How To Make More Gay Friends? - Newbie Gays "how To" Guide (Compiled)

[Friendly]

3 cheers from me for being such a good writer and if you are serious about what you want in your life at this young age of yours i would have to say.. Uncle friendly here advised you to build your pillars strong before erecting the walls.. I hope you understand my message.. In short.. have a mind set about your career first and on off just be yourself and have some fun but no strings attached. Having some fun also means doing what you like and that include sports and everythings else.. Be happy and work hard.. good luck. cheers again i know you would have a good and happy ending..

[Guest Guest]

there is nothing wrong in not having a date or bf at all up till this point in life. dun rush into it or get pressurized into it by other people.

i think what u need now is gay friends and not bf. u need people of the same context for company, physically and emotionally.

i presume u are still in the closet. once u are out and get to experience the gay society, your perspective might change totally.

get to know more people and then decide what u are looking for in a bf. and as most would have said, he will just come naturally.

[Guest danite]

chill.... i'm more than a decade older and never been to sauna either

plenty of gay men who don't go sauna and grind i think... so you are normal

[Guest Thaiboyz]

A person who has yet get to know others is normally curious and excited. Since it's nvr easy to enter a relationship, you should have an open mind and heart while embarking yr first step into this sophisticated AJ world. You will experience and learn along yr way, it won't be a smooth journey and bare in mind that you will stronger with every hurdles you hv cleared, there would be laughters and tears, love and hatred, thrills and disappointments to mold you for challenges ahead. Remember to gear up and move on with failures, hope for the better and prepare for the worst. Nothing is perfect, you hv to learn to close one eye ( even both ) in many situations especially in AJ relationships, knowing it can be superficial at times.

Go ahead to get yourself prepared

[GachiMuchi]

You should read the advice given by those uncles above.

1. Get settled with a good career.

2. Get out and open up your circle of gay friends.

3. Register a BW account, so others can Private Message (PM) and vice versa.

4. Join those activities organised by BW members in the forum.

There are Good men and "women" around, but you must first step into the jungle before you can spot them. Standing outside the fence looking in don't bag you any good ones maybe except those confused or Bi guys who still don't know what they want.

[Guest Ironrod]

In additional to what GM says

If you want to be a princess and wait for your knight in shining armor to come pick you up then I hope you look like a "princess".

The first step of being gay for you should be how to identify between jerks and great lover - good luck into the jungle of flesh and desire

[Guest MEDIC]

In additional to what GM says

If you want to be a princess and wait for your knight in shining armor to come pick you up then I hope you look like a "princess".

The first step of being gay for you should be how to identify between jerks and great lover - good luck into the jungle of flesh and desire

Me thinks this is something we all should keep in mind, haha.

[Guest Guy Born This Way]

Hmm actually I think I would prefer older, more mature men. Such guys are likely to be established in their career and can guide me along in life. Sometimes an older man's wit and life experiences can totally turn me on much more than hotbods and looks! Ever heard of the term silver fox?

Alright, so what's the usual events BW forum organise? Got any normal ones or not? Like playing some sports, going travelling. Healthy activities that does not necessarily aim to have sex eventually lol. I really duno about the gay world.

[Guest Guy Born This Way]

I understand your feelings, as l am experiencing a similar situation like you...(me being very discrete about my sexuality...)

Although the thought of being alone and single sometimes may be disheartening, still there are many things to focus in life besides relationship at this point of life...(eg. career)

Following gachi's advice should be good for a start (that's what I'm doing)...so far I have achieved 1 & 3, have yet to fulfill criteria number 2. And if I have gained enough courage to open up to more people, number 4 would be an interesting recreational activity to consider.

All boils down to what you want at the moment...

1. Is rather easy to achieve. I'm not in elite Medicine or Law, but I'm definitely gonna get a decent job when I graduate. That's quite confirmed.

2. This can be done simultaneously with no. 1

3. I really duno how to create an account lol. I tried the other day but it needs to like register with email and must wait for moderator approval or smthing. My previous application has no reply thus far.

4. I would love to join activities that are fun, healthy and meaningful!

Haha how old are you? You are also looking for a good man? I'm not even 1 toe nail into the circle, but isn't getting a good man (or woman for heterosexuals) inherently what everyone wants? I love kids, and I really think any gays that's absolutely committed to have kids like Neil Patrick Harris, Matt Boomer are truly good man to add on to their supernova hotness! Are you a good man?

[Guest cupid]

You 2 are so meant together haha.

[EasleyLim]

Aww TS, I hope you get what you want. Maybe I'll hit a stage like yours but so far still quite comfy with my single life <3

[iced_tea]

Thread starter,

3. I think you need to click the button/link on the top right that says resend verification email. Check email, click on verification link and it works! At least that was the way for me.

You are actually not alone in that there are many many many people who feel the same way as you.

[hiaoshu]

hmm.

mr born-this-way,

you say you are an undergraduate. well do you have any gay friends in uni? why not?

if you say you are not into ONS etc but are more interested in a long-term soul mate (am i right?) then you should start with friends first. ppl you can click with and clique with as "just friends" - affection and caring without the sexual side.

and yes they have to be gay because having a straight bromance is not going to get you where you want to go.

to answer your question: such good men are all around you. yes they are. just as you are "invisible" to your classmates and coursemates and sports and clubmates, yup, even church-mates, so are the people like you "invisible" to you. so how do you make yourself visible? you need to come out as being gay. all you need is one gay friend in school and they can connect you to the whole network.

and guess what? there are a lot more gay ppl in singapore who are not on BW, Grindr, Fridae etc etc etc than are. What you are seeing at these places is just the tip of the ice-berg. depending on what faculty you are in anything up to 1/5 of the guys in your class are gay. out of that there will be many who share your values and your dreams. just think about it out of your 400 facebook friends who are male as many as 80 might be gay. (maybe even more! ok ok so it might be less too, but we are still talking 10s rather than single digits.)

the next time you are with a group of friends just put it out there: what your dream is. you may want to word it vaguely at first - like using the word partner rather than "husband" or "wife". but over time you should drop some clues that the partner you are looking for is male rather than female. i think this has ceased to be an issue with 90% or more of undergraduates so you don't have much to lose.

oh coming out to a girl friend works too. chances are she will know at least one more of your circle who is gay. well maybe not your immediate circle but someone you know and have seen around the place and whom she can easily introduce to you.

and hold on to your knickers. however tempting it may be do NOT do anything sexual with the first few people you meet (who may very well try to seprate you from your undies.) make it clear (by your actions) that you are looking for JUST friends and you will find many more potential soul mates.

on the other hand once you have a "bad" rep you will be amazed how many new friends will pop-up. they will be able to keep you busy until you graduate.

Edited March 16, 2012 by hiaoshu

[TheAntisen]

Don't rush it, just live your life, do what makes yourself happy. You will eventually find someone you are interested in. Then it depends on whether you just want to be good friends or entertain a relationship.

One thing I've learned in my short, inexperienced life is that whatever happens, happens. You might meet the best friend of your life tomorrow for all you know, or your worst enemy. Just go with the flow and make the best of it.

However it doesn't hurt to push yourself a bit by throwing yourself out there. You can join a club that interests you so that you can bond with people and expand your social circle.

[GachiMuchi]

3. I really duno how to create an account lol. I tried the other day but it needs to like register with email and must wait for moderator approval or smthing. My previous application has no reply thus far.

Guy born that way,

Please do not post your ad on the Main forum which is meant for discussion only. Register and post your Ad "looking for a Good man" in the Personal folder.

Please check your "Junk E-mail" folder for the confirmation email. (provided the email you provided was correct."

I don't want to berate you but, I don't see why uncles are able to register and young grad kids like you don't know how to register.

Go read the guideline and rule and understand more about BW. http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=67

[imchaser]

3. I really duno how to create an account lol.

I don't want to berate you but, I don't see why uncles are able to register and young grad kids like you don't know how to register.

LIKE!

I agree immensely.

Sounds like someone whos full of excuses or just immensely incompetence.

Gay life is not a fairy tale out here.

[Guest Guest]

Guy born this way, you just like most people, too full and think highly of yourself, simple guy don't ask much but you are over, when you want good man but are you really one of them? are you really worthy? stop assuming and thought you are naive, too good for normal people, cos not into gay scene does not make you noble either, you are as normal as anyone.

[Guest Guy Born This Way]

Hi guys, I'm back from mugging, today's a long day; gosh. So anyway, I'm not sure if this is normal here to type long post, but I personally love long email, written messages etc, it always feel that there are much more effort put in =)

Derrick8: Hmm I think one's avoidance to visit sauna might not qualify one as a good man (Hao nan ren). I only thought that frequent casual flings isn't healthy. STDs aside, there are also other fun and healthy things to do. Offhand, I can think of tennis, shopping, oh and reading! Tennis is so awesome. I have been playing for around 3 years and there is not a single week where I feel uneasy when I miss my game for whatever reasons.

I don't smoke too! I simply HATE the smell since young. It's financially unsound and does nothing good to my health. I'm recollecting my thoughts and realised that most of my closer friends don't smoke too. Maybe birds of the same feathers flock together.

Actually getting married and having kids has always been an integral part of my life. I like kids in general, and think it's a noble duty to take care of them. Heck, if I'm not gay, I'll probably be in a stable relationship with a woman now and getting married in a few years time. Statistically, it's just so much easier to find a Hao Nu Ren than a gay Hao Nan Ren. I just love kids. Whenever I'm with my nephew (he's only 6), I always encourage him to question and speak his mind. There was once when I tried explaining to my nephew the idea of evil when my brother commented that he's only 6 and probably too young to understand. Basically I was telling him that not everyone whom gone to prison are bad - political prisoners aren't necessarily evil.

Easely Lim: I hope the best for you too! I think at the end of the day, all of us wants to be in a stable relationship, with that special someone whom belong only to us. Some prefer to play around and I think it's perfectly fine. But for me, I want it now, a Hao Nan Ren.

iced_tea: Noted!

hiaoshu: Yeah I have always use the term "partner" and "soulmate"! I've never used the term "girlfriend" in all my speeches. Ok, the only time when I mentioned "girlfriend" is when I thought I'm bisexual last time.

TheAntisen: can you tell me what club you are talking about? Do you mean a club that's exclusively gay where civil gay people join to make friends, interact etc? Pardon my foolishness, but some things you guy thought very common sense to lay man, is really not common sense to me. Advice me! On a side note, there's a guy in my school whom I think is a nice man. He is into reading, intellectual films and has a very very very pleasant personality. I mean, the type that has super good temper, very understanding and very open minded. But thing is, I'm not sure if he's gay and I don't wanna ruin the relationship. He'll make a really good bro as well.

GachiMuchi imchaser: Ok fine. I'm lazy. Sorry. I wanted to register an account last time because I wanna post replies for funny topics and to look at hot bods! I feel that you guys can consider changing the forum setting. Nowadays, even free trial for expensive software do not require moderator approval, why not make this forum register-start posting instead, that would be more user friendly! Anyway, I didn't know the personal sub forum was for hookups. Lol, I didn't read the smaller prints. I thought its a place for ppl to find room for rent, sell underwear etc. I mean, like very normal stuff. I check out the forum just now and WOW.... tonnes of postings for hookups! Ok I'll stick to my thread and you guys continue to be nice boys or uncle to me ok?

Guest: You pompous buffoon should learn to be more civil. My post did not reek the slightest trace of ego-centrism. Go and attend grammar classes and learn what's run-on sentence you trash. Stop taunting civilized people with your cheap, tasteless jibes. No wonder Yaccob Ibrahim proposed Singapore to adopt online social etiquette through constitutional amendments, it's because of crass-life like you.

[Clickclock]

wow, that's really deeps, thank you for sharing

[TheAntisen]

TheAntisen: can you tell me what club you are talking about? Do you mean a club that's exclusively gay where civil gay people join to make friends, interact etc? Pardon my foolishness, but some things you guy thought very common sense to lay man, is really not common sense to me. Advice me! On a side note, there's a guy in my school whom I think is a nice man. He is into reading, intellectual films and has a very very very pleasant personality. I mean, the type that has super good temper, very understanding and very open minded. But thing is, I'm not sure if he's gay and I don't wanna ruin the relationship. He'll make a really good bro as well.

Just clubs in general, not club clubs (I've never been to a gay club before lol) but stuff like a choir group or something, just anything that helps bring you 'out there' a little. I'm sure there are more direct ways, but I'm not experienced enough with that to give an answer (I'm only 19 haha).

As for this friend of yours, why not try to get close and hang out with him and stuff? Then you can just casually say that you're gay or that you are interested in guys I've always wanted to try this 'tactic' where I'm hanging out with a friend and I randomly ask him if he thinks that a male passer-by is hot lol. Then if he's shocked, I'll be all "What? I like guys, problem?"

So yeah, if he's cool with it, then that's great. If not, then ah well... his loss.

One thing I discourage is revealing any sorts of affection/infatuation/feelings you might have of him, especially if you come out to him and he tells you that he's straight (or if he shows no inclination to being gay, or even interested in entertaining it). Chances are that if he's interested in you, it'll be really obvious. If you have to nit-pick at every small little thing he does, then you're reading too much in to it.

I had two very close male friends in my secondary school days. I came out to both of them. The difference was that I confessed my feelings to one of them, and things became really strange. I had reason to believe that he had feelings for me based on his actions, but thing's just got awkward, and we drifted apart. We still meet up every now and then, like once a year or so, but he's very uncomfortable around me... especially when we're alone :/

Once the big L-word is out... there's no turning back. Just imagine if you have a very close friend who is a girl that suddenly confesses her feelings to you. It'll just be weird from then on because there's always that feeling where every little thing you do might give her the wrong signal. It's a big mess really, so only do it when you're totally ready to face the risks and rejection. There are people who are cool with it, and have an open mind, but just be aware.

As for my other friend, we're still great friends, nothing weird what so ever. He's straight, I'm gay, no big deal. I enjoy chiding him about how he is completely hopeless with girls and how I'll be able to easily score the girl of his dreams if I were straight

[devil90boy]

hmmm, I would love to have kids too but I wouldn't go so far as to migrate, I dont really hate this peaceful country even though its not open to homosexual marriage yet or even homosexuality itself. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so you'll definitely find someone whom is good, just how much effort and luck you have to make him yours is left to do. Of course it must work both way =/. All the best to you =)

[Guest guyherealways]

Hmm -guy born this way- im actually the same as u?

nv been in a r/s nv had sex not into the gay scene

nv went to saunas discr straight act here

tell me if u wanna be friends!

[schmuckisms]

Guy born this way, you just like most people, too full and think highly of yourself, simple guy don't ask much but you are over, when you want good man but are you really one of them? are you really worthy? stop assuming and thought you are naive, too good for normal people, cos not into gay scene does not make you noble either, you are as normal as anyone.

Ew, what an effin prick. Goes along with the anon identity and bad grammar.

Anyway, @OP:

Take it slow. College is hard when everyone (straight) around you is getting attached/knocked up (lol), yet even coming out isn't exactly easy in a country that takes pride in silent-shaming people who aren't in their archaic vision of norms. I'd be upfront and say I'd prefer being called a fag (their opinion) than being gossiped about as if being gay is a universally wrong thing, just that they're minding their own businesses and being polite.

So it's no wonder why you want a relationship that is somehow normative and fulfilling in the long sense, but given how particularly tough it is for gay couples to bond and stick, I'd say you aren't ready just yet. It takes so much trial and error for even what we deem the perfect guys to get a real LTR, so you better start trying something (anything!)

That said, there are tons of people the way you described, outside of SG though. The culture's just more open and the fortunately nice, (actually) charming and gay people are out rather than doing their wallflower stunts. If you're an undergrad, go for an exchange overseas- you've never been in a relationship before, and I'd say an overseas perspective's gonna do you a lot of good.

Also I'd start looking at other places than BW/Grindr to be honest- people who go on those sites tend to be miles away from your criteria.

Not that they're inferior (as if it's a benchmark and singaporeans are kiasu or something) but they just want radically different things I guess.

Still, don't rush into all that grown-upness, make great friends in college, and make tons of mistakes with the right people. At least it makes for great talk

[snowball]

一切随性随喜吧, 对的人出现, 你会有感觉的。有缘还要有份, 强求不来,

红颜知己难寻, 顺其自然。

[GuyBornThisWay]

Hi guys! I've finally created an account, I'm the same person who started this topic. I'm kinda amazed that I'm talking to so many gay people at once. Seriously, I've never spoken to that many, only 1 in flesh last time haha!

Clickclock: you're really talented! i have never been good in art but yous' really awesome! the erotica works were quite erm, whats an appropriate term, erm cool. You're in NS now right? Thinking of doing artsy stuff next time? Go to ADM NTU if you can! Then, chiong for NYU Tish School of the Arts, or at least the Singapore campus if you wanna save living expenses. NYU is a darn respectable school, their graduates (and dropouts) totally rule the fashion, entertainment and arts scene. Seriously, I'm damn impressed with your talent. Totally shock me!

TheAntisen; Thanks for the long long long reply. I really appreciate it. It goes to show how much time and effort you put in to talk to another gay stranger on the internet. To be honest, I think you are over generalizing, I dun think that gays are statistically more likely to be in Choir than other groups lol. You watched too much Blaine-Kurt love in Glee? That show's awesome. I kinda like your advice and reminder. Haha. In fact the next time I meet my friend, I'm gonna randomly drop a topic starter like: "Hey don't you think that guy's hot?" and see how he reply. That'll be fun. But obviously, I cherish his friendship too much to risk it. I'm only a little infatuated over him, but not man-crazy, that's absurd and blatantly foolish to fall for a straight guy. Your story's really personal, thanks for sharing. Wouldn't it be great if there were no prudish homophobic fxxker in this world? Right, but that's utopia, suck it up - reality. You friend's

really awesome, cherish him!!!! It reminds me of a friend whom I was very close to last year but I ended the friendship cos he utterly disappointed me. It's nothing to do with coming out, just that I thought his personality's and behavior is unacceptable for a friend I know for 10 years. Really, cherish this friend.

devil90boy: Yo, I assume you are 22, cos born in 1990? Probably in college now or something ain't it. I started the notion of getting married since I'm 22, maybe you'll be like mine someday. Honestly I thought of marrying a woman to have kids, cos I really love them. But it's just a tragedy waiting to be unfold. I want my kids to be happy. Being in a gay marriage or civil union is definitely better as the kids will receive 2x the love though. I also thought of adopting as a Single parent, but so far I have not seen any possibility of this happening in Singapore. I've asked around and checked various ministries but so far it doesn't seem likely, perhaps it'll take another 20 years to at least moot the debate. I can understand this, with so many sick pedophiles (even MOE male teachers) molesting/raping young boys and girls, such measures are really necessary. I hate to be some moralistic preacher, but I really think these fxxkers should have their dick chopped off in the most grotesque manner. Preying on children is just blasphemy to basic humanity.

guyherealways: yo PM me! I'm still new to the member's userinterface. I typed here as soon as the account was approved.

schmuckisms: Haha, another guy that use the term college instead of university! Actually I also use the term college instead of univ/undergraduate etc in real life, but thought more appropriate to type "undergrad" in my first post as not all are as used to American terms. I'm not Westernised per se, I just meant you caught my attention when you said college. I love the US because of its founding the Declaration Of Independence - all man are born equal. Granted, its not so applicable to gay rights, and with DOMA, Prop 8 such shits; but still, the notion is fundamentally important for a country that stands for justice, equality and free-spirits.

TBH, I wanted to go on exchange but decided to save up the money lol. But it's ok cos I'm going overseas for an internship thus it kinda substitute the need to see the world.

I was initially repulsive about the idea of Grindr apps, I thought its sleazy and just for hookups. But honestly, who am I to judge. Maybe there are some good man out there, just seeking for the right one. Besides, there will be some hotbods to ogle so haha its an additional incentive too! But where else do you think I should go. The first notion to stike me is this ogachacha (pardon spelling) kinda civil society and it seems like they always organise healthy talks etc. Probably gonna take a look someday. Maybe the proportion of the kind of person I wanna find is higher. I think being gay is absolutely fine, but out of convenience I rather be straight as its statistically more likely to find a Hao Nu Ren than a gay Hao Nan Ren.

snowball: Cannot 顺其自然. If Hao Nan Ren all attached how? What more if its a hot Hao Nan Ren, even more prized. I think at college, its really time to put in some effort. I wanna wake up everyday to someone I truly love and whom truly cares for me (and our kids in the future). Ok I know its utopia, but just try a bit harder lor.

PS: I've got this close friend in my school whom I highly suspect is gay, or at least bisexual. The trigger point is when he showed me his Grindr app last time and both of us spoke to some guys randomly out of pure fun. Do you ppl think truly straight people will install Grindr, or could it be that my gaydar is right?

PPS: I'm now reading the gay men dating survival guide by oogachaga, are they real? Or isit painting morally-right, more socially-compelling hence acceptable half truths? I think the book's quire insightful though.

Edited March 17, 2012 by GuyBornThisWay

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone..

I'm an undergrad in my mid 20s and starting work soon. I'm not totally closeted but neither am I very open about myself. While I may have a number of gay friends on Facebook, most of them are through legitimate reasons because of life events. I have also never been in a relationship before.

My question is: how do I get to know people without going to a club/pub/sauna. I have tried going before, but frankly I don't find it very helpful in knowing someone meaningfully. I know those are one of the few common spaces for gay men especially in Singapore, but the job I'm going to be in will require me to be very discreet about my identity. In fact, I will probably be closing down my Grindr account, or at least making it anonymous.

I've tried hoping to meet someone in ordinary circumstances, but it is harder than I thought it would be. My biological clock is ticking, hahaha, and I am starting to feel the urgency of settling down as compared to when I was like 19.

[Behrhunter]

Apart from pub/sauna/club/gay social networking aps (phone apps/fridae/trevvy etc etc.)

I guess since you already have some gay friends, join them for their gatherings. It is rather effective if you are non scene. Some friends have house gatherings, parties and such. Met my first bf through a birthday party I was invited to. I can't think of any other means for now. We are gays and it's not like we can meet the same guy at the lift and know immediately he is gay and ask each other out for coffee.

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

Apart from pub/sauna/club/gay social networking aps (phone apps/fridae/trevvy etc etc.)

I guess since you already have some gay friends, join them for their gatherings. It is rather effective if you are non scene. Some friends have house gatherings, parties and such. Met my first bf through a birthday party I was invited to. I can't think of any other means for now. We are gays and it's not like we can meet the same guy at the lift and know immediately he is gay and ask each other out for coffee.

Behrhunter gave a good alternative.

Another alternative is not to be so particular about it and see what life throws at you. If it is meant to be, it will come to you. Take this as an opportunity to advance your life's other aspects. You're only in your 20s and should have priorities in other areas.

[Guest Guest]

hmm, that doesn't leave me a lot of opportunities does it?

waiting for life to throw things at me doesn't seem like a very good approach. probably the most natural, but also a bit passive?

i'd love to be invited to these parties, but nobody's invited me for any of these things. =\

[khai]

online...planetromeo or such. I met mine there and still going strong.

[GuyBornThisWay]

Just deleted my grindr/dating apps cos my exams coming soon and totally cannot waste anymore time on such stuff.

TS, I'm an undergraduate as well and I suppose you are about to graduate? I'm also wondering where to meet gays in meaningful ways. Too bad I'm going overseas after exam immediately, I wanna know more friends as well.

Like what Behrhunter, we can't go around asking guys hello if you are gay? Chill lah, Grindr's nothing. just lock your phone lor. Only people in our circle use Grindr, I think you can relax.

[Guest Guest]

Wait for it? Or perhaps through luck and with lots of mind games?

To be discreet yet want things to happen openly to you is dilemma.

[Guest Happy Being Out]

You have made your choice in life. You have chosen career over sexuality. You have chosen to conform to Singapore's narrow minded standards.

Just be aware of the price you are going to have to pay.

Ask yourself where you are going to be at 40 or 50? Are you going to be "bullied" into a sham marriage in order to keep your job or get a promotion?

Are you going to be a "troll" lurking around the corners of the gay community paranoid of who's going to "out" you in life?

Are you going to end up like the sexually frustrated monk or priest that prays on the vulnerability of innocent boys due to a perverted sexual need?

Are you going to be like these 44 men that just got caught and publicly humiliated for having sex with an under-aged girl but in your case it will be a boy?

Good luck! I'm just glad I am out to my parents, out to my boss, in a 10 yrs. relationship and just got legally married. Yes, it is possible to have it all. You just have to have the courage to be true to yourself.

[Behrhunter]

hmm, that doesn't leave me a lot of opportunities does it?

waiting for life to throw things at me doesn't seem like a very good approach. probably the most natural, but also a bit passive?

i'd love to be invited to these parties, but nobody's invited me for any of these things. =\

Yes, you made you choice and you have to live with it, you bear your own consequences and only you are answerable to yourself. Although I do not agree that coming out is the ONLY solution. Some of our life situations are just not permissive to being out.

At the risk of being borderline crude, and please do forgive me if it does seem so. I'm getting mixed signals here, while you seem to disapprove of waiting for things to happen which isn't a bad choice at all cos like blaidd said .. there are other priorities in life. But yet you take a seemingly passive stance on hoping to be invited to events like birthday and that no one invites you. To me it reads out somewhat contradicting, you dont like waiting but you are still waiting for ppl to invite you. Things like these don't come overnight, not even for celebrities, they worked their way up "fame-dom".

I'm not asking you to gatecrash anyone's party but you need to make some friends first, socialise with the group of friends that you mentioned you currently already know. You make need to make your own effort like maybe even be the one who suggests for outings. To be invited, people need a personal 'reason' to invite you to an event. The reason could even sound seemingly silly and non-existent to you but what matters is that it is important to the "invitor." This path takes time, much more than just hopping to the sauna but it builds solid friendship with your current friends while meeting new escapades.

[Guest Guest]

Behrhunter: You are right. I need to seek out and create the opportunities that I want in life. I thank you also for understanding that life isn't just about coming out and that really was the whole point of this thread, to know if there were any other ways that I can meet people besides the conventional. I guess what has come out of it is that there may not really be much options and I will have to take it slow and steady.

Happy Being Out: I am happy for you also, that you may be legally married and live the life of your dreams. But please understand that one person's dream isn't another's. Neither should everyone follow the same path. While being gay is a part of my identity, I am not defined by it and it alone. I am defined by other things as well, like my status as a son, and my career as a professional. If I choose to value my career more than my identity as a gay man, what's wrong with that? I think you are also making a slippery slope argument by suggesting that I am going to become like a minority of the gay community (ie, perverse, and a disgrace to the rest of us) just because I choose not to be out and proud. Also, it is not practical for everyone to just jump on a plane and move to somewhere else that is more exciting. As to whether or not I'm true to myself, I am - but that doesn't mean that I have to proclaim it to the whole world.

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[Guest Guest]

The idea is that there is actually no need to compartmentalize your life. It is the good convictions that we learn through other people's mistakes that we choose to cultivate it in our life that brings us shortcut to more happiness.

You can be a respectable president, lawyer, teacher and babysitter even the world knows you are homosexual. Is it necessary to see there is a separation between a person's identity and his career and having a need to choose which one to value more? Everyone is a whole person. Some might say there are endless prejudices and one will receive backlash for being yourself. But the worst I ever think of is when one lacking the courage to embrace what you think things really are. If you really believe deep down in your heart that being a homosexual would, perhaps taking examples, makes you a less-efficient worker with lesser professionalism and credibility than others, then stay where you are heading now.

I often have many people telling me that they do not have to "come out" openly and feels "totally comfortable" on the inside. I often doubt it and next moment I hear stories on how they struggle or avoid questions and feeling uncomfortable and threatened wherever people ask them certain things, I know it exactly prove my point. Definition of "coming out", I will say it is not about announcing that you are homosexual. It is certainly about honoring oneself and sharing what is true about yourself. People connects with each other by sharing something about themselves, they discuss, joke, laugh over it and that's how we are bounded by this invisible sense of care and love we have for each other.

From there, we became happier.

[Guest Guest]

The idea is that there is actually no need to compartmentalize your life. It is the good convictions that we learn through other people's mistakes that we choose to cultivate it in our life that brings us shortcut to more happiness. You can be a respectable president, lawyer, teacher and babysitter even the world knows you are homosexual. Is it necessary to see there is a separation between a person's identity and his career and having a need to choose which one to value more? Everyone is a whole person. Some might say there are endless prejudices and one will receive backlash for being yourself. But the worst I ever think of is when one lacking the courage to embrace what you think things really are. If you really believe deep down in your heart that being a homosexual would, perhaps taking examples, makes you a less-efficient worker with lesser professionalism and credibility than others, then stay where you are heading now. I often have many people telling me that they do not have to "come out" openly and feels "totally comfortable" on the inside. I often doubt it and next moment I hear stories on how they struggle or avoid questions and feeling uncomfortable and threatened wherever people ask them certain things, I know it exactly prove my point. Definition of "coming out", I will say it is not about announcing that you are homosexual. It is certainly about honoring oneself and sharing what is true about yourself. People connects with each other by sharing something about themselves, they discuss, joke, laugh over it and that's how we are bounded by this invisible sense of care and love we have for each other. From there, we became happier.

I want to clarify that I did not mean that one infringes on another. This whole thing arose only because some posters thought that I had in some way "betrayed" myself because it looked like I placed my career over my personal happiness, or whatever.

Even if I was in some very accepting industry, like fashion for example, it wouldn't change a thing. It's a personal choice not to want to tell everyone about myself the first time I meet them. And again, it's not like I am totally a closet-case. It's something personal to me, but that does not mean that I have to share it with every new person I come across immediately.

[Behrhunter]

I don't even consider you 'betrayed' yourself. Every life is a choice, that's the wonderful thing about life, there is usually no ONE right answer and the choice is your own to make and I do not wish to sound like a broken record, or in these days .. a broken iPod. Regardless of what anyone else here is a mere sharing of the product of their experiences. I choose not to come out to my parents, they may know, they may not? If they want to know, they will ask me. I am not a flaming queen at work, but neither am I out to work. But do I need to be out at work in order to do anything more productively? I still have gay colleagues, I went to pubs with my gay colleagues and we introduce each other as colleagues. But I am still not out.

I equally have friends who came out and regretted it. Some might even sound so extreme it almost feels like a script from a Korean Drama. I have friends who got kicked out of house, written off their father's will. Some had it good, I also have friends who ended up having colleagues as their bf. One of my friend even had his gay-spouse sponsored when he was expatriated to Australia. There are good's and bad's of coming out. Just because it was good for you, doesn't mean it's good for everyone. At the end of the day, do what you feel at that point of time and after calculated risks, what you are comfortable with and what you think will make you happy.

On another note, everyone compartmentalises their life. Just because you came out as gay to people, doesn't mean you do not compartmentalise your life. There are things you do not want others to know, there are things you want people to know but not your parents to know, there are things you want your buddies to know but not your bf to know. Even straight people compartmentalise. Some information at just meant for the special few to know. That's what differentiates a buddy from a friend, and a friend from an acquaintance.

[Guest Guest]

Some people work on reasons, some people give excuses.

Some people want to change, some people choose to be dictated by how things are run or have occurred.

Some people took risk and failed continues till they succeed, some people took it as a life-threatening setback and choose not to turnabout their situation.

Some people learn to be successful in their very own ways even it takes a long time, some people choose not to learn and cite external factors for their failure or even deemed it as impossible.

Some people know what they really want and work for it, some people also know what they really want yet not taking real and rational actions that lead to it.

As for the topic setter, you can also know people meaningfully through clubs, it certainly depends on you whether it can be made meaningful or not. If you find things are very hard or lacking of opportunities even though you know where else you can meet new people. Like I also said, you should just wait for it and hope it comes to you earlier in your life.

[Guest Guest]

continues...

What I felt is that the problem don't lies with getting to know whereabouts to meet people. It probably lies with yourself. Like everyone says, everyone has the power to make their own choices in life. I absolutely agree with it. But, the next big problem is, are people seeing the underlying disagreement with themselves to reach their goals.

Are you limiting yourself on where you can meet people?

Is it really because of the places you go?

Have you ever think if you are willing to go such places, what makes you think other like-minded people won't be there?

Is it because you are not taking enough initiatives?

Lets say you finally got into a relationship with a gay man in the midst of your career, what future would you set for yourself and being together?

I'm just listing some assumptions here. There are hundreds of struggles posted on help on coming out... how to find boyfriend... Is there future for gays in Singapore... do you let your colleagues know... stuffs like that. Its all interconnected in many ways, which is the answer lies with oneself and not external factors because you cannot control it and that's why I see so much importance in getting yourself right first.

[icemaker]

I'm 20 and I feel you, le sigh!

[Clickclock]

well, if you ask me, you can link up with your gay friends and perhaps organize a get-together?

as for me, I've met a few through this forum and i've been to their gatherings at their houses, it isnt orgy, or sex related, its simple stuff like a steamboat and christmas dinner. Really got to meet alot of new friends in the decent manner

[SeannyShortcake]

Sounds familiar.

You can't be overly discreet and hope for good chances to hook someone in.

Try attending social events.

[Guest Guest]

*Join a Gym or fitness club.

Gym/fitness club ... strike a conversation and 8/10 men are gay.

Body combat, Zamba classes in fitness club ... 10/10 men in the classes are gay.

*Go watch production by local theatres

8/10 shows are produced and acted by gay

9/10 stories will involve gay issue or drag

8/10 male audiences are gay, remainder 2/10 (including bi) are forced to watch with gf.

*Shop in A## or N## boutique

8/10 of shop assistants in A&F are gay

8/10 of men shopping there are gay, remainder 2/10 are forced to shop with gf.

*Disclaimer: Just for laugh. Don't take the above comments seriously.

[Guest Guest]

Haha.. what happens if one does not have a clique of gay friends but only a handful of gay friends here or there?

[babooshame07]

Expand your existing resources to interact with those they know, ask your existing social circle to introduce you into their social circle..

[Behrhunter]

Haha.. what happens if one does not have a clique of gay friends but only a handful of gay friends here or there?

You make it sound like the rest of us were born to a bed full of gay men hahah. At the risk of sounding old during 'our time,' there was no such thing called as Grindr, Scruff, Growlr etc etc etc etc. There were only pubs and cruising spots. If these weren't your cup of tea the only other way was slowly through friends but that's also part of the fun. Seeing real people in real places, no need to ask for 'face pic,' and we ignored guys in real hahah.

Telnet was a godsend to gay men which later evolved to the likes of irc as much as it seems like dinosaur technology today.

[GachiMuchi]

Haha.. what happens if one does not have a clique of gay friends but only a handful of gay friends here or there?

If you want to be in the closet, how do you expect people to know that you exist?

Please step out of your closet first if you really want to get to know people and for people to know you.

[Guest Guest]

Haiya nobody's being a closet la, why is everyone looking at it in such extreme $!^*| terms? Just because one doesn't want to go clubs or bars or overtly gay places doesn't mean that one is totally closeted.

[Guest]

Haiya nobody's being a closet la, why is everyone looking at it in such extreme $!^*| terms? Just because one doesn't want to go clubs or bars or overtly gay places doesn't mean that one is totally closeted.

i totally agree with you man. I'm super open about my sexuality but i am not a scene or clubbing kind of guy. at all.