Gay Coming Out Stories / videos / experiences - Family acceptance and the future (compiled)

[briax]

As we celebrate International Coming Out Day on 11 October, it might be good for us to look at things a little differently. There has always been a fair bit of emphasis on coming out. These days, people are also talking about Coming Home, which is about finding ways to reconcile with the parents.

A few people realised that once a gay child come out in the family, it is no longer about the child's struggles with his/her sexuality. It impacts a great deal on the family. And sometimes, the whole family goes into closet. Family members especially the parents have to deal with their own sense of loss and fear. Loss because they realised that all the dreams they had for their children are now being challenged. Fear because they are worried about the future of their children in this mostly homophobic world. As much as a gay child needs support, parents do need support and guidance and assurance that their children will grow up fine regardless of their sexual orientations.

There is a good book by Michael C. LaSala on how parents of LGBT children overcome their own struggles with the children's coming out. The article below is a short introduction on the book Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child. I just finished the reading and will share it with you guys shortly.

Lastly, I shall say this here, which is what I always said to my clients as well as other social workers who are working with their gay clients: "Acceptance and understanding from our parents takes time, it takes a lot of patience and reflection from both parties. If we take so long to come to terms with our sexual orientation, even though we live this life daily, we can expect our parents to take even longer."

***************************************************************************

Coming Out, Coming Home

To begin to tell the story of the 65 gay and lesbian families I interviewed for the book Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (www.comingoutcominghome.com) it makes the most sense to start at the end--because there is good news about how families can eventually become more open, warmer, and closer after it is learned that a child is gay or lesbian. Parents can go from feeling rejecting, guilty, mournful, and frightened to not only accepting but prizing their gay or lesbian child--and for kids, especially gay kids, nothing feels better than to bask in the warm glow of a parent's love and approval.

But how is this possible? How can families, particularly parents, go from sadness to celebration? Well, the process is not easy, nor is it fail-safe. Not all families reach the point where their relationships are stronger and closer than ever before-but some do, and the stories of some of the parents and children in my book reveal how:

1) Parents who eventually became the most accepting had found a confidant - someone whom they could trust to listen to their dark feelings of anger, guilt, grief, and loss. These mothers and fathers confided in a trusted friend, a gay acquaintance, or an open-minded relative, and some went to a special (and quite wonderful) support group for parents called PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays www.pflag.org ) Talking to these knowledgeable, nonjudgmental people helped parents navigate a minefield of painful emotions and realize that it was not their fault that their children were gay, and that their sons and daughter could still live happy, productive lives. These important allies gave parents hope--- but at the same time warned them that if they did not learn to accept their gay children, they ran the risk of losing them forever.

2) If kids were on-target with their life goals, succeeding in school, developing mature friendships and romantic relationships, and maintaining good connections with those within the family circle, this seemed to go a long way to reassure parents and help them adjust. Many of the mothers and fathers in this book described that although they were dismayed to learn their children were gay, when they realized how well their children were doing and how happy they were, they began to think "How bad can it really be?"

3) When the kids weren't rejected by their parents, they felt grateful. They had a newfound gratitude and respect for their mothers and fathers which led them to express warmth toward them--a warmth that, when received, was also returned by their parents, even initially disapproving parents--and this created a mutually reinforcing, reciprocal effect that led eventually to a renewed parent-child closeness for many of the families.

What didn't help?

1) When children acted "too gay" meaning that they showed mannerisms of the opposite sex. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with a young man who walks, talks, and dresses effeminately or a girl who is butch--but this stuff still makes many of us cringe. We (parents included!) want boys to be boys and girls to be girls. Sometimes this cross-gendered behavior understandably causes parents to worry that their children will be targets of discrimination, hostility, even violence, and this can get in the way of their adjustment and acceptance.

2) When kids seemed like they were struggling, parents were likely to attribute their problems to their sexual orientation, which in turn would get in the way of parents' adjustment. Sadly, a small number of the youth described in the book were like unmoored boats bobbing about on a rough sea; they seemed lost and directionless, either failing out of school, or not getting or keeping a job, largely due to their crippling depression. Some were traumatized by years of peer harassment. For others, coping with being gay or lesbian was just too much-and these troubled kids were referred to professional psychotherapists.

Nevertheless, if you are a parent in the throws of discovering your son or daughter is gay or lesbian-or if you are a child who is contemplating coming out, or have just come out and your family is reeling-don't despair--there is hope! Not only can your family adjust but a renewed or new closeness is indeed possible. As eloquently stated by one of the parents interviewed for Coming Out, Coming Home:

If a person chooses to...having a gay child and really working with it can be the biggest growth experience of your own life because it forces you to stretch yourself...to stretch your understanding of people...of what love is. I just think if you really go with the flow it is a lesson in compassion and courage. And you watch your child come out and blossom into a wonderful person with a relationship and all that stuff that is normal-and you realize--this is a privilege.

There is a lot more to say about how parents get to this point-which will be described in subsequent postings. In the meantime-those of you in coming-out families need to hang in there and stay hopeful. There can be a warm, bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Source: http://www.psycholog...out-coming-home

Edited October 10, 2011 by briax

[gstc82]

my parents know i am gay. they still love me and treat me no differently. but i dont think they will accept me bring my partner home. i try not to push them too far in accepting my partner. but its expected that my weekends are not spent at home as i stay over at my partner's place for the past 15 years. i was actually caught off guard that my dad told me he knows i am gay.

[briax]

i was actually caught off guard that my dad told me he knows i am gay.

I think sometimes we underestimate our parents. We forgot they were teens before. My mom for example, grew up in Bugis street and totally tell who is gay or transgender. She is probably not so good in figuring lesbians.

[happy.99]

my mum cannot accept it.

[Foreign Talent]

I think sometimes we underestimate our parents. We forgot they were teens before. My mom for example, grew up in Bugis street and totally tell who is gay or transgender. She is probably not so good in figuring lesbians.

My dad is from a small town in Malaysia and came to Singapore at the age of 12 when to attend the Chinese High School as there wasn't a decent secondary school in the small town where he was from and like his elder brother, he was quite bright.

My dad told me that he saw enough gay sex going on at the Chinese High Hostels where you had an all male teenage, mostly Malaysian student cohort there and he led the bachelor lifestyle, staying dormitories like that in Singapore with other single male Malaysians until he got married to my mum. So yeah he's seen PLENTY in his time and is very cool with me being gay. It's my mum who is more ignorant about the gay stuff because she grew up at home with her parents in Bukit Timah (very sheltered upbringing) and never lived away from home until she got married to my dad!

Edited October 11, 2011 by Foreign Talent

[Guest Marad44]

May I hear from any married man who came out to his wife?

[Guest Lawrence]

Better to hide and not disclose any "gay related" issues to parents, straight friends /colleagues.

Imagine living under one roof and working in the same office almost daily and have to face each other within enclose area?

Pls challenge me if i am wrong

[Guest Marad44]

I think sometimes we underestimate our parents....

Good for you briax! I've heard that in the Philippines many parents are accepting & supportive of their son's homosexuality, some even allowing him to bring home the boyfriend for the weekend.

Needless to say, in the west it is even more casual. At parties someone would say his or her brother is gay and the others would chip in, "Yeah one of mine too" in a matter-of-way and order more beer. :whistle:

Edited October 11, 2011 by Marad44

[briax]

Good for you briax! I've heard that in the Philippines many parents are accepting & supportive of their son's homosexuality, some even allowing him to bring home the boyfriend for the weekend.

Thank you but it is really a long long process. I think it took almost ten years. From not saying anything about it, to prepare breakfast for my partner, to telling my relatives that I am not getting married and dun ask anymore, to invite my partner to join us during my graduation, holiday and family gathering, to agreeing to move overseas if I make plans to work overseas with my partner and finally, being concerned enough to ask my partner if we broke up because I was affected by something else. All these took a long long time. And I think she learnt in her own ways and not when I told her directly I am gay. I think she played an important role by allowing me to shape my own life and future.

Coming out or coming home is not always about being loud, noisy and bursting with emotions. Each family has its own way of coping with changes. A gay child's coming out is a form of change in a family, and undeniably in some instances a crisis. The core issue is not about the sexuality of one member, the core issue is what is the existing coping mechanism that the family uses to deal with changes.

[Officeboy]

sad to say that most parents still do not accept their gay son, many r hoping that he would turn str8 some day, hoping that someone would tell them that chances are almost zero

[Foreign Talent]

sad to say that most parents still do not accept their gay son, many r hoping that he would turn str8 some day, hoping that someone would tell them that chances are almost zero

I think you paint an incomplete picture. Allow me to elaborate.

YES some parents do not accept their gay son when they find out he is gay - but that's not the definitive answer. Any parent can change his/her mind on the issue, some parents do not have any information about what it means for a child to be gay, so they freak out. This is normal.

What happens next, however, is very important - and you have not talked about that, so allow me to.

Some parents stop at the freak out stage and go into denial. Others start talking to their friends or looking up information on the web and seek information and the more information they get, the more gay friendly they become.

That is a journey my mum has taken and it took her a good 5 years to go from 'freak out' to 'gay friendly'. Briax said that his parents took double that - ten years.

The gay son does play a vital role in shaping what kind of journey the parent takes after s/he finds out that s/he has a gay son and you can be instrumental in helping your parents' gay education.

It's a very long process that can take many years - and I think it's unfair to focus on the first 5 minutes of a process when it's several years long! It's like looking at the first 100m of a marathon race when it's 42 km long.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Foreign Talent

[Foreign Talent]

Better to hide and not disclose any "gay related" issues to parents, straight friends /colleagues. Imagine living under one roof and working in the same office almost daily and have to face each other within enclose area? Pls challenge me if i am wrong

I don't agree and please allow me to challenge you.

I am completely out of the closet and everyone from my family including my parents, my straight friends and my colleagues (including all the directors) know that I am gay.

My parents are very gay friendly thanks to the fact that I have worked with them to inform them what it means to have a gay son, plus I have very gay-friendly siblings.

I would only befriend gay-friendly straight friends. I would un-friend anyone who is homophobic and have done so many times in the past. I have plenty of straight friends and all of them are gay friendly.

As for my colleagues, they really only care if I do my work well, they don't care whom I have sex with and my work performance is far more important than the fact that I bring my husband to the office Christmas party - in any case, they're all super gay friendly anyway. And no, I don't work in some arty farty industry, I work in finance.

If you have homophobic parents - you could ask yourself why they are so and how you could challenge that.

If you have homophobic straight friends - then ask yourself, why do you tolerate their homophobia? Would you tolerate racist friends? Or sexist friends? So why is homophobia okay?

And if you work in a vehemently homophobic environment - don't you think you should look for a better job? Wouldn't you be happier elsewhere?

Edited October 12, 2011 by GachiMuchi

[gmick]

Hi everyone,

Thanks briax for the thread, its really helpful info.

I am still stuck in the closet, not only because of afraid of rejection from my fam and friends, but also I feel I am not quite ready to let the words "I am gay" out of my own mouth.

The thing is I have no gay friends to talk; to share openly what usually I don't share with my current straight friends. And zero experience with relationship. It's quite depressing, and I dont know where to start. I feel alone, living in my own world, yet when I go to forum like this, I can feel somehow connected.

Good we have ppl around who keep the forum alive with useful posts and not exclusive jo buddy post. :clap:

[Foreign Talent]

Hi everyone, Thanks briax for the thread, its really helpful info. I am still stuck in the closet, not only because of afraid of rejection from my fam and friends, but also I feel I am not quite ready to let the words "I am gay" out of my own mouth. The thing is I have no gay friends to talk; to share openly what usually I don't share with my current straight friends. And zero experience with relationship. It's quite depressing, and I dont know where to start. I feel alone, living in my own world, yet when I go to forum like this, I can feel somehow connected. Good we have ppl around who keep the forum alive with useful posts and not exclusive jo buddy post. :clap:

Hi Gmick,

Allow me to respond and give you some food for thought. I am concerned that you say you don't share with your friends - straight or otherwise.

Life will have it's ups and downs and it's when you have your share of downs that you really, really need your real friends to be by your side.

Friends are more than people you go out and party with, sharing good times - they are also people who are there for you when you are down and by that same token, you'll be there for them when they are down. In that knowledge, you feel safe and secure in that friendship knowing you're there for each other in good times and bad.

You seem to have no confidence in your friendships - you think you may be rejected and dumped like a used piece of tissue paper. Well let me tell you this: real friends are always there for each other regardless of the situation, we don't judge each other, we don't impose our personal opinions - instead, we respect each other, we trust each other and most of all, we know we are there for each other no matter what.

I find it sad really, that you've not found a friend who has that kind of friendship with you. Friends like that are hard to come by, but you need to foster and build the relationship with the right friend in order for it to grow into the kind of friendship whereby you know can weather any storm.

Like many gay people, I have plenty of straight friends who are totally gay friendly (yes here in Singapore). There are plenty of straight people who are gay friendly, you just have to hold on to the ones who are gay friendly and stay away from the ones who are obviously homophobic.

I don't think the problem is that you don't know how to make friends - the problem is that you can't even accept yourself as a gay man and love yourself as a gay man. And you think, if I can't love myself, how can I expect my friends to love me?

I am sure that amongst your straight friends, many of them are very gay friendly - problem lies not with your family or your friends but squarely with you. Now I am not the sayang-sayang brigade here to tell you to love yourself, but I am merely going to point out that in your case, the solution is for you to start loving and accepting yourself for the person you are. Start with yourself, the man in the mirror. Then you can go out to other people around you in the world.

You can spend the rest of your life being miserable and hating yourself or you can learn to embrace the person you are and be your own best friend. That's your choice - many sad people are their own worst enemies because they choose to hate themselves, I urge you not to make that mistake.

[briax]

Hi everyone,

Thanks briax for the thread, its really helpful info.

I am still stuck in the closet, not only because of afraid of rejection from my fam and friends, but also I feel I am not quite ready to let the words "I am gay" out of my own mouth.

The thing is I have no gay friends to talk; to share openly what usually I don't share with my current straight friends. And zero experience with relationship. It's quite depressing, and I dont know where to start. I feel alone, living in my own world, yet when I go to forum like this, I can feel somehow connected.

Good we have ppl around who keep the forum alive with useful posts and not exclusive jo buddy post. :clap:

Thank you Gmick and I am glad these information can be of help to you. May I add that many people also think that it is very important to come out to someone out there. But the most important and often the biggest challenge is coming out to yourself. And gradually make peace with yourself. If you have taken the first step to accept yourself, that is already a big obstacle removed.

The time will come when you realise you need to connect with someone real out there. It was a frightening experience for me when I made that first move at 24 (yup, I was a very late bloomer) and I remember the adrenaline rush meeting the first person outside the old National Library. I thought I would die or run when I opened my mouth to say Hi, but that was history.

The first coming out to someone can sometimes be very symbolic. And if you are not very sure or comfortable with who you are, you sometimes end up feeling rejected, unaccepted or ostracised. Therefore, while I valued the coming out process, I also tell people to take it slow, find the right person and be prepared for any reaction (or no reaction).

That being said, if there is a need to ventilate or share about your own struggles, you can always talk to someone anonymously on a hotline or in the forum. It is for a better mental well being to let out some stress.

Here i shall repeat the Oogachaga hotline number if you need to call 6226 2002 (Tue,Wed,Thu 7 to 10pm or Sat 2 to 6pm). If it is too uncomfortable to speak on the phone, you can use our email counselling services on www.oogachaga.com/care. On those days you could not get us, you can always call SOS hotline 1800 221 4444. We have conducted some training for the SOS volunteers so most of them will have a slight understanding on LGBT issues.

Remember, baby step...you will get there eventually.

[gmick]

Hey Foreign Talent and briax, thanks for the sharing.

Sorry briax, not my intention to hijack your thread . If it felt so, let me know through pm, thanks.

I am really sucker for making friends. I have few friends and very few good friends. And I do share my ups and downs in life with them, expect the gay part.

After I read your post, Foreign Talent, I do really want to tell them about it,

I've always come across this term "come out to yourself as gay man". But i'm wondering, what exactly the action of these word is?

I myself have come to a conclusion recently that I really like men and can only picture myself forming a family with a man, not a woman.

I then filled in myself with crucial info like safesex, and go to forum like this, but thats it. I am currently at this stage. Maybe from this forum I can meet up good people and good friends, I dont know. But thanks again for your insight, Foreign Talent.

I have stopped telling myself that I may be bisexual or even can convert to straight, and all that shit, cos I realize the point I describe above.

[Guest Marad44]

...hoping that he would turn str8 some day...

I knew Raymond & Sheryl who worked at the same restaurant. Sheryl believed she could change gay Raymond's sexuality. One night she got Raymond drunk, took him to her apartment, stimulated him into sex. Sheryl declared victory the next day but Raymond would not accept he was bi.

[Officeboy]

Wow sheryl is wonderful, she can accept a guy who plays around with other guys and with her, she is happy owning just 50% of raymond? Thats if raymond likes her too. I guess love makes u do crazy things

[Allegro]

I knew Raymond & Sheryl who worked at the same restaurant. Sheryl believed she could change gay Raymond's sexuality. One night she got Raymond drunk, took him to her apartment, stimulated him into sex. Sheryl declared victory the next day but Raymond would not accept he was bi.

I don't see how making a gay drunk and tricking him into having sex be victory?

[Officeboy]

Sheryl was blinded by her one sided love for him, thats y she is happy for that night at least. Maybe to her, love is not posessing all of him

[fab]

I dont see the need to come out.

REspect each others space, especially for those who know their parents/families who are unable to accept it.

[Guest Marad44]

Pros & Cons of Coming Out: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1715991/the_pros_and_cons_of_coming_out_as.html?cat=7

Another lively Forum: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/26862-pros-vs-cons-coming-out.html

~Marad

[Officeboy]

Come out only when u r able to bear the consequences. when u come out, dun expect that guy to keep it a secret, expect that others n even ur parents would know too. Thats ywe have this online community to share our problem with, which is considered much safer than coming out!

[Guest Marad44]

I don't see how making a gay drunk and tricking him into having sex be victory?

Raymond & Sheryl had this challenge going on for sometime. It was an amusing topic among the restaurant customers who were split between supporting Raymond and Sheryl. So, when Sheryl got Raymond into her arms and made him do what she had vowed she would, Raymond had to admit defeat amidst cheers and jeers but insisted he was out and out gay despite confessing he had intercourse.

[Guest Marad44]

Come out only when u r able to bear the consequences...

Well put OB. Coming out has to be tailor-made, is not off the shelf.

[Foreign Talent]

Come out only when u r able to bear the consequences. when u come out, dun expect that guy to keep it a secret, expect that others n even ur parents would know too. Thats ywe have this online community to share our problem with, which is considered much safer than coming out!

I find it so bizarre that you're obviously anti-coming out, you know, that's fine - that's your personal choice. But you then go and use a very clear face pic on your profile, easily recognizable so anyone can look at that photo and go - aaah so that's him etc. Seems kinda strange that's all.

My take is simple: if you wanna stay in the closet, then fine, but shut the door. Don't go posting your face pics on gay websites etc.

[Guest Guest]

I find it so bizarre that you're obviously anti-coming out, you know, that's fine - that's your personal choice. But you then go and use a very clear face pic on your profile, easily recognizable so anyone can look at that photo and go - aaah so that's him etc. Seems kinda strange that's all.

My take is simple: if you wanna stay in the closet, then fine, but shut the door. Don't go posting your face pics on gay websites etc.

Are you stupid or are you stupid?

Since when did Officeboy say that he himself had a personal problem with coming out?

[Guest Just another closeted gay]

Coming out is very personal.

Don't pressure people to come out. sometimes the pressure might cause the guy to become suicidal and depress,I should know because I have experienced it.

And FT,I agree with what Office boy opinion. And it is good to be tactful and not give knee jerk opinions.

There are guys around who threaten to out you publicly and stalk you virtually after you rejected them because It's obvious they just want to satisfy their own carnal lust and they will leave after having sex with you.

[Foreign Talent]

Hey Foreign Talent and briax, thanks for the sharing.

I've always come across this term "come out to yourself as gay man". But i'm wondering, what exactly the action of these word is?

I have stopped telling myself that I may be bisexual or even can convert to straight, and all that shit, cos I realize the point I describe above.

You have pretty much hit the nail on the head - it merely means accepting that you are gay and its simply who you are - like having black hair or being right handed etc. Once you accept it (rather than fight it or wish you could change it etc) - then you can just get on with your life really.

[Foreign Talent]

Are you stupid or are you stupid? Since when did Officeboy say that he himself had a personal problem with coming out?

Are you rude or are you rude? Do you know how to express an opinion without being rude? Obviously your parents never taught you any better. Tut tut tut.

[biscuits]

I knew someone who's mum was senile, he would come out to her every day. She would forget.

Thanks Briax for the insight on "Coming Home". Never saw that.

I hope this doesn't come across as hijacking but was intrigued by the responses. I hope my question doesn't throw the thread off its original topic.

As seen in the response, everyone has mixed feelings pertaining the the decision to come out.

So I'm just curious, "Why is coming out important or not important to you?"

Peace.

[suckling_pig]

So I'm just curious, "Why is coming out important or not important to you?"

It is important to me because i can live this life to its fullest. Its that simple.

The alternative would be forever hiding in the shadows, afraid and alone. How can one develop himself fully if he spends half his energy maintaining a mask or worse still a double life?

[briax]

Come out only when u r able to bear the consequences. when u come out, dun expect that guy to keep it a secret, expect that others n even ur parents would know too. Thats ywe have this online community to share our problem with, which is considered much safer than coming out!

I agreed with this. Everyone has different background, family, religious affiliation or personal issues. Coming out will bring about different scenarios so it has to be a well thought decision.

I will also add that there will be a difference how people react to you when you are not prepared. In many cases, people may not accept very quickly when you are presenting a different self, a part of you which they are not familiar with. But if you are more prepared with answers to some potential questions, or you are emotionally stable, people are less likely to brush it away quickly.

The worst thing I realised is that you come out when you are angry. First, you are not in the state of mind to talk to people calmly. Second, you are probably not prepared for any consequence. Third, people think you are angry, depressed or unstable as the result of you being gay. And when these people are concerned about your well being, they are more likely to think you have a problem and they need to find ways to 'fix' you so that you dun suffer any more. Sadly, none of these will help you to reach out to people you wish for acceptance.

So yes, if the decision is to come out, make sure you have it thought out, on how, when, what and where. And approach it as calmly (challenging bit) as possible.

[briax]

I find it so bizarre that you're obviously anti-coming out, you know, that's fine - that's your personal choice. But you then go and use a very clear face pic on your profile, easily recognizable so anyone can look at that photo and go - aaah so that's him etc. Seems kinda strange that's all.

Actually there is nothing bizzare about this. And this is speaking from my own observations of how people express their level of comfort in relation with sexual orientation these days. Increasingly we are seeing people out online but not out in person. And it is always an assumption that once a person is out, he is out everywhere. The fact is, not everyone is out universally everywhere.

In the same way, I will argue with some gay activists in Singapore, if you think a gay young man is out and proud when he is clubbing in a gay club, hanging out in a gay event or being open about his sexual orientation online, and they should not have problem dealing with their sexuality. Then you did not appreciate that it was just being out in a specific social context. You might be surprised that many of these gay men (young or old) might be out there without figuring what does it mean by being a gay man. I personally think some of these thoughts about gay equal sex, gay equal clubbing, gay equal having a bf, gay equal out and proud has completely hijacked the idea of being a gay person. Again, not that being a gay is anything fanciful.

If one promotes the rights to lead a different and open life, one will also need to recognise the rights to come out at one's pace or space. We just need to remember there is always diversity within the gay community.

Edited October 14, 2011 by briax

[briax]

I knew someone who's mum was senile, he would come out to her every day. She would forget.

Thanks Briax for the insight on "Coming Home". Never saw that.

I hope this doesn't come across as hijacking but was intrigued by the responses. I hope my question doesn't throw the thread off its original topic.

As seen in the response, everyone has mixed feelings pertaining the the decision to come out.

So I'm just curious, "Why is coming out important or not important to you?"

Peace.

This is an interesting question for me. The situation is, I am in a role which requires me to out myself very frequently. And there are very valid and useful purpose for me to come out in most situations. First, it is to present a face to the people I speak to, that gay in Singapore is not some nameless faceless people report in local media, particularly for those who think they do not know anyone gay (I personally think it is simply because they have not been presented with a chance) Second, it is to tell those who are still in a closet that it is okie to take their time but there will be a gay man who they can talk to if they need to. I have countless trainees or students dropping a note to tell me about themselves after my lectures. I guess it really to tell them that they are not alone.

So, back to your question. My answer is I will not place myself in a situation that I have hide myself. Even in In Camp Training, I tell whoever who ask. And that has nothing to do with bravery, that is merely to be fair with myself.

[Foreign Talent]

So I'm just curious, "Why is coming out important or not important to you?"

Peace.

It's a litmus test really.

I feel very sad when I read about the stories of all these closeted gay men here who write that they are so scared of their friends finding out about their sexuality, like their friends are going to ridicule, bully, mock them once the issue of their sexuality is out in the open.

And I think, woah. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

It's not that I have to come out to everyone I know, in fact, I am not out to everyone I know (eg. neighbours whom I don't know very well etc) - however, I never live in fear of someone dumping me as a friend because of my sexuality. If they're not comfortable with me being gay, then you know what, they can fxxk off, I don't want them to be a part of my life either.

[Magenta_Lilies]

This may be a wimpy way of coming out to your loved ones but the three instances that I had came out to my friends, colleague and cousin were when we had had a few too much to drink.

1) The first time ever that I had came out to anyone were to my NIE mates, a few months back. We were holidaying in Genting and had bought some drinks and were drinking in the room. We were all tipsy and we discussed about some intimate things about our lives, marriage problems, our teaching careers, life in general etc. And all of a sudden, i felt like coming out to them. It took a lot for me to say it out and I was bawling for a good 5 minutes before telling them. They were surprised but accepted it (probably the drinks talkin). But the next day, after sobering up, they still remember the conversation and seem to be alright with it. We still do keep in touch.

2) A month later, was out having some post-concert drinks with a couple of colleagues, a guy and a girl. I know the dude is gay and after a couple of drinks, I spurted out to him that I am gay. He smiled and he said he knew. haha. and Im really glad i came out to him. At least, at work we can talk about dudes we like, sex trysts and anything under the sun concerning gayness! I didnt regret that moment, not in a million years!

3) Yesterday night, I was out clubbing with a close cousin of mine and some of her friends. After we had quite a bit to drink, I decided to came out to her. She said she was really happy for me and that she always kinda knew and was waiting for me to out myself. And all night, we just talked and talked about our lives (while still tipsy) and I felt great knowing that a close relative of mine knows.

Now comes the dilemma.. I will be heading for a short getaway with a couple of my NS friends and for damn sure we're gonna do a lot of drinking. I'm contemplating as to whether I should come out to them while getting ourselves half-ass drunk. And I intend to do that on the first day of the trip but am afraid they might not take it too well and that'll spoil the rest of our holidays. The reason as to why i wanna do it on the first night is to avoid any digs they might make about visiting massage parlours and have sex and all that shit. I mean, it's phuket after all. So, by getting it out of the way on the first night, I dun have to deal with them 'forcing' me to go for sex massages (with ladies). Argh,, some of you guys may say that I'm such a twerp to come out to my peeps for that lame reason but I feel that should know since they're my closest peeps.

Anywho, will any of you term it as a wimpy way of coming out to your loved ones? While both parties are under the influence.. I guess it makes it easier.. And of course, I can't do this with my parents but I would rather my friends and relatives (around my age) know first..

[orlyz]

Hm, I don't quite know where I stand on this. I've never really liked the idea of confessing or having someone confess to me something while drunk. Just now how I roll lah. One time, I had someone confess to me on the phone that he liked me... and I just went, 'wtf dude.' I mean, really... telling someone you like them while you're drunk? Not cool man. I won't term it 'wimpy'.. who am I to judge you for it anyway? But there are certainly better ways of telling someone you're gay that does not involve alcohol. If your army friends are really your 'closest peeps', they'll respect you enough to not force you to do anything you don't want to. Just be firm and say no if they force you to go to massage parlours, have sex and all that shit.

[keyboard]

vodka_supernova :clap:

I don't even dare to out myself even when I'm tipsy, so I'm a bigger wimp then?

[Magenta_Lilies]

Thanks for your view orlyz

Of course i did it when the other party is tipsy.. and not when they're skunk drunk.. all is good though.. The fact that they remember what I have expressed is good enough for me i guess.,

And btw, I just came out to my sister today (looks like im on a roll huh) while we were both having lunch outside, which we rarely do.. And it felt good.. She said she had always gotten an inkling with regards to what my orientation is.. And she accepted it with a tinge of heavy-heartedness.. We are gonna work on it..

Awww keyboard, you're no wimp..

[keyboard]

I got to know a new group of "classmates" recently with my new part-time course, a group of 24-27 years old, keep talking about girlfriends and marriage. And inevitably me being single and trying to match-make become hot topics... BIG HAIZ

[SeannyShortcake]

A roll indeed.

I came out to my friends first.

It was only when I found myself having more aj friends that my colleagues/relatives/parents came to be in the know.

[XiaoMessy]

I came out even without being tipsy.

Not saying wimpy or not, but.

You don't necessary have to resort to alcohol!

Edited December 12, 2011 by XiaoMessy

[Mercutio]

But it does make things easier sometimes and for some people. Bottled courage.

Just don't go too flaming overboard, I guess, else circumstances may go beyond one's control...

TS: "(hic) Janet, J-a-a-a-a-net (hic), there's shumptin' I need to tell youu, shumptin' important... (hic)... I .... I .....(hic)... errr .... chia lat .... fxxking hell what washit ah ... wait .... (hic) .... let me think .... yeah .... (hic) .... why you so fat ah??"

[Guest DarylKJ]

I just came out and now I feel so weird !!! How am I suppose to feel???

[desmondtongky]

You mean you told your parents about your sexuality?

[descca]

I just came out and now I feel so weird !!! How am I suppose to feel???

How they took the news?

[oxymorons]

let time take it's course and you'll know for yourself...

when i came out to mine, i felt a great relief and a sense of freedom from within, no lie.

/csb

[Guest DarylKJ]

How they took the news?

my mom said its to early to confirm cause it might be hormonal imbalance due to puberty and my dad hasn said anything about it yet though he look normal...

[Guest DarylKJ]

let time take it's course and you'll know for yourself...

when i came out to mine, i felt a great relief and a sense of freedom from within, no lie.

/csb

I don't feel a sense of freedom, just so awkward ... My mom is not accepting it yet cause she thinks it might be cause by puberty and my dad hasn't said anything about it . I just hope it will get better