Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Stung by a Bee

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Bad Golfer

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Scoring the Golf Games

Perhaps you are aware of the scoring system in Golf.

2 over Par -- Double Bogey

1 over Par -- Bogey

Even Par -- Par

1 under Par -- Birdie

2 under Par -- Eagle

If you get a hole-in-one, it's called an "Ace."

What is the score for 6 under?

Payne Stewart.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Medical Emergency on the Golf Course

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Gorilla Golfer

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

Edited March 16, 2011 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Cheater

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfer v. Sky Diver

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky-diver?

A bad golfer goes WHACK! "Dang it!"

A bad sky-diver goes "Dang it!" WHACK!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Balls

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: How was your game?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Clubs

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

"So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf and Funerals

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery.

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart.

When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Ant Hill

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Charlie’s Hole-In-One

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Didn't Yell Fore

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

when the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, i didn't have time to yell fore," says the poor golfer.

"That's funny", replies the other guy, "because you had plenty of time to yell s***!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: The Devil and The Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Gotcha

It was at a golf competition at the Sun City golf course and Sam Jones challenged Tiger to a round of golf.

"Go play with yourself" said Tiger

"No I wanna play with you", said Sam

"Okay fine but I only play for money", said Tiger

"How much? Is $20,000 enough?", said Sam

"Are we talking dollars?", said Tiger

"If that's what you want", said Sam

This was going to be easy money thought Tiger.

"On one condition", said Sam, "We play Gotcha on two holes".

"Sure", said Tiger

18 holes later Tiger wasn't happy. He was making out a check for $20,000.

"What happened", said the other pros.

"Well I was standing on the first hole my legs nicely spread about to send the ball to Mars when this idiot sticks his hand through my legs squeezes my nuts and shouts GOTCHA.", says Tiger

"So why did you loose", said the pros

"Do you know what its like trying to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second GOTCHA?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Operate

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Problems

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching.

Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked.

"You see," said one of them, "my partner just had a stroke and now, these guys want to count it on the scorecard."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Paying Respects to the Dead

One day out on the course, a group of golfers notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course.

Albert suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead."

So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, George remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."

Albert replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Evil Leprechaun

The local golf course was haunted by an evil leprechaun who liked to exploit the ambitions of the poorer players. He would promise an improved ability to play the game in exchange for something really big, and then laugh at the unfortunate player's predicament.

One day, he popped up beside one golfer who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "I'll make a deal with you. If you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," said the golfer.

The leprechaun was very pleased with his conniving ways, and chuckled merrily. The golfer proceeded to play a perfect game and everyone was amazed.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker beside him. "Hey," he whispered, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

The golfer grinned, straightened his collar and answered, "Father Murphy."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Good Golfer

A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ambitions of the Poorer …

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golf Deduction

Taking advantage of a balmy day in a big city, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course.

After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

[worldangel]

Golf Joke: Hooker

There was this hooker named Tina who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Tina replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20.

Edited April 5, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Golf Jokes: Golf Beginners First Round

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a Hole-in-one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

Edited April 5, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Golf Jokes: Weekend My Golf Days

A couple whose passion had waned, saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success.

Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

Edited April 5, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Golf Joke: Golfer

A golfer playing in Europe hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

Edited April 5, 2011 by worldangel

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Saving Your Money

One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him.

The man says ok and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.

"I’m a hit man," the man replies.

The man laughs and says, "That’s funny, what do you really do?"

The man says, "I’m really a hit man, look in my golf bag."

The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.

"Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"

The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too.

The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"

The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.

"Then I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping."

The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.

The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"

"Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I’m trying to save you a thousand bucks."

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Four Old Timer Golfer

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, "Take a sweater..."

[clementi]

Golf Joke: It still hurts ……..

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I’ll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn’t do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

[clementi]

Golf Joke: Ugly Wife

A buddy of mine has been acting a bit depressed lately.

We were playing golf and he was getting increasingly upset at his poor performance.

"Dude, relax," I said. "If I want to hear a bunch of yelling and swearing I'll go visit my inlaws."

"I'm sorry, man, I've been having some problems at home."

"Yeah, like what?" I asked because I thought I should pretend to care.

"It's kind of personal."

"OK," I said teeing up my ball.

"Well, if you must know, I've been having erectile problems. I think it's because I may have a heart condition."

"You don't have a heart condition," I said taking my practice swing. "You have a fxxking ugly wife."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Believe in Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with multi million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course.

They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off.

"Actually, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.

I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, madam, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Goodbye Kiss

The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.

"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"

His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down to play cards.

After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"

"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Red Tees

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner.

But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian.

The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfing with Wife

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Not Bad

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: That Feels Pretty Good

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and

Listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the Thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to

Her prayers which went like this:

'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy s***!' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the Other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat

All day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst Day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what Happened to me.

This morning my golf pro of 20 years, dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Ambulance Chaser

Two lawyers are enjoying a round of golf.

"How’s business?" asked the first.

"Horrible," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for ten miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyers hanging on to the bumper."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Golfer's nightmare

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf.

Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole.

He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball.

Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot.

After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it.

She slumped down dead, instantly.

Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim.

So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed.

As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot.

But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, "Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: 18 Daughters

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

The father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."

The second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

The father said " no but you can sleep with the cows."

The third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

The father said "yes."

So in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast

The first man said "I slept like a pig"

The second man said "I slept like a cow"

The third man said "I felt like a golfer"

The father asked why?

He said: because I got my balls in 18 holes

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: No, I don’t Like Him

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.

I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither would he."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Terrible Golfer

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie.

The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Golfer who always late

Three golfers were waiting for the fourth to show up. Always late, this bloke was much later than he usually was. Giving up, they ask a gent on the practice green if he would like to join them.

He did - and what a great golfer he was! Later, back at the clubhouse, the fellows asked if he would join them as part of their regular foursome. He agrees, and the say meet us here again tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. The new guys says "7, 7:15."

Next day the fellow shows up at 7 sharp, but to the amazement of the other golfers, this time he is golfing left handed! - where, the day before, he golfed right handed. Yet, he was a scratch golfer left-handed as well.

Back at the club house, the fellows were curious about his unbelievable ability to golf so well from either side. "So how do you decide which way you're going to golf?" ask one. The new golfer replied: "Well, when I wake, if my wife is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. If she's on her left, I golf left."

"And what do you do if she's sleeping on her back when you wake?"

"Well, that's when I show up at 7:15!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Leather Dresses

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Attire

At the Spring meeting of your golf committee, we decided to relax our dress code governing course attire. This was done in recognition of the new styles of very neat and attractive golf shirts without collars. Our by-laws still require shirts with both sleeves and collars and must be amended before this can become a permanent change.

Because it is so difficult to define what is or is not proper golf attire, the committee decided to leave it to the golf professional and his staff to determine what is acceptable on the course. However, we recently received a complaint about the dress of certain golfers at a recent outing, and are now considering reverting to the old 'sleeves and collar' rule.

This generated a heated debate among the committee members, so we decided to poll the membership to help us with this decision. Please cast your vote via e-mail to either:

a. Revert to the old 'sleeves & collar' rule,

b. Let the golfer decide proper 'golf attire'.

Photos have been included to assist you in making your determination. Please help the committee and your club. Cast your vote today!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golf Nut

Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now.'

Harriet responded, 'If we're being honest with each other, here goes... I'm a hooker.' 'I see,' Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added,'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'