Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: The perfect tee shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Could I play through

A fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on.

As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.

He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.

He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The older you get the stronger the wind gets... and it's always in your face.

~ Jack Nicklaus

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management.

~ Ben Hogan

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.

~ Bob Bruce

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: I lost everything

One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear.

'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?"

The husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you".

The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes". :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Why can't we play golf together

A noted doctor's wife asked him why he never would let her play golf with him.

"My dear," he replied, "there are three things a man must do alone: testify, die and putt."

Short Golf Joke: She'll leave me

"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."

"What are you going to do?"

"Miss her like hell."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

~ Ben Hogan (US Golf Legends Player)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course.

~ Dr Bob Rotella

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Jole: A Golfer's Handbook

Just in time for golf season!!!

I've been reading a great new book. If you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt;

How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee;

How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker;

How to get more distance off the shank;

Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings;

Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk;

Crying and how to handle it;

How to rationalize a 7 hour round;

How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water;

Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th;

How to let a foursome play through your 2-some without getting embarrassed;

How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee;

When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent;

God and the meaning of the double bogey.

Now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever".

:whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Walking with wives

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise,

hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.

From the back of the room one expectant father inquired,

"Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: They think of everything

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries.

Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries.

He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce.

Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.

He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied.

He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away."

"Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground.

She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?"

He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is just a game - and an idiotic game most of the time.

~ Mark Calcavecchia (US Golf Pro)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he's worse, he's neglecting his golf.

~ St Andrews Rotary Club Member

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.

~ Bobby Nichols

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

~ Ken Harrelson

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

My wife, she still gives me a hard time, and says I hunt too much or I like to play golf too much. And she's probably right, but it sure beats some of the things I used to do.

~ Brett Favre

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"The only reason I ever played in the first place was so i could afford to hunt and fish"

~ Sam Snead

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote

"If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes.

It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head."

~ Harry Vardon

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

All I've got against golf is it takes you so far from the clubhouse.

~ Eric Linklater

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks.

But there''s no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns."

~ National Lampoon, 1979

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake.

~ Ben Crenshaw

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is the only sport that a professional can enjoy playing with his friends.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

The older you get, the easier it is to shoot your age.

~ Jerry Barber

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Never take a mulligan on a par 3. A "hole in three" is not a fun story to relieve.

~ Brian Well

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

That divot is so deep, I will need a sod cutter to fix it. :whistle:

~ Brian Weis

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it''s wrong but you can''t keep away from her."

~ Val Doonican

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims that he plays the game merely for exercise"

- Tommy Bolt

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Statistics indicate that, as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation's golf courses.

~ Ira Wallach

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

All I've got against golf is that it takes you so far from the club house

~ Eric Linklater

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf." :thumb:

~ Henry Longhurst

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive."

~ Arnold Palmer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

"It''s easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister''s fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification."

~ Bruce McCall

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote:

Golf is a form of work made expensive enough for rich people to enjoy.

~ Author Unknown

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote

If you can smile when all around you have lost their heads - you must be the caddy.

~ Author Unknown

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: A Cheater and a Liar

Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desparate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. "After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."

"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.

"Because," Lee replies, "I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Drowning your sorrows

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Is it a sin?

Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, it’s a crime any day of the week!

Golf Joke: Stop checking the time

Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Eventually

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie.

The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and

he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation,

he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: What's the line, Caddy?

On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course a very careful player was studying the green.

First he got down on his hands and knees to check out the turf between his ball and the hole.

Then he flicked several pieces of grass out of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of the wind.

Then turning to his caddie he asked: "Was the green mowed this morning?"

"Yes, Sir." "Right to left or left to right?" "Right to left, Sir."

The golfer putted... and missed the hole completely. He whirled on the caddie, "What TIME?" :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Don't you recognise him?

After coming from a long round of golf, his wife kissed him and

kissed their son who came in a few moments later.

"Where's he been", the husband asked.

"He's been caddying for you all afternoon", the wife replied

"No wonder he looks so familiar!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Take your 5-wood

Then there's the one about the golfer and his caddie who enjoyed a good argument, especially about what clubs to use.

The caddie usually won but this day, faced with a long short hole, the golfer decided that a 3-iron would be best.

"Take a 5-wood ," growled the caddie. But the golfer stuck to his choice and the caddie watched gloomily as the ball sailed over the fairway,

landed neatly on the green and rolled politely into the hole.

"You see," grinned the triumphant golfer.

"You would have done still better with your 5-wood," came the dogged reply. :oops:

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Drive and a putt

That's good for one long drive and a putt," said the cocky golfer as he teed his ball and looked down the fairway to the green.

He swung mightily and hit his ball which landed about a meter from the tee.

His caddie handed him a club and remarked: "And now for one hell of a putt."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: I know the next shot

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods.

He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots.

He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, Sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: How old is that caddy?

Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old."

"Better that way, Sir. He probably can't count past ten." :whistle:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: You did it!

Caddying for the elderly beginner had required great patience. He was doddery but he was dogged and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out.

In fact there was a bottle of malt riding on it - his faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.

Then arrived a day when dogged persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie.

They were on the green at the eighteenth and only 97 strokes had been accounted for.

Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion it was small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing three metres past the hole.

In a flash the caddie had dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and was crying excitedly. "Well done, Sir! You've done it! You've done it! Anyone would give you that."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: The deaf mute golfer

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph".

Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate,

and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.

After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.

The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious.

The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face. :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Wrong lessons

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet,

goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically,

"I guess all those fxxking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies,

"No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead." :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Considering my impediment...

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

[crazygolfer]

Short Golf Joke: Only once a week

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!" :swear: