Of Love Struggles & Cries Of A Married Gay Man + Cheating Married Men Leading Dual Life (compiled)

[Richard]

I want to know how I can find people to support me in my decision to become gay even though I am married to my wife. I have no kids and would like a monogamous gay relationship.

[Guest Guest]

So you want to be a two-timer, is that it?

[Richard]

What do you expect someone to do? My friends are conservate christians right now. I need to find people that will support me, don't I, before I become a single timer, right?

[ry-d]

Follow your heart. Once you've decide on that, there must be no regrets whatsoever.

[yishun]

What about your wife man, are you going to tell her?

[Richard]

In February '05, I decided to become gay and gave up after two weeks, I told my counselor, but never told my wife that I wanted to date gays. She thinks that I want to go after other women. I apologized to her, but she has no idea that I like other men. Yesterday I decided to become gay again, and now I need to find websites or, places like this to support my decision to be gay. If I tell her now she'll tell everyone, and they'll all try to talk me out of it.

[Buaya]

Sorry. This is going to be my personal opinion...

I believe there is NO such thing as a 'decision to become gay'. Please be morre responsible... It is precisely this reason that the government still has not acceoted us... They still think we can 'choose' to be gay or not and thus a 'gay lifestyle' would mean we 'choose' to have life the 'fun and irresponsible' way rather than the 'normal' way where we get married and have children. They think we 'choose' to destroy family value.

Excuse me. I did not choose or decide to be gay. I AM gay.

Ok. Back to your dilemma...

I am sorry. But you have to be true to yourself. Are you coming out? Were you forced to marry? Or did you love your wife but found out that gay sex is more shiok? I am sorry I have to ask these... As I don't know you, I would have to question you more...

It is a difficult question. But the most important thing is

1) Be true to yourself.

2) Be responsible and fair to your wife.

3) Understand yourself and you decision to out yourself...

I would suggest you talking to your wife. Or boyfriend, if you have one now...

Sorry if I sounded fierce... I don't mean to. I am just a little upset about your choice of words...

[Richard]

Well, people in high school thought I was gay, even though I said I was not. I did many gay acts when I was sixteen. I remained single until I was 37, and did not have more sex with any men, after high school. I got married because I was troubled with my circumstances and now I want out of my marriage both because gay sex is more shiok, and because I got married for the wrong reasons.

[Cool]

Well, people in high school thought I was gay, even though I said I was not. I did many gay acts when I was sixteen. I remained single until I was 37, and did not have more sex with any men, after high school. I got married because I was troubled with my circumstances and now I want out of my marriage both because gay sex is more shiok, and because I got married for the wrong reasons.

Ok.

From what you had said, I reckon that you getting married is a wrong decision as you seems to be gay from the start.

I suggest you stop hurting your wife and let her know now. Its better to let her get hurt now and recover from it and get herself a new life then to carry on wasting more of her time coz she will never get your true love. It's worse if both of you have children. More lives might be implicated in that case.

Be brave and tell her the truth. You have to admit your own mistakes.

[Richard]

Well, I don't know. A women who thought she a lesbian contacted "Talk Sex" on the Oxygen channel and asked her, how to find out if she was a lesbian, or not. The lady on the show told her to go find local newspapers with personal ads, and to post an ad saying "want to experiment" in the women seeking women section. Then she could try to figure out if she's gay or not. I don't have a boyfriend, and I feel I need to "brainwash" myself in the direction of my gay tendencies, including finding a boyfriend first.

[Cool]

Well, I don't know. A women who thought she a lesbian contacted "Talk Sex" on the Oxygen channel and asked her, how to find out if she was a lesbian, or not. The lady on the show told her to go find local newspapers with personal ads, and to post an ad saying "want to experiment" in the women seeking women section. Then she could try to figure out if she's gay or not. I don't have a boyfriend, and I feel I need to "brainwash" myself in the direction of my gay tendencies, including finding a boyfriend first.

What?

Your wife is a lesbian? You never mention this in the previous postings.

[Richard]

My wife is not a lesbian. An anonomous women called the "Talk Sex" program.

[Guest Guest]

Hi All.

Before we start questioning Richard on his decision to go gay, let's remember that we all at some point in time questioned our sexuality identities. I sure did in my teens and have since come to term with it. In Richard's case, it has been a longer route.

Richard,

Your situation is more complex cos you are married. Like it or not, your decision to be gay will affect your wife. That's something you need to deal with. I guess you are looking for people who have gone thru the same and seeking support. I read in your posting that your friends are conservative Christians. I assume you are one too. If you like to seek a gay Christian support group, do check out http://www.oursafehaven.com/

I am not associated to the group but have heard of them. Maybe someone there would be able to help you.

Good luck in your journey.

[Guest Sexual Identity Crisis]

Before we start questioning Richard on his decision to go gay, let's remember that we all at some point in time questioned our sexuality identities. I sure did in my teens and have since come to term with it. In Richard's case, it has been a longer route.

This is an issue of sexual identity crisis. You don't decide to become gay or to go gay (or to live a gay lifestyle). You go through a journey of self discovery and discovered that you are gay and either accept it or continue to deny it. "Life is difficult. However, the moment you accept it's difficult, it becomes much easier."

Do you need a boyfriend to experiment to ascertain that you are gay? Just be concious of yourself when you are outside in crowded places. Are you more likely to observe men or women? Another test is to watch a heterosexual p--n movie you like. What do you like about the movie? Is the man a lead actor and the woman playing a supporting role? Is it just the opposite?

[Guest Guest]

Well well, here is my 2 cents opinion : u married due to circumstances (social / family pressure ?) NOW u wanna become GAY because gay sex is more shiok .

I am totally agree with Buaya BE MORE RESPONSIBLE. Don't give GAY another bad name in SG. I believe u must have some feeling for HER b4 u decided to choose HER and not other ladies. Breaking someone's heart in this manner is BAD :yuk: Give a thought to her confidence as a woman , her esteem.

I hope u can give a thought to it. If u decided to go ahead .... pls dun DECIDE to be a gay just because gay sex is more shiok.

[Guest kAtak]

FREE her responsibly then in so doing u will FREE urself to decide your journey...

[Guest medion]

How do you become gay and then give it up, and then take it back up again like its not a hobby, either you are or you aren't. If you're a gay man living a straight life, but would like to have extra marritial affairs with gay men.

An affair is an affair, whether its with a straight woman or gay man... you just have to be ready to deal with the consequence of your action (including your sexual prediliction).

[Guest 20x69]

Richard,

whatever you do, just be aware of what you're getting yourself into.

and to correct some things, one doesn't just turn gay, at the snap of a finger. you ARE gay, you don't turn gay.

and if you know that you're definitely gay, then i would suggest that you come forth with your wife, as she definitely deserves honesty. and if you care for her in the least, come clean with it so that she can get it over with and carry on with her life. don't waste anymore of her time. and don't waste the time of the people around you.

you mentioned "conservative christians". that's what worries me the most. Safehaven, i hope you've heard of them.

[oralb]

.... and now I want out of my marriage both because gay sex is more shiok .....

Richard... i am a little troubled by your statement, yes sex can be shiok but that shouldnt be the reason you wanted out, or even "choose" to become one.

the decision to embrace a certain lifestyle should be much more than sex.

i would advise you to think carefully, coz your decision will affect 2 persons directly.

[TopChinese]

Frankly, I'm disgusted by people like Richardd.

I've had fun with married guys before... and I totally respect their situation. As long as they respect their own. They have made a promise to stay with a woman, despite their hunger for cocks. And they owe it to themselves to see it through.

The married guys that I fxxk know they are doing a bad thing. They feel like they are betraying their wives and kids and see gay sex as a necessary evil. They fxxk, they cum and they go home to their families. No crossing the line. I find that to be acceptable because I'm helping them take care of a need and they know where their priorities are. Given a choice, I know they will choose their family and obligations.

What I find appalling are people like Richardd is that he seems to have no regard whatsoever for the woman he's commited to and for the men that he wants. That he is just using her for marriage/coverup while using us gay men for his thirst for semen. He doesn't seem to have any respect for anyone or anything at all. :swear:

[GachiMuchi]

Dear Richard,

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You had MADE your CHOICE to marry. STAY married.

You can have sex with men, but do not leave your family. TopChinese is right. If you were to tell anyone, gay or str8 about what you do, nobody will respect you.

You have RESPONSIBILITIES, so be RESPONSIBLE.

[crazygolfer]

Met a chinaman on ONS in one local sauna und he said he is married with a young daughter. He claimed to be working with the local university here and further he said he was forced to get married by his parent before left China although he was inclined to be liking men instead ........ so he visits the local gay saunas to have his extra matrimonal activities

[thaiboyz]

I got married because I was troubled with my circumstances and now I want out of my marriage both because gay sex is more shiok, and because I got married for the wrong reasons.

Your situation given me an impression that you have been forced into marriage against your wish and now that gay inclination of yours, started to surface after you have tasted the "sweetness" of gay sex ? Perhaps you might think that gays' relationships are easier and more rosy than your present marriage, and started to paint beautiful mental pictures of gay love. Well, in real life, relationship between two guys is far more fragile and unstable, and discriminated as it goes against the social norm. What make you so sure that after becoming a gay, you will find your man ? You will find gay sex more interesting and thrilling than your present one ? Hope the sexual part is not your main reason to become a gay. You have to be very clear minded and 100% certain that you want to walk on this path. Be responsible for your own actions. Gossips and comments from others are secondary, at the end of the day, the most important elements are your conscience and beliefs that you have to deal with.

[Guest Gay but staying married]

Dear Richard,

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You had MADE your CHOICE to marry. STAY married.

You can have sex with men, but do not leave your family. TopChinese is right. If you were to tell anyone, gay or str8 about what you do, nobody will respect you.

You have RESPONSIBILITIES, so be RESPONSIBLE.

I agree with both TopChinese and Gachi_muchi.

I am married and with kids. Honestly, I struggle with my gay inclination a lot. But I know whatever I do, I must not hurt my family and my wife.

It is a choice when I stepped forward to explore my inclination years ago. When that happened, I knew there was no turning back some how. But I also made a personal commitment that I will never let my wife know about this, for fear that I would hurt her. Afterall, we did like each other such that I also made a choice to marry her in the first place.

It is also like having kids. Once you have them, you can't say you don't want them anymore and throw them out with the bucket, right? They are stuck to you whether you like them or not.

My personal views for sharing.

[skylancer]

I agree with thaiboyz.

Normal marraige is more on commitment but plu marraige is really unstable and unknown due to u will never know he got someone out of the sudden... then u are left alone again...

But i really hope my relationship will last long...

Gd luck to all guys who are in relationship

[Guest Guest]

Let's not be too harsh on Richard. We are not in his shoes and we might not know exactly what he is going through. Let him sort things out himself.

Perhaps he is really unhappy with his marriage and feel that it's going nowhere. And, liking gay sex is probably just a self justification to break the marriage. Maybe he should not mix the 2 together and try to tackle one thing at a time.

[Guest Guest69]

Better not ... Its too addictive ... Stay with your wife...

[JaPPen]

I want to know how I can find people to support me in my decision to become gay even though I am married to my wife. I have no kids and would like a monogamous gay relationship.

You need not seek ppl support as long as you know what you want and you can manage and handle your wife's response. Remember, you married her in the first place.

[Guest Vivo]

I want to know how I can find people to support me in my decision to become gay even though I am married to my wife. I have no kids and would like a monogamous gay relationship.

Poor Richard...

You are a lost soul...

I am not sure if you are listening to the good advices here...

But please do be responsible to your wife. You had taken the vow, didnt you ?

Being gay is not about shiok in sex ...and i am totally disturbed with that lame reason of yours for turning into one...

[oralb]

i guess we are a little hard on Richard and yes we may not fully understand his position.

nonetheless, our opinions are based on the short note that he had written and maybe there are more underlying issues. but i truely believe most here want Richard to think twice for any decision to be made.

life is about choices, while it is true that one dont choose to become PLU, one CAN choose whether to live the lifestyle. i have known married PLU who just wanted friendship and not any intimacy as he didnt want to betray his wife.

it is all about self-control. hard but not impossible

maybe Richard is very unhappy, maybe the wife is so as well. Richard will have to make the decision whether to pursue his nature instinct or maintain his responsiblities.

whatever it is, making a decision due to the "shiokness" in sex will be another wrong decision in making.

[Guest Heated Bottom]

i am not sure if it is okay.....

Can someone be in Richard's wife shoe and speak out ?

While it is easier to free Richard..how about his wife ?

She will becomes a divorcee with an unhappy marriage to a sexual disoriented guy.. and I cannot imagine herself coping with it ...

Afterall, a woman youth has a life span...

[Guest Guest]

I want to know how I can find people to support me in my decision to become gay even though I am married to my wife. I have no kids and would like a monogamous gay relationship.

Richard made the statement that he like to have a monogamous gay relationship. In my opinion, only a gay person would make such a statement, either openly or just to himself. PLUs who play around and enjoy gay sex are just PLUs to me.

I read a few advice given to Richard by married PLUs. Give him a break. What's right for a married PLU, may not be right for him. He may want to be open about his gayness and stop living a dubious life as most married PLUs do.

[Guest Fallen Angel]

I want to know how I can find people to support me in my decision to become gay even though I am married to my wife. I have no kids and would like a monogamous gay relationship.

The opinions and views by the members are divided.

So I guessed we should stop giving advices and let this man figure out his thoughts. Only he knows which will be best for him.

[Guest Guest69]

Hello Richard,

just follow the command of your soul.

on the otherhand, you know what are the consequences should you do such.

:thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

[Guest Guest69]

Hi,

you are so confused now.

you need someone to talk too, heart to heart ...

my poor guy :yuk:

[Cool]

If I am the wife, I think I will feel very sad if my hubby cheated me throughout my whole life. Can u imagine her agony if she knows that she had been married to a gay who doesn't love her but is with her just coz of commitment?

Isn't that worse that just being a divorcee and get married again?

[Guest Guest]

Ever heard of the phrase: "Sometimes in life, we do dumb things". Yes, we choose the wrong job, wrong career, wrong investment, wrong life partner, etc. What are we going to do about it. Just go with it and refuse to make a change because "a decision is a decision"? We have decided sometime back in our life, and so that's our destiny?

May Richard be granted the courage to change what he can, the serenity to accept what he can't, and the difference to tell the difference.

[oralb]

may we all have:

the courage to change what we can

the grace to accept what we can't

and the wisdom to know the difference

[skylancer]

hmm, i dont know the above advise is useful to u or not...

Or how about u talk about ur family?

[Guest UNHAPPY MAN]

I have been married with my wife for 4yrs, but was not happy at all. I married for the seek of married.

I wan to hide my trueself and also tot i can change but i was totally wrong, i can't change and will never change, is in born. i tried very hard to control but fail, i can't have sex with her, i dun have the mood and feel.

Each time when she asked i just said tired, and give all excuses. until one day in yr 2004, i broke up the news to her, i told i am GAY. it really took me alot courages to tell her, i feeling so so very bad after that.

I can't forgive myself till today, i always feel sorry for her, i am a selfish person. she ever asked me if i love her, i told her yes. Some time i just have a tot, if just married and w/o sex that will be good but is impossible.

I usually go back home so that by the time i reached home, she have slept already. Sometime i was go out for ONS after marriage. I m very unhappy and we are waiting for a separation.

I hurted her alot and yet she still treat me as her fren. I am at a lost and confuse, what have i done, i mess up my life.

Whenever i think of how deep i hurt her, i feel very very sad and depress. I dun even dare to face her now.

Sometime i really need people to talk to, none of my frens know the true of me, i always keep it in my heart. no one to share, i am sure there are someone with the same experience as me. Hope to hear from them, the feeling is no good.

[Guest Guest]

Welll...if you are THAT unhappy, go for a divorce. No point being unhappy for the rest of your life.

Why destroy your life and hers? Set her free!

[Guest Guest]

just let her go since u guys have no children at all....dun hang on just to pity her...

[Guest never easy]

But also know that your problem will not just easily be solved by a divorce. Its easy to think that once you have a divorce everything will be ok. But it will not. You said you still love her, and from the way she treats u now despite your confession, it seems she still love you. Whether u are single, married, closet gay or openly gay you will still face difficulties and new challenges in life. The only thing u have is a choice, a choice to lead the life you want. Whatever the choice, you should not hurt her again.

[oralb]

let her go, you cant live with her (esp on the sex part)

you cant live with guilt.

free the both of you. let her find happiness elsewhere, same for you.

the mistake has been dragged for 4 years, dont let it drag any longer.

[nvms]

I have been doin research on this topic for the last 10 years due to the new story Im working on, I have also met up with a few of them(couples). Somehow there are still some feeling involved, since she already knew about yr sexual orientation, I strongly suggest u to file in a divorce on these matter, it will be fair for her in long terms. At least she still can find another right guy to carry on with her future.

[IkuTube]

There is always a way out, Unhappy Man. If you are to listen to your heart, you have actually found the answer - you said:

I hurted her alot and yet she still treat me as her fren. I am at a lost and confuse, what have i done, i mess up my life.

I believe, with the marriage, she has become more than a friend to you. The fact that she remains by your side shows that she understands your situation - though, I will not say that she can empathise with your identity.

Talk to her. Share your confusion. Tell her your story.

You have come so far to make a confession to her. Nothing would shock her anymore.

At the same, listen to her. Get her to tell you her sorrow. Get her to tell you her plans.

Get to a compromise situation - something that both of you can deal with. If things fail, I strongly suggest that the two of you get a mediator to sort things out and lessen the sorrows and pains that you both are going through.

Only when the heart is set free, that peace [and joy] prevails.

May you have the strength, unhappy man.

[Guest Guest]

if u truly love her as a friend and care. Set her free. She deserve a man who really loves her and can give her what she needs

[harylok]

Guest ..

Bluntly say, I don't think you really love her. U just feel guilty (e.g your ONS act) & sorry (e.g Never perform your duty as a husband etc.) for her. Even though, you may still claimed loving her, but I perceive that its not those Men&Women kind of love, more towards caring, I presume.

The undeniable fact was that You are confused and hence, end-up "Married for the sake of marriage". It's really a pity. This is one of my analyst of one category of BI married men. (Note: I wrote something in the Member forum about Falling love with BI married men, read it if interested)

By the way, You did not elaborate much about how your wife feels about the whole thing. You need to provide much details for us to analyze the situation and advice sensibly.

You really want to talk to someone? Hope u find someone who is in the better position to help you out.

Anyway, PM me if you wish. Maybe you can share more, and who knows we can figure out something positive.

BTW. I am a pure BI who likes men & women.

Hary

.... life is all about communications...

[harylok]

.....the above post was intended for our dear Unhappy man.

Typo error.

[newguy2l]

just saw De-Lovely last night

about Cole Porter the Broadway composer

he is gay and the wife knew this even be4 they got married

he has ONS and the wife knows about this

they remain very happy

dunno why unhappy is so unhappy

no marriage is perfect

so - yours is lacking in the sex dept

so - fill it up in other areas

treat her like gold

give her gifts

show her love in other ways

take her out to dinner and dancing and shows and holidays

take her whole family out for dinner

and even in the sex area - there are things available to help u there

heard of viagra - ?? - u can now do it even if your heart is not in it

just think of it as your duty for a happy marraige

and sex toys - vibrators , dildoes

hey maybe u may even get to love sex with a strap-on - she wears it

use your imagination man

maybe a anti-depressent like prozac may help :twisted:

also another idea - get a 3rd man into your sex life

preferably a bi-guy - surely u can imagine how he can help solve all your problems

make your wife happy and also u happy