Broken Family - How Do U Deal With It?

[leo724]

I wonder, how well are most people in dealing with their broken family?

I know broken families are quite common... but i hope to hear from others who have similar experiences so as to learn something out of it. I shall begin with my own experience.

My parents have almost always been quarreling. And to be fair, i can say with confidence that most of the problems lie on my dad. He gives very little allowance to my mum who's a housewife. Imagine $800 a month (in the 1990s), can u buy groceries, necessities, pay phone and electricity bills, and take care of 3 young schooling children with that? And my mum is expected to do that. Now, of course, my dad gives her $1200, and my sister is already married, but my mum's still expected to pay for most of the legal fees for their divorce. Notwithstanding the fact that my dad has always been lending money to his relatives in China or investing in their company, only to get nothing in return.

And yes, they have divorced, because my dad had an affair with another women and even had a child with her. The most ridiculous thing is that he actually had the cheek to break these news to my mum by HIMSELF. And he never asked for forgiveness. He expected my mum to be responsible for the failure of their marriage, and even blamed her for not shielding his ugly truths from her relatives in China.

But before all these happen, i actually grew to hate him from young. I guess it might be due to his stricter parenting and most importantly, his lack of love and concern to us. He's just too engrossed in quarreling with my mum, perhaps. By the way, how can he blame my mum for the failure of their marriage when he's the one not treating my mum well (not just financially), and when my mum has always been faithfully maintaining this clean and comfortable home, taking care of all of us with utmost love?

Honestly speaking, i know i shouldn't be complaining too much about my experience, since they have divorced, and most family matters have been peacefully settled. But i think that this broken family of mine have, perhaps, shaped my sexual orientation. My ideal type of guy is mature, manly, gentle, taller and stronger, and protective of me. Sounds like a dad, right? (i don't want my bf to look as old and ugly and fat as him, though, haha) What's worse is that i think i have some feelings for girls too. Now, i am very confused about my sexual orientation. Should i seek to resolve my unhappiness and hatred towards my dad? How? Will that make me know better what my sexual orientation is?

Oh, and the reason behind my huge frustration recently is also because i'm so desperate in getting my ideal bf that i'm no longer interested in my studies. And its A levels this year, lol. I have been spending so much time on the computer, playing online games, chatting with strangers, watching pxxn, fantacising.... And i have yet to find the one. The someone or something who can provide some warmth and love. Moreover, i'm so not confident of myself that i don't dare to meet most people.. Bleh zzz

Ok that's about it. Besides seeking opinions on my problems, i would like to hear from u guys about your experiences in a broken family, how it has affected u, and how u have been dealing with it. Thank you in advance for reading this topic with so much patience.

Oh, just to add, i have been seeing my school counsellor and a private counsellor who's better than her in dealing with homosexual issues. They have been a great help to me, but i think i still need to do some exploring and understanding on my own...

Edited May 8, 2011 by leo724

[abang]

Be empowered rather than blaming that situations are less favourable.

You must now immersed yourself in your studies and excel in everything.

Education is the only key solution to get out of this sticky situation.

Yes, marriages fail and families are dissolved but the ray of hope is that

we can overcome such personal crisis by doing something worthwhile.

Lamenting that life is unfair to you isnt going to solve anything - you need

to stand on your own feet. Yes, it is rather unfair that your parents' marriage

ended bitterly but as they said... life goes on.

If you need help in your studies, pm me...

[renegade_nation]

Heys. Like DM said, focus on your studies. Do not neglect it. Plus the time you spend in JC is a fly or die thing. Do well and get it over with lo...

And sorry to hear about your family. At least you have siblings with you, to be with you. I ain't good at giving advice la, so I don't think this post will help either.. haha Me? Well, I myself am from a so-called broken family. We ain't rich, neither financially nor in love. I seldom talk to them too. A few years back, when I was still living in my old flat, which used to be much bigger, spacious etc, my dad had made this stupid desicion to sell it. The reason? To pay bills. WTF right? So yeap... I hated him since then. Adviced them on saving money, using it for something better etc etc. But seems like the words dint get through or something. I felt like i have no voice in the family even though there are only 3 members. Things dint went well for me and my father. Seldom talked etc. Now i live in a much smaller flat and all. Everything i hated. And on top of that, they decided to hoard things back home. Keep this keep that. etc etc... get scolded by them even, saying im not keeping the house in shape. Im like wtf la. _|_ but yea, my relationship with both of them just crumbled a long time ago. dun really see them as parents as well. just landlords. haha...

[leo724]

Thanks guys for your encouragements... i do know that my job now is to study well. But i just can't pull myself out of the unrelenting desire to find someone to sort of take over my dad's role. I know i shouldn't depend on a fatherly figure or something, since i am already an adult, and i'm definitely not the worse off when there are orphans..

But.. i'm so easily distracted by such things now.. And i know no matter what i must have a stronger will to overcome all odds. I know i shouldn't add on the burden at home.. i do know all these.. i have been thinking so much that i'm going crazy. I just can't find any more energy to strive on. Okay and then i know people will say that u have the power to do anything etc...

Coming to think of it... i know that i have already been a disappointment to my mum, my teachers, and my counsellors, and i will become an even bigger disappointment if i continue to rot like this. But still, i don't know what to do...

[renegade_nation]

hmmm. find more friends? someone older you could talk to? yea. old saying: when theres a will theres a way. haha.

and maybe now is your all-time-low, and you could say u have no energy to carry on, but think abt how far u have came etc. not saying to go back to major fleshbacks luh, but yea. get a grip of urself and move on lo. if u cant run, then walk. if u cant walk, then crawl. if u cant crawl, squirm ard! >< no la joking! hehe. but yea, ur relatives, teachers, counsellors and frens are all there for u ba. so dun see urself as a disappointment! :)and yes, ur job now is: STUDENT. skills: STUDY. lol

[waterballoon]

don't give excuses to ur laziness. i fail to see how playing computer games have to do with ur obsession in finding a bf.

& sorry to hear about the upsetting plight of ur family but everyone's gonna tell u the same thing, so I'll just say what everyone really is thinking:

"Life sucks, get over it."

continue to lament in ur "pathetic" and the situations around u & u will always stay as the way u are.

[boybelow]

Been there. I understand how you feel. Do what you think will fill in the void but don't ruin your life though. Accepting is hard and the healing process takes forever. I am 24 now and my parents separated when I was 9 but the pain still remains. I could attribute a lot of my relationship issues with this 'traumatic' event in my life but don't let this experience define who you are as a person.

[pusheenpika]

Well. My family isn't exactly broken. Still looking polished, albiet on the surface only.

On the surface, we're every bit the model family. Above average family income, 2 smart boys with degrees and relatively good jobs, happy as can be.

But no one knows...

My parents haven't slept together for the past 9 years. The only exchanges they've had (for the past 9 years) have been very hard to bear.

Most of their conversations end in a big fights with several involving the police. They rarely look each other in the eyes and my dad hasn't been there for us for 9 years. He just decided to not care about my mum, bro and me anymore.

I've not been dealing with it really. Rather, I've been avoiding it toally. I've converted my room into this little enclave I hide in whenever trouble strikes.

I hide in there till the storm blows over. At times, I involve myself in the tussles, but those end up with me being shoved back into my room - they still insist I'm a boy and I won't understand what they're going through.

True, I've no idea what brought about the abrupt change in my dad. He just stopped loving his family. I've grown used to the fact he's not around. Can't change anything anymore.

So yea, I live in a pretty messed up family. They refuse to divorce, which leaves me to wonder if they still love each other. But with my menopausal-to-be mum and couldn't-care-less dad under the same roof, I don't think I'll be having it easy in the next 10 years. I'd very much prefer my parents separate. That'll be ideal. I'm just glad I can get by each day without them snubbing each other with caustic and sarcastic remarks - ingredients to a perfect family tragedy.

So heck them seriously. Just be thankful for everything you've got.

[craze]

cheer up, if you ever need a listening ear, i will be here. I think you should learnt to prioritise right now. you should know what is the best and what's not the best for you. focus on your studies first. =P

[derryfawne]

I have to echo everyone else and say this:

Bad things happen and you can blame the situation, but it will get you nowhere.

Do something to improve your situation. Shake off your 'unrelenting desire' and pick up your lecture notes. Now.

No one can help you by yourself. I can help you hammer your computer screen if you wish, though.

[MeowPrince]

Broken families, blah, blah, are not uncommon. What is, is the effort one makes to pull out and away from the pit it often creates.

To Leo724, you are still young. Focus, and shut out the rest. Get yourself the grades to qualify for your choice of uni. That is your passport to better things.

It isn't easy I can assure you. Because I've seen too many fail. Do you want it, or do you just wish it. Are you doing anything about it.

(I hope you realise the punctuation I used... it is meant to mean something)

Cheers.

[leo724]

Thank you everyone for giving me advice and encouragements. Although they were initially rather ear-piercing, i have corrected my lousy mindset after reading them and have become more motivated in life again haha. Whenever i emo again i shall read this topic to remind myself not to let myself rot again. Thank you people =)

[darkflame]

I come from a broken family.

My parents divorced when I was in primary school.

But my dad has always taken good care of me.

My parents didn't divorce because my father had an affair or something.

My mother's relatives made marriage life difficult for him because they didn't approve of him.

That sort of typical Chinese-educated VS English-educated drama.

And my mother was the youngest so she was always stuck between her ex-husband and her siblings.

Anyway, what has happened has happened.

Instead of wishing for an ideal boyfriend etc, my parents' divorce made me decide that I have to be very emotionally strong.

I cannot end up an emotional wreck, and my parents always told me 'love doesn't solve everything'.

And as for your slacking, you just need to develop some good habits.

If you're so distracted at home, get out and study.

If you have an iPhone with you, don't bring it with you, or you can study in a place without wireless access.

[icy_ter]

this topic reminds me of my father.

I also came from broken family.

they separated since i was 5yr old. dunno why I can still remember the day they quarrel, the day my father leaving the family with another mistress.

Can you imagine the mistress stay with us when i was born till i was 5yr old? I also cant understand how my mum able to tolerate for these 5yrs.

My mum dont intend to divorce with my dad as she dont want the mistress to have a position in our "X" families (I referring "X" as my family surname) plus she dont want us (me n my sibling) to separate, if any of us were to follow our father.

Anyway, my dad has pass away 4 years ago due to heart problem. Some how i also not sure is this good or bad. Good can be due to we no need to face the mistress during each year re-union dinner and totally have nothing to do with that mistress anymore. Bad, maybe i do miss my dad and I also dont no why I have forgive him for what he did to us and my mum for the past 20 over years.

I'm now 30 this yr. I quite agreed with some BW'er comments. To concentrate on your studies first and at least get yourself to Uni and have a degree cert minimum. This is to sort of building a base to have a better future for yourself first. Unlike me, I hate schooling in all my life. my grade is like all failing with red marks. Until someone has talked to me then I started to pull myself up on my studies. Although its a long journey that I gone through from ITE, to Poly and now I'm taking part time degree and I'm in my final semester.

What darkflame had mention which i quite agreed. Although at home there is a lot of temptation (ie. bed, tv, internet, psp games and etc) I normally pack my notes and went out for my own revision study. A quiet place with no distraction actually can make someone study better. not like Macdonald or school library. so noisy and lots of disturbance dude walking around distract the attention. lolx..

So... yeah... jia you leo724 u still in ur teenage stage and has not really step into the adult category. Once u enter into the adult life, actually there is alot of things you will know and awaiting for you.

[mamemo]

Guess most of us have similar family situations. Shall not go into details. I wonder if that's what brought us here.

Leo724 same as what the other guys said, I would encourage you to study hard since you had a chance in jc. I got learn this the hard way. The problems made me defiant and a delinquent in my sec sch days. From exp to na. Na to ite, and dropped out. Started smoking, fights, and not going home. When reality smacks in always having no money. I told my self I have to work. Been working since the age of 15 and having no qualification really made me lose out a lot. 1 thing I learned from young is independence. I took minimal money from my mom. $5 a day. Rest I work to pay for my smokes and entertainment. Stopped getting pocket money when stopped studying. In this reality world is money that makes the world go round. I always tell people who ask me why dun have gf/bf. No money no honey.

Right now I am 22 finished ns. Working full-time trying to support myself. Learnt alot stuff through experience. Though I dun have qualifications, I manage to work my self to a channel sales executive position.

So leo724 work hard Kay? Don't learn it the hard way. Right here you have the benefit of all our experience.

If you interested to be friends do pm me. Can share our experience and take some load off your mind so you can focus better. Haha cya. Ciaos!

[Guest Power of Sex]

I mixed with a few of these unfaithful husbands before when I worked at Geylang before.

The truth that they will never admit to their friends and relatives is usually about sex. Men like sex and want to be ACTIVELY served by women. They hate dead fish but they themselves don't mind being passive.

U read in that Sam bbs, they all get excited to find a prostitute who give active service. Yet they don't dare to ask their wives to do this active service even if they don't really respect their wives. All types reasons like afraid of rejection, scolded for being pian tai, afraid the wife will tell "out" him to others etc .

Until one day he meets someone who does exactly what he wanted in bed then sparks fly. Suddenly he felt so liberated and even willing to leave his family for the mistress.

Of course he also won't tell strangers but if you also share with him your secrets like those in Sam bbs, then he will indirectly tell what kind of sex he likes. Some r quite innocent like being coddled like a baby and breast fed some r closer to s&m.

The deepest secret is homo feelings. Not many but I got a few requests to explore this with them.

[Guest]

Am no different either. Left home at 17 and life was tough with no one to depend on... but I survived.

You just gotta be strong and stay focused on your goals.

Education is now your top priority as it opens the doors to a successful life.

All the best!

[Guest faynic]

I wonder, how well are most people in dealing with their broken family?

I know broken families are quite common... but i hope to hear from others who have similar experiences so as to learn something out of it. I shall begin with my own experience.

My parents have almost always been quarreling. And to be fair, i can say with confidence that most of the problems lie on my dad. He gives very little allowance to my mum who's a housewife. Imagine $800 a month (in the 1990s), can u buy groceries, necessities, pay phone and electricity bills, and take care of 3 young schooling children with that? And my mum is expected to do that. Now, of course, my dad gives her $1200, and my sister is already married, but my mum's still expected to pay for most of the legal fees for their divorce. Notwithstanding the fact that my dad has always been lending money to his relatives in China or investing in their company, only to get nothing in return.

And yes, they have divorced, because my dad had an affair with another women and even had a child with her. The most ridiculous thing is that he actually had the cheek to break these news to my mum by HIMSELF. And he never asked for forgiveness. He expected my mum to be responsible for the failure of their marriage, and even blamed her for not shielding his ugly truths from her relatives in China.

But before all these happen, i actually grew to hate him from young. I guess it might be due to his stricter parenting and most importantly, his lack of love and concern to us. He's just too engrossed in quarreling with my mum, perhaps. By the way, how can he blame my mum for the failure of their marriage when he's the one not treating my mum well (not just financially), and when my mum has always been faithfully maintaining this clean and comfortable home, taking care of all of us with utmost love?

Honestly speaking, i know i shouldn't be complaining too much about my experience, since they have divorced, and most family matters have been peacefully settled. But i think that this broken family of mine have, perhaps, shaped my sexual orientation. My ideal type of guy is mature, manly, gentle, taller and stronger, and protective of me. Sounds like a dad, right? (i don't want my bf to look as old and ugly and fat as him, though, haha) What's worse is that i think i have some feelings for girls too. Now, i am very confused about my sexual orientation. Should i seek to resolve my unhappiness and hatred towards my dad? How? Will that make me know better what my sexual orientation is?

Oh, and the reason behind my huge frustration recently is also because i'm so desperate in getting my ideal bf that i'm no longer interested in my studies. And its A levels this year, lol. I have been spending so much time on the computer, playing online games, chatting with strangers, watching pxxn, fantacising.... And i have yet to find the one. The someone or something who can provide some warmth and love. Moreover, i'm so not confident of myself that i don't dare to meet most people.. Bleh zzz

Ok that's about it. Besides seeking opinions on my problems, i would like to hear from u guys about your experiences in a broken family, how it has affected u, and how u have been dealing with it. Thank you in advance for reading this topic with so much patience.

Oh, just to add, i have been seeing my school counsellor and a private counsellor who's better than her in dealing with homosexual issues. They have been a great help to me, but i think i still need to do some exploring and understanding on my own...

I am from a broken family too. Went for counselling when I was a kid due to minor autism and depression during my army time. Almost saw death god few times but eventually revived.

but, it's been 28 yrs and i am still alive... most important is how u 1 to treat all these misfortunes..

if there are chances, i can tell u my life when we meetup...

[Oxsianx]

This is my story. My parents divorced when I was 6 year old. Ever since young, I have noticed my interest in guys through looking at swim wear advertisements on the magazine HAHA. Of course, I rarely see my dad as I grow older. Being in the family of 6, with 3 elder sisters ahead of me, I seriously lack of a man figure to follow. So this might explains why I had that strange habit back then. My ideal guy was also of a daddy figure. (But preferences do change) As usual, my dad is the typical bad figure. He smokes, he drinks, he gambles, he had multiple affairs and worst of all, he likes to physically abuse my mum.

The marriage turned sour gradually a few years after I was born and reaches a small climax when I was half-way through my childhood. Worst of all, I recollected all these memories bit by bit when I was older. My mum showed me the picture of a broken vase my dad used to throw on her. I also remembered the half broken wooden bird-cage clock which is still hanging on top of our kitchen door. It too was being thrown onto my mum. My mum had told me stories of how the loan sharks came to our old house asking for money, scolding vulgarities at us and pouring paints onto our door. I remember going back and fore to the family court almost every weekend in primary two, and from what I feel, doing nothing every time. In exchange, the divorce certificate I saw years later sums all up.

My dad left the house since god knows when. Based on my vague memories, I rarely see him since 3 years old. He left the house, the four of us (kids) and his debts for my mum to deal with. My mum soon developed depression but still needs to earn a living. [i got my bit of child abuse as well, but forget it. I'm grateful she's around all these while] She works night swift as a factory lady where she met a guy on the company’s bus service. That guy was the driver of the company’s bus. He too had his family but his wife died of cancer a few years back before he met my mum. At one time, he fought out money when my mum couldn’t afford utilities bill and got our water and electricity cut off. So since then, they began to know each other well and that guy began to support our family.

He took us (my mum, 2 sisters and I) on our first overseas trip to Medan, Indonesia on 1995. According to my sister, that guy attempted to touch/molest her. She told my mum but my mum refuses to believe my sister and instead, still stick onto that guy for monetary benefits. Subsequently, we (my mum and I) went on several overseas trips with that guy. So ironically, our lives did improve despite being in a broken family with lots of crap going on.

But my sufferings were more towards the consequences. I had my puberty when I was primary 5 and that’s when the sexual issues came floating around. I first heard the word ‘gay’ when I was primary 6. Back then, I never realized somebody from the same sex could fall in love. Neither do I know that it is such a taboo due to the way portrayed by the mess public. Then I start to think of the attraction I had for guys all those years in childhood, the feeling was so innocent. Slowly, I had an idea that I’m showing ‘gay behaviour’, that I’m somewhat different from others. I found a few pxxnographic tapes in the house by accident and played them. To my horror, I saw things that will never be screened on TV! So I learnt masturbation, sex and pxxnography at such age!

When I was sec 2, I stupidly told a sissy guy about my suspected sexual orientation. He spread and I got myself into trouble. It was a hard blown fact to me. People point fingers and I developed some sort of depression as well [guess the illness runs in the family?] Fast forward to polytechnic, a guy from secondary school went into the same poly class as me. And as predicted, he spread to the class and I became famous again. So, since young, I have been constantly challenged to face my family and sexual issues the hard way. Guys you know what? That sissy guy who betrayed me is now an official gay to gays. I saw that sucker on gay websites while still denial with straight people in reality.

Now I have finally graduated from poly with NS being the next big thing. I actually ‘cured’ my depression with Traditional Chinese Medicine and some mood regulations. As for family issue, I just treat it as something of my past. Life is not so tough now. And now that both my mum and I snapped out of depression, the past doesn’t matter anymore. We lived, and won half the battle.

Stories aside, I think you shouldn’t seek to resolve anything with your dad anymore. I feel that sexuality is mostly determined in childhood. So it is ‘water under the bridge’ now. Nothing matters anymore. Just live your life to the fullest without him =D

And if counseling helps you, I feel that talking to the like-minded and meeting decent gay people will help you more. A big step towards acknowledging my sexuality is when I really step out to talk to and meet decent like-minded people. I went out with them and broke all those ‘myths’ I had for myself. E.g. in pri 5, my Chinese teacher used to tell my mum I’m effeminate but after all these years when I finally meet up with my aj friends, I received good feed backs from them. It was also through meeting up, that I went into my first relationship. Based on my experience, my advice is.. don’t rush! That guy didn’t turn out to be someone that I really like. It was more like, we were both too desperate to be in an LTR. So ya, for me, meeting up and sharing ideas with guys walked me out of those shit. It also increases your chance of meeting your Mr. Right.

The big A level is around the corner. Focus 1001% in it and relationship can wait. I learnt the hard way with my GPA suffering and now I’m sort of regretting a bit. All the best Leo! One more thing, I think sexual orientation should be finalized for you by now. Since you do watch pXXn and fantasize, you should know your preference by now. The next interesting phase is when you finally found a guy (hopefully your Mr right) for an LTR. That’s when you will find out more about what you like in a guy, what are your dislikes, all these apart from your imagination (cause they can be quite different from reality) and the trick to get along with someone as important as you aka the rules of give and take

[doncoin]

My parents separated when I was about 9, but I was never really close to my parents so I guess it did not really affect me as much, though now, I think my mother is feeling the consequences as she gets older. She wanted to that have mother-son bond, but since we never really bonded when I was a kid, I am somewhat indifferent towards that. Anyway, so based on what I have been reading, and a strong dose of pop psychology, here's what i see:

Many who shared their broken family experiences have these in common:

1. Strong female presence- i.e. Mom being the sole provider, sisters etc.

2. Distant or weak father figure

3. Low self-esteem

4. Sense of abandonment

What concerns me is the distant father figure because it leads up to points 3 and 4. Daddy issues is something that will definitely shape the way you look for a bf/partner. You will tend to one to find someone older/mature etc. who will take care of you etc. that your father never did. While I cannot comment on the daddy/son relationship, what i can say is you better grow up at some point and become the man that your father never was. Be a better man. This process will not happen overnight, and will take a few years, but you just got to believe in yourself, and grow at every opportunity. Having that daddy figure may bring you some emotional comfort when you are still young, but keep in mind, as you get older, you will need less of daddy.

I was fortunate to be shielded from much of the ugliness of my parents' separation by aunt and grandmother as a child. They kept me busy with school work, and after school activities, as well as talks explaining to me the situation at home. Perhaps it is their intervention, that I am relatively balanced throughout the process. Even after the separation became official, my dad had custody of us, but I was pretty much never with him. I think my sister was affected a while lot more than I was, being that she was raised up in the middle of the drama. My dad passed away when I was 15, due to a heart attack, and our mother came back.

Yes, i went through that daddy phase for a while in my late teens and 20s. Preferring to date older guys etc. However as I got older, I realised that I outgrew my childish need for daddy as I became a man and started being with guys closer to my age.

So life does get better. You will grow up and rise from all these negativity to become a better man.

[Guest -Broken-]

I myself am from a so-called broken family. We ain't rich, neither financially nor in love. I seldom talk to them too. A few years back, when I was still living in my old flat, which used to be much bigger, spacious etc, my dad had made this stupid desicion to sell it. The reason? To pay bills. WTF right? So yeap... I hated him since then. Adviced them on saving money, using it for something better etc etc. But seems like the words dint get through or something. I felt like i have no voice in the family even though there are only 3 members. Things dint went well for me and my father. Seldom talked etc.

Totally the same thing happening to me now , but unlike your case at few years back . Mine just started .