Confused Between Being Str8 Or Gay. Advice Needed!

[Miao90]

                     I am currently a 24 year old student who is about to graduate form university soon. I grew up in a traditional chinese family with 2 elder sisters. Being the only son in the family, i would be lying if i told u I did not have any pressure of procreating and carrying on the family line. When i was young, i had many crushes on different girls, throughout kindergarten and primary school. All was well until i entered an all boys secondary school, when i fell for a junior who was one year younger than me. I would just look forward to seeing him during recess and check out what he was doing. The feeling slowly faded away when i entered junior college. I did not take any action to confess to him whatsoever mainly because the circumstance back then did not allow me to do so. 

                    In junior college, i would be peeping at those hot guys in school but still, i was not able to bold myself to do anything to show my affections towards them, i felt weird, there was an inexplicable sense of awkward feeling when i knew that i developed liking towards the male species. It was not until university when i had my first girlfriend. I was primarily attracted to her nice personality, she was all i was looking for in a girl and maybe, wife. It took me a long six months before the courtship ended and we took our relationship to the next level. It was official finally after all the crazy chase. However, the honeymoon period was short-lived, our relationship surreptitiously suffocated me over the next 2 months. I was frustrated by her insecurity and i was extremely upset and unhappy. It came to a point when i realised i had to do something about it, so i took the prudent step to initiating the break up. She was devastated after the break up, but i on the other hand, have never felt so relieved in my life. It was the right decision, honestly. 

                   Ever since then, i have been trying to explore my sexual orientation and attempting to discover my true identity. I started hanging out at gay saunas and hooking up with guys on jackd and grindr. Last saturday, i met this guy at a local sauna and he asked me out for a drink after the session. I kindly obliged. He is a successful young man with an impressive resume and prospective career. I was however, not attracted to him. During the meet up, he subtly hinted that he wanted take our relationship to the next level. Nonetheless, i was feeling extremely uneasy throughout the whole meet up, wild imaginations ran through my mind. I could not imagine myself to be in a open gay relationship and be judged by others in the society. There was an inner voice telling me that I should not be doing this, this is not the life that i should be living. So over the next few days, i made it clear to him that we were nothing more than friends. 

                   Somehow, i had that strong urge to reconciliate and patch things up with my ex girlfriend. I suddenly felt the strong urge of getting a girlfriend and forming a family and settling down. I can't explain the extreme fluctuation in my thinking and perception. It was as if a sudden alarm sounded and woke me up from my subconscious lalaland and i had to get back to reality, as if i was straight once again.

                   Thanks for enduring through my long post. I sincerely hope those with similar experience is able to shed some light and share your views and advice with me. Many thanks in advance!

                 

[GachiMuchi]

I am currently a 24 year old student who is about to graduate form university soon. I grew up in a traditional chinese family with 2 elder sisters. Being the only son in the family, i would be lying if i told u I did not have any pressure of procreating and carrying on the family line. When i was young, i had many crushes on different girls, throughout kindergarten and primary school. All was well until i entered an all boys secondary school, when i fell for a junior who was one year younger than me. I would just look forward to seeing him during recess and check out what he was doing. The feeling slowly faded away when i entered junior college. I did not take any action to confess to him whatsoever mainly because the circumstance back then did not allow me to do so. 

                    In junior college, i would be peeping at those hot guys in school but still, i was not able to bold myself to do anything to show my affections towards them, i felt weird, there was an inexplicable sense of awkward feeling when i knew that i developed liking towards the male species. It was not until university when i had my first girlfriend. I was primarily attracted to her nice personality, she was all i was looking for in a girl and maybe, wife. It took me a long six months before the courtship ended and we took our relationship to the next level. It was official finally after all the crazy chase. However, the honeymoon period was short-lived, our relationship surreptitiously suffocated me over the next 2 months. I was frustrated by her insecurity and i was extremely upset and unhappy. It came to a point when i realised i had to do something about it, so i took the prudent step to initiating the break up. She was devastated after the break up, but i on the other hand, have never felt so relieved in my life. It was the right decision, honestly. 

                   Ever since then, i have been trying to explore my sexual orientation and attempting to discover my true identity. I started hanging out at gay saunas and hooking up with guys on jackd and grindr. Last saturday, i met this guy at a local sauna and he asked me out for a drink after the session. I kindly obliged. He is a successful young man with an impressive resume and prospective career. I was however, not attracted to him. During the meet up, he subtly hinted that he wanted take our relationship to the next level. Nonetheless, i was feeling extremely uneasy throughout the whole meet up, wild imaginations ran through my mind. I could not imagine myself to be in a open gay relationship and be judged by others in the society. There was an inner voice telling me that I should not be doing this, this is not the life that i should be living. So over the next few days, i made it clear to him that we were nothing more than friends. 

                   Somehow, i had that strong urge to reconciliate and patch things up with my ex girlfriend. I suddenly felt the strong urge of getting a girlfriend and forming a family and settling down. I can't explain the extreme fluctuation in my thinking and perception. It was as if a sudden alarm sounded and woke me up from my subconscious lalaland and i had to get back to reality, as if i was straight once again.

                   Thanks for enduring through my long post. I sincerely hope those with similar experience is able to shed some light and share your views and advice with me. Many thanks in advance!

 

I am not here to offer you a solution, but want I you to put some thoughts on what I have to say :

 

1.  I felt that you are wound up too tight, so do cut yourself some slack. Don't have to jump in and out of relationship with so much haste.

2.  Ground yourself. Go take up some yoga / meditation to clear your mind or a go on a holiday to get away and thinks things over.  You don't have to have an answer, just give some time to yourself.  To find out who you really are and what you are comfortable. No right, no wrong. Get in touch with your inner self.

 

Until you are able to be who you are and that you are really sure that you want to take the Next Big Step, go and do it with no regrets be it with a man, or with a women or even if you chose to be single.

 

Just make sure you don't make decision to please people or do it because you have to...but do it because you want to, most importantly, don't make hasty decision which might hurt others and also yourself.

 

Chai yen yen Krub! (Take it easy!)

[SeannyShortcake]

It's okay to feel confused.

 

Have you tried it out with a man yet?

 

It's pretty awesome. (if you let go of your insecurities (hey doesn't that sound like your ex girlfriend lol))

[shyboi]

I have a similar experience as you too. As for me, I don't have a girlfriend and never had one either. I decided to take the stand of guys only for fun or sexual pleasure and the most would be friends with benefits. I only had a deep feeling for one guy which was only one sided. I guess I'll just follow what comes along the way.

[Guest ryan]

Obviously, you enjoy having sex with men and it's crazy to start any relationship after one sex session. Take your time to slowly decide what you want, you are still young and don't have to make any rash decisions. You should know when you meet someone that you really want to see more of.

[Guest guest]

You are still young. Especially if you haven't gotten much exposure to relationships, its natural for your identity to still be in flux. Some questions that may help:

 

1) You described imagining settling down with a girl in marriage with kids, etc... Apart from this "normal path" ideal, are you actually physically attracted to women?

 

2) You are attracted to some men. But have you even been in love or emotionally attracted to another man in your life?

 

3) Of course there will be some issues to resolve with your family, but assuming they are open minded about your sexuality and are happy for you, can you see yourself being happy with a long term committed male partner?

 

4) What kind of porn do you watch? Is it the actor or actress that turns you on while watching, or both?

 

You might very well be bi. But straight, gay or bi, its all okay no matter what. At the moment, it sounds like you are still quite inexperienced and have some stuff to resolve with yourself. I would advise you not to fully immerse yourself into the more sexual side of gay life (i.e. saunas, dating apps) for now.

 

A lot of men in these places are only looking for sex. And because the idea of casual sex is turning you off, it may be clouding your judgement of your sexuality. For example, you may be gay... but you prefer a stable boyfriend with a more comfortable relationship. And when men looking for sex scare you off, you might misread your aversion to casual hookups as an aversion to men, which isn't true.

[Wilbur]

Dude, you're gay. Accept it and move on. Please do not get married to a lady or life that you would hate for the rest of your life. Also, give yourself and whichever girl out there a chance to experience what you both really deserve. Do not marry for the sake of pro-creation. You're destroying another person's life.

[tic-toc]

Miao, your issue is a difficult one. Some people just know it. Some people like yourself may be less easy. Only you can solve it.

In any case, I offer you a word of caution: do not confuse sex experience with sexual orientation.

Just because you have sex with a guy, it doesn't necessarily make you gay. Likewise even if you have sex with a girl, it doesn't mean you are straight.

[Guest alispenn]

The tough way.  Assuming you have  no problem ejaculating, ask yourself what you wish to attain through sexual intercourse.

The easy way. Categorize yourself as a bi and check out the risk of various STDs.  Be physically and emotionally intimate not with a member of a gender, but with an individual while taking into consideration that risk and bear the responsibility of the choice you make.  And call it a life.

As for the psychological impact from your own sexual inclination.  It is still a matter of choice.  It comes to a point in our lives when we choose to retain, modify if not abandon certain "set of values" we have come to subscribe.

Specifically, look at them Chinese women.  In the good old days under Confucionism, it is a small matter to die of starvation, it is a big deal to lost their chastity.  Millions of lives down for the Revolution later they are synonymous with .......  

.

[Guest Guest]

Please do not breed another batch of your type !

[EasleyLim]

I like how everyone just disregards the option of bisexuality lol.

[lifeart]

Dear Miao90
 
Based solely on what you wrote, I don't think yours is that confusing a case.
 
You seem to be primarily sexually attracted to girls.  It was her emotional instability that led to the break-up between you and your ex.  Prior to that, you had always had crushes on girls.
 
Of cos there's no denying that you are also attracted to some guys.  You see, sexual orientation is not a dichotomy between black and white.  Instead it is a spectrum of varying proportions of attraction to the two sexes.

You seem to be on the side which is more heterosexual, but not 100%.  Then again, most people aren't purely
100% straight or gay.  
 
Sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction. As one post above suggests, you have to also take into
consideration romantic feelings, feelings of wanting to share your life and being committed to each other.
 
I don't think you have to be overly disturbed by the feelings you once had in secondary school for your junior. It could well be a phase, and after all it did fade away naturally.
 
You mentioned having visited gay saunas and hooking up with guys.  But you didn't state how your experience was or if there was sex involved.  You only mentioned a young, eligible guy whom you did not have interest in.

 

How about the others?  Was there anyone who aroused any special feelings in you?  Do you intend to continue meeting up with gay guys instead of with girls?  If so, you must ask your heart what exactly is it you really want.  
 
Like GM said, you should probably take some time to develop yourself, ground yourself, clear your thoughts etc.  Don't be too harsh or impatient with yourself.  If it's the lack of emotional stability of women that frightens you, you might want to try to understand more about the feminine psyche  through books, through talking with people etc.  If you truly intend to marry a girl, please stay away from the gay saunas etc Don't continue to feed
that part of you which is bi-curious (the homosexual side) and be prepared in the future to stay away from temptations.  
 
WIsh you all the best!

[Guest Neh Neh]

Mioh90 is a bi man lah. He will marry his gf and continue to visit gay sauna.

[Guest Guest]

I like how everyone just disregards the option of bisexuality lol.

Cos that's not an option. Lol. Batting for both sides and accepted by partner? Hmmm rare and futuristic.

[Oogachagacare]

Hi Miao90, sometimes it is not very easy to understand your own sexuality when there is so much fear of being judged by others. Some people are straight, some are gay and some are bisexual and it can be a spectrum.

 

For some, it is a long and ongoing journey before you can fully understand what you might be going through. 

 

If you think it is better to talk to someone anonymously, you can use our hotline, whatsapp, email or professional counselling services.

 

Hotline 6226 2002

Our lines are open every:
Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays: 7pm - 10pm and,
Saturdays: 2pm - 5pm

 

WhatsApp 8592 0609

If you prefer to chat, you can get in touch through WhatsApp during our hotline operating hours. Please note that this is NOT an SMS service.

 

Email Counselling

http://www.oogachaga.com/congregaytion/website/care

 

Professional Counselling

You can make an appointment for a session with one of our professional counsellors.

Tel: 6224-9373 (Mon-Fri, 11am - 6pm)

Email: counselling@oogachaga.com

Web: http://www.oogachaga.com/counselling

Edited February 10, 2015 by Oogachagacare

[Lad2]

Lifeart's comment made absolute sense. Well said!

[Guest wozzit]

I was primarily attracted to her nice personality, she was all i was looking for in a girl and maybe, wife. It took me a long six months before the courtship ended and we took our relationship to the next level. It was official finally after all the crazy chase. However, the honeymoon period was short-lived, our relationship surreptitiously suffocated me over the next 2 months. I was frustrated by her insecurity and i was extremely upset and unhappy. It came to a point when i realised i had to do something about it, so i took the prudent step to initiating the break up. She was devastated after the break up, but i on the other hand, have never felt so relieved in my life. It was the right decision, honestly. 

U tell us u hv had sex with men n clearly seemed to enjoy it. If not u wld not hv gone back for more!

 

But u do not tell us if the "next level" u refer to with ur girlfriend included sex. I assume it must hv n that u must hv at least initially enjoyed it.  But do u think her insecurity was in any way a result of ur being confused in ur own mind about having sex with a girl? After all, u had been peeping at guys at school n obviously wanted to develop some kind of closer friendship/relationship had it not been for ur feeling "awkward".

 

Different and confusing feelings r all part of becoming aware of our own sexuality. Take time. Find another girlfriend n see how that goes. Ur urge for a family seems strong so b relaxed about it n enjoy urselves. If u r unable to do so, go to counselling.

[Guest jeff]

I am currently a 24 year old student who is about to graduate form university soon. I grew up in a traditional chinese family with 2 elder sisters. Being the only son in the family, i would be lying if i told u I did not have any pressure of procreating and carrying on the family line. When i was young, i had many crushes on different girls, throughout kindergarten and primary school. All was well until i entered an all boys secondary school, when i fell for a junior who was one year younger than me. I would just look forward to seeing him during recess and check out what he was doing. The feeling slowly faded away when i entered junior college. I did not take any action to confess to him whatsoever mainly because the circumstance back then did not allow me to do so.

In junior college, i would be peeping at those hot guys in school but still, i was not able to bold myself to do anything to show my affections towards them, i felt weird, there was an inexplicable sense of awkward feeling when i knew that i developed liking towards the male species. It was not until university when i had my first girlfriend. I was primarily attracted to her nice personality, she was all i was looking for in a girl and maybe, wife. It took me a long six months before the courtship ended and we took our relationship to the next level. It was official finally after all the crazy chase. However, the honeymoon period was short-lived, our relationship surreptitiously suffocated me over the next 2 months. I was frustrated by her insecurity and i was extremely upset and unhappy. It came to a point when i realised i had to do something about it, so i took the prudent step to initiating the break up. She was devastated after the break up, but i on the other hand, have never felt so relieved in my life. It was the right decision, honestly.

Ever since then, i have been trying to explore my sexual orientation and attempting to discover my true identity. I started hanging out at gay saunas and hooking up with guys on jackd and grindr. Last saturday, i met this guy at a local sauna and he asked me out for a drink after the session. I kindly obliged. He is a successful young man with an impressive resume and prospective career. I was however, not attracted to him. During the meet up, he subtly hinted that he wanted take our relationship to the next level. Nonetheless, i was feeling extremely uneasy throughout the whole meet up, wild imaginations ran through my mind. I could not imagine myself to be in a open gay relationship and be judged by others in the society. There was an inner voice telling me that I should not be doing this, this is not the life that i should be living. So over the next few days, i made it clear to him that we were nothing more than friends.

Somehow, i had that strong urge to reconciliate and patch things up with my ex girlfriend. I suddenly felt the strong urge of getting a girlfriend and forming a family and settling down. I can't explain the extreme fluctuation in my thinking and perception. It was as if a sudden alarm sounded and woke me up from my subconscious lalaland and i had to get back to reality, as if i was straight once again.

Thanks for enduring through my long post. I sincerely hope those with similar experience is able to shed some light and share your views and advice with me. Many thanks in advance!

exactly.like my story..i think n think.until.now im 39 yo.having fun eif guys m totally.gave up.on girls.whom i name.them bitches.

i find it is normal having fun n holding hands wif guys as u bcome bolder as u age.marriage.n.kids r drama to me.so quick make up yr.mind to which u stay happy.i dont want to meet u in public toilet cruising for guys n yr wife n children waiting outside.lol

[Guest Guest]

If you are mostly heterosexual you would not have been bothered enough to write a post here. You would have disregarded it as a passing fancy. It seems you are quite motivated to pursue sex with guys as you went to a gay sauna. Therefore you should not marry a girl. Simple as that. You will definitely stray. Unless you can commit long term to a girl and not think of wanting out to be with a guy, you should not get married to a girl, period.

[topUgood]

Very well advised. Unbiased

Dear Miao90

Based solely on what you wrote, I don't think yours is that confusing a case.

You seem to be primarily sexually attracted to girls. It was her emotional instability

that led to the break-up between you and your ex. Prior to that, you had always had crushes on girls.

Of cos there's no denying that you are also attracted to some guys. You see, sexual orientation is

not a dichotomy between black and white. Instead it is a spectrum of varying proportions of attraction to the two sexes.

You seem to be on the side which is more heterosexual, but not 100%. Then again, most people aren't purely

100% straight or gay.

Sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction. As one post above suggests, you have to also take into

consideration romantic feelings, feelings of wanting to share your life and being committed to each other.

I don't think you have to be overly disturbed by the feelings you once had in secondary school for your junior. It could well

be a phase, and after all it did fade away naturally.

You mentioned having visited gay saunas and hooking up with guys. But you didn't state how your experience was or if

there was sex involved. You only mentioned a young, eligible guy whom you did not have interest in. How about the others? Was there

anyone who aroused any special feelings in you? Do you intend to continue meeting up with gay guys instead of with girls? If so,

you must ask your heart what exactly is it you really want.

Like GM said, you should probably take some time to develop yourself, ground yourself, clear your thoughts etc. Don't be too harsh or impatient with

yourself. If it's the lack of emotional stability of women that frightens you, you might want to try to understand more about the feminine psyche

through books, through talking with people etc. If you truly intend to marry a girl, please stay away from the gay saunas etc Don't continue to feed

that part of you which is bi-curious (the homosexual side) and be prepared in the future to stay away from temptations.

WIsh you all the best!

[Miao90]

 

I am not here to offer you a solution, but want I you to put some thoughts on what I have to say :

 

1.  I felt that you are wound up too tight, so do cut yourself some slack. Don't have to jump in and out of relationship with so much haste.

2.  Ground yourself. Go take up some yoga / meditation to clear your mind or a go on a holiday to get away and thinks things over.  You don't have to have an answer, just give some time to yourself.  To find out who you really are and what you are comfortable. No right, no wrong. Get in touch with your inner self.

 

Until you are able to be who you are and that you are really sure that you want to take the Next Big Step, go and do it with no regrets be it with a man, or with a women or even if you chose to be single.

 

Just make sure you don't make decision to please people or do it because you have to...but do it because you want to, most importantly, don't make hasty decision which might hurt others and also yourself.

 

Chai yen yen Krub! (Take it easy!)

thank you so much for replying. i really appreciate it i guess i just have to spend some time doing some inner reflection and soul searching. To live a life that i truly want and wish for rather than trying to conform to society for the sake of doing it. it is a bold step, a difficult one, but i will take one small step at a time. knowing that a happy and truthful life is one that is worth living!

[Miao90]

It's okay to feel confused.

 

Have you tried it out with a man yet?

 

It's pretty awesome. (if you let go of your insecurities (hey doesn't that sound like your ex girlfriend lol))

i have had sexual encounters with man before but not a romantic relationship. i figured i probably might not be able to decide for myself until i try that out. but then and again until i find the correct one (be it a girl or guy) i might be oscillating between being straight and gay, that is my gut feeling, at least as of now.

[Miao90]

You are still young. Especially if you haven't gotten much exposure to relationships, its natural for your identity to still be in flux. Some questions that may help:

 

1) You described imagining settling down with a girl in marriage with kids, etc... Apart from this "normal path" ideal, are you actually physically attracted to women?

 

2) You are attracted to some men. But have you even been in love or emotionally attracted to another man in your life?

 

3) Of course there will be some issues to resolve with your family, but assuming they are open minded about your sexuality and are happy for you, can you see yourself being happy with a long term committed male partner?

 

4) What kind of porn do you watch? Is it the actor or actress that turns you on while watching, or both?

 

You might very well be bi. But straight, gay or bi, its all okay no matter what. At the moment, it sounds like you are still quite inexperienced and have some stuff to resolve with yourself. I would advise you not to fully immerse yourself into the more sexual side of gay life (i.e. saunas, dating apps) for now.

 

A lot of men in these places are only looking for sex. And because the idea of casual sex is turning you off, it may be clouding your judgement of your sexuality. For example, you may be gay... but you prefer a stable boyfriend with a more comfortable relationship. And when men looking for sex scare you off, you might misread your aversion to casual hookups as an aversion to men, which isn't true.

 

Thanks for replying! really appreciate the effort!

 1) i haven been much attracted to women physically 

2) i haven been emotionally attached to any men in my life ever.

3) i can't picture/imagine myself coming out of the closet to my family, the idea is just outlandish and bizarre sounding

4) i mostly get attracted to the guy in straight porn and i enjoy gay porn mostly.

 

I think i myself are in sauna for the sole reason of satisfying my lust. but otherwise i haven met any guy that i would commit myself to for a relationship. i guess the aversion to man part might not be true if the guy was really my cup of tea...

[lifeart]

Miao90

 

The picture is now clearer with your answers to guest's astute questions.

 

Sexually you prefer men.  The reason you had a girlfriend was because you fear coming out as gay to your family.  You have had and enjoyed sexual relations with men but haven't met a guy to whom you feel emotionally attached.  Now you feel like settling down, to enjoy a stable family life, so you think of finding a gf again.

 

If this summarizes your case accurately, you are probably more gay than heterosexual.  Your desire to settle down is understandable.  Most gay men have had at some point in their life considered the option to marry a girl and "make do".

Some have indeed taken that path.  I am sure you must have read stories on this forum about married men who are actually gay or bi.  You have to decide if that is what you really want in your life.  

 

Most gay men have had to go through such a phase of struggle about their sexuality, so you are certainly not alone.  Personally I decided at an early age that, as a moral choice, I would not court any woman since I cannot love her whole-heartedly, both physically and emotionally.  I'd rather remain single than to live a life of deception. But that's just my personal take.  Everyone has to choose his own path.  

 

Do think about getting some counselling if it continues to trouble you. 

 

 

Best wishes!

 

[Guest guest]

Miao90

 

The picture is now clearer with your answers to guest's astute questions.

 

Sexually you prefer men.  The reason you had a girlfriend was because you fear coming out as gay to your family.  You have had and enjoyed sexual relations with men but haven't met a guy to whom you feel emotionally attached.  Now you feel like settling down, to enjoy a stable family life, so you think of finding a gf again.

 

If this summarizes your case accurately, you are probably more gay than heterosexual.  Your desire to settle down is understandable.  Most gay men have had at some point in their life considered the option to marry a girl and "make do".

Some have indeed taken that path.  I am sure you must have read stories on this forum about married men who are actually gay or bi.  You have to decide if that is what you really want in your life.  

 

Most gay men have had to go through such a phase of struggle about their sexuality, so you are certainly not alone.  Personally I decided at an early age that, as a moral choice, I would not court any woman since I cannot love her whole-heartedly, both physically and emotionally.  I'd rather remain single than to live a life of deception. But that's just my personal take.  Everyone has to choose his own path.  

 

Do think about getting some counselling if it continues to trouble you. 

 

 

Best wishes!

 

Took the words right out of my mouth, mate. That's exactly what I got from Miao's reply to my post too.

 

Miao, I am only 1 year older than you... but I definitely have been through the same struggles. I can relate to your experiences immensely actually. I'm not especially feminine so I can "pass" as straight and I suspect you are the same way. Because of this, there was a time where it just felt much easier going along with females who showed me attention or playing along with friends and family who attempted to matchmake me with girls.

 

In a way, doing so felt good and made me "happy" to an extent since there were so many things about being gay that terrified me and made me feel like it would give me nothing but a dark future. But dude, even though you haven't fallen in love with a guy yet (neither have I), its pretty clear from your posts that you are much more attracted to men than women. Trying to fake it with a girl is actually far more depressing than anything being gay can throw at you. Especially when it gets more intimate... you have to give your soul to this woman (and vice versa) if you want children with her and a happy life together. And as gay men, we just don't have it in us to gie our entire heart and body to a woman. We will always feel something lacking, as I suspect you already do in seeking our gay lifestyles, which in the long term with totally suffocate you especially when you are in a binding committment with a woman.

[leo yok loo]

Miao90 ... you are confirm gay. But your mind tells you to get married and have kids etc..(which is politically right).. On the other hand, your heart says i love man. Opening up to your family is the hardest thing to do, i being through that.

.You need to choose: To think with your mind or to follow your heart. There is no right or wrong. Is your life, you decide.

[justinys]

Miao90, when you wrote this post, I thought you were writing about me. Cos it is really similar.

 

My story: Also youngest son with 2 elder sisters, similar pressure from parents to get married asap. From young, was only attracted to guys, especially muscular ones. Met up guys online for sex until I met my ex-girlfriend. I was in a relationship with her for about 5 years, but after 2 years into the relationship, I was already visiting saunas and having fun with guys without her knowledge. Worse off, I had plans for marriage with her and our BTO flat will be due in 3Q 2016. And all the while, I was rationalising, telling myself that I wanna have children, I love her and definitely I can have sex with her, even though I never did it with girls before.

 

It wasnt until i met my current bf from bw that I finally awakened from my slumber. The connection was strong and he made me have the courage to make a life changing decision. I was convinced that I can't commit to a complete relationship with my ex gf. If I can cheat on her now, what makes me think that I wont cheat on her after marriage? Eventually, there is no deluding your ownself to be your true nature. Took the courage to initiate a break up with my ex gf and even admitted to her that I am gay. Now I have a complete relationship with my bf, both emotionally and physically satisfied. Have never felt better and more carefree than ever in my life.

 

My advice to you is really to follow your heart. This life is yours, live for yourself, not for others. You only live ONCE.

 

- If you are really determined to lead a straight life, be one and never look back. Go get a gf, get married and dun claim you are a bi and start seeking for sex like some married guys here. I totally despise these ppl.

 

- If you wanna be a gay, which I feel you already are, welcome! It's hard to find love within this circle, most ppl are only looking for sex with NSA. But I'm sure, someday you can find your true love within this circle.

 

All the best! 

[darrenpanfried]

I had a similar experience then. But the turning point was when I met some guy I was serious about. No matter how much my parents wanted me to get married, I did not not obey them. All the threats about not having a family line did not interest me. You can call me disobedient and selfish. But I think I will be more selfish if I get married and have children in future because I can never get past living a double life. This possible family of mine will never be happy. So why start? When I came across guys with families at shopping malls who took interest in me (their eyes betrayed them), I just walked away.

Edited February 15, 2015 by darrenpanfried

[Guest jeff]

Miao90, when you wrote this post, I thought you were writing about me. Cos it is really similar.

My story: Also youngest son with 2 elder sisters, similar pressure from parents to get married asap. From young, was only attracted to guys, especially muscular ones. Met up guys online for sex until I met my ex-girlfriend. I was in a relationship with her for about 5 years, but after 2 years into the relationship, I was already visiting saunas and having fun with guys without her knowledge. Worse off, I had plans for marriage with her and our BTO flat will be due in 3Q 2016. And all the while, I was rationalising, telling myself that I wanna have children, I love her and definitely I can have sex with her, even though I never did it with girls before.

It wasnt until i met my current bf from bw that I finally awakened from my slumber. The connection was strong and he made me have the courage to make a life changing decision. I was convinced that I can't commit to a complete relationship with my ex gf. If I can cheat on her now, what makes me think that I wont cheat on her after marriage? Eventually, there is no deluding your ownself to be your true nature. Took the courage to initiate a break up with my ex gf and even admitted to her that I am gay. Now I have a complete relationship with my bf, both emotionally and physically satisfied. Have never felt better and more carefree than ever in my life.

My advice to you is really to follow your heart. This life is yours, live for yourself, not for others. You only live ONCE.

- If you are really determined to lead a straight life, be one and never look back. Go get a gf, get married and dun claim you are a bi and start seeking for sex like some married guys here. I totally despise these ppl.

- If you wanna be a gay, which I feel you already are, welcome! It's hard to find love within this circle, most ppl are only looking for sex with NSA. But I'm sure, someday you can find your true love within this circle.

All the best!

so what happened to yr bto?hahahahaa..cancel ha or replace yr bf name?

[puppyfart]

Altho I do know of some bi/gay married guys who are very happy settled leading a double life - they seem happy with a family, but at the same time, continue have their sexual trysts.

I do not wish to pass judgement, as there isn't any right or wrong, just saying that there are situations which are not just red or white, there are shades of pink.

Everyone is unique as personalities are unique, family situations are unique, partners we meet are unique; so everyone needs to choose and walk their own paths ultimately.

I had a similar experience then. But the turning point was when I met some guy I was serious about. No matter how much my parents wanted me to get married, I did not not obey them. All the threats about not having a family line did not interest me. You can call me disobedient and selfish. But I think I will be more selfish if I get married and have children in future because I can never get past living a double life. This possible family of mine will never be happy. So why start? When I came across guys with families at shopping malls who took interest in me (their eyes betrayed them), I just walked away.

[boredpotato]

My personal advice would be to do what makes you happy.

 

You can't always be pleasing society and if you feel that you can't deal with the judgement then try to steel your nerves a little bit. It's not easy, I'm sure. I was lucky enough to come out of the closet at a young age and I fended for myself for a really really long period of time. I believe that you can too if you choose to. But make sure to only do it when you're sure and when you're ready. Definitely no rush there. 

 

You could always just keep an open mind. Learn more about yourself, date a couple more people (both male and female) and when you finally do fall in love, fall in love at your pace. 

 

I wish you all the best and all the happiness that is to come. Remember to never do anything that doesn't make you happy. ^^

[Guest bigBOOMz]

Go straight, not that there is anything wrong with being gay, just that if you really know in your heart that you are straight, live as a straight guy, have a family be happy, but if you think that you are gay then face it and also be happy that you are. At the end of the day no one can say to you be straight or gay, it is your choice and you have to listen to your heart and you are the only one who can make that choice! 

 

My advice, just live for the now and cherish whatever life has to offer, you don't have to choose now, do it when the time comes and you know for sure.

[justinys]

so what happened to yr bto?hahahahaa..cancel ha or replace yr bf name?

Obviously cancel la! Now to save up to buy a condo with my bf le. Sigh.

[fly360]

I have 2 elder sisters as well, what coincidence!

 

Ultimately, you have to be true to yourself. Times have changed. While it is "mainstream" to marry, buy HDB and have kids, no one should be compelled to live their lives for other people.

 

You can be gay, but it will NOT make you have any lesser dignity of a human being. You gotta keep that in your mind if others try to put you down.

 

You gotta live your life for yourself, and take responsibility for it come what may.

 

My mum wants me to get married. If I do get married to a sweet caring girl who turns out to be a witch in future, my life shattered by the Women's Charter, who do I turn to claim responsibility?

 

On the other hand, there is also a sacrifice. Unlike my peers, I will not have offspring to take care of me in future. I am also willing to accept that kind of outcome. I think that is the worst kind of thinking breeders have in their minds. To have children so that they can take care of you? To carry on your family glorious name? What selfishness!

 

In conclusion, you gotta examine your life philosophy. How you want your life to play out in the next few decades. Do you want to live a life for yourself, the way you want it, or live out a life directed by other people.?

 

If sexuality is a choice for you, weigh the outcomes. Are you able to handle?

 

Good luck.

Edited February 16, 2015 by fly360

[Guest jeff]

Obviously cancel la! Now to save up to buy a condo with my bf le. Sigh.

Y sigh?u regret for being a gay?if im in yr shoe,i would get married to the gf n lead a norm life.mayb have fun wif guys outside.y not?

[justinys]

Y sigh?u regret for being a gay?if im in yr shoe,i would get married to the gf n lead a norm life.mayb have fun wif guys outside.y not?

Nope, no regrets. What's the point of cheating on your future wife? That's very unfair to your future wife and kids. Just imagine your future wife having a fling outside without your knowledge. If you can't tolerate that, then dun be the asshole who does it to others.

[Guest jeff]

On 2/16/2015 at 12:16 PM, justinys said:

Nope, no regrets. What's the point of cheating on your future wife? That's very unfair to your future wife and kids. Just imagine your future wife having a fling outside without your knowledge. If you can't tolerate that, then dun be the asshole who does it to others.

 

apparently there are people here doing it.

[Guest Xenotam]

I was in the same situation when i was younger. In the end i got married due to family pressure but i do meet guys from time to time to have fun.

[cutejack]

 

I was in the same situation when i was younger. In the end i got married due to family pressure but i do meet guys from time to time to have fun.

Best solution n advice ever.