Struggles Of A Gay Teenager Transiting Into Adulthood In Singapore (Above 18Yo)

[kevinleong]

Introduction

 

Chapter I: Emotions

·         Insecurities

·         Jealousy

 

Chapter II: Discrimination

·         Appearances

·         Religion

·         Community

 

Chapter III: Commitments

·         School & Work

 

Chapter IV: Influences

·         Media

 

Chapter V: Utopian Dreams

·         Family

·         Legal issues 

·         Pursuit of Happiness

 

Concluding note

Introduction: Preparation for A Levels is so tiring and hectic. I shall use writing as an avenue to distress and also to discover myself. Pardon the poor grammar or spelling as I am kinda lazy to check for errors and correct them. Confronting emotions requires courage. Facing reality needs strength. Embracing and acknowledging the darkness of our social construct is not an easy feat. Hard truths seem to be too hard to be consumed. We live in an era where experiences can be bought, be it through tourism or prostitution. Yet, beneath this opulence of our society, there lies emptiness in our hearts, a void that we yearn to fill, and a thirst that we crave to quench.  We constantly attempt to find ways to fill this emptiness or pretend it doesn’t exist, yet the more we deny, the more it strikes.

Edited June 18, 2014 by kevinleong

[kevinleong]

Chapter 1 would be the most tiring to write but I shall try to complete it within an hour.  Afterall, it is the most important chapter. I hope that it identifies with people around me and should there be any controversies, please do not hesitate to correct me. I am open to criticisms and also corrections. After all, I am still learning. 

 

As you could see, these write ups are relatively short and may sometimes not be coherent as it is rather rushed. But will try to keep my chain of thought in order. Lolz.

Edited June 18, 2014 by kevinleong

[IkuTube]

Introduction: Preparation for A Levels is so tiring and hectic. I shall use writing as an avenue to distress and also to discover myself.

 

I guess you must be a young lad yet your writing thus far is commendable.  It shows that you have a good thinking mind that's capable to explore logics and, at the same time, appreciate at the mechanics of life.

 

Looking at the structured chapters, obviously you have given a good thought.

 

I am looking forward.  It will be interesting to see your perspective as a young teen broaching on such a heavy stuff - (Oops, I do hope you are above 18).  Thank You for sharing, kevinleong.

[kevinleong]

Chapter 1: Emotions

 

Insecurities

 

We live in an era where temptation is rife. The forces of globalisation and modernisation have enabled us to identify and communicate with one another more easily. Applications such as Grindr are even equipped with GPS system to track how near are  you to the next PLU(not to be self righteous, but I don’t use it).  Saunas and pubs are also easily accessible and convenient for us to visit. To avoid discussing these establishments when talking about temptation is delusional. Hook ups nowadays are so convenient and saunas even offer us the facilities for us to conduct many activities. I do not deny that I have once used these applications and facilities before (though only once for an eye opener), it seriously add on to my insecurities. I remembered when I was dating N, he was a very nice and caring guy, though sometimes overly protective. But in the midst of dating, I was relatively cynical. The question of “How many guys you did with before?” was extremely tempting to ask and eventually I gave in and got an answer I did not want to know. The feasibility of a monogamous gay communion is questionable nowadays and our community is often generalised to be a promiscuous community. Such fundamental questions occasionally pop up in the main forum, only to be answered by some successful couples and some cynical singles.

But what exactly is the underlying cause for us to doubt our partners? In my opinion, the real root cause is the fear of being left alone. Till today, I am very paranoid regarding the future. What if I grow old alone? What if I cant find my soulmate? What if my soul mate cheated on me? What if I am not good enough for him? What if he get tired of my physique? What if I cannot satisfy him anymore?  But ultimately, who could answer these questions? It will remain unanswered just like the fear of the unknown will remain inside me. Perhaps, this is the greatest struggle as a gay person.

 

Jealousy

Whenever I see my JC Chinese friend with his girlfriend, sometimes the feeling of envy consumes me.  His girlfriend seems to be like his entire world. They even rent a place together and sometimes his results suffer due to spending too much time with his girlfriend. Perhaps, I am jealous of them. I am always curious about how gay couples manage to spend their life together. It evokes the sense of jealousy, the sense of loneliness within me. When I talked to N recently, I got to know that he got attached soon after we broke up. It was quite painful when I got to know. Questions such as “Am I the one at fault? Am I the one that is problematic? When would it be my turn?” never cease to flood my mind. The jealousy that I felt exacerbates the insecurity inside me, compounding the void inside me and generating in me a sense of desperation and impatience. Perhaps, this is one of the other major struggle of being a gay teenager.

Edited June 18, 2014 by kevinleong

[kevinleong]

 

I guess you must be a young lad yet your writing thus far is commendable.  It shows that you have a good thinking mind that's capable to explore logics and, at the same time, appreciate at the mechanics of life.

 

Looking at the structured chapters, obviously you have given a good thought.

 

I am looking forward.  It will be interesting to see your perspective as a young teen broaching on such a heavy stuff - (Oops, I do hope you are above 18).  Thank You for sharing, kevinleong.

 

Oh yes. I am above 18. Going to 19. But its quite a difficult phase I think. 

[kevinleong]

Rearranging

Edited June 18, 2014 by kevinleong

[lordflik9095]

Yeah. Same situation like you. A level, the jealousy, questioning of self, the constant mental struggle as gay person trying to accept himself...sigh...

So many things happening when u r 18-19 yo

[kevinleong]

I shall break the unbreakable rule of posting the concluding note first. Gosh this is more difficult than writing a GP essay. I shall post the rest of the chapters in bits and pieces. Discrimination is one that is hard to write tactfully without offending any party.

 

Anyways, lo and behold,

 

The Concluding note: 

I realised that I am turning 19 this year. I am no longer young as I used to be. My looks are also appreciating at a slower pace as compared to before. Often, people often accuse us (especially the receivers or those that get done J if you get what I mean) of being temperamental and fickle minded. It may be true that we like to be pampered, we sometimes throw tantrums, and we sometimes act childishly like a brat. However, the matter of fact is that we are insecure. We are consumed in the fear of the unknown. And we do not know what we truly want in life. Often, we want a guiding light in our life to tell us that they know it better than us, for them to console us, for them to love us and give us their attention. But for us to admit it is embarrassing. It is like stripping us naked as we admit our deepest and darkest desires. Try to understand us (especially you givers or those that do it J) and it would minimise our conflicts. 

Edited June 19, 2014 by kevinleong

[kevinleong]

Yeah. Same situation like you. A level, the jealousy, questioning of self, the constant mental struggle as gay person trying to accept himself...sigh...

So many things happening when u r 18-19 yo

 Perhaps so. I feel that many of the adults that I talked to already know what they want in their life. They never cease to teach us what they experienced and how to make life more meaningful and less painful. But the matter of fact is that without experiencing this phase first hand, we would never learn. It's like dating a straight guy. It seems to be like a taboo in the gay community but I still tried despite the admonishments. My escapade ended after 3 years with him until i entered JC but actually I enjoyed the experience immensely. I knew it wasnt going to last but went ahead anyways. To a certain extent, perhaps I reaped what i sowed. But actually I am also rather uncertain of what i want in life. And the search seems to be a never ending abyss. The question remains: "Who is going to rescue me from this dark and deep abyss?"

[kevinleong]

Chapter II: Discrimination

Discrimination is not an isolated issue. It is ubiquitous, across time, transcendent, existed ever since the world began.

 

Part One: Appearances

I was taught during my initial encounters that the gay world is a meat market. The fittest survives. It is quite ironic that our community often engages in discussions on how we could coexists with the society through the elimination of sexual orientation discrimination but often gloss through the discriminatory practices of appearances that exist within our own community. While it is difficult enough to change individual mindsets and choices, much more completely stamping out such mindsets, it is sad to note that insufficient efforts have been done to address this problem. However, to say that I do not engage in such discriminatory practices is self righteous. Therein lays a tension within me. It is extremely tempting for us to seek those who are physically attractive while discriminating those who are not even though I know it is wrong. I could remember a quote that I saw somewhere addressing this problem in a very degrading way “A 4 wanting to find a 7”. But deep down my heart, despite knowing so, it is extremely difficult for mindsets to be changed. After all, isn’t getting a handsome husband something that one desires?

 

Part Two: Religion

A rather cliché topic and has been brought up countless times. I come from a relatively staunch Christian family. Contrary to popular belief, many Christians are not homophobic and are relatively tolerant towards the gay community. However, there is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. The Bible is relatively strict in saying that homosexual behaviour is not condoned though many would use weasel words to argue that it doesn’t. To continue to walk this path is synonymous to sinning against my religion. The struggle to accept my sexual orientation is ever present and constantly bothering me every single Sunday. Nonetheless, it is quite heartening that my churches and its members do not actively nor passively discriminate against me and are open to talk about such issues.

 

Part Three: Community

I came from an all boys secondary school. It was a really enjoyable experience there with me courting various guys. They treated me extremely well despite knowing the fact that I am gay. I mean I have to thank A, M, C, CL, KL, HL for my preferential treatment and D,B,J,K for being my eye candies. Haha. However, as I transit into JC, I realise that my environment is relatively hostile towards gays. GP lessons touched a lot on the homosexual issue, especially last year with the focus on the appeal to repeal Section 377A. The homosexual issue is often touched on because it concerns the social structure of a society- the definition of a family, freedom and responsibility, and also political and religious issues. It was quite frightening last year during the first few months of JC listening to people condemning gays outright in class. One of the reasons I chose this JC was because of my senior who took care of me since Sec 1 but during my first year in JC, I seldom see him. L However, my teachers were relatively kind towards me and do not discriminate against me despite knowing my inclinations. So yeah, perhaps this explains my boring school life currently, which is so different from my former school where we did all kinds of things. 

[kevinleong]

Chapter III: Commitments

 

I could recall my previous date where I told my bf not to interfere with my studies or I will break up with him. How harsh?! He didn’t and in fact encouraged me to study more but somehow I couldn’t focus when I was dating him. My friends often accuse me of being fickle minded. On one hand, I crave for a protective husband that could provide everything for me while on the other hand; I am also desperately striving for social mobility. But come to think about it, perhaps it is because I don’t know what is best for myself. I make a good housekeeper though J - not to self-praise but all my friends and teachers say so after coming to my room. I could recall having this English teacher who had a gf in japan and they met in a bar. They maintained their relationship through Skype and now they are married. It is totally mind blowing considering that they manage to remain faithful despite the barriers. Sometimes, I feel that to commit in a relationship is to be tied up and restricted in terms of seeking jobs which may hinder our job prospects when we are taught to be global citizens. But on the other hand, to be totally dependent on my partner is not a viable option too, considering that he may die before me or abandon me and also the lack of legal structures to ensure that I am protected. That is why I question the feasibility of a monogamous relationship. On one hand, I hope to practice it while on the other hand, it seems so outlandish. If only someone could tell me where is the balance between independence and dependence?

Pardon me if this is getting childish as I have the urge to try to complete it by today. Else, I cant focus on my revision as there would be a void inside me.

[Guest GUEST.D]

Oh yes. I am above 18. Going to 19. But its quite a difficult phase I think. 

 

i understand what you are going through, having gone through something similar when i was at that age. i went on to further extremes by inflicting damage to myself when the guy i was dating sort of wanted to end it all with me. (2 months before A levels). all i want to say is that.. you may think that being together with someone or finding out 'the problem' with yourself right now is more important than anything else.. 

 

i would just like to give my 2 cents by saying that .. nothing is more important than doing well for your exams right now. and not to harm anyone that truly loves u (your family etc). No one is perfect. we can all strive to be better in some way or another .. so dont think for a second that you have a problem. We're all 'work in progress'..

 

i thought that my life revolved around the guy i was dating then.. but you know what, a few years after that (After NS when i went to work ,because i couldnt get into a local uni and dont want my parents to pay for private education) i met someone..  and i'm happily attached for quite a few years now.. moral of the story is.. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.. and that for now, just study hard for your exams. Good luck and take care hope my 2 cents help

 

D

[kevinleong]

Yep yep. I will focus on my examinations. Its June holidays. Just an outlet for me to destress. I know what my priorities are. My teachers and me expect a lot of me. Yeah... very stressful. But perhaps i got a hangover feeling during this long break. Haha. Could not let go some of the beautiful moments I experienced when I was younger and more naive. 

[kevinleong]

Chapter IV: Influences

 

The Media

 

Those that know me very well would know that I have a very strong opinion regarding the media. While the media has always been fulfilling its job to provide objective news and issues of societal concerns, I feel that the media sometimes create unrealistic expectations and reinforce certain stereotypes. The movies that we are played on the TVs sometimes make love seem too easy. It cheapens the feeling of love. Being a fervent fan of animes and mangas, the romance pieces makes people wish for the impossible, such as “If only I could be the protagonist… If only I could be that guy… If only my partner love me that much…” It clouds us in a delusion, showcasing something that is unachievable yet made to seem achievable. It makes me feel vulnerable, useless, inferior as compared to the characters inside the films. Sometimes, some of the pieces that they play also reinforce the stereotype that Asian gay people are submissive bottoms. But yet, the pieces seems so sensational and alluring, with us craving to live the lives as the characters inside the pieces. Though critics may argue that these are fictional pieces that are meant to satisfy the author's deepest and darkest desires, I feel that these films and dramas should depict the real world more or risk creating unrealistic expectations in us and ingrain in us a superficial view of the world.

[kevinleong]

Chapter V: Utopian Dreams

 

Part One: Family

 

One of my dreams is to be able to find someone who is willing to take care of me while I take care of him physicallyJ. (My Secondary School teacher would scream here. She would say dreams are unachievable and I should use the word hope. But anyways, since there the word utopian is there already, I suppose dream would be a better choice or it would contradict) Anyways… as mentioned above, monogamy is a questionable issue and where should I draw the line between complete dependence and complete independence.

I could recall someone close to me who suggested that maybe I should adopt. However, in my opinion, I am rather apprehensive about adoption. I am afraid that I am incapable of providing a conventional family for the child. And does this cheapen the meaning of having a child through adoption? It is rather controversial and would the child harbour grievances against me when he/she grows up? Is it true that just because one could provide for the child, they are qualified to adopt? Does adoption have a commercial value?

 

Part Two: Legal Issues

Gay marriages are not recognised in Singapore. In my opinion, there is a lack of legal structures for us to fall back on. This would then reduce the incidences of promiscuity and also serve to punish those who are unfaithful through maintenance fees. While those who are unmarried could remain promiscuous and free to do whatever they want, marriage deters married couples from having unbridled sexual freedom. It would also ensure that we are sufficiently protected by the law. Pardon me if it seems too naïve as I know very little about this issue.

 

Part Three: Pursuit of Happiness

One of the most common existential questions is “What is happiness?” And could it be pursued freely without any constraints? Obviously not. And again many questions would flood my mind. Who is the one? Does the one exists? Etc etc

[kevinleong]

Just to end properly 

 

The Concluding note: 

I realised that I am turning 19 this year. I am no longer young as I used to be. My looks are also appreciating at a slower pace as compared to before. Often, people often accuse us (especially the receivers or those that get done J if you get what I mean) of being temperamental and fickle minded. It may be true that we like to be pampered, we sometimes throw tantrums, and we sometimes act childishly like a brat. However, the matter of fact is that we are insecure. We are consumed in the fear of the unknown. And we do not know what we truly want in life. Often, we want a guiding light in our life to tell us that they know it better than us, for them to console us, for them to love us and give us their attention. But for us to admit it is embarrassing. It is like stripping us naked as we admit our deepest and darkest desires. Try to understand us (especially you givers or those that do it J) and it would minimise our conflicts. 

[kevinleong]

YAY I manage to complete it even though some points are not well elaborated and seem very sloppy such as Chapter V Part III. But it gets very boring when I start to repeat things again and again as many of the points overlap between one another. Haha. Gp essays are much more easier to write as I avoid the more philosophical questions. 

 

Do give your comments and debates about these points. Am very receptive to hear from the older people. And feel free to PM me if you wish to know me better though it may not garner a response as I am very busy this year. . Please do not try to guess which school I am from though. Classified information. 

[Gray32]

Oh Sundays. 

 

But what's funny is that though they tolerate gays, but whenever they say 'we should love them as they are still human beings' ---- and gets criticized and judged whenever it comes to LGBT debates / issues (usually during sermons) 

 

I'm not sure if I should continue to be a Christian, though. ;_;

 

Besides, I'm the only Christian in my family...

 

But well it's good to have fellow church members who don't discriminate against LGBT.. 

 

Just a question, which would you believe in, God's love for sinners(believer, but sins) or God's love for believers who lives according to the Bible?

[kevinleong]

This topic has been debated for years, my friend. Its the same with all other issues such as the pursuit of the material world. Ultimately, this topic will remain inconclusive unless there is a breakthrough (revelations or the coming of Christ). BTW, I have many members who do not actively discriminate against the LGBT community. While they do not condone their activities, it doesnt not equate to hating the community. Just like many of the secular and more conservative people that I encountered. As mentioned above there is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. Regarding my stand of the Word, I shall keep mum as it is very difficult for me to give a conclusive answer.

[Guest Guest]

Really well-written.


Just wanna share regarding the lack of legal structures. For gay couples (mostly monogamous and life-term), they can choose to make wills and authorise a power of attroney over each other. It'll never be as good as the protective legal structures marriage gives, but it's there. People, especially our community, might want to take note and be more aware.

 

 

My 1 cent.

[loacker]

great write up

[kevinleong]

Thanks for that compliment. I am flattered despite many grammar errors that are present in the piece and obvious run-on sentences. 

 

The problem with a will, I feel, is that it makes one look like a money grubbing person that does not trust his partner. I remembered discussing with my teacher on how do heterosexuals manage their financial assets. If they do not have a shared account, does it mean that they do not trust one another? Perhaps, they are afraid that the other would take out all the money/ whatever? However, my teacher told me that for many it isnt the case. Its because they trust one another to be financially independent and thats why they have separate accounts. Nonetheless, I feel that having a marraige is a more subtle way of protecting the individual.

[Guest Guest]

Kevin, you started having sex and had a relationship when you were 15!

I guess you knew you were gay from young.....

[Guest Guest]

Hi Kevin,

 

Thank you for your write-up and sharing part of your life, thoughts and fears with us. 

 

Your chapter 'emotions' was something I related too very well and I'd like to share a few thoughts:

 

I can say with some measure of confidence that you definitely aren't alone in dealing with insecurity and jealousy. Everybody - straight, gay, bi, trans, etc - all experience emotions like those. Coincidentally (or perhaps not!), I too, struggled with such feelings when I was in JC. I felt insecure, lonely, jealous and angry all the time. I guess the 'trick' to dealing with those issues is in not letting those thoughts and emotions affect you to a degree that inflicts harm upon yourself and others AND to learn to start trusting yourself.

 

Trust yourself, and you'll find that much of the 'paranoia' and internal void will severely diminish in scariness. 

 

I don't know what else to say so I'll end off by wishing you all the best for your 'A' levels and that you find yourself.

 

Cheers.

 

PS. Don't worry about the grammar and run on sentences. We are here to help and hold healthy discussions (at least the majority are)... not to scrutinise your English.

 

[Gray32]

Oh oh..

 

But sometimes it just makes me wonder is it because of the Bible , this discrimination happened or.. is it because how the society is now?

[ThePineapple]

I don't know why, but i laughed at this "(My Secondary School teacher would scream here. She would say dreams are unachievable and I should use the word hope."

If anyone, including my parent or some my current professor told me that, my respond will be : "I will proof you WRONG ! Google also started as A DREAM, A MULTI-MILLION dollar dream !"

 

and to the question "What is happiness?"
It varies with everyone... it's what you desired for counts... persuade of happiness is on-going and never stops.

 

about "The Media"

you can call me arrogant, or naive. But since a few years ago, i had stopped watching local news or reading papers, it's all filtered news.
I rather watch/read RT ( Russian Today ) for unfiltered news.

Edited June 20, 2014 by ThePineapple

[Guest Guest]

about "The Media"

you can call me arrogant, or naive. But since a few years ago, i had stopped watching local news or reading papers, it's all filtered news.

I rather watch/read RT ( Russian Today ) for unfiltered news.

News everywhere is filtered. Just that in sg the biggest filter that traps the biggest amount of 'wrong news' is The Party and their worldview.

[kevinleong]

Oh oh..

 

But sometimes it just makes me wonder is it because of the Bible , this discrimination happened or.. is it because how the society is now?

 In my opinion, discrimination is transcendent and existed ever since the world started. I personally feel that there is no point in identifying who is against us or who is for us. It is meaningless and the discussion will drag on without any conclusive ending. But instead, I think that how we conduct ourselves is more important. Do we want to be seen as promiscuous and fitting to the typical gay stereotypes or we conduct in a way that follows the way of the Bible. Temptation is always rife but I believe that temptation itself is not wrong. Having the thought is different from acting out the thought. I am learning how to put to death the thoughts of lust, the thoughts of temporal sexual gratification and sexual immorality. I think that is the crux of the problem. (Unless one finds nothing wrong with promiscuity, then this argument does not hold)

[kevinleong]

Hi Kevin,

 

Thank you for your write-up and sharing part of your life, thoughts and fears with us. 

 

Your chapter 'emotions' was something I related too very well and I'd like to share a few thoughts:

 

I can say with some measure of confidence that you definitely aren't alone in dealing with insecurity and jealousy. Everybody - straight, gay, bi, trans, etc - all experience emotions like those. Coincidentally (or perhaps not!), I too, struggled with such feelings when I was in JC. I felt insecure, lonely, jealous and angry all the time. I guess the 'trick' to dealing with those issues is in not letting those thoughts and emotions affect you to a degree that inflicts harm upon yourself and others AND to learn to start trusting yourself.

 

Trust yourself, and you'll find that much of the 'paranoia' and internal void will severely diminish in scariness. 

 

I don't know what else to say so I'll end off by wishing you all the best for your 'A' levels and that you find yourself.

 

Cheers.

 

PS. Don't worry about the grammar and run on sentences. We are here to help and hold healthy discussions (at least the majority are)... not to scrutinise your English.

 

Personally, I feel that a lot of people like to live in delusions. We are afraid of confronting the truths as the truth may hurt us. An example would be if the beginning of love is the beginning of separation( be it through divorces for a heterosexual marraige or death or how time weakens friendship bonds), should we begin to love? While the cliche argument for love lies in arguing that the process of loving reaps a lot of happiness, could we cope with the inevitable fact that we are going to lose them one day. Similarly, I am afraid that if I chose to ignore these insecurities, one day, would it come back to haunt me again? And when that happens, would I be too old and too late? Would i be on my death bed, realising that I have led a wasted life? I have lived a lie?

[kevinleong]

I don't know why, but i laughed at this "(My Secondary School teacher would scream here. She would say dreams are unachievable and I should use the word hope."

If anyone, including my parent or some my current professor told me that, my respond will be : "I will proof you WRONG ! Google also started as A DREAM, A MULTI-MILLION dollar dream !"

 

about "The Media"

you can call me arrogant, or naive. But since a few years ago, i had stopped watching local news or reading papers, it's all filtered news.

I rather watch/read RT ( Russian Today ) for unfiltered news

Haha the first point is a matter of word choice. But your perspective makes me laugh too. Yeah, if only dreams could be turned into reality so easily. Haha, I may be too cynical here.

 

Pardon me if I sound a little offensive, I was laughing when I was read the part about Russian Today being unfiltered. Haha. Of all the people you trust the RUSSIANS? Anyways, could I be enlightened of how the russian view is being unbiased and objective. 

 

 

News everywhere is filtered. Just that in sg the biggest filter that traps the biggest amount of 'wrong news' is The Party and their worldview.

 

I agree with this point. However, one must note that while the sg government may seem to filter a lot of news and the quality of news reports may be in the decline, we must not forget that unbridled media freedom is undesirable. (I would like to bring up this point but it may sound a little bit radical and offensive again. Imagine if the newspaper allows anyone to voice out the opinion and criticise the government without any substantial facts- like the case of the CPF allegations of the government mismanaging the funds that was not substantiated with concrete evidence- the government would lose credibility. I firmly believe that one of the major factors that determines the legitimacy of the government is having the trust of the people. If unfounded allegations are made, it is not only a case of slander but may also lead to a crisis whenever there is a mismatch between public expectations and government policies.) While I do not agree with the 20th century methods of intimidation through law suits, neither do i agree with unbridled press freedom as it may lead to anarchy. (kidna lazy to draw the correlation here though, would be very long)

[Guest Guest]

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a double life? Not talking about gay husbands doing things behind their wives' backs, but rather, for example... a gay couple finding a lesbian couple and forming marriages of convenience. 

Do you think it's possible? To have your cake and eat it too? Seems like the best of both worlds?

[kevinleong]

Wopes I realize that I may be too harsh on some comments. Please forgive me for my insensitivity and lack of tact. I hope that I would not be forcing my beliefs onto you. To add on, I am only 19. So on a lot of issues, its like i do not know where should the line be drawn. Its like press freedom. Where should the line be drawn to achieve the optimal outcome? To be honest, I do not know. Another example would be how much should the government take care of its people. Should we embrace Thatcherism or Fabianism, or a combination of both? I must acknowledge the pains of government policy makers in having so much troubles. Its not easy. And it will not please everyone. 

 

Is there no point in having a future if we do not enjoy the present and therefore we should squander our wealth and youth? Or should we solely focus on the future and ignore the present? 

[kevinleong]

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a double life? Not talking about gay husbands doing things behind their wives' backs, but rather, for example... a gay couple finding a lesbian couple and forming marriages of convenience. 

Do you think it's possible? To have your cake and eat it too? Seems like the best of both worlds?

Wow such an interestinf perspective. I didnt think of it honestly. Haha. And now we can even conceive and buy BTO HDBs. Haha. In my opinion, while it seems to be ideal, there are a lot of concerns. One would be ethical concern. Would we then violate the sanctity of life if we conceive that way? Would we seen as conforming the social norms and not staying true to our identity (may lead to an identity crisis?) And how would it work out? Whose child would belong to who? Our moral yardsticks differ from one individual to another. Mine isnt even well defined yet, but I personally think that I wouldnt do it. I would feel guilty both to the mother and child if they conceive. And I would pity my "wife" whenever she has to accompany me to functions or events to put up a facade. Its like treating them as commodities to be expended.

[kevinleong]

Furthering the discussion about insecurities and lookism

 

Well, I myself was quite surprised by what I managed to write during June. Today was kinda boring. Studying is a drag sometimes. Haizzz normally I love to study though. So today out of boredom and curiosity, I experienced a touch of sin. Haha, I really love that movie title but anyways, I went to Adonis's den today although i did not engage in any sexual acts or body contacts. Well, flamers might immediately scold me for being a statue or whatsoever but anyways, I was just bored and curious.

 

Just a trivia: I noticed CC got around 400 lockers.

 

Talking about my experience there for approximately 30 minutes, it was kinda interesting. Well, just to offer a brief context, being a JC boy and joining the aesthetic CCAs (or what was known as ECA in the archaic times- no offense to anyone here), I was naturally not well built as compared to those who joined the sports clubs. I was dressed relatively neat when I entered the club and quite a number of eyes were staring at me when i entered the club and left the club. But once i removed my clothing and went into the maze, it seems as though I was ignored by most people though approximately 5 people were kinda interested(2 of whom were kinda old). Well, i was bored and knew that my purpose wasnt to have fun(out of paranoia, could still remember that time when my teacher and I waited for the HIV test results, it was really an unpleasant experience) so I rejected most of them though I took the effort to apologize to them and moved on quickly so as not to spoil their experience. I just wanted to have an observation of the field. Just an interesting note that i realised was that almost all of the guys around my age (18-25 i would assume) were muscular toned and gorgeous. It was kinda a meat market and the surprising thing is that under the dimly lit lights, people were touching each other without having a clear look at their faces. Well, it was kinda disadvantageous for me in some sense considering that I have a lean figure(though not anorexic).

 

The above was purely my observation. Recently, I read an article posted in the Main Forum regarding the stories behind every ONS (pardon me if I get the title wrong). Sometimes, I could identify with it. In the midst of finding love, sometimes I would be disappointed and out of perhaps desperation and cravings, settle for an ONS. It's kinda heart wrenching always being alone. Staying by the beach, it is also very painful for me whenever I see couples dating at the beach and their families playing together. It always makes me wonder whether could I find the correct one to settle down and spend the rest of my life with. It sometimes feel as though the smiles and joy these families experience are mocking my loneliness and the void in my heart.

 

Well, today was kinda a bad day for me. It rekindled the pain that I dont want to remember. Idle Hands are always the Devil's workshop. Maybe i should start studying. haha

 

Just a side note: I realized i released quite a lot of information. Haha people who know me well might know who I am. Especially the phrases which I use which are kinda uncommon sometimes and unconventional.

Edited September 2, 2014 by kevinleong

[Guest peabrain cock]

Pretty self absorbed, shall we say?

[kevinleong]

Pretty self absorbed, shall we say?

>.< I feel insulted. Well, certain things are hard to illustrate without using personal anecdotes. I apologise if any of the posts reek narcissism. The intention of me posting was meant to listen and discuss opinions. Pardon me if it has gone astray.

[Guest Guest]

People who criticise others for being self absorped have never truly lived their own lives. Don't bother about what they say. Just continue writing ok?

[fly360]

I dare say we were all teenagers once, and had pretty much faced the same issues.

[kevinleong]

Got to stop writing atm. Haha prelims coming No joke. Especially when forecasts are dependant on it.

[kevinleong]

Well to add on about the media. Haha. Recently (not so recent) sekaiichi hatsukoi had a new movie. Well, if one takes the time to analyse the movie, it touches on a lot of essential things that gay guys want (though some are stereotypes). But again, on a deeper level, it speaks of the void in out heart, the craving that we desperately yearn for. Honestly speaking, i dont find gay sex that appealing per se. Its a bonus if i have it. But anyways, not deviating from the topic, it also showcases unrealistic expectations when people hunt for guys they like. Sadly, it also attempts to "depict" an ideal husband or lover for all whcih unfortunately is kinda difficlut to find. 

 

Just a short write up. Watch the film and enjoy haha. At least it can sooth the savage breast for a moment.

[Guest kl]

nothing about your encounters or sexual experiences? that would help flesh out the story much better

[kevinleong]

I was browsing through one of my past works and noticed what I wrote when I was younger. How I wish I could go back to those days where responsibilities were fewer and love would be more unconditional. (Admin closed my thread from 2014, hahaha, I thought of posting a follow up)

 

Today, I was talking to a friend from Linguistics and she sparked in me a desire to write once again. Once again, I seek your forgiveness for my tardy write-up and poor grammar, especially when I am no longer required to take up any language courses in university(please let me blame some external factors. :)). Its still the exams period. And I have a thing for writing during exam preparations week. One more paper to go. 

 

Today, I decide to share a personal experience, something that happened recently. And that is my coming out story which happened in the most peculiar and controversial manner. I hope to use this post as a sharing and hope that it would not breach any code of conduct by any institution.

 

Perhaps, when reading my past stories and knowing me personally, I am not very comfortable being labelled as "gay" or "homosexual". I knew I like boys when I was 15, I mean, I even had a boyfriend back in Secondary School. But I was always detached to the gay community, trying frantically to distance myself from them. It was like cleaning a stain on my body, purifying myself from the grasp of the gay world. (No offence here but one of my professors taught us Creative Thinking through Metaphors and I think it's rather appropriate to illustrate it visually). Quite an oxy-moron, isnt it?

 

I came out during my Marketing Final Examinations. In short, I wrote about targeting homosexuals couples for pre-wedding photoshoots, where I wrote about gay saunas, gay pubs, gay magazines as my tools of advertisement. (There are many steps required but I shall not disclose the nature of the examination or the question as I am not sure about the institutions policy, hence I am only writing the words that came out originally from me in a very simplified form; and there are many original ideas that could be used in real life) I wrote about coming up with logos with two gay guys holding hands at the front of a castle, signifying the company's affirmation for gay love. And I wrote about positing male Adonis models on gay magazines and giving out photo frames of gay couples that has 2 male cupids shooting arrows at one another. I wrote taglines with puns and sexual innuendos, going against the social norms, bearing the target in mind.

 

And I came out. I told my friends. My mother. I used my writing as a platform of subtly telling them that their friend, their son, is gay. And I suppose the examiner would also know I am gay although I would presume that they will keep my identity confidential and will not use it against me.

 

My friends accepted me for who I am. They admired my courage and creativity. Some even introduced me to their gay friends. It was indeed a very risky move, but it was a move that I never regretted.

 

On a side note, another reason why I post this message is to remind myself that no matter what the results is, I should remind myself to still be happy for something courageous that I did. A story that I could share for ages to come. By the way, my Marketing Proposal was to some extend rather lewd and if anyone wants to know it in detail to implement it, you can contact me here. Personally, I am rather convicted that it could work. And when I shared the details with my friends, many agreed although they are not quite comfortable with a business that only deals with the pink dollar.

Edited May 3, 2016 by kevinleong

[kevinleong]

University life has not been a very rosy one for me, even though I got into a course that I love and something that I am very passionate about. I would like to take this opportunity to share more about J. My pillar of strength and support in my first year of University. We are not partners at all, he isn't gay, although all of our friends suspect him to be together with me. And whats worse is that it seems like many people in my year spread rumours about us. But just a shout out for J. I want to show him this post in the future. He promised that he will name me as his children's godfather.

 

Thank you for being my pillar of support. We were strangers about a year ago and you were somebody that I would never think that we could get so close. Thank you for picking up my whatsapp calls 24/7, discussing an entire long question for 45 minutes (Gosh, you always leave me sweaty), arguing over our opinions and exerting who is right and who is wrong, comforting me when I am sad and lonely, setting goals together to maintain our FCH, teasing me always about being gay and a dog (although you are one yourself), tolerating my asshole comments, studying together with me, coming to my room periodically, doing cases after cases with me, and being accepting of who I am (He is damn homophobic when we first met and he stays in the jungle, he never heard of gay people at all). All this small acts really meant a lot to me. 

 

Ultimately, thank you for making me a better person, for making me more confident, more compassionate, more empathetic and more understanding. Its a pity that I would never be your other half.

[G_M]

Continue your story..

 

[Guest]

Yes, pls continue to write. A breath of fresh air to read something from a young man perspective .

pphaps you may want to elaborate more on how your family esp parents react to your coming out to them.

[lovehandle]

On ‎3‎/‎5‎/‎2016 at 8:36 PM, kevinleong said:

I was browsing through one of my past works and noticed what I wrote when I was younger. How I wish I could go back to those days where responsibilities were fewer and love would be more unconditional. (Admin closed my thread from 2014, hahaha, I thought of posting a follow up)

 

I came out during my Marketing Final Examinations. In short, I wrote about targeting homosexuals couples for pre-wedding photoshoots, where I wrote about gay saunas, gay pubs, gay magazines as my tools of advertisement. (There are many steps required but I shall not disclose the nature of the examination or the question as I am not sure about the institutions policy, hence I am only writing the words that came out originally from me in a very simplified form; and there are many original ideas that could be used in real life) I wrote about coming up with logos with two gay guys holding hands at the front of a castle, signifying the company's affirmation for gay love. And I wrote about positing male Adonis models on gay magazines and giving out photo frames of gay couples that has 2 male cupids shooting arrows at one another. I wrote taglines with puns and sexual innuendos, going against the social norms, bearing the target in mind.

 

And I came out. I told my friends. My mother. I used my writing as a platform of subtly telling them that their friend, their son, is gay. And I suppose the examiner would also know I am gay although I would presume that they will keep my identity confidential and will not use it against me.

 

 

this is indeed a creative way to comeout!

[Guest White32]

Anymore update on this story?