Q J's Story

[thedoctor]

I'm new here, and I just feel like pouring out my heart.

 

Especially since there are people who are doing it, why not another?

 

1. The Introduction : Secondary One and Luke

 

I've been out of the closet for about 7 years, but when did I exactly realise I was different? I guess it had to be when I was in Secondary 1.

 

The transition was seamless, I got into the school of my choice - an all-boys school. I was fortunate enough to be transferred into the interim boarding school (I was a foreign student since Primary 3) and it was a challenge at first to keep up with the pace.

 

Friends were made and brotherhood was formed during the orientation, but I was the oddball. Until "The Dunking" was around the corner.

 

The seniors announced that they'd be selecting someone at random from the batch to throw into the school pool; and Luke (name changed to conceal identity) started to curse under his breath. "Damn it. I can't swim, hope it isn't me." 

 

Luke was this scrawny wallflower with a feisty attitude who was ready to curse and mutter inklings of hate at every moment. He was unnoticeable, well, to everybody. We were neighbours within the hostel; a relationship that started from a box of books.

 

a. Luke and The Dunking

 

Luke was grunting, cursing under his breath (an idiosyncrasy which I particularly found amusing in a guy of his frame) as he walked up the stairs to the third floor with two boxes stacked on top of each other.

 

Years spent abroad and away from home taught me to move around light; Luke seemed to be some hoarder. I offered to help him, but he refused, only agreeing to receive help when he almost fell backwards into me. The walk up was pretty silent, but he was generous with his gratitude.

 

The week before school started, I got to know Luke better as we'd meet out for lunch and dinners. Turns out that Luke isn't a foreign student, but he got permission to bunk into boarding school - seemingly never returning home on weekends even. I guessed his parents were travelling very often, and never asked any further.

 

Come orientation, we got separated as we were in different classes, meeting only for study hall and dinners. I noticed that he always had his nose in various books, the weirdest I ever saw was Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus. The avid reader in him rendered him helpless at times, like how he'd walk into pillars.

 

My classmates would mock him senselessly whenever he'd pass by, but he seemed to take it up like a man. I must admit that I was sold into him at that point in time, but I didn't think about it.

 

So flash forward to "The Dunking", he confided to me that he never learnt to swim and he hoped that he'll never get selected. Lo and behold, when they released the names of the "most exalted" one, my dear friend here was It.

 

I went up to the orientation leader, and told him that Luke can't swim. What I thought would save him the next day made it worst when he was put to the edge and asked to jump into the water himself. I watched as they mocked him for being unable to swim, a fact that Luke told me not to reveal.

 

I could see that he was muttering under his breath again, and I felt very heavy.

 

I had to do something.

 

So I ran and jumped into the pool myself, emerged from the depth and cried, "Happy? You have someone in the pool now. Luke can't swim, so let him off. What if he drowns?"

 

Luke looked at me in shock, amidst the bewilderment of all the other orientation leaders and other batch mates. The seniors pulled me from the pool and started the second part of "The Dunking".

 

That evening, Luke was helping me clean up the marker drawings on my face and arms while laughing about how funny it was to hear me scream and shout as the seniors and other batch mates took their round to doodle on the human canvas.

 

"Be careful, I saved you from the pool alright?"

 

"Alright. I know that," he responded then looking a bit sad, "You shouldn't have - at the worst I wouldn't mind drowning."

 

I shot him a very mean look. Though I was just a year older than Luke, there was so much weight in those words. "Never say that you'll die, okay? Promise me that."

 

Reluctantly he agreed, but left me to finish up as his room mate (a Secondary 3 school mate) came to find him. It was close to midnight.

 

b. Bonding in school, and the Girl.

 

We got by another week with the same routine - which I got used to at last: up by 6AM for school, back by 5PM for study hall and dinner where Luke and I caught up at least thrice a week because he was up for third language in another school.

 

We were also in the same ECAs (subsequently CCAs after the change in system a year later), and we bonded quite a bit. Luke started to be bolder and told me to seek permission to return back to school late due to "tuition"- a lie we stuck to till we graduated whenever we wanted to skip study hall.

 

I'd leave school and wait at the McDonalds in the town centre after afternoon classes, where we'd proceed for dinner at the food centre, and then went back to the hostel. I started running in the evenings just before we were supposed to have lights out, and he'd join me.

 

At track practices, we'd compete for the various events upcoming, he was a better sprinter while I was the long-distance runner; while in drama club, we observed the seniors and prepare for the annual production.

 

On Saturdays, dinner was still on, except that Luke would ask me over to his room to study together after he's done with Scouts before we head out for dinner. I always asked him about him participating in so many ECAs, but he often just shrugged and said that his grandmother would be happy if he spent his time in school activities and school work. 

 

Luke and I would spend Sundays by ourselves; I'd be with my uncle who works in Singapore while he has church and he spends time studying on Sundays.

 

Just before the mid-terms, Luke told me about this girl in his Japanese class who was a loud-mouth and how much he hated her. I casually commented that he should tell her that he already has a boyfriend, and we laughed at the possible ways to get back at her loud-mouthed ways.

 

The girl, Eileen, whom I eventually met was just like how he described. Plump, loud and so brash, I prayed that I'd never find someone like her in the future, and I started thinking about this apparent "future figure".

 

After awhile, the dinners became an once-a-week occurrence because he liked Eileen. I noticed that Eileen comes by on Saturdays often to study with us; but it stopped once her father found out that she was in a hostel room with two other boys - and that I was a year older.

 

That meant that Saturday's study session was at King Albert Park for the both of them now, while I'd sleep in and wonder if I'd have a connection with someone, anyone.

 

I never felt so lonely - like someone was torn away from my life suddenly. I evaluated and decided to run a short experiment.

 

c. The Experiment and Experience

 

It started as a way to clear my mind, but I got even more confused.

 

I limited meeting Luke on weekdays to when he was ever back for study hall, and on Sunday nights when I came back. We'd start to leave each other notes under our doors because I pretended that I wasn't in my room when he knocked.

 

Whoever said that absence makes the heart fonder really made that point. By the time June came, and I usually return to Jakarta, I made the decision not to return. I wanted to hang out with Luke a lot, but as I committed to staying in hostel for June, Luke was selected for a jamboree and would be away for the entirety of June.

 

I was devastated, and as I came back from my uncle's place one Sunday, his room mate (Jerome) saw me crying as I walked up to my room.

 

As we were hostel mates, Jerome was like a brother to us. I realised that Jerome had a troubled family, which was why he stays in - and that Luke's father was violent, which led to him staying indefinitely in hostel too. As Jerome shared, I realised even more I want to just meet with Luke.

 

I told Jerome how I felt, and I crashed in with Jerome that night. It was the first time I had someone who'd hug me and hold me as I slept. Until Luke returned, I'd occasionally sleep with Jerome who really was being very sweet.

 

I eventually lost my virginity to Jerome.

 

Jerome and I made a pact not to share this "special" bond, but I felt like another door has shut in my face. There I was, new to this experience that felt good - and it stopped.

 

When Luke came back, mum's the word and I welcomed him. He tanned quite a bit during his time overseas, and I realised during chapel that the feelings I had for Luke were more than just friendship, but romantic. I remembered what Jerome told me about hiding such things from other people, so I swore to God one day that I will fiercely stand by Luke as a friend. What I cannot have to love, I want to keep still as close as I can.

 

d. Luke and the Birthday Gift

 

The third quarter of the year and it's my birthday - a few days before Luke's. Because I didn't return home during the June holidays, my parents came to visit after the exams has ended, and we were preparing full gear into our drama club's production.

 

Luke left a note to find him in his room. When I walked in, he told me to crash in with him since Jerome has left the country for some competition.

 

And he gave me a coral shell, which he found while at the Jamboree in June. He wished that he knew what was home, and thanked me for being his friend. That night, he opened up about his father's violent streak (which I already know from Jerome) and as we crashed for the night, he told me to take Luke's bed. It was a funny feeling as I have slept very often on that bed once and I wasn't ready to do so again.

 

As much as he was disappointed, Luke was alright that I couldn't spend the night.

 

Before I left, Luke told me that he wished that girlfriend (in the future) could be just like I was to him. I told him that he will; while inside me, I wished I had the guts to tell him there and then that I want to be with him.

 

Nonetheless, that statement from him was my self-declared birthday gift from Luke.

 

We resumed our frequent meetups for dinner, as Luke was too lazy to meet up with Eileen anymore and she was going overseas for the upcoming holidays. It was just me and Luke throughout the entire year-end holiday period.

 

We got re-assigned and I moved in with Luke during the holidays, I requested to have the same arrangement when the next school year started and it was approved. I never felt any happier - being closer to my best friend.

 

That concluded Secondary One for me, but the start of something bigger in Luke's life, which I'll share in my next post.

 

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I will be overseas next week till May, will update when I have the time.

 

Feel free to share your thoughts.

Edited April 11, 2013 by thedoctor

[Guest ~SweetHeart~]

Thank you for sharing.. I really enjoy reading stories about what happened in sch or during sch period n this story seems to be capturing my interest...

Will definitely be waiting for more episodes!! Can't wait!!

[smokey]

Woots ! I never knew I was this much in love with literature . Love this story . Waiting patiently for the next instalment .

[omgwthwtf]

How come suddenly got Derrick? lol.

[Guest stephen_K]

Haha..I was wondering the same #omgwthwrf..hahah..could Derrick and Luke be the same person?

[thedoctor]

Haha..I was wondering the same #omgwthwrf..hahah..could Derrick and Luke be the same person?

 

 

How come suddenly got Derrick? lol.

 

Yes, and I have rectified it. Upcoming with Part 2.

Edited April 11, 2013 by thedoctor

[thedoctor]

 
I am in Hong Kong, unable to sleep - and decided to just pick up from where I left off.
 
I have missed out on the editing and yes, some of you have realised that Derrick = Luke, but nonetheless I will continue to write him as Luke because I don't want him to come onboard and read this, in case he's still around.
 
Last I heard, he moved to Perth after JC, which is another part of this story I have drafted.
 
2. Secondary Two
 
Luke and I decided to bunk in after the holidays started. He continued to stay in boarding school, only returning home during the weekends and on occasional weekdays while I went back to Jakarta for 2 weeks. I couldn't wait to get back to Singapore.
 
Once I was back, arrangements were made for me and Luke to co-reside in the same room. Jerome moved to another block with fellow seniors, and somewhat kept his distance from me. I got used to sleeping on the bed where possibly many other boys (and I) could have lost it to Jerome.
 
I had faith to believe that Luke was never subjected to what Jerome is capable of doing, partly because Luke is neither good looking, or a sociable kid.  
 
 
a. The Surprise
 
Luke got into the school choir after a teacher heard him sing while I was playing the guitar by the running tracks post-Christmas; and it was SYF year.
 
So while he dropped out of Japanese class (to my relief), he successfully auditioned for MEP (as he didn't get selected in Secondary one) which didn't help one bit, except to get rid of Eileen - who'd still occasionally drop in for dinner with us.
 
We tried to keep to our schedule, but we managed to only meet for Track practices, Drama club rehearsals, the occasional dinner; and then back at the hostel; closer to SYF period, Luke left drama club for the choir. “Well, he missed out,” I'd think to myself whenever the team hit a new high with working towards our new production and also preparing for the following year's competition.
 
Day in and out of our room, Luke would either be practicing on his cello, or singing his lines while I'd go through my own lines for the production and pour myself over work. On the weekends, he'd join me to study and catch up on the work he'd miss out due to rehearsals.
 
Thinking back, seeing how helpless Luke was carrying his cello case on his back really brings a chuckle - imagine a lamb struggling through the crowd with the huge weight on its back while a wolf will leer on from the side. 'Yum, free catch tonight,' though the wolf to itself.
 
I was lying on my bed reading for next day's Literature assignment (Julius Caesar) when he returned from MEP practice looking pale.
 
“Eileen got transferred from third lang to MEP.”
 
‘That skank!’ I thought to myself loudly, and I couldn't focus on the text before me anymore.
 
“Yeah,” Luke nodded, “She plays the piano very well.”
 
'TALENTED SKANK.', it resounded in my head. But I responded pretty neutrally, “I didn't know our MEP class was combined with another school?”
 
Apparently so, and poor Luke was partnered with her for a research paper. I use to hate it and be somewhat upset when Luke has to spend time with other people, even worst if it was Eileen and this really bites the dust.
 
Our weekends were cut short on occasions where Eileen would appear in campus and prance off with Luke; and our weekdays as well when choir practices intensified.
 
 
b. The Party
 
I put myself into extra sessions with the Drama Club, considering I won't be doing anything more than just wait till Luke returns, shower and plonk back on bed, carrying different gears for the various activities.
 
Mondays and Thursdays with the choir file, Tuesdays and Fridays with his cello and iBook (and Eileen if he is unfortunate enough to be back earlier), Saturdays with his Scouts gear. We'd have dinner together on Wednesdays in school and on Sundays, after an afternoon of studying (unless Eileen has another research disaster).
 
My obvious dislike for Eileen came up in our discussions and I'd say that maybe Luke felt the strain, as he'd avoid talking about EIleen, which limited small talk. She was obviously trying to set herself up with him.
 
One day during recess, there was suddenly a message being passed around the student body and reached me: a party with alcohol was set to happen at this popular senior's house for his birthday. The details were fuzzy, and all I could remember about it was that Luke went for it because the senior was attracted to Eileen.
 
I didn't go for it because it was the week before the tech rehearsals at the old drama centre at Fort Canning.
 
I reached the hostel later than usual, and by coincidence Luke was making his way up, with other seniors and fellow hostel mates (mainly choir guys). They didn't look any different, but what happened next really caught me unaware.
 
Luke opened his drawer and there was a bottle of gin (i think); and asked if I wanted to join him. I had never drunk alcohol prior to this, and I refused flatly. I didn't want to be caught with alcohol, but he refused to put it down and wanted to leave the room with it, so I reluctantly took a bit.
 
I woke up the next morning with a headache. Luke was still asleep... on the same bed with me. I could tell from his jeans that he was hard, I got tempted - after all how would he know?
 
I removed his jeans and found out that he goes commando, has a cut little brother and it was thick too. I didn't dare to do anything. I just decided to strip off my clothes and pretended to be equally hungover and dazed when he woke up cuddled next to naked me.
 
When we were finally clear, and put aside the things in the room, he told me not to reveal his little alcohol secret. He admitted further that he started drinking when I was away and the seniors were bringing the juniors out for supper and had drinks around and stole one of his father's bottles one day to “prove his worth” to them.
 
Nevertheless, he never got the chance to show it to anyone.
 
We swore to stay sober for the rest of the year, rewarding each other with what's left of the bottle of gin after.
 
In my heart, I couldn't believe that over a year ago, this was the same guy who walked into a pillar in the canteen while reading and walking. In my heart, he got cuter and this boy-ish, mischievous charm that I am unable to let go of the image of that early Saturday morning till this day.
 
 
A resident in the nearby district complained about rowdy boys, and we were shaved very closely when only the senior blocks were searched and only pornographic magazines were found. What those were compared to today's context of “pornography” are miles apart from the brazen pussy- and tit-fest, but those seniors got away with a warning.
 
That bottle of gin, or whatever it was, was brought to my uncle's place and stored in my cupboard there the week after.
 
 
c. Eric
 
The weeks lading up to SYF was stress for Luke. He was rehearsing everyday except for weekends; and was excused from classes and any other CCAs, while I could only look and see as he walked in and out.
 
Also, I was busy with rehearsing for the drama club production. We really wanted it to be a big bang, especially for the (soon to be) leaving seniors, and especially for me, Eric.
 
Eric was one of the most outstanding thespians that the school has come across, what Mariah Carey can do with her singing, he can raise that amount of stage presence with just his speaking voice.
 
He was also in charge of the set design team, which I was in. I was pretty detached to anyone else, considering my growing interests in Luke; yet Eric was one who was pretty prominent.
 
But one day, Eric managed to catch up with me as I was walking to the bus stop to get to the drama centre on Saturday. The bus ride was entertaining with he sharing about how he learnt a lot from our teachers and the instructors who have led workshops for the club. His passion really spun me around and ignited a spark for theatre and drama.
 
While we were working on the backdrop for our show, Eric took my hand and guided me to loop and secure it to the fly bar. The touch of his slightly rough hands and the musky sweat of his body really made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to focus and we managed to finish work before the evening, and we went back together with the other club members.
 
While separating our ways at the bus stop where we met earlier that day, he called out and asked if I'd be interested to join him for dinner with his parents at home. I welcomed the idea since it was too late for food at the canteen anyway, and he lived near school.
 
Eric's parents were a lively bunch, and were specially warm when he told them that I was a foreign student.
 
After dinner, Eric and I were exchanging stories about random things from before, and he asked if I'd be fine if he changed before me. I told him I was fine and I won't peek. While he was changing, we continued to talk about teachers and other stuff.
 
Shortly after, his parents invited me to stay over, apparently our chattering has really went late; and they felt that it'll be safer for me to stay than to walk back to the hostel.
 
While I rested on his bed, Eric laid a mattress and was preparing to sleep on the floor. Suddenly he popped a question I thought I'd never hear from him. Unexpectedly, he asked, “Have you tried sleeping with someone holding you?”
 
“Like in TV shows?”
 
“No, QJ (my name), like just two friends who share the same bed.”
 
“I never tried that before, I always had my own bed.”
 
“We can try, I never exactly tried it except on stage for our shows.”
 
I slipped off the bed and laid next to him, with fear slowly creeping up on me. I didn't like how this ended the last time round; but I admit that I really like to hold on to something while I sleep (even till this day).
 
Like how it was, we just cuddled and held each other. When I woke up the next morning, I quickly made my way back to hostel, in time to prepare and leave for my uncle's place for lunch. Luke was still sleeping in my bed still in his PE attire when I left, seemingly oblivious that his friend never returned. He could have possibly just slept without showering, but it didn't matter to me.
 
d. The Production and the result
 
As usual, the choir got their Gold for the SYF. and it was my turn to play hide and seek with Luke. It was unfortunate that we did not have phone messaging then, but I know that he missed spending time with me, judging from the notes he left on my desk by the time I returned from rehearsals.
 
I once thought to myself if I were able to live if life was just like that - a massive wall of notes collected for each other to read.
 
On the other hand, I was engaged by Eric who was playing the lead in the train sequence of our production. He'd grab my hand occasionally, and when I was alone, he'd grab me from the back. I really felt good, having someone in the immediate vicinity that cared for me.
 
I managed to catch Luke for dinner days before the opening night, and he dropped the news that Eileen will be going for the second night with him; and he suggested to go back together after the show. I agreed, and I really was looking forward to it.
 
What I fail to remember was that the seniors and club was planning a post show bash for Eric, whose birthday fell on that day.
 
So after a vigourous thought process, which I never fretted so much, I told Luke that I wasn't able to meet him and that he should just go back first with Eileen when we met post-show. The subtle hint of disappointment in his voice, and how he turned seemed like a dramatic flare to me, even till this day it felt like a dog who walked away with his tail between both hind legs, sad and helpless.
 
That night, I got permission from the hostel block master to not return, claiming that I would be staying over at my uncle's. After a long dinner, Eric, another senior and I shared the same cab to our area. Three tired souls slouched against each other, with Eric in the middle, and I held on to his hand since the other senior (I think was WH) was already asleep.
 
Once WH got off, I asked if we could drop off at Eric's block and he agreed. Once we got off, we hung out at the void deck and I started fearing for my life.
 
I admit, we did have some drinks at Fort Canning on the guise of a post-show supper to get the teachers off our backs; and Eric was a light drinker. He had his hand on me and he told me to stay with him until he sobered up because his parents won't be happy that he came home drunk and worst that his parents would kill him if they ever know about tonight's drinking.
 
Then he kissed me.
 
 
e. Eric (Reprise)
 
We went to the stairwell of his block, which had a corner on the second floor where there was no units accessible (shophouse units). He got frisky and we were getting very warm. I managed to convince him to bring it to his house, where it was much cleaner.
 
How it went was fuzzy for me, but Luke was a matter of the past once morning came. When Eric and I woke up the next morning, we were still slightly high from the action. This wasn't my first time, but the first person whom I really could reciprocate the feelings for.
 
As we cuddled and chat about it, we agreed to keep it quiet as he doesn't want to alarm anyone - especially his parents. The last thing he wants them to know besides that he's seeing anyone during his O-level year, is that he's gay.
 
It was difficult to get up from bed, as he'd lick the nape of my neck which was my ticklish spot. Once we got up and into our clothes, it became difficult for me to be apart from him, my first boyfriend. We agreed to also not tell anyone, as he is not out. He told me that there were rumours of me being gay, and I can only know of one other person who'd know that.
 
I went back to the hostel feeling all right, though it was sad to have left Eric's place. Thinking back, I really had it easy because Eric lived a short walk away from school, a doubled-edged sword that made Romeo and Juliet seemed like kids play.
 
Luke was on his pile of assignments from MEP and his regular school work as I walked in and the first thing he said was that I was wearing Eric's drama club t-shirt (because his name was printed on it). I told him that I was wearing it because I crashed over because we had a long night after supper. Scent thrown off, but I suddenly felt this filth and guilt that slowly bit me. Was I lying to my best friend, or someone I still wished was my boyfriend instead?
 
Dating Eric isn't as easy as it seemed. We had to be off the radar of everybody we know, we hung out like brothers and had to make sure that when we do end up in close proximity we don't end up feeling horny or exceptionally frisky in public. Once almost on the crowded train, we had to remind ourselves not to grind against each other.
 
Drama club, school and Eric, whose parents I’d meet once a week at least on the pretense that he was tutoring me and I’d stay over for the night, surrounded my life. I'd stash a set of clothes to change into the next day as I told Luke that I was staying with my uncle, who has found a permanent place to stay.
 
This honeymoon lasted till August.
 
Luke and I grew so much apart, in part he was busy with his ever-growing pile of assignments, research, CCAs (he was going to Prague later that year for a choir competition) and I was just with Eric.
 
 
f. Red-handed
 
I met Eric as often as we could, and every once in a while too often, we'd have sex in his bedroom while I was supposed to be “tutored”. I liked being the bottom, and have his hands explore me as he cuts into me with his thick and hairy shaft.
 
For someone still going through puberty, Eric grew a lot since we got together in April. By the June holidays, after I returned from Jakarta, he bulked up a little and had hair everywhere. We both went wild one day during June in the hostel and we just laid in bed the whole day naked. (I couldn't remember why Luke wasn't around, either he went back home or he was overseas.)
 
As the months creeped, Eric got a little more tensed, and it showed in our lovemaking. He was addicted to it, while also trying to focus on the prelims. By August, we were doing it often enough that I bled once after sex and we freaked out as it stained his sheets.
 
I felt very used. His bedsheets were more important than my bleeding ass.
 
I started to feel this rift, though he was in me - it felt like a very bad episode of Sex and the City. We decided to stop meeting during the prelims period, but it didn't help that he knew my timetable as well and we decided one day to do it in the school toilet.
 
It was just oral sex, but the way he propped himself for me seemed deliberate. I walked out before he could pull up his pants one time, and told him that I wanted out. I was used as a sex slave, and it didn't matter to him that I was hurting physically and emotionally.
 
“After the prelims, QJ,” he begged, “I promise you things will be right back to normal in September.”
 
The night his prelims ended in September, he became my bottom for once.
 
ONCE.
 
Then.
 
His parents walked in on us. His parents wasn't supposed to be back from their trip until the next morning.
 
That night, I walked back to the hostel from his place and saw WH sitting below the hostel block.
 
“Stop there.” It didn't sound like much, but what he said was with a tone I never comprehended until I was older, “I know what you and Eric were up to.”
 
 
g. Resolving the Lie
 
The break up was tough for me. Eric had to do it for his parents, and they were sending him for psychiatric counseling. While WH promised me that he wouldn't tell, WH helped Eric and I meet up to slowly get over each other, but it was too close to the O-Levels, and I decided that the best way was to return to Jakarta for the entire holidays.
 
I was depressed and angry when we broke up. I told Luke that my grandmother passed away, and I was told not to consider going back to Jakarta. That lie added to the guilt that has mounted in me against him.
 
One day, over a glass of water that spilt, I chewed Luke up so badly, he went home for the rest of the week. It didn't help that Eric avoided me when we see each other at the SAC (canteen).
 
Coming out from our year-end examinations, Luke and I fared pretty well despite the drama. I felt very distant from him, though we still talk on occasion. Having him in the same room, yet being unable to tell him what I've been through (and not remembering much of what he told me) was killing me.
 
Luke and I got into the triple science class, and after some paperwork was filed, Luke got transferred into the humanities class, and I followed suit.
 
I tried rebuilding what I think I've lost, only for Luke to tell me as we were packing up our stuff for the year-end shuffle (i.e. registration for the next academic year's lodging) that it doesn't matter because we should take our turns to be there for each other. We hugged it out and I promised that I'll tell him everything once I come back from Jakarta.
 
I told myself as Luke sent me off at the airport that I will not let some issue in life let me down and cut out someone as dear as he was to me.
 
So when I came back from Jakarta, we exchanged stories of his exciting Prague trip while I shared snacks from Jakarta and boring tales of working in my dad's office during what was supposed to be my holiday.
 
I found the spark back in our friendship, and was glad that we had another year bunking together, though we moved to another block. I managed to escape the duty of befriending new students to the boarding school, while Luke was exempted from it as he had a secret that I only know about late the year after.
 
As promised, I told Luke everything on Christmas Eve of 1999. I came out to him, but I left out the fact that I was hopelessly in love with him. Luke hugged me and told me that he accepted me whatever it is.
 
Eric and I met one final time at the hostel before his last O-level paper. He apologised for being so aggressive and he hoped that we could work things out again, to be friends. I told him that we'd have to work it out in the long run, because he'd be going to a JC and I still have 2 more years in secondary school and his parents wouldn't accept me in his house again.
 
That night, over celebratory drinks before the new year struck, Luke and I drank to our hearts content and we woke up in each other's arms in the morning.
 
While lying on my arms, he turned to me.
 
“Qiang Jun (yes, that's my name), Eileen and I have been seeing each other. I wanted to tell you that earlier.”
 
'Okay,' I thought to myself, 'I can live with that.'
 

"Happy New Year, best friend in the world."

 

 

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A dramatic turn of events in secondary two, which I actually want to relive again. I never felt being so human as much as when I was fifteen.

 

If you're wondering how I'd recall some of these things, I do keep journals of how I feel after going through things, and they are still with me. Details can be fuzzy, but how I felt then were real.

 

I want to thank those who have PM-ed me, I hope that you really enjoyed my sharing and I hope to speak to more of you guys.

 

QJ

aka The Doctor

[Guest JUSTrand]

I like your story

[Guest ~SweetHeart~]

<3<3 totally fall in love with ur story! Enjoyed reading it and was made hard n had precum reading ur story! Live the actions too!!

[Guest ~SweetHeart~]

<3 <3 totally fall in love with ur story! Enjoyed reading it and was made hard n had precum reading ur story! Love the actions too!!

[thedoctor]

I like your story

  

<3 <3 totally fall in love with ur story! Enjoyed reading it and was made hard n had precum reading ur story! Love the actions too!!

Thanks guys!

[Guest ~SweetHeart~]

Still waiting eagerly for the next part of story... When is it coming out ?

[thedoctor]

Hey guys, I'm so sorry for this delay. I've been busy running conferences and the hustle here in HK is seriously bustling.

 

Will be posting the next part soon!

 

Still waiting eagerly for the next part of story... When is it coming out ?

[Guest ~SweetHeart~]

Awes alrite then sure...

But while ure busy, do take care of ur self too at the same time !!

Hope to hear from u soon!!

[nujun]

It was indeed a great story. I'm waiting for the next part!

[MinWoo]

waiting for more =]

[thedoctor]

Hi guys,

 

I'm so sorry. I've been in places where the connection was so spotty, they kinda tracked browsing history to keep tabs so I couldn't log in for months.

 

Here goes a partial chapter that I've done up. Enjoy!

 

----------------------

 

3. Secondary Three, Part I

 

Luke woke up me up one morning for school, and I was frustrated beyond words.

 

School had been rough, extra workload above what we were used to; those days were horrible because we were between curriculum.

 

He usually walks to the canteen as early as 6AM; and while I usually accompany him every morning as he got around to his morning routine. I chewed him up badly and he just went off without me.

 

Considering that this was barely the end of the first term, what happened?

 

 

a. Much to do about Eileen

 

Eileen comes over too often. There was once I saw her rummaging through my drawer. Any further, she wouldn't find anything, but I hate it when my things are being gone through and even worst by my worst enemy.

 

I have told Luke on many occasions that much as I'd help him hide the fact that MEP projects would require Eileen to come into the campus to discuss the plans, but to have her in so often will be problematic. I started to be territorial with my assets, possibly due to puberty.

 

Plus with the increase in workload after the first week of school, Luke and I have been spending most of our free time (away from CCA or any other extra classes) at King Albert Park mugging (using the tuition excuse), before heading back for dinner, and staying up late. Eileen was with us as well.

 

Every night, Luke sleeps earlier than I do, and I wonder how he can handle three Humanities, I regretted switching over to pure Humanities with him. But I really enjoyed Geography and History, while I struggled with Literature.

 

So that night, after another "Eileen's been going through my things" episode, I only had less than 3 hours of sleep.

 

After sometime, I decided to catch up with Luke and was surprised when I saw Eileen - at 6.30AM. And they were just seated at a corner of the school building behind the hostel block, and they were hugging.

 

I didn't think much, but just turned back and walk back to my hostel room.

 

There it was, the guy whom I've declared as my best friend in the whole world; and he was in the hands of a girl who's rude, irritating, and such a huge pest.

 

I was deep in thought, hating EIleen until I bumped into someone.

 

b. Jerome and The Emotional Distance

 

Jerome literally disappeared when he was transferred to the senior block. And he's still there - a consequence of being in an affiliated JC.

 

He who took my virginity.

 

My mind was suddenly flooded with so much hate; I pushed Jerome aside as I walked away.

 

"What's your business, QJ!"

 

"You left me by myself, didn't you think it'll be better to keep it all quiet like it never happened?"

 

"QJ, I never thought you’d be that attached to me..."

 

I walked away before he could continue.

 

That night, after asking some seniors who were at dinner hall, I managed to track down Jerome who remained in his JC foyer to study and avoid chapel and study hall.

 

"I'm sorry about this morning. I just was..."

 

"I don't need to know anything, QJ."

 

I was shocked, I felt like someone slapped me in the face.

 

His hand came upon my shoulder and he sat closer to me as he continued reading his notes. I just sat there and cried. Jerome took my head and kissed my forehead as he packed his bag and beckoned me to walk with him.

 

That night, I returned to my room really late. I spent the night at Jerome's room, with him just holding me as I cried and told him about the loneliness that struck me, how I felt about Luke. I stopped short of telling him about Eric.

 

'Eric...?'

 

I shrugged and cried harder as I sat in my chair when another pair of hands touched my shoulders; I turned around and saw Eric. Eric looked bloody, like his father whipped him.

 

I woke up, shocked, sweaty and still in my uniform, with Luke looking at me curiously while I was lying on my bed. It was a nightmare.

 

"QJ, you're shouting in your sleep," Luke asked sleepily. "What time did you come back? It's 5.30AM now."

 

"It's Saturday, Luke. I think I'll sleep in today."

 

"Alright, see you later at KAP. Don't be late for lunch, Eileen is coming."

 

No. More. Eileen. my mind went.

 

"Luke. I don't think I'm coming today, I'm not feeling well."

 

"You were crying, were you? QJ, are you alright?"

 

I took off my shirt and changed into a t-shirt, while sleeping in my school pants. I can't be bothered with Luke.

 

"Migraine. Long day and I have drama club meeting later also."

 

"QJ, you always tell me what's wrong and you promised..."

 

"I have a migraine. I was up with a friend you wouldn't know because you're always with Eileen. I don't think I owe you an explanation because you're not my uncle or my parent even."

 

In a matter of weeks as the first term ended, I realised the consequence of my actions. Luke moved to a different seat in class, he was either busy focusing on his work, or sleeping by the time I was back, and when I went to King Albert Park to find him, he'd pack and leave for/with Eileen's.

 

I couldn't reach out to Luke. It felt like Secondary One again.

 

The one-week break, I forced the class wimp to swap his project partner with me so I can be with Luke for the class holiday project. What I didn't count on was for Luke to do the same; and I ended up partnering the class wimp again.

 

On a different front, I have been meeting Jerome quite regularly. He was helping me with my schoolwork, but we can only meet in his JC. We agreed that we would not make use of each other sexually, though on weekends while studying in his room, we'd have the occasional fun.

 

Throughout the March holidays, I got to realise that Jerome was the one for me; and I was glad to hear that he felt that way as well.

 

 

c. Luke, Eventually.

 

When the second term started, I tried to be friendlier with Luke. I shifted to where he sat and tried to make conversation and rebuilt everything. If the adage is really true, Luke's glass of friendship with me has shattered.

 

I tried contacting Eileen, but it was hard, as they have decided to avoid their old haunts.

 

One night, when I'm back with Jerome (who was actually a really nice guy and boyfriend once you get to know him) and we were surprised when we saw the door ajar and a packet of cigarettes on Luke's bed.

 

We panicked and decided to comb the school (clandestinely) for Luke before calling anyone, especially if the packet of cigarettes were an item of concern.

 

We eventually found Luke near the classroom blocks, but he seemed fine. I didn't and stopped Jerome from asking any further. When we went back to the room, the pack was missing from his bed. 

 

When Jerome left, Luke and I had a heated argument when I asked about the cigarettes with him denying everything I put against him. We decided not to approach the topic anymore.

 

Luke smoking really hit a switch in me. The next night I decided to take things into my hands, but I didn’t know how to approach him.

 

I waited for Luke to come back to the hostel, and as he washed up and proceeded to sleep, I slipped under his blanket and locked him in a hug, but he didn’t retaliate, but he held me closer and cried.

 

And cried.

 

And he really cried.

 

I still remember his hot tears flowing down my hands as I touched his face. I didn’t say anything at all, but it was a heartbreaking sight to see someone you love, yet can’t come clean with being so sad.

 

I remember waking up the next morning because his alarm rang, I tried to stop it but Luke has already woke up and he got out of bed.

 

“We can’t do this. I really can’t because I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

 

“Luke, what are you saying?”

 

“Eileen and I broke up.”

 

I swore that if I weren’t happy, I was blatantly lying, and yet my heart was with Jerome – that placed me on a mountain of guilt. “I’m sorry, Luke. But you have a brother here.”

 

I meant it.

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

[Guest Guest]

Thank you so much for this true relation, it's making me so eager in anticipation for the next part, thanks again

[thedoctor]

Thank you so much for this true relation, it's making me so eager in anticipation for the next part, thanks again

 

 

Thank you - When I look back at my journals written during those years - i feel this overwhelm of emotion due to the lost connection, and especially in this time.

[Guest Sam]

can we have more please?

[Guest ongwsjackson]

Such a cliffhanger!

[Guest Aetherano]

Where is the continuation?

[Guest heytere]

nice xD

[thedoctor]

Sorry, I've been traveling for work extensively and I was attached for awhile and got so brokenhearted when we barely crossed the first year. 

 

It's 3PM here where I am, and I'm feeling seriously very down. So what better way to come back to the story then?

 

-------------------

 

3. Secondary Three, Part II

 

Last I left you guys, Luke has just broken up with Eileen and resorted to smoking, while Jerome and I were together.

 

a. The Emptiness in his Heart

 

I told Jerome what happened, I couldn't help it. I poured my heart and told Jerome that I liked Luke and how torn I am to actually want to be with him while he gets over Eileen before the Mid Year exams.

 

Thankfully for me Jerome understood, and I spent a week with Luke studying and just keeping him happy (non-sexually) and just reassuring him that there will come another person. On some nights, he would slip into my bed and we'd cuddle. There was one night that was particularly distracting.

 

He started talking about the emptiness in his heart (couldn't make out what I heard and my handwriting in my journal is seriously not legit as a 15-year-old) and he broke down. All I could do was to just be there and so we cuddled up and I did not notice in the dim lighting that Luke was naked under the sheets with me. I always thought that he'd go topless, but that night was seriously distracting.

 

Out of curiosity I asked him if he'd like to tell me how I can help make him feel better, and the answer was chilling to the bones, "Let me drop out of school. You're the only one who's really keeping me here."

 

I kissed him, and realized that he had been smoking and drinking - the unholy duo paired with us in such a compromising position. I rubbed his nipple and he let out a moan, I was in shock, yet ecstatic. This was what I've been wanting to have with him - intimacy, but I am unable to comprehend the consequences. What if there were none? I turned hard.

 

He turned around and face me, while pinning me to be bed.

 

"QJ, do what you need. You might be the only one that can fill the space in my heart." I've became intoxicated by his words, and perhaps his breath on my neck.

 

We kissed, and I showed Luke what a guy can do for another. It felt like an eternity has past when we woke to the ringing of his alarm clock, but he slept through it after shutting it out.

 

"Let me sleep on. We live in campus anyway."

 

There was a breath taken.

 

"QJ. Could you please hold me tighter?"

 

 

b. Tension of so many kinds

 

Luke was aloof the whole morning, until after recess where it became worst. It felt like he was merely sketched into a world where everybody was rendered, lined and coloured properly.

 

During lunch, Jerome and I found Luke behind the auditorium block smoking and crying. Jerome kicked him hard and gave up, walking away and telling me to just let Luke be.

 

What can I do - let my best friend whom I fucked the night before spiral downwards, or let my boyfriend feel neglected because I'm feeling all the guilt from the night before and I was afraid that Luke will say something that will hurt Jerome.

 

As Luke stubbed out his cigarette and umped it into the drain, he swept the shoe marks off his shirt and looked up at me.

 

"Get out of my life, QJ. I know what happened."

 

If it weren't for the fact I needed to head off for my drama club meeting, I'd have just verbally given Luke a shelling. 

 

"First Eileen, next you - and you're with Jerome which makes it worst. I'm no better than just a toy."

 

I was instantly reminded of Eric, and with that my day took a spiral downturn. Burning, fuming mad and bubbling with so much pent up emotions.

 

After the meeting, I went back to the auditorium block. Luke didn't look like he had left the spot at all - considering the empty cigarette pack in the drain, he might have skipped choir practice even. I couldn't keep it in, and I broke down and out. I pinned his shoulders to the wall, and pushed him to the door that let us into the backstage zone of the auditorium.

 

"You need another good fuck, I am the one to give it to you."

 

Luke didn't even struggle, he smirked all the while as I led him on backwards and then onto the floor of the corner backstage. "Strip."

 

"Make me, QJ. Last night wasn't enough for you?"

 

I unbuttoned his shirt. Meanwhile, his hand brushed against my body and he came up and leaned into me for a kiss. I wanted to choke from his smoker's breath and I find myself pinned onto the ground instead. "My fucking turn," he said while crying.

 

To me, having sex wasn't an issue, but it was more of the feeling of doing it without any worry if we'll be caught that I guided him into me and vice versa, as well as the feeling when I gave him head; and he attempted to suck me off and I came in his face before he could start. Two boys, naked in a wide open, dark space in a school auditorium. Having sex.

 

I took my shirt off the group and helped him wipe off the cum off his face, and also his tears. "I'm sorry Luke."

 

"Jerome and I did it before I broke off with Eileen. He said it was okay and he kept giving me gin."

 

Both of us were very broken, and very naked. We quickly dressed up and as we came in, quietly left the auditorium and went to the SAC.

 

 

c. Luke hit puberty, and the astroturf

 

The weekend came, Luke and I decided to remain in the hostel and study for the exams. I tried my best to successfully fend off Luke's physical neediness from time to time, only allowing him a little touch and peek when he is able to sober up properly to finish his revision. Nightly cuddles were in the mix, and I totally forgot about Jerome until I met him the week after.

 

How do I tell him that I know about what he did behind me? I decided to keep quiet and let it eat me inside, and I let Jerome go eventually before our results were released.

 

Our form teacher was horrified at Luke's grades. Mr T Tan, the disciplinarian amongst the teachers who taught us (and also our form teacher) was gravely disappointed that a bright spark has given up. I would tell also that Luke was spiralling downwards, while puberty was taking place.

 

His clean face started looking shaggier with facial hair growing, while on occasional nights where we'd cop feels on each other I noticed pubic hair growing out. There was nothing to deny the fact also that Luke is putting on certain body definitions which really made me tent up.

 

Pages of my journal was filled with how Luke's arms were looking firm and strong and he was changing as well. The last few nights before I went back to Jakarta for the holidays, we had sex regularly.

 

The last night itself, Luke insisted on leaving the hostel block and dragged me to lie with him on the astroturf and admire the stars. Predictably, we had our most adventurous streak by having sex under the stars. Slipping off our shorts and tops, he topped me with this odd strength I didn't realized that grew into him.

 

Obviously puberty didn't strike me until later that year, that particular session was so memorable because it was my only time having public sex and being naked in the middle of the school campus. We even attempted to streak back to our hostel, but decided to put our clothes back on when we were at the pool area. (Nowadays, the campus ground has expanded and security has heightened, so we were lucky I guess.)

 

While on the flight back, I opened my journal to find a note by Luke. In said note, he proposed the idea of being together - like how Jerome and I were. I struggled to contain myself. When I reached home, I emailed Luke.

 

"Hey Luke,

 

How funny it was to see that a note was left for me in my very own journal by someone else. 

 

If this is any indication of what should happen when I return to Singapore, the answer is a yes.

 

I can't wait to come back now.

 

QJ"

 

------------------------

 

Another chapter soon, I hope.

[Guest GUEST]

Please keep the story going

It's really touching

[thedoctor]

Please keep the story going

It's really touching

Thanks

[Guest]

Gees, I thought there was a update.....    

[thedoctor]

Gees, I thought there was a update.....

I feel bad but I'm preparing for a huge company party happening tonight (I'm not based in Singapore, in case you don't know), so perhaps tomorrow?

[Guest]

I feel bad but I'm preparing for a huge company party happening tonight (I'm not based in Singapore, in case you don't know), so perhaps tomorrow?

So sorry that I make u feel "bad". Just exaggerated the whole thing, bit of drama queen syndrome kick in.  lol

 

Hope the party goes well, and don't forget to have some fun even if it is work. It is a party anyway.  lol