself quietly.

You either live in a life, accepting yourself living life freely and fully as much as you can. Or you live in fear, always hiding in a facade, always living in someone else's shadow, but never your own light, where it navigate you want you really want and who you really are.

Your parents, a girl you want fitting your expectations, and your fears.

And you wanna form a very balance equation from these three elements.

But these elements are alive and it is variable. You cannot control others to fit your scheme just because you live in a fear.

The more you control, the more your fear will grow, then the lesser you have the power over yourself.

And the more mess you would create for your life eventually.

Think about it. Good luck dude.

Edited January 17, 2011 by TheVisitors

[briax]

hi all,

i'm bi curious, well, mostly leaning gay, and i'm wondering if its possible in living a secret life from my parents?

My parents are extremely homophobic and I just do not want to hurt them at all. I'm considering living single in the eyes of my parents but open for relationships in my personal life.

well, i won't mind having a girlfriend, but simple cuddling is as far as I can go, because, i have this logic that its the mind that people fall in love with when it comes to serious relationships, and that a girl's inner mind is the same as a guy's inner mind, aiyah its all confusing lah...

maybe im in a phase where i just dont know what i want.

I think most of the folks here already said what you should know. I guess my input will be:

a. Dun get into a relationship with a girl (or a guy) hoping it will 'fix' a problem. It will cause more unnecessary stress for yourself and you may end up more unhappy with yourself

b. While I hope more people can be more comfortable with coming out, everyone has a different family and situation to deal with. Come out when it is safe for you emotionally. It is really pointless to come out to anyone if you are still unsure. And if at the same time you faced rejection from your loved ones, it will just make your journey harder. Remember coming out is not just to others, it is also to yourself.

[thorzguy]

It's not so much of a secret life. It's more of a personal preference of your life.

Lots of people i know, including my partner and me, have not disclosed ourselves to our own parents. For me, i make it a stand that i have no intention of getting married. (though i did think of marriage years back when i had my gfs). As for my partner, i guess his mum kind of know; just fall short of saying: "hello son, you gay ah? is xxxxx (me) your bf?" As a matter of fact, i can gel well with his family, especially his mum. She even joked once: "now i gotten another son".. (my partner is the only son).

The most important aspect is to live a life to yourself, and of course, not hurting others. You mentioned your parents are homophobic, so be it. That's nothing wrong. Your personal life of having a bf, partner isn't going to affect them. Worse, do not even get any ladies involved. It will not only NOT help to solve the problem, but probably add woes to it.

Take time to think what you want. The answer lies in you.

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

Anyone's happy being in the closet? No one really knows yet I'm attracted to men. For the moment, I feel I'm comfortable having the single life and in the closet. So, I'm just curious if there's someone here who doesn't mind being in the closet and alone. I'm twenty five by the way. =)

[Slynn]

I think I am.

Sometimes I think if there's something wrong with me since I'm still feeling alright with being single and staying in the closet. I actually think that I will regret when I get older, that I have not came out sooner. But I didnt care eventually. I mean, there are so many other things to be busy with right now at the early twenties

Of course, things may get even happier if i have came out. But even though I have not, I'm still pretty happy now

In fact, I'm so happily closeted that it actually creates a paranoia for me. Like what will happened if i ever come out? Certain friendships will definitely be shaky after that. But I have told myself that it's ok if anything like that happens, new people will come along. hurhur

I dont mind being alone. It's just that I feel that I shouldn't be alone anymore. Especially so after seeing all my friends getting attached one by one. lol. And thinking about random stuff like "how does it feel like to be deep in love?"

[Wilbur]

There's nothing wrong with being happily closeted.

I came out early last year. Slowly told my closest friends that I'm gay. And the hardest part? Convincing them that I really am. Most of them wouldn't believe and think it's a prank. Which was surprising. And the best thing for me was that all of them accepted me for who I am. So I'm happy

And while coming out, I live by this quote: "Those who minds don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I've never been happier since. And oh, I'm turning 24 this year.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Wilbur

[GaaraOfDdesert]

honestly im still fighting with myself. i dont want and i dont have a plan to show out. im fighting with myself in the sense that im still hopping that ill becoe straight one day. ive been in a lot of relationship with girls but just come and go. on the other hand ive never dream or felt love to a guy. for me they attracted just for lust. but the most important thing is im very happy being single now. just wanted to meet guys with my same feather.

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

And thinking about random stuff like "how does it feel like to be deep in love?"

I felt in love deeply once, last year =). That being said, actually I've already opened my closet once. Well, one falls in love for different reason. For me I think it helped me go through the agony of self-acknowledgement. Unfortunately , love's only one side and he's now a Christian, even so supportive of 377A. But it's fine. Nowadays, work, photography, movies, reading keep me busy enough.

Hope you find one =)

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

There's nothing wrong with being happily closeted.

I came out early last year. Slowly told my closest friends that I'm gay. And the hardest part? Convincing them that I really am. Most of them wouldn't believe and think it's a prank. Which was surprising. And the best thing for me was that all of them accepted me for who I am. So I'm happy

And while coming out, I live by this quote: "Those who minds don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I've never been happier since. And oh, I'm turning 24 this year.

Things are different for me. It was so hard two years ago when I started thinking who I was going to be and my future and such. Then I deliberately decided to keep distance from my friends. I came from religious circle by the way. So now I live by myself and haven't met them ever since except one or two occasions when we bumped each other, I kept it short nonetheless.

Hope things always go well for you =)

[wheeze]

Things are different for me. It was so hard two years ago when I started thinking who I was going to be and my future and such. Then I deliberately decided to keep distance from my friends. I came from religious circle by the way. So now I live by myself and haven't met them ever since except one or two occasions when we bumped each other, I kept it short nonetheless.

Hope things always go well for you =)

Ah, do you keep in touch with other/new friends though? Or are you close to your family? Or perhaps deeply religious and believe in God?

You'll need at least one of these for support if things ever get rough for you down the line. Otherwise it'll be all too easy to succumb to depression and the like.

Also, are you sexually active? I came from a religious circle too and it took me a long long time to do anything sexually, 'cos you know, sex outside marriage is "wrong".

[SeannyShortcake]

It kinda is dependent on your circumstances.

Like how I don't go around sashaying in camp because of the sensitivity of the work environment.

And I have to deny questions of my sexuality there too.

But everywhere else,I'm a queer boy.

[luke84]

same as above, i'll prefer to be stay in the closet.

will this make my current friendships with straight friends closer/better? no

will this make it worse? it may.

therefore i see no need to come out.

i am myself when i'm with them, and i do have a few aj friends, that's enough.

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

Ah, do you keep in touch with other/new friends though? Or are you close to your family? Or perhaps deeply religious and believe in God?

You'll need at least one of these for support if things ever get rough for you down the line. Otherwise it'll be all too easy to succumb to depression and the like.

Also, are you sexually active? I came from a religious circle too and it took me a long long time to do anything sexually, 'cos you know, sex outside marriage is "wrong".

That's the problem. I'm afraid if that feeling of suicide or to disappear comes again. For now, I'm not close to anyone including family, but i don't have problems with them either. God is out there watching in silent, so I don't bother Him either. Sexually, I'm only active in my closet but nothing much, just porn and wanking. =]

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

It kinda is dependent on your circumstances.

Like how I don't go around sashaying in camp because of the sensitivity of the work environment.

And I have to deny questions of my sexuality there too.

But everywhere else,I'm a queer boy.

To know that you're 19, I'm nothing as brave. =]

[tgdly]

I just want to say - I completely feel your pain. My parents are christian, I was raised christian, I was in christian schools, so most of my friends and acquaintances from childhood were christian. I exited the religion when I was 15, for reasons mostly unrelated to my sexuality. Sometimes I feel a bit robbed, you know. I spent so many years forming relationships with people who are now separated from me by this massive, unbridgeable ideological chasm. Mostly I just avoid them, because I have enough baggage of my own without having to contend with theirs.

On coming out, I go back and forth.

On one hand, why is the burden on gay people to come out? Why do people need to know? Straight people don't have to announce their sexuality. Friends don't need to tell each other whether they like BDSM or watersports. Why is which gender you are attracted to so important?

On the other, I sometimes worry that these things, while valid, may be sheltering the more insidious ones like internalized homophobia or self-loathing. If I am comfortable with who I am and do not feel that it is shameful or wrong, then why should I be afraid of anybody knowing or finding out? I fear judgment, I guess, irrationally, and the thought of having to repeatedly endure the usual bigotry disguised as naive "questions" or "concerns" is pretty exhausting. But their inability to accept me for who I am is not a failure on my part. I can say these things and mean them, but knowing isn't the same as feeling. I'm working on it.

[Guest Guest]

honestly im still fighting with myself. i dont want and i dont have a plan to show out. im fighting with myself in the sense that im still hopping that ill becoe straight one day. ive been in a lot of relationship with girls but just come and go. on the other hand ive never dream or felt love to a guy. for me they attracted just for lust. but the most important thing is im very happy being single now. just wanted to meet guys with my same feather.

Denying and avoiding it is not the way, been there done that. You will be tired mentally and spiritually. U can hide from others but can never hide from yourself. Go and find out what you want, what you like and who you are. Dun just treat every guy like a sex object bcos some can be great friends. Also work on accepting yourself. Life is short, be yourself and be true to yourself!

[Guest Cloud Atlas]

Just want to thank you for the replies. It's been a help to be able to talk this out. I guess life's choice.